I’ve often wondered what super powers I would have if I suddenly became a super hero one day.
Becoming a super hero always seems to happen by accident or some Strange Incident, so I imagine I’d be ordering a bagel and instead of giving me scallion cream cheese the dude would give me Radioactive Cream Cheese and Zap! I’d have super powers.
My first choice is always to be able to fly, because then I could irritate all my friends by flying above them and throwing fruit at their heads. Small fruit, of course.
I’m not a total asshole.
Then I think that maybe I’d want Super Strength, so I could play in the NFL and be The Best or maybe just be able to shove people really hard when they walk too slow.
The more I think about it though, the more I realize that along with some cool super powers, I’d be destined to get some kind of lame super power, like the ability to fix staplers when the staples get all stuck in there.
Not that I wouldn’t be in demand, because I would.
Nothing is more annoying than having a stapler jam on you. You sit there, swear under your breath, then open the thing up. Then you have to start digging at the little crunched staple that somehow messed up the whole damn operation and you always end up pricking your finger.
With me around though, the world would be free of this annoyance.
The instant someone’s stapler jammed, I’d get this feeling that Something Is Not Right, and I’d fly off to save the day.
It’d be a kind of crappy life for a super hero, always having to read about how Superman saved some kids (who were probably brats anyway) from a fire while I was off helping Steve in HR resuscitate his Swingline Heavy Duty.
But I’d do my duty because that would be The Good Thing To Do.
With great power comes great responsibility, right?