thanks for nothing

The guy/girl in ancient Egypt that invented the umbrella should’ve been killed, and the invention should’ve been trashed too.

That way, when I’m walking to work and it’s raining, I would have a better device to use to block the rain than a fucking umbrella.

I fucking hate umbrellas.

They don’t do anything.  No, wait, yes they keep my head dry – that’s it.  Thanks for keeping the top of my head dry umbrella!  What would I ever do without you???

Let me ask you – have you ever used an umbrella – and stayed dry?

No.

Because they suck.  They don’t do what they’re supposed to do – which is keep you dry.  Now, with a fantastic umbrella over my head, every time I get to work I look like I just took my clothes out of the washer.  Pleats in the pants legs?  Goodbye!  Nice, dry dress shirt?  See ya!

All thanks to the umbrella and that fucker who invented it.  If that person never would have invented it, someone by now would’ve come up with something way better that actually keeps you dry.

Fuck Egypt.

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16 Comments

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16 responses to “thanks for nothing

  1. I hate umbrellas in the city! People just walk straight ahead and don’t care about anyone around them, so I constantly have to move mine up, down, around to avoid them. They should be looking out for me coming, dammit. 🙂

  2. I hate that too, especially when people have those big ass ones that are the size of a small SUV. Get a regular umbrella like the rest of us.

  3. Drive! Who walks in the rain? That’s total crazy talk.

  4. i think the device is paired up with a raincoat so you’d come out dryer. although, why are they sold separately?

  5. james – yeah, I should do that. I also might buy a garbage bag and cut holes into it and call it a day. People might look at me weird, but fuck it, at least I’ll be dry.

    kiraa – i would drive, but i live in NY, so I don’t own a car and the only way to get around is to walk. Or take a limo, but I only use my driver on the weekends.

    marjie – exactly.

  6. I have a well documented umbrella phobia

  7. todd – hmmm… might wanna get that checked out.

  8. FRM

    Two people that would probably take offense to this post
    (1)Rihanna
    (2)…the guy that worked for Puffy…in the plaid…

    Shhh about raincoats being paired with umbrellas or we will have a new fashion line by baby phat in T-5 seconds.

  9. frm – “Shhh about raincoats being paired with umbrellas or we will have a new fashion line by baby phat in T-5 seconds.”

    hahaha, good stuff.

  10. You know, now that I think about it, I always get partially soaked even while using an umbrella…I mean just getting in my car — how are you really supposed to successfully close the car door AND put the umbrella down without getting soaked?? And damnit to hell if there’s a wind…there goes the umbrella’s shape. Umbrellas just make you look crazy as hell..DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! Now I’m mad at the creator of the umbrella, Rihanna, and Totes! BASTARDS!

  11. boogiemonsta – glad to see I’ve raised some anger in you.

  12. hollywood – oh snap! You’ve found the solution! You are an angel among people – or something very complementary like that.

  13. Pingback: close to the edge « surviving myself

  14. Umbrellas do suck. The Nubrella is new to me but I did see an umbrella that had a better design than a normal umbrella not too long ago.

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