Alright hipsters, you win!
Okay? You win. I can’t fight you any longer. I’ve been trying and trying to be as cool as you are, but it has become apparent that I can’t fucking do it – so I quit.
I want to be one of you. I want to be so cool that I don’t even want to be cool.
So tell me – how do we start?
You know, I’m just a normal guy who wears normal (albeit fucking on point) clothes and likes normal things like sports and all the Conan movies. So you’re gonna have to help me out.
What’s first? Should I move to Williamsburg? Done. And yes, next I’ll remove all the hip-hop from my iPhone and replace it with bands that cleverly put “The” on the front of their names, like it makes them sound original or something. Of course! I realize that no one can like these bands, because the second someone does, they are lame.
Oh, yes, I’m already wearing my first pair of skinny jeans, though, I’ve gotta tell you, my nuts are killing me. Oh! Yeah, you can see them, can’t you? Well, that’s what happens when men wear women’s jeans. Not a pleasant sight!
No, sorry, I’m still in.
Okay. Tattoo’s are next. Yes, I’ll get really obscure looking ones so when people ask me, “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” I can give them a look of utter disdain, knowing that they are beneath me for not realizing that I have a bar-code on my neck because I’m just a part of the fucked up system.
A mullet and a mustache huh? Fucking right! I understand. I’ll wear this ugly facial hair and haircut proudly because other people just don’t realize how cool it really is. I won’t get laid anymore because of this, but that’s cool too. Everything I’ll do will be soooo cool.
Oh right, no more reading books about normal stuff and sports. From now on, all you’ll ever see me reading on the train is books about politics, philosophy and weird dead dudes. Oh man, the excitement of those books is gonna be non-stop!
That’s it? I’m done? So now I’m cooler than everyone right? I can be a dick to anyone who doesn’t like indie rock and beer that tastes like I’m eating a loaf of bread?
What’s that? No more blogging?
Fuck off bro.
You people suck anyway.