problem solver

One of the worst situations to ever be caught in, is riding the elevator with someone from work that you kinda know.

Of course, it just happened to me now.

I stepped into an empty elevator, all set to enjoy a solo ride to my floor, when in walks Coworker Dude.  Now, it’d be fine if I didn’t know him at all, but because I’ve said, “hey” to him a couple times when passing by him in our office, The Rules of Life dictate that I must speak to this man during our ride, despite how I’d much rather continue rocking out to “Word Up” on my iPhone.

And so the dance begins.

Me: “So, what do you think about all this Clemens stuff?  You following that at all?”

Coworker Dude: “No, not really.”

[mad awkward silence for what seems to be about half-an-hour]

Me: “Yeah, well, it’ll be nice to get out early today if all the stories get in for the deadline.”

Coworker Dude: “Yeah.”

At this point I’m ready to punch this dude in the face.  I just put my stupid ass out there and tried to make this godawful elevator ride a little less uncomfortable, and this fucker has done nothing but make it worse.

Thankfully, just when I’m about to fly into a blind rage, our floor comes up.

The next time this happens to me, I’m just going to spout an endless stream of facts, so that there is no gap in conversation and there is no need for the other person to speak.

Me:  “Lions are the second largest cat after the tiger.”

[Coworker looks at me, wondering if I’m talking to him]

Me: “Rubber bands last longer when you put them in the fridge.”

Coworker: [Confused and slightly agitated] “Uh, are you talking to”

Me: [Cutting him off] “There’s no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Vitamins.”

[Our floor comes up]

Me: “Well, have a good one.”

[Victory is mine]


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20 responses to “problem solver

  1. I had no idea there is no Betty in the vitamins. You should start with that. It might spark a conversation!

  2. Ha ha ha…that’s funny…luckily when that happens to me, I usually read the TV screen that we have in our elevator and it gives me random ass facts that allow me to be like “who knew, did you? Huh…and knowing is half the battle….G.I. Joe, the real American Hero!”

  3. tiff

    Turn up the volume and always rock out to Word Up!

  4. Oh man at my old job I was on the 32nd floor and hated getting on with people I kinda knew. I’m not one for small talk haha. If I got to work in the morning and no one was on the elevator it was like YESSSSSSSSS!!!


  5. dutchess – I would, but I’m not really a friendly guy, so I tend to not want to talk to people. This might be why people think I’m an asshole…

    tiff – you, my friend, have the right idea.

    jamie – that’s right. Thanks for the dap.

    lacey bean – oh man, 32 floors is torture. And yeah, there is nothing like the feeling of having an elevator all to yourself.

  6. Oh man, your method is a lot better then mine! I usually just fart and then berate the other guy for being disgusting.

  7. Oh man, that was hilarious!

    I have a really awkward suggestion for your endless stream of facts:
    Did you know that dolphins are the only animals, besides humans, that have sex for pleasure and not just to reproduce.

  8. I wrote an entry today just for you…

  9. I also find that making a high pitched, annoying “ping” sound whenever a floor is passed helps. Or, stand in the corner, facing away from them, and mutter some totally incoherent phrases to yourself.
    For instance: “She said the peanutbutter wouldn’t catch the flux capacitor on fire, but what does she know…she’ll have hell to pay now, I tell ya…”

  10. todd – hahaha! That’s kind of maturity I like hearing about.

    hollywood – Thanks. And no, I didn’t know that. But I think if I brought that up with a male coworker, he might get the wrong idea, and if I brought that up with a female coworker, she’d get me fired.

    Flipper was a freak huh? Thanks to you, I now think dolphins are cooler than I used to.

    boogiemonsta – thanks for the link! You found some great ones.

    birdwatching – yeah, I agree, acting like you’re insane is always a good way to get out of Shit That Sucks. Might use your peanut butter line at the next family reunion.

  11. HAHA – I came across your blog just now – freaking hee-lar-i-ous!!! I wish I had a longer ride to my floor in our elevator, I’d totally go into a “Useless knowledge” rampage… fan-friggin-tastic…

  12. summer – thanks! And yes, you should definitely use this idea to annoy as many people as possible.

  13. Stairs always win for me, partly for this reason.

  14. (Pinches facts for own lift situations)

    Theres nothing better then a solo lift ride.

  15. the boy – your damn right.

  16. wellhmmyep

    lol!!!! This always happens to me. I think you should def. try the “facts run” and see what happens…hell, I might take that as advice for the future.

  17. wellhmm – I’m going to. Watch out annoying coworkers – your day of reckoning has come.

  18. i’m gonna try this out some time soon. oh wait, i stopped taking the elevator. problem solved!

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