I had to buy a new suit today.
I had to do this because after a wedding a couple years ago, in a fit of drunken rage, I stomped on my old suit in a parking lot. I didn’t like it anymore, so I guess I figured grinding it into some pavement was A Good Idea.
Seems about right.
So when Ari told me today that I had better get a new suit (we have about 1,342 weddings coming up this summer) I handled it very maturely, like I do all things.
I said, and these are Exact Quotes, “Fuck,” “Man, what the fuck,” “I am not mentally prepared to do this,” “I don’t know why I thought this was gonna be fun, this fucking sucks” and “Man, fucking shit.”
I don’t know about you, but when I drop the “Man, fucking shit” sentence, that means I am Not Happy.
We decided to go to Macy’s.
Macy’s is hell. You know how some people say that hell is the worst thing you can imagine, everyday for the rest of your life? Well, my hell would be shopping at Macy’s.
The store itself is gigantic and there are always tourists packed in there, ready to See New York. Because Seeing New York to them involves going shopping for a new Izod shirt.
Ari and I navigated through the levels of hell and eventually found a Hugo Boss suit that I liked. The alterations went by quickly, and before I knew it, we were done. It was extremely expensive, but I am never one to think about Finances and Logic when considering clothing.
Besides, I am going to look amazing in the suit. The sales woman told me so.
Now I am the proud owner of a new suit, and the process was amazingly pain free.
And because I really like this suit, I hope to avoid stomping on it while yelling, “This suit is ugly! This suit is ugly!” in a parking lot after one too many vodka sodas.
At least for the next couple years or so.
33 Comments
April 6, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Wait…so what were you wearing while stomping the uglyness out of the suit?
April 6, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Oh, I am so wondering the same thing as Jamie. Also, I am sorry that you have to deal with all the tourists in your Macy’s– I get annoyed enough at all the regular stupid people in mine, and they aren’t even carrying cameras or wearing Statue of Liberty foam hats! I can’t imagine the restraint it must take to keep from kicking them all in the shins.
April 6, 2008 at 6:25 pm
You are definitely going to have to elaborate on the suit stomping episode. Are you telling me you were naked, screaming, “This suit is ugly!” Because that picture in my head is so freakin’ funny! So don’t rain on my parade.
April 6, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Macy’s IS hell. I’m glad someone else recognizes that fact. I never thought I’d miss a suburban Macy’s…but I was wrong.
April 6, 2008 at 6:42 pm
If you want to blow through money go clothes shopping for yourself with a girl.
I took my friend with me to give me her “opinion.” Her “opinion” cost me 600 bucks for 2 shirts and 2 pants.
Yeah, I don’t know why opinion is in quotes either.
April 6, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Uh oh… you’ve got quite an image to live up to. Please don’t disappoint.
What does this suit look like? Pretty?
April 6, 2008 at 7:06 pm
NICE!!
Agreed…Macy’s is hell!
Agreed…a girl’s “opinion” is going to cost a lot but HEY, You’re going to look damn good!!
*** Quotes needed to emphasize the importance of a girl’s “Opinion”!
April 6, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Mmmmmmm. Boys in suits are my FAVORITE THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
April 6, 2008 at 8:45 pm
jamie – Well, I had changed out of it. Sorry to disappoint – no naked Chris destroying clothing.
megan – Lots of restraint. Lots and lots.
1218 – Sorry, I did have clothes on. It’s still funny, I swear!
lbootier – I hate it. I think next time I have to go, I’ll get drunk first – to ease the pain.
rs27 – Women “scare” me “sometimes.”
poodlegoose – You’re right. It’s a sweet looking suit though, I promise.
allie – I always clothes shop with Ari, because if the woman who sexs me up doesn’t like it, what’s the point? I can’t believe I just typed, “sexs me up.”
big time – Me too! No, wait…
April 6, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Please, please do not ever stomp on a Hugo Boss suit. That would be a crime against humanity.
April 6, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Please tell me you bought a suit of armor suit.
Please.
April 6, 2008 at 10:22 pm
That Macy’s makes me want to tear my hair out. I remember going there for the first time as a kid and being all “wee! so many wooden escalators!” And then having to go shopping there again during college and being more like “OH MY GOD GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.” And then not being able to FIND my way out.
April 7, 2008 at 8:32 am
“This suit is ugly! This suit is ugly!”
Sometimes it’s like you’re a girl. If only you had also said “I LOOK FAT! I LOOK FAT!”…
April 7, 2008 at 8:43 am
ben – I know, there’s not way I’d ever do that. This suit makes me feel like a rock star. Or maybe just someone pretending to be a rock star.
kiala – I wish I could, but I can’t. I did slay a dragon on my way home though.
nicole – Exactly! The place is like a fucking maze! Just thinking about it makes me angry.
mindy – But am I a really cute girl? Cause as long as I’m a hottie I’m fine with this.
April 7, 2008 at 8:52 am
I usually say ‘fucking balls’ when I’m upset (no homo). Why? Beats me.
You should’ve went to the Men’s Warehouse. Apparently you’re going to love the way you look when they’re through with you. They guarantee it.
April 7, 2008 at 8:58 am
i’m a girl. i like shopping. i think it’s a great way to spend the afternoon.
but, man-i hate macy’s. it’s like fat tourists running in circles while scratching their fingernails on a chalkboard as you’re getting a root canal. on a good day.
April 7, 2008 at 9:02 am
There is definately something about a man in a suit…. Yummy.
So you need to post pictures of you in Your New Suit.
Not that I’m trying to suggest anything inapropriate or anything…
April 7, 2008 at 9:06 am
That Macy’s makes me want to kill myself.
April 7, 2008 at 9:06 am
I used to defend Macy’s, but after a credit card dispute with them, I’m in the “down with Macy’s camp.” Although there is no arguing a good suit, especially if it’s Hugo Boss with a good deal. I bet you look like one handsome devil.
April 7, 2008 at 9:08 am
This one time, I was at a wedding in a very, very expensive dress that I LOVED until the tiny little weak spagetti straps BOTH BROKE and the dress fell down and exposed my girls to the world and everybody.
I said “what the fucking fuck!?!” When I say that, that’s how you know I’m not happy.
And then I drank another Cosmo or 3 or 4 and I didn’t care anymore that everyone saw my boobies.
The end.
April 7, 2008 at 9:13 am
I really need to get a new suit myself.. a business one, that is.
blah.
April 7, 2008 at 9:22 am
cruz – I should’ve. There’s something oddly comforting about that dude’s voice.
betsy – I think you described Macy’s perfectly.
sassy – I don’t know about pictures, but we’ll see. Maybe if something good happens at the wedding, like me getting drunk and dancing.
rebeccca – Yes.
noelle – There is no defending Macy’s. It is the devil, and not a handsome one either!
kristen – Hahaha – it is amazing what alcohol makes you okay with, isn’t it? I sound like an alcoholic.
deutlich – I’m telling you, it wasn’t that bad. At least not as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
April 7, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I think Devon and I make a decent shopping team for the most part. Thankfully we live about 30 minutes from the nearest shopping center (not including Walmart), so neither or us have to endure this kind of hell very regularly.
And I agree that it’s good to have the opinion of the person who “sexes me up”, so to speak.
April 7, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I hate Macy’s but I hate Bloomingdale’s more. I cannot get out of that place. It’s like a really bad Where’s Waldo book, and Waldo is the hidden exit.
April 7, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Macy’s on a Sunday?! You are very brave.
I went last Christmas season…on a Saturday. I almost started punching people.
April 7, 2008 at 3:06 pm
A new suit to go to someone else’s wedding? Shit, dude. Wear a suit to your own wedding, but for someone else’s I say they should be thankful that I put on a shirt with buttons and a fucking tie.
I don’t own a suit and cannot think of any reason that I would want to. But that’s me.
April 7, 2008 at 3:37 pm
aimelina – Now I got you to say it too.
liz – I like Bloomingdales, it makes me feel expensive.
jessica – Sounds like you’re pretty brave too.
mickey – Hahaha – a shirt with buttons does make one feel dressed up.
April 7, 2008 at 4:18 pm
How’d I miss this post? I’m lame. Anyway, I’m with the 90 girls ahead of me — boys in suits = delicious!
April 7, 2008 at 6:09 pm
That sounds like my swimsuit shopping excursion this weekend…minus the happy ending.
Also, I’m quite impressed you’re wearing a suit to your millions of weddings – I’ll be lucky if I can get a tie on my boyfriend…
April 7, 2008 at 6:41 pm
hugo boss is the way to go.
for sure.
and i think that your old suit probably had it coming.
April 8, 2008 at 8:25 am
melissa – Yay!
megkathleen – You really have to wear a suit to a wedding. But then again, I tend to care about clothes and fashion a lot more than all the dudes I know, so you’re guy sounds like the norm.
tia – Thanks! And it did. That ugly fucker.
April 8, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Oh you know that day will come… weddings are unusual. Luckily I live in the south and am only friends with homos… so I don’t have to suffer from post open bar behavior.
April 26, 2008 at 11:04 am
[...] miraculously managed to get home without stomping on his suit, although there was some minor red wine spillage during a twirling incident on the dance [...]