once bitten, twice shy

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It must be hard to be from Transylvania.

Think about all the vampire jokes you’d have to deal with every single day of your life.  You’d never be able to escape them, no matter what you did.

You simply cannot introduce yourself as Ralph from Transylvania and expect the same reaction that Ralph from Iowa gets.

Every moment of your life would be marked because some dude named Bram Stoker wrote a book about a million years ago. And of course ol’ Bram wasn’t even from Transylvania, so he never had to deal with it.  He just got to be that dude who wrote about Creepy Stuff and as we all know, the ladies love them some Creepy Stuff.

Being from Transylvania, you don’t get to enjoy the finer things that Bram did, you just get the jokes.

You’re at your desk, enjoying a jelly donut and looking up quotes from Krull to drop at the next party you go to, and someone says, “Whoa there Dracula – you’re really loving sucking the jelly out of there aren’t you?”

You’re on a date, you tell the woman where you’re from and she drops, “So after dinner I bet you’re gonna turn into a bat and fly away.”  Of course you’d like to reply, “Possibly – if you don’t stop eating like a rabid hyena.” But you don’t.

You sit there and you smile.

You learn to tune them out and sometimes give the standard “Dracula pose” to get laughs when all you really want to do is punch someone in the knee.

It’s not your fault you were born in Transylvania, but really, just look on the bright side:  You can wear a cape at any time and no one will say a damn thing.

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Tags: Bram Stoker was a pimp, Ralph from Iowa is a fucking loser, sometimes I think about things that don't matter