why my girlfriend thinks i’m immature

Last night Ari (my girlfriend) and I went out to a bar in the Lower East Side.  It wasn’t the kind of place that either of us like, but she was meeting some friends there and I was gonna have some drinks there until I met my friends at another bar.

When we arrived the bouncer at the door informed me that I had to pay a $15 cover.  Of course, the girls I was with did not have to pay anything.

But I get that.

Men are pretty much universally uglier to look at than women –  so there you have it – I was $15 dollars down before stepping into a bar that I didn’t even want to go to.

This did not bode well for the bar.

Once inside, my god, I had never seen so many guys wearing striped button-down shirts and women wearing Forever 21 outfits in my life.  It was disturbing.

This made me even more angry.

Then, when Ari and her friend checked their coats, I said that I was keeping mine because I was leaving soon anyway.

The bouncer at the coat check – yes, a bouncer at the fucking coat check – informed me that it was a mandatory coat check.  Mandatory?  What, if I keep my coat on somehow I’ll upset the sea of 21 year-old dudes wearing American Eagle?

Despite my intense anger, I gave my coat to the coat check woman.

Another $2 dollars.

I looked at the bouncer.

I was not a happy person.

Finally – after some drinks and shots were consumed –  and we made fun of some girls who had apparently forgotten that it was not okay to do little kicks while punching the air when dancing, I got the call from my friend and I left.

This was the moment I had been waiting for.

As I walked out, I noticed that the line to get in was about thirty people deep now.

Perfect.

I looked for a cab, turned to the line, and by the power vested in me by Petron, I yelled, “Don’t go!  This place sucks!  I’m telling you turn around!  It fucking sucks!  Save your striped button-downs for another night!!!”

The people and the bouncers were not amused.

I climbed into a cab and we had to drive back by the bar.  Once again, I wound down my window, hung my head out of the cab and screamed that the bar was horrible – laughing like an idiot the entire time.

As I went to meet my friend, the radio in the cab was playing “Under the Milky Way,” which is an Awesome Song, so my mood got better.

I smiled to myself and thought, “You know, I really am a pretty fun guy.”

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25 Comments

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25 responses to “why my girlfriend thinks i’m immature

  1. That place sounds terrible.

    You should also have yelled, “You’re all a bunch of phonies!” and then pulled your hunters cap to the side a little becasue it looks good on you that way.

    Sorry, sometimes I have Salinger moments.

  2. Because.

    I always do that. Stupid typing.

  3. kiala – It was terrible. I was trying to be cool and act like I was okay with being there, but I’m not good at being nice. And Salinger moments are always welcome.

    deutlich – I think you and I would be great friends. Also, every time I go to type your name I end up having to retype it like 43 times. I may be slightly dumb.

  4. poodlegoose

    sounds like a lovely time. who doesn’t want to be surrounded by awesome people like that?

    and i listened to that song… love it. man, long forgotten, it seems.

  5. wellhmmyep

    hahaha…blame it on the patron. That’s what I do I blame it on the liquor, but I wish I could’ve seen there faces when you said ‘save the buttoned shirts” for another night…

  6. Wait – guys have to pay to get in, but girls don’t?!

  7. FRM

    I guess I am the only person who couldn’t get past the Forever21 outfits comment….. I almost spit out my [enter your favorite ultra-mature ultra-sexy coffee drink here].

  8. poodlegoose – Yeah, that song is a classic. It always makes me feel nostalgic. Also makes me think of Donnie Darko.

    wellhmmyep – It is always best to blame stupid behavior on tequila.

    pink – Yeah, where do you go out that they don’t???

    frm – hahaha thanks.

  9. Everywhere! Here, either everyone pays to get in, or no one does!

  10. What is it with boyfriends and temper tantrums in unsuitable bars? You’re all hopeless!

  11. best – why thank you.

    pink – You must live in a parallel universe. Watch out for bizarro Chris – he’s a really nice guy.

    hollywood – Yes, there really is no hope for us.

  12. I caused a similar scene in front of the 420 Lounge on Amsterdam.

    Standing on the sidewalk, yelling at the people in line: “That place sucks! There is not one stoned person in that bar!”

  13. ryan – haha sounds like some false advertising by that bar.

  14. Andrea

    That’s horrible its actually hilarious.

  15. andrea – thanks. That’s the way life is most of the time.

  16. “I had never seen so many guys wearing striped button-down shirts and women wearing Forever 21 outfits in my life. It was disturbing.” – this line was so hilarious, but also so sad because I feel that way here in bmore ALL THE TIME!

  17. aaron – Yup, sadly they are all around us, threatening us with their popped collars and polo shirts.

  18. I have wanted to do that SO many times in Chicago.
    So so so many times.

    I think you just became my new hero.

  19. big time – Do it next time, it feels great.

  20. big time – Do it next time, it feels great.

  21. i think we’d have a good time on a night out….like big time fancy, i have wanted to do this so many times….

    mostly i just yell at people in the line when they cut and get close to starting a fight.

  22. erin – Maybe, if you can take me for an extended period of time. Most can’t.

  23. hahaha…kind of like a story i have…i used to be in a 2 peice acoustic rock group and “under the milky way” was a staple. we were playing it one night, (we were both slightly tipsy) and everytime we said “milkyway” some redneck who had probably never even heard of The Church, much less the song, kept screaming “Milky Way sucks, Snickers is better”. So after the song, to vent in a non-violeny way, we did Beck’s “Truck Driving Neighbors Downstairs.”

    actually, that was nothing like your story. But fuckin A’, that’s awesome song.

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