minus one

I should explain first that I hate the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. When Ari watches it I want to punch myself in the face until I pass out, because if I wanted to listen to eight kids screaming and yelling I’d, I don’t know, have some fucking kids.

With that, because I’ve seen the show, I can’t help but notice how shitty Kate is to Jon. If you’ve seen it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Jon is like a shell of a man, which I guess is what happens when you have eight kids, but Kate definitely makes it worse.

But now there are rumors of a security guard catching Jon in the act of cheating on his wife, and I feel like screaming “Yes! Jon has his life back!”

I’m not saying cheating is a positive, but really, this is a Good Thing. And don’t tell me about how it’s bad because “What about the kids???” Do you think it’s better for kids to grow up in a house where the parents hate each other or one with just one parent?

Exactly.

So this is just to say, “Hello Jon. It’s nice to have you back among the living.”

Also, tell Kate her hair is weird.

come one come all

THANKS BE TO GOD AND ALLAH AND THOSE OTHER WEIRD GODS THAT PEOPLE LIKE!

I’ve been without Internet all day, until right now. I was starting to lose my mind. I had to do things like “read the paper” and “interact with people” and let me tell you, it was as terrifying as it sounds. But it’s all good now.

Now for a Special Announcement:

Next Saturday, May 2nd, at 9:30, there will be a blogger meet-up here in the city. So any of you that can come, please do. You don’t have to be a blogger either, you can just come to point and laugh at me and the others. Okay, maybe just me, the others might get upset.

Anyway – we’ll be at Village Pourhouse in the East Village, corner of 11th and 3rd Avenue. Also, the fight will be shown, so no worries about that.

Below are the blogs of the people who are definitely coming, including me. So come out, as long as you don’t mind lots of drinking, yelling and maybe me challenging you to an arm wrestling match, even though you’ve told me to leave you alone.

http://lemmonex.com/

http://speak-on-it.com/

http://idontliketoread.wordpress.com/

http://www.ihatesomuch.com/

http://www.pinkindiaink.com/

http://wordyninja.wordpress.com/

http://shenaniganist.wordpress.com/

http://www.livitluvit.com/

http://dmbdoesnotstandfordavematthewsband.blogspot.com/

http://ontheroadwithcavy.blogspot.com/

what’s really going on

Ever hear of the magazine The Economist?

Here:

I wish I could make explosions with my hands too. It's kinda cool.

It’s a weekly news and international affairs magazine and it is probably the most boring thing to read of all time.  Aside from the Bible.  But at least the Bible’s full of fairy tales and burning bushes and fun stuff like that.

The Economist is Time on crack. It’s Newsweek on PCP and it’s Maxim, well, it doesn’t have anything in common with Maxim because I firmly believe that Maxim is actually one big joke; that none of the editors actually meant for anyone to read it.

What The Economist is most of all though, is a magazine that people read to show other people how smart they are.  It’s like a portable show and tell for adults. They want everyone to see the cool thing that they have be jealous.  But don’t be.

Because whenever you see a person reading this magazine, trust me, they are not enjoying themselves. They just want people to think that they Know Things about places, places that they actually cannot even pronounce.

I know because I tried.  About a year ago I thought to myself, “I would really like to keep up on Issues.”  So I tried reading it for about a month straight.

It was horrible.

I felt like punching my own eyes.  My own eyes!

Every single time I started reading an article in The Economist I would get bored within the first three paragraphs.  I felt, like my friend J.P. says about watching Jeopardy, that I was doing homework.  And the only thing good about being an adult is not having to do homework, so I stopped trying to act like it was a good magazine.

Now it’s just me and my Ranger Rick.  Just try and get bored with all those articles about baby alligators – I dare you!

a letter

Dear Oprah,

I just saw the cover of the April issue of your magazine, and I think I’ve had enough.  I know that you do a lot of good for people and all that, but this is a little ridiculous.

Michelle and Oprah, in a world where belts are a must, even if they are plastic and clear.

I’m not even talking about how you and Michelle Obama are obviously photo-shopped.  Or the fact that you let the first lady get photographed wearing a belt I’m sure they sell at Wal-Mart.  Because that doesn’t even really bother me.

What I have a problem with is that you couldn’t let Michelle Obama have the cover of your magazine to herself.

Is it not enough that you have been on the cover of every single other issue?  I guess not.  When you found out she was giving  you an interview, you just couldn’t let the first black First Lady ever chill by herself.  Nope!  You had to be on the cover too!

I don’t understand.  What is the point?  It’s not like people don’t know who you are already.  When I’m at Dunkin’ Donuts ordering a healthy chocolate donut for myself, and I see you walk in, it’s not like I’m turning to my friend and exclaiming, “Who’s that black lady???”  No, I’m saying, “Damn! Oprah likes donut holes too!”

What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t make sense.  I don’t get how you didn’t think, at least just for a second, “Maybe I could step aside this time.” You do know the damn magazine is named after you, right?

Anyway, I think I’m done with you.  This is just too weird.

In closing, now that I’ve voiced my disapproval, please don’t use your special Oprah Magic to turn me into a one-legged monkey.

Best,

Chris

it is not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up

Look, I understand being dedicated to fitness.

I mean, I go to the gym almost everyday and despite the granny who works out in her sports bra, I still love a good workout like nothing else.

And I’m sure you were in a rush.  These are busy times.  Everyone is in a hurry all the time.

You probably even thought that no one would notice you, and that your decision was based purely on convenience and not wanting to show off to everybody that you are a Healthy Man and A Cyclist.

But here’s the thing – you made a mistake.  When you decided to do this, you were wrong.  Whatever your thought process was before the moment when I snatched your picture, it was Incorrect.

I know, I know – I’ve made mistakes too.  I’ve been on the wrong side of decisions more often than the right, but what’s important is that I learned from those errors in judgment.  When I wrestle with my dog so viciously that he bites my ass so hard it rips a hole in my sweats, I learn not to wrestle with him so much.  Or at least to run away when I’m done.

So I’m hoping that this is a one time deal, and from now on, there will be no more of this.

Because no matter what you say, no matter how you say it, you will never convince me that you couldn’t have changed before you came to the grocery store.

Yes, those are tighty-whitie lines.

buck the trend

I’m a guy who appreciates fashion, so yes, at one point in my life, I thought it was socially acceptable to wear pink shirts and no, I don’t feel like there will ever be a time when I can forgive myself for that.

Because I try to be stylish, I’ve participated in almost every fashion trend, from Jeans That Look Like They’re Old But Aren’t to the Great Graphic Tee Epidemic of 07. I hear the latter ended when a GUESS? manager demanded a blue t-shirt – without an ironic helicopter on it – and threatened to hold the store employees hostage until he got one. Yes, it was a brutal as it sounds.

The one trend that I simply cannot, and will not adopt though, is wearing skinny jeans.

I do not wear skinny jeans for two simple reasons: 1) I’m not a rock star in a band with songs about how sad trees are when you think about it and 2) I don’t hate myself. If either of these were true, I’d probably be wearing skinny jeans every day of my life, but thankfully they’re not.

The skinny jean look on men doesn’t work for several reasons.

For starters, they hug the equipment too tightly. Our equipment, as ugly as it can be, needs space to operate. It is not meant to be squeezed together like Rosie O’Donnell in a spandex jumper. Without space a man’s equipment begins to ache, and with the hurting comes the readjusting, and with the readjusting comes the public humiliation that makes men feel sad, which causes them to buy more skinny jeans. It’s a vicious cycle.

Also, skinny jeans display what men’s legs really are: scrawny twigs that somehow support our bodies. If you surveyed men across the nation, you’d find that about 87% of them have tiny legs. The only ones who don’t abuse steroids, and you know what they say about men on steroids- well, nothing really, because men on steroids have big muscles.

Finally, skinny jeans make other men hate you.  There is no explanation necessary here.  You will lose friends if you choose to wear jeans that look like they belong on the rack at Baby GAP.

There really are no benefits to the skinny jean look for men and it doesn’t matter how hard they try.

I won’t be taking part of this trend. Instead, I’ll ride the wave out, and wait for what I hear is the next big thing: leopard print thongs. On top of the pants.

I’ve just got one thing to say about that – rawrr!

and many more

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of this blog.

One entire year.

I never thought I’d make it, especially seeing as my last attempt at a blog had about as much success as Jaws 3-D (a shark in 3-D!  That’s just taking it beyond scary!).  But somehow here I am, a year later and one could argue, a year better.  Of course one could argue after a first post like this, there was no where to go but up, but whoever wants to argue that can just go to hell.

Seeing as I have one year under my belt, I thought I’d talk about some things I’ve learned/stuff I hate/crap I’ve noticed about blogging since I first started.  And oh yeah, thanks for reading.  Without you this blog wouldn’t have made it.  Now stop looking at that stain on my pants.  It’s just water, I swear.

1. Keep your posts short.  I know you can write a 4,356 word post on how your weekend was, but trust me, it wasn’t that great.
2. Please don’t apologize for not posting.  If you have a life and can’t post, be proud of yourself.  You are better than all of us.
3. LOL Cats are never funny.  NEVER.
4. I don’t want to read your “hilarious” g-chat transcript with a friend.  It’s not as funny as you think it is.
5. When someone posts about being concerned about their mother getting old, it is not okay to tell a “yo momma” joke in the comments.
6. Yes, even if it’s a good one like “Yo momma’s so old, she’s got a Jesus Starter jacket.”
7. Yes, really.
8. Drunk posts are always entertaining, and if possible, post video.
9. For some reason, people have a hard time detecting sarcasm.  Reply to their comments with even more sarcasm.
10. Speaking of replying to comments – I always like blogs that do this.  Otherwise I feel like I’m commenting to a brick wall, which is fine when I’m at work, but not when I’m reading blogs.
11. People don’t click links.  No matter who much you tell them how great and exciting and awesome it is, they just don’t do it.
12. Neither do I.
13. No one reads on the weekends.  I learned this the hard way, as several posts on the weekends went unnoticed.  A post about Denver the Last Dinosaur people!  How could you not read that???
14. People don’t read posts when they get too long.
15. Like this one.  But if you’re still reading, here’s a secret: I thought The Real World Movie: The Lost Season wasn’t that bad.

up, up and away

This morning as I was getting dressed to leave the gym, I noticed a guy who was, despite all Social Norms, wearing a denim shirt and jeans.

Of course I started to dissect this man because I write a blog and it is my duty to ponder the irrelevant things in life.

My first impression of this man was that he is the do or die type.  Black or white, yes or no, go big or go home.  There is no “gray area” for this man.

He knew that today was Jeans Friday, and he took Jeans Friday and punched it in its face.

I imagine he woke up this morning, strutted to his closet and decided that today was the day he’d finally show everyone at work What He Was About.  Other Jeans Fridays had come and gone, and he was always left with feeling as if he could’ve done so much more.

So today, when his alarm went off, he slipped on his jeans (stonewashed, of course) then slipped on his button-down denim shirt (business casual), and made sure that today would be regret-free.  Well, as regret-free a day as a man who wears denim head to toe can have.

My second impression was that this man is a super hero, and Fridays just happen to be Denim Man’s busiest day, so he has to get an early start.  But that doesn’t really make sense.

Or does it?

watch your mouth

People say lots of stupid things.  It can be quite frustrating.

At any moment in your life, you could hear something like “I think Vin Diesel is a great actor,” or even “I’m going to wear two polo shirts, one on top of the other, and pop both collars!” 

And then there’s this one:  “Get dropped like a bad habit.”

I don’t really understand this.  Aren’t bad habits, by definition, difficult to drop?

If the habit is bad, then really the only reason you’re doing it is because you can’t stop.

You never hear someone say, “Oh man, quitting smoking was so easy!  I just ate more pancakes, and poof! Cravings were gone.”

Smoking is an addiction and a bad habit wrapped into one tiny package that may or may not appeal to a camel named Joe who wears sunglasses all the time, and is therefore obviously cool.

The point is, dropping a bad habit is not easy.  If it were, it wouldn’t be bad.

No one wants to drop a good habit.

I don’t think I’ll ever hear someone say, “I always keep my finances in such good order, seems like a good time to start doing smack and not look at the check book for three months.”  Though I guess if I do, I will be the first person to know a fiscally responsible heroin addict.

Trying to filter through all the stupid things people say can be hard, and it’ll never stop, so really there’s no point in even trying.

You just have to smile when they say it, and probably maybe stop hanging out with the two polo shirts guy.

(Okay, serious time people.  I’ve been nominated for several awards over at the 20 Something Blogger Network – I joined when I was still in my 20′s dammit – and I just wanted to say thanks to anyone who nominated me.  I really appreciate anyone who reads this blog, it honestly humbles me.  With that said, I want to win Funniest Blog because I am insanely competitive.  So if you’re a member, please vote for me, and if you do, I promise you a goat, a chicken and a virgin. Now that’s incentive.)

let it fly at your own risk

There are lots of things that I like to make fun of, which I think is what makes me such a mature individual, but few of them give me as much pleasure as laughing at someone who is puking.

I don’t mean puking because you ate some bad chicken, because that’s not really that funny, but puking because you drank eight sake bombs and then thought four shots of Petron would be the perfect way to follow that up.

So when I stepped out of the karaoke place on Saturday night and saw a girl bent over ralphing (the best synonym for puking there is), I just had to laugh, and of course, take a picture.

Might want to throw those shoes out.

It’s kind of hard to make out, but that girl in the white top is puking her guts out.  Her Man Friend is coming toward me, because he incorrectly kept telling me “That’s not funny man!”

I just kept laughing and insisting it was, because of course it was!  She was puking!  I think my exact words were, “Hahaha!  She’s puking!  Puke!”  And when he kept getting angrier I just shrugged and told him that it was too late because I had it all on film.  I’m a fun drunk.

I don’t know why people get so mad.  Someone throwing up in public is about the funniest thing ever.  I’ve been made fun of for puking by others and I wouldn’t expect anything less.

If you’re puking because of too much alcohol, quite simply, you deserve to be laughed at.  You acted like an idiot and now your body is revolting and telling you that maybe it’s time to reexamine your life.

I can’t help it – if I see a Puker, I am laughing.

So if you’re ever out with me and you feel your stomach rumble and you think you’re going to hurl, better get to the bathroom so I don’t see you.  Otherwise you better believe that I’ll be pointing and laughing, and hopefully taking a picture of you for all the world to see.