saturday shorts

* I saw that guy who told me about his nasty feet today at Trader Joe’s.  I stayed away from him.  I did look at his feet though.  This guy has no idea how much he has impacted my life.

* Packing groceries is a an art form.  When I worked at Sam’s Club (yeah, whatever, Walmart is the devil and all that, but I needed money for the mass amounts of pot I consumed – okay?) back in my freshman year of college I used to take an insane amount of pride in how well I’d pack people’s shit.  Now, when someone half-asses a bag for me – I just shake my head as I analyze their every move.  “Man, no way you go with the eggplant now – the ketchup!  The ketchup now you fool!!!”

* Speaking of grocery stores – have you ever used those self-check out things?  You want to talk about pressure?  There is nothing like when one of these things doesn’t work right.  I was trying desperately to get one to work today, and all it kept saying was, “Please place the item in the bag,” like some kind of fucked-up sadistic grocery robot.  I started to panic.  I could feel people’s eyes boring a hole into the back of my skull.  Sweat was pouring down my forehead and my hands were trembling.  It was fucking terrible.  I’m sure I just lost at least a year off of my life because of that ordeal.

* My dog is chewing on a penis.  I’m serious.  At the pet store today, my girlfriend and I were looking to get him some rawhide, when out of nowhere, the owner of the place says, “Has he ever had a bull-tuggy?”  We both shook our heads no.  The owner then hands him this thing that looks a lot like a rawhide bone, and says, “It’s a bull penis, kind of like rawhide, only lasts longer.”  I said to the guy, “Uh, I don’t think I feel comfortable with him chewing on a penis,” but Jack had already grabbed hold of it.  So now my dog is chewing on a penis.  This is not the way I envisioned my Saturday.


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15 responses to “saturday shorts

  1. I HATE selfcheckouts. I always feel like a moron when it doesn’t work and someone has to come over, all exasperated like, “oh my god this idiot can’t work a self checkout”.

    I’m kind of freaked out that your cute puppy is chewing on a penis. I can’t lie.

  2. haha, pets are amusing.

  3. Self-checkouts? Awful. Poorly, poorly designed, and the people that work at the store are even worse at operating them than the customers!

    Also, I wonder whose idea it was in the first place to make bull penises into dog chew toys. That is some enterprising shit…

  4. LMAO

    wow.. what a read..and now I must peruse the rest of your blog

    and I def. know what you mean about the pressure. I feel it too.

  5. jamie – yeah, there’s nothing like the self-checkout isle to make one feel like a complete idiot. I always want to turn aroud and yell to everyone, “Really, I’m smart! I went to college and I like to read – a lot!”

    penis chewing without a doubt makes jack lose some of his appeal.

    deutlich – I know, I just wish mine was a little less “amusing.”

    megan – Yeah, really. What kind of person does that? “Man, look at that bull’s cock. I know, lets cut it off, dry it out and give to my dog!” Weird.

    jemi – thanks. I think all people must hate those things. Which makes me wonder why don’t we have empathy for people when we’re the ones waiting? I think it has something to do with the fact that we are all – in some way or another – assholes.

  6. I think self-check out wouldn’t be so bad if that damn voice wasn’t so loud….

  7. Have you ever given him a “moo tube,” also known as an esophogus. Dog treats gross me out.

  8. I’m fine with the self check unless I’m with Dane. Then everything I do is not fast enough and just not, oh I don’t know, not DANE enough.

    Also, what about The Kong? It looks like pooh. WTF?

  9. poodlegoose

    Definitely agree with you on the self-check out deal. Pisses me off, because I know that I can run a register. It’s not that hard. I don’t get embarrassed, but honestly. There are stupider people who have gotten it right before… why can’t I?

    And penis, eh? We always get our dog a huge, huge bone and it’ll last her like 2 days. Maybe we should re-think this. Was it messy?

  10. boogiemonsta – I agree, it shouts at you. I don’t need the whole world to know that yes, I have some coupons for a dollar off toilet paper.

    dutchess – No, and this is the end of the Penis Experiment. No more penis chewing in my apartment. Ever.

    kiala – You know, I never thought about that, but you’re right – it does look like a nicely formed pile of shit. Clearly there are some people in pet toy marketing that have issues.

    poodlegoose – It did last longer, but you know, it’s a penis – so prepare yourself for non-stop penis jokes if you get it. “Jack loves the penis!” “Nothing like a penis to calm yourself down!” And on and on…

  11. Amen on the groceries. I was a very talented packer in my supermarket days. It’s kinda like tetris, but with things people are going to eat.
    Those self-check-out things were designed by satanists.

    I hope your dog is okay. Aren’t those chew toys meant to freshen their breath? Is it seriously like, dried penis?
    hehehe.. jerky.

  12. jiminy – Alright! Another fellow expert grocery packer. Yes, I guess it really is dried penis. It doesn’t look like a penis though. But I guess I’ve never really looked at a bull’s penis closely, so who knows.

  13. I’m totally with you on the bagging of groceries. Even the missus gets it wrong so I have banned her from bagging any of the larger food items as things will just get squashed.
    There are even times when schools/clubs will be doing some bagging as a fundraiser. I quickly step in front of the kid place a few pounds in their collection bucket and start packing myself. Children don’t know the art of bagging.
    But I hate it when I am at a smaller shop picking up a few things. While I have my head turned searching for money, the cashier has bagged everything, putting the large bottles in sideways, the butter thrown on top of the crisps and cake. Those fools.

  14. FRM

    I swear I read the last part “My dog is chewing on my penis” about three times before I realized it said “My dog is chewing on a penis”.

  15. robbie – Children are the worst.

    frm – well, I’m glad you read it more than three times then.

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