please, co-worker, tell me more about your dog

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Good morning…if it even is still morning!   I know!  What was with traffic today?  It was so slow!  Can you believe that?  I mean, I thought it was supposed to be the rat race.  I am full of it today!  I don’t even need my cup of joe, because I’m already black and bitter!  Ha ha ha!  Except for the black part, of course.

You like coffee in the mornings, too?  We must be related!  I also cannot believe that they won’t buy another machine for the office!  Yes, HR often seems to overlook the basic needs of the employees – you’ve aptly stated that!  

You know, I used to have this great Garfield mug that said, “Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of coffee!”  That is such an accurate summation of the way I feel!  Aren’t I so intelligent, the way I purchase items with well-worn catchphrases? 

What’s that?  You have a dog?  Well, technically, Garfield’s a cat, but who am I to quibble over the ham-fistedness of another’s segues?  I’ll bet your dog’s confused by that big yard in your new house!  Can I have exact directions to your house, including the cross streets and at least two of the shortcuts you use to beat rush hour traffic?  Oh, and a third?  You are such a giver!  Even though I have only the faintest idea of the geographic area you’re referring to, I never would have thought you could take 29 to 167!  I must keep that in mind for all the times we’re not hanging out on the weekends! 

2 hours a day of walking your dog?  Wow, you certainly are dedicated!  Oh, sure, I can imagine that labs need that kind of care.  I mean, as if people who own beagles even deserve to call themselves pet owners with their twenty minute walks!  Might as well set up a Habitrail for your oversized gerbil, right?  Ha ha!

Seriously, I hope all people who own small dogs die.  That’s just inexcusable. 

Oh, eggs keep his coat glossy.  That information is going to be so useful to me at some unspecified point in the future.  Nope, no pets here.  I’m actually allergic to them, so I have to get my fill of pet ownership from other people telling me extensive stories about the trials and tribulations of their pets, down to the slightest nuance!

Oh, my goodness – that is too funny – I was just going to ask how your dog reacts to other dogs, and here you are telling me just that in great detail! I mean, now that I’ve got such a vivid mental picture of your dog, now that I fully understand it down to the cellular level thanks to all those descriptive adjectives and lengthy anecdotes, I would like – as an armchair scientist – to gather data on how that known quantity interacts with other similar quantities.  That would have kept me up nights guessing. 

I’ll bet he’s fussy with his food!  That sounds just like him!  Does he ever steal a long string of sausages like dogs used to in 1940s cartoons?  Do they sell sausages in long strings these days?  Whatever happened to that?

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