tune out

I don’t watch Lost, nor do I ever intend to.

I just don’t get it.  I don’t understand why everyone thinks this show is so great.  I feel like the kid in Flight of the Navigator – I woke up one day and I was the same, but everyone around me was different.

I mean, it’s a show about people stranded on an island.  In present day.

This kind of thing doesn’t happen.  People don’t get lost on islands, let alone time-shifting ones that harbor castaways who don’t take their ties off. It just doesn’t happen.

I think, though I might be wrong, that if I got stranded on an island and I was wearing a tie, the first thing I would do (aside from crying like a little girl) is take my damn tie off.

Also, Lost has been done before.  It’s a complete rip-off of Gilligan’s Island.

That’s right.  Gilligan’s Island.  That was the first show about people who got stranded on island and, of course, the hilarious hi-jinks that ensued.

And at least that show was believable because it was set in the 60′s, a time when it was still socially acceptable to eat excessive amounts of acid, rub your naked butt on someone else’s naked butt and think that James Bond movies are “far out.”

But don’t let me stop you from watching Lost.

I’m sure it’s fine in that it doesn’t make you want to gut yourself, but as for me, I think I’ll stick to shows that are more intellectually stimulating.

Like Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

some relaxation, aside from the impending death

Last night I watched a TV show called “I’m Not Supposed To Be Alive” on Animal Planet.  

It’s about people who get attacked by animals and somehow make it out alive (awesome), and last night’s episode detailed the story of some vacationers in Africa who get stranded in the middle of a river once their boat capsizes.

One of the guys decides to attempt to swim to shore to go get help, even though at the moment, there are about 458 crocodiles in the river.

Of course the others with him question whether this is a good idea, saying that he’ll be sure to get killed.  This struck me as odd, because my questions revolving around this trip would’ve started when my friend brought up the very idea of “vacationing” on a river infested with crocodiles, not when someone was about to die.

The guy finally convinces them their only hope is for him to swim, so he does.  And he almost makes it – until he does something that is not very bright.

He arrives at the shore, only to spot a crocodile about ten feet away from him.  So instead of running away from the crocodile, which I think is probably Rule Number One in the How To Not Get Eaten By A Crocodile Guide, the man goes back into the water and approaches the big lizard thing.

The crocodile, realizing that this man is not as smart as the zebra that evaded him during brunch earlier, promptly chomps the man’s arm and tries to eat him.

Eventually the man gets away by puncturing some sort of hole in the crocodiles mouth, and everyone gets rescued by some random people who happen to pass by on the river, meaning the guy did all of that for nothing.

Now everyone is happy to be alive, and I was happy to have heard about a crocodile attack, but the issue still remains – what the hell was wrong with that guy who went after the crocodile?

I guarantee that when everything settled down and that group of friends hung out again – that guy was not making any decisions.

When he suggested a bar – they went to a different one.

When he told everyone he knew about a party – they decided to go home instead.

That guy has officially given up all merit as a decision maker.  If he couldn’t figure out that attacking a crocodile is worse than running from a crocodile, there is no way he can be allowed to influence others ever again.

In fact, I bet he’s the one who suggested vacationing on a death river in the first place.

necessary evil

Talking about the hit show The Hills as a man will not get you anything from other guys aside from extreme looks of disapproval and maybe even a stern talking to, but this is because they don’t realize that men need The Hills.

More specifically, men need Spencer Pratt.

No one in recent memory has done as much to make other men look good as Spencer Pratt.

Every time a girlfriend demands to watch The Hills, and Pratt is featured in the episode, two things happen immediately after the show is over: 1) She will exclaim, “God I hate that Spencer!” and 2) She will look at her man, even though he still hasn’t done the dishes, and smile.

When Pratt vacations with his plastic-girl-with-questionable-musical-skills Heidi and stages an unofficial wedding after getting wasted, this makes all other men – no matter what they do – look great.

A man leaves his dirty socks on the dinner table?  No worries – Pratt has done worse.

A man stumbles home at 3:47 AM while drunkenly singing “You Get What You Give” (which happens to be one of the worst songs ever made)? No worries – Pratt has got him beat in next week’s episode.

Pratt is perhaps the worst man to ever walk the Earth – narrowly beating out Andy Dick – and that is the reason men should not be so opposed to The Hills.

A world without Pratt means that men would have to Be Romantic and Talk About Feelings, while a world with Pratt means that men simply get to be themselves.

you’ve already seen this one

I don’t own a TiVo and I don’t really care.  Sure, I’d like to be able to watch shows that I have to miss because I’m interacting with other humans for reasons like “birthdays” and “because that’s what adults do Chris,” but my thinking is if I miss them, no big deal.

And I’m not even one of those people who don’t own a TV because frankly, those people drive me insane and I maybe sometimes want to yell at them because everyone fucking likes TV dammit.

No, I love TV as much as the next person, but TiVo is just something I really don’t need in my life.  Which is why I don’t understand this whole “TiVo guilt” thing.

I just read about it this morning.  It’s the feeling people get when they turn on their TV’s and see that they have all these shows that they have recorded, but haven’t watched, thus – feeling guilty about it.

I have just one thing to say to those people out there suffering from TiVo guilt: Get the fuck out of here.

Just go.

You’re telling me that you feel bad, like the bad I feel when I knock an old lady down while diving for a seat on the train, when you haven’t caught up on the missed episodes of “Two and a Half Men?”

Listen to me – your life is better for missing those episodes.

Let them die.  

If you’re watching that show then you should already feel badly about your life, but feeling guilty for deleting them off of your TiVo is just fucking ridiculous.

You want to feel guilty?  Try ignoring someone’s Facebook group request and then when they see you on the site and ask, “Hey, did you see that request I sent?” the only thing you can say is, “Um, yes.”

There’s no reason to feel guilty about TiVo though.  Just let the shows go and get on with your life.

Unless you have the last two episodes of Rock of Love on there, and if that’s the case, I’m coming over.

oh yes, it will be good

There are times in a person’s life when he must go against what he believes to be right – when he must turn to the world and scream, “Yes, you may judge me – but I am doing this despite your challenges!”

It is these times, these moral wrestling matches, that make us who we are.

Perhaps it was that time you decided that turtlenecks were okay to wear in public, or maybe it was when you tried desperately to bring back “rad,” even though all of your friends stopped hanging out with you as a consequence.

You hear the whispers.

You see the stares.

Oh how they talk!

Oh how they stare!

But you press on.  You press on because who are they to tell you your behavior is deplorable?  Have they not sinned???  Were they not the ones who told you Paris Hilton’s album was worth buying?

Yes, you know them well.

And that is why you steel yourself to their disapproval.

You will do what you must because the end result will bring you much happiness.  You do this because every second of it will make you smile.

Yes, your decision is rash.  Yes, your decision is confusing.  But not to you.  In your heart you know that after all the smoke clears and the dust settles, you will be a better person for having gone through with it.

When I heard that Kim Kardashian was going to be on the next Dancing With The Stars, I knew this was one of those times for me.

I will watch her, not because it is something I want to do, because it is something I must do.

When the world asks me why, I will not offer a complex reason.

I will not utter some intellectual comeback.

Instead I will laugh at their foolishness, hand them this picture and calmly explain, “Ass so fat you can see it from the front.”

routine check-up

What is with America’s obsession with TV shows based around doctors?

First there was MASH, which made war funny like I imagine it is (Silly Johnny, he stepped on a landmine!  But look, Radar is doing something quirky again!).  Following that we had Doogie Howser, who set the stage for a TV show where we watched someone typing on a computer (Carrie Bradshaw anyone?). Then there was ER, a show that will continue to air even after the Earth explodes.  Still, sensing that TV needed more doctor drama, there was Nip/Tuck, House (a doctor who plays by his own rules!) and Grey’s Anatomy.

I think that’s enough.

I don’t see what the lure is anyway, they’re all so damn fake. I don’t know about you, but my doctor visits are never anything remotely like what has happened on any of these shows.

My typical visit goes like this:

I walk in and scan the waiting room for the sickest looking person there, and find a seat as far away from them as possible.  I don’t want whatever Mr. Red Face has. I’ve got my own problems to deal with.

This seat is always farthest away from the magazines.  It never fails.

I sit until utter boredom takes over every cell in my body, including my sick ones, then venture over to get a magazine.  Of course the only magazines they ever have are either for kids or old ladies.  This gets to me, because what are they trying to say?  ”Clearly you are a weak man, because only toddlers and grannies get sick. Hahahaha! You poor, sickly excuse for a man.”

I select Good Housekeeping and spend the remainder of my time waiting for the doctor reading about 30 minute de-cluttering tips for the laundry room.

When I finally get called into the room by the nurse, I examine all the posters on the wall and think that I probably have four out of the five diseases on them.

Finally, after the doctor comes in and does his magic/gives me pills before I even say anything, I leave the office, making sure to appear healthier and Full Of Knowledge when I pass by the poor saps in the waiting room.

That’s it really.

That’s all that happens.

I never see any impromptu make-out sessions between doctors, I never get to hear anyone yell about weird lumps on someone’s ass and I never get to see people who have some kind of crazy rash they got from a secret government experiment.

Though I bet Mr. Red Face is not as innocent as he seems.

good housekeeping

As I stepped off the train this morning on my way to the gym, I was lost in thoughts about how Lauren Conrad is exactly why The Hills works, she’s perfect enough to make women want to be her and flawed enough for women to hate her, thus evoking the two strongest emotions there are – jealousy and anger – from viewers.

With these thoughts swirling in my head, I noticed that a homeless guy had set up shop on the platform across the tracks from me.

He was covered in blankets and a bunch of other miscellaneous stuff, pretty much rocking the Standard Homeless Dude Uniform.

He also had a cart full of stuff next to him, and in this cart was a dust buster.

That’s right.

A homeless dude, someone whose life was ever-changing and could only hold onto a few select items from day to day, decided that the dust buster was making the cut.

Not soap.

Not shampoo.

A dust buster.

Obviously, I was quite impressed by this.

The man probably has shit in his underwear every single day of his life, but when he goes to settle down on whatever grate or staircase he chooses for the night, he makes sure he tidies up the space first.

A little dust bust here, a little dust bust there and he’s ready for the night.

I bet he’s quite the whiz with that little Tool Of Dirt Destruction, zooming it around with the greatest of ease, the envy of all of his friends!

Or maybe he just uses it to beat people who try and steal his socks.

That’s a tough one to call.

the best i can be

I often find myself comparing things to find out which I prefer. This usually leads to many moments of stimulating conversation and maybe someone telling me I think too much about Things That Don’t Matter.

But I enjoy it, so I do it anyway.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about Saved By The Bell, arguably the best TV show ever created.

When I was younger I used to think if I could be anyone, I would want to be Zack Morris, but lately I’ve come to understand that Zack was actually inferior to A.C. and that I was a fool – a fool! – for thinking that Zack was better.

A.C. was the fucking man.

He was the outsider – the drifter. Women love the drifters – just ask Clint Eastwood – dude gets mad ladies.

He was also the athlete of the group. Actually he was pretty much the only athlete in the entire school. He was a star wrestler, the quarterback on the football team and he was also on the basketball team.

A three sport star! How many sports do you star in? That’s what I thought.

Oh, and did I mention that A.C. was a drummer and a dancer? Yes. Soak that in my friends.

Did you ever notice how he called Zack “Preppie” and Jessie “Momma?” That’s because A.C. played by his own rules!

Zach was nothing compared to A.C.

Sure he got some girls and he ended up with Kelly, the prize of all Bayside, but overall he was pretty lame.

Zach always got busted because of his stupid schemes and his best friend was Screech.

Screech!

Why the hell would you choose Screech as your best friend???

Also, because Zack was always getting busted, Mr. Belding always kept his eye on him.

Meanwhile, what’s A.C. doing?

Oh just being the gangsta that he is and winning championships for the football team.

A.C. Slater is clearly the choice here.

He is the better man in every way. Something for us all to strive for, someone that we can all look at and think, “One day damnit. One day I’ll be just like him.”

Well, aside from the jheri curl.

I think I’ll pass on that.

it was fun while it lasted

I can’t fucking take The Real World anymore.

I have been with the show from the beginning too. I laughed when poor Julie asked Heather B. (raise your hand if you had her CD) if she wore a pager because she was a drug dealer and let out a “Oh snap!” when I watched Stephen address his issues with Irene.

This new season in Hollywood has broken me though.

All I do is sit and scream at the TV when it’s on.

The new cast doesn’t have to work – instead they’re all taking acting classes.

Then there’s a dude who looks like this.

And no one has said anything yet.

How the fuck can you look at someone with hair like that and not say something???

The first thing I would’ve said to this guy was, “Hey, what’s up man? I’m Chris, and your hair is making me uncomfortable.”

The new season also has a guy and a girl who say they don’t believe in labeling themselves “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” even though they’re cuddling and holding hands by the second episode.

Listen to me: If you’re cuddling, hooking up, and constantly hanging out with someone – that’s your girlfriend.

Shut the fuck up about labels.

I label you a Fucking Dumbass – how about that?

I guess this means that I’m old now or something, because I refuse to watch the show again.

From now on, if I want to watch a bunch of stupid, annoying people talk about Things That Are Not As Important As They Think They Are – I’ll just step out of my building’s lobby.

That should do the trick.

right side down

I’m going to go ahead and put this out there, even though I know some of you will no doubt make me sad by disagreeing with me, but Seinfeld was and still is the best TV show ever created.

Hands down.

No contest.

Well, I was watching a rerun last night, and it turned out to be my favorite episode – Bizarro Jerry. For those of you who don’t know every single Seinfeld by heart (losers) it’s the one where Elaine befriends the exact opposite – the Bizarro – of Jerry, George and Kramer. It’s also the episode featuring Man Hands.

Being that I am A Thinker – and maybe because I wasn’t drunk for the first time in three nights – I started wondering, what would Bizarro Chris be like?

He’d certainly be successful.

I’m sure he’d also enjoy Meeting New People and would express a genuine interest in what they had to say.

I bet he wouldn’t think roller coasters were a sure way to prematurely end his life in a giant ball of flame and metal.

He’d probably have a cat, not a dog that eats tennis balls instead of fetching them.

Bizarro Chris would also hold back from saying things like, “You’ve got issues” to a woman whom he has just met, that was complaining about eating too much.

I’m sure he’d even be an optimist, and not make a habit of expressing the darkest consequences of every single action – including mismatched socks.

The more I think about it, Bizarro Chris is probably a much more enjoyable version of me.

But really – who wants another Nice Person in the world?

There’s enough of those out there already.