the battle

Alright hipsters, you win!

Okay?  You win.  I can’t fight you any longer.  I’ve been trying and trying to be as cool as you are, but it has become apparent that I can’t fucking do it – so I quit.

I want to be one of you.  I want to be so cool that I don’t even want to be cool.

So tell me – how do we start?

You know, I’m just a normal guy who wears normal (albeit fucking on point) clothes and likes normal things like sports and all the Conan movies.  So you’re gonna have to help me out.

What’s first?  Should I move to Williamsburg?  Done.  And yes, next I’ll remove all the hip-hop from my iPhone and replace it with bands that cleverly put “The” on the front of their names, like it makes them sound original or something.  Of course!  I realize that no one can like these bands, because the second someone does, they are lame.

Oh, yes, I’m already wearing my first pair of skinny jeans, though, I’ve gotta tell you, my nuts are killing me.  Oh!  Yeah, you can see them, can’t you?  Well, that’s what happens when men wear women’s jeans.  Not a pleasant sight!

No, sorry, I’m still in.

Okay.  Tattoo’s are next.  Yes, I’ll get really obscure looking ones so when people ask me, “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”  I can give them a look of utter disdain, knowing that they are beneath me for not realizing that I have a bar-code on my neck because I’m just a part of the fucked up system.

A mullet and a mustache huh?  Fucking right!  I understand.  I’ll wear this ugly facial hair and haircut proudly because other people just don’t realize how cool it really is.  I won’t get laid anymore because of this, but that’s cool too.  Everything I’ll do will be soooo cool.

Oh right, no more reading books about normal stuff and sports.  From now on, all you’ll ever see me reading on the train is books about politics, philosophy and weird dead dudes.  Oh man, the excitement of those books is gonna be non-stop!

That’s it?  I’m done?  So now I’m cooler than everyone right?  I can be a dick to anyone who doesn’t like indie rock and beer that tastes like I’m eating a loaf of bread?

What’s that?  No more blogging?

Fuck off bro.

You people suck anyway.


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23 responses to “the battle

  1. No no, I think you are allowed to keep blogging but it has to be really obscure, like a haiku about the meaning of revolution, or a ten page dissertation about the smell of a homeless man and how that actually is a simile for our cultural disevolution.

  2. Also, are you smoking? You should be smoking. But only some French brand that no one else can get.

  3. tiff

    you fight a real tough fight over there in NY: the hipster fight, the fight against cool.

    I salute you. But not if you give up blogging.

  4. The “the” thing about the bands is dead on. And most of the time, the shit doesn’t even make sense. The Bravery. The Decemberists. The Pining of a Tattooed Self-Important Douchecake. (they opened for John Mayer at some point, I think).

    Spot on, man. I laughed the entire time. (excuse me while i adjust my balls through these uncomfortable pants that I spent 2 paychecks on).

  5. Man oh man. I think your Williamsburg is like our Los Feliz. One of the diners and one of the comedy places I like are dangerously close to this hipster territory so I have to come face to face with them all the time. And it doesn’t matter how much I dress like a fucking lunatic, or listen to Band of Horses, or order old fashioned cocktails, I just can’t fit in with them. Maybe it’s because I’m not capable of growing an ironic mustache. I don’t know.

    Here’s something that helps. My friend and I point ones out to each other and evaluate them as AC or NC, AC being Actually Cool and NC being Not Cool. Then there is a special category: SNC, or So Not Cool, reserved for people I want to punch in the face.

  6. callmekp

    Yessssssssss. Brilliant.

    I love that to the hipster, coffee house culture I cannot have Rosie Thomas on the same playlist as Christina Aguilera. The point is to be anti. Anti- everything.

    (I think you just gave me an idea…)

    Good luck with those denim sack-suckers. And mind your zipper!



  8. Oh man, I love hipsters. And by “love” I mean “abhor.” My friend and I were getting ready to go out once and she was like “…that outfit is kind of LES (Lower East Side).” It was an insult. And I was offended.

  9. That is exactly what I’m saying. And my town is overrun with these fuckos.

    One night, we were out at Chopsticks (its a karaoke bar here) and we had made friends with this little hipster girl and I was explaining the tattoo I wanted to get with a panther all wrapped up in a bunch of lilies and the panther would be biting the lilies in a really silly lolcat kind of way and maybe holding an ice cream cone and she LAUGHED AT ME and then whispered to her other friend who laughed at me and then they went to the bathroom to do some coke.

    Anyway, here we have vegan hipsters who ride bikes. It freaking blows.

  10. arielle

    you better not come home in skinny jeans.

  11. dutchess – you’re right. And the more vague the better. I’m gonna get started.

    jiminy – No, I don’t smoke, but you’re right too – I need some really fancy foreign cigs. They should come in some sort of elegant package too – one with a bow or something on it.

    tiff – it’s a battle that never ends.

    birdwatching – thanks man. And yes, fucking stupid bands like that should be shot. They should stop whining about everything and then maybe their lives wouldn’t suck so bad.

    hollywood – Good game. But it would never work for me because I’d end up saying it way too obviously and have to be dragged out of the bar by my girlfriend to avoid a fight then have her tell me “how embarrassing” I am during the cab ride home.

    callmekp – thanks, and my eyes will never leave that zipper. That might upset people in public though.

    lacey – you’re too kind.

    arielle – Oh, the LES look is not a good thing for anybody. Your friend actually did you a service.

    kiala – I hope you got that ink anyway. And you should throw some bologna at the biking hipsters. That would be great fun, at least I think it would be.

    arielle – Nuts ahoy!

  12. Skinny jeans on men scare me. I’m talking nightmares.

  13. hahahaha. This was funny, and very spot on.

  14. freeandflawed – Me too.

    rachel – thanks, I see these people all around me every day. It’s very hard not to hate them.

  15. Great observation/post/everything. Now lets go throw some bologna at bike riding hipsters and blog about it.

  16. Ah crap. Man, I so suck.
    I have a mullet, tight nad squashing pants on, would love to grow a proper German pr0n star mustache and although I don’t own any albums by groups beginning with ‘The’ I have started to add the prefix “The” to all my favourite groups.
    I think I might be a closet hipster.

  17. meghan – thanks and where should we start?

    robbie – “closet???” You are out there my man!

  18. wellhmmyep

    lol!!!!!! omg! the part about the skinny jeans almost got me fired from laughing so hard. I absolutely hate hipsters. chicago has a shit load of those who classify themselves as such, except they are even anti anti…no more the bravery, nope they’re electro, skinny jeans, hard makeup and bright colors with big ass gold chains with leggings….I never really got are you even anti when you becomes scenesters and apart of a culture that is a growing group of homogenized shitbricks…ugh…good post though.

  19. wellhmmyep – I know! The whole thing is so wrong. Didn’t someone once say that there are no more original ideas/thoughts? Well, that person was right.

    “shitbricks” hahahaha

  20. uhm. you crack me the hell up – i’m damn glad you found me so that I, in turn, could find you! ha!

  21. deutlich – thanks a lot, you’ve made me feel all fuzzy inside. That 20sb thing is a great way to find good blogs – like yours.

    and mine.

  22. i live in hipsterville, chicago. i can relate.

    fyi – you need to watch this:

  23. erin – hahahaha that was awesome – thanks for that.

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