coming to a theater near you

This Friday, the biographical movie based around Christopher Wallace, a.k.a. Notorious BIG, will be released in theaters across the country.

In case you are a Sad Person, and don’t know who that is, he’s a guy who came from the projects of Bed-Stuy Brooklyn and eventually became (arguably) one of the best lyricists ever, only to have his life cut tragically short when he was gunned down by an unknown assailant.

I just want to mention that I have never typed or said “assailant” before, and I promise never to do it again.

Anyway.

The title of the movie is “Notorious,” and it will probably be fairly cool if you enjoy things like hip-hop, women and people who are more talented than you’ll ever be.

With this movie about to be released, it got me to thinking what a biographical film about me would look like, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don’t think anyone would want to see it.  Not even my Mom.  And I bet my two brothers would walk out during the middle, even though they’d both be drunk.

But let me present a general outline to you, and tell me what you think.

“Average”

“The Story of Chris, an Okay Sort of Guy.”

The  Struggle:  Here is a young Chris, age nine. He is battling with teachers who somehow don’t understand that him crawling under desks during class is just Artistic Expression, not him simply being an ass.

The Rise to Fame: Here is a young adult Chris, age 22.  He has just found his friends keys after the friend couldn’t locate them for thirteen minutes.  

The Tragic Fall: Here is adult Chris, age 30. He has just written a blog post about a movie about his life that makes him realize that maybe he needs to stop writing blog posts and actually do something worthwhile with his life like help baby monkeys. Sadly, he does not do that, and instead eats some trail mix.

Best Picture?  Probably not.

Best Movie About Something Lame? Let’s just say I have my acceptance speech ready to go.

get ready to rumble

Everyone seems to be pretty pleased with this new movie, Wall-E.

I’m not.

I’m furious.

Here’s why: Those fuckers at Disney ripped off the second best robot movie (behind Robocop of course) of all time, Short Circuit.

Wall-E is an exact copy of Short Circuit’s star, Johnny 5.

Of course I have compiled Scientific Evidence to prove my point.

Here is Wall-E.

Awww, he’s so cute.

Look at him playing with that Rubik’s Cube, it only makes me want to vomit in my mouth once.

Now here’s Johnny “Motherfucking” 5.  I added the motherfucking for effect.  It’s my Artistic License.

Uh, notice any similarities?

Wall-E has the exact same head, the exact same wheels, and almost identical hands.

You’re pissed off right now, aren’t you?  I know!

This is bullshit!

How can Disney so blatantly disrespect 1) A bad-ass robot and 2) Steve Guttenberg???

Steve was in Three Men and a Baby (with Tom Selleck!!!) and Police Academy – two additional classic movies! Has the world gone mad???

Are pigs flying?

Did McDonald’s stop making commercials that are just fucking terrible and finally realize that the best ones they ever had starred the Hamburgerlar?

It’s times like these when I really, really start to question if The End Of Days is upon us.

When I can’t live my life in peace, knowing that gems from my childhood will remain intact and Unfuckedwith, I just don’t feel safe anymore.

I’ll tell you what, this Injustice, this Abomination, WILL NOT STAND.  I’m calling Johhny 5 and I’m calling Steve and we’re going on a roadtrip to kick Wall-E’s ass.

You think I get worked up over Things That Don’t Matter?

Just wait until you see Steve Guttenberg get gully – it’s not for the faint of heart.

don’t be jealous scorsese

I’m about to head out of the city for the weekend, so I leave you with this.

The moment you all have been waiting for – my first video post.

It is moving.

It is inspiring.

It is a movie of epic proportions.

Or maybe just two bored people sitting in an apartment in Brooklyn, New York.

calling all troops

Chuck Palahniuk and I are pissed off.

He is pissed because of this new movie called “Never Back Down” that’s supposed to be about a fight club.

But it’s not really.

It’s really a chick flick disguised as a movie about a fight club.

Synopsis:  Teen heartthrob rebel moves to a new school, gets beat up by a bully, falls for the popular girl, then finds himself at the end.  How original.

That’s why Palahniuk is pissed.

I’m pissed because this has gone too far.  When fight clubs become chick flicks, the destruction of man as we know it has come full circle.

Can’t us men have something? Punching someone in the face is supposed to be manly!  I don’t want to see some pretty blue-eyed teen smiling at me when I’m thinking about violence.  I want to see faces getting smashed and cars flying off of things that don’t make sense.  Nothing else.

Pure and simple Man Things.

It’s clearly not okay to be a man anymore.  I’ve seen the magazines.  I read Men’s Health.  It’s exactly the same as Cosmo.  “Great Sex” and “How to Get The Right Girl in 8 Steps” are both articles that have appeared in Men’s Health.  I wonder where the “Kill Your Manliness in 3 Steps” article is.  Next month I’m sure.

What has become of us men?

I mean, I bought lavender shampoo on Sunday.  Lavender.

What the hell is wrong with me???  There is not one situation in life in which a man should own lavender shampoo.

None.

So I gave it to Ari.

It’s time to take back our manliness men.  It’s time to re-watch episodes of the A-Team.  It’s time to stop shaving for a month.  It’s time to fart, look around at the disgusted faces, and proudly declare, “Yeah, you wish that was you.”

It’s time to be men once again.