saving the youth

You know who pisses me off? Those kids on the trains who sell candy bars. If you live here you know what I’m talking about.

The door clangs open, and even above the music in your headphones you hear, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, my name is [some stupid teen name] and I’m here selling candy bars. Not for no school or basketball team, but for me, to keep myself off the streets and to make some money.”

And then, much to the fat people on the trains dismay, “Unfortunately, all I have today is M&M’s and Starburst.” Like we all just figured he’d be fully stocked with everything from Snickers to Almond Joys.

Fuck these kids.

Go get a fucking job. Go take your ass to Wendy’s and fill out an application. And try the Frosty while you’re there – they’re fucking amazing.

Don’t tell me about keeping yourself off the streets. You obviously aren’t hard up for cash, seeing how you’re rocking some new kicks and a nice, leather jacket.

Oh, and thanks for “keeping it real” with me by telling me that it’s not for a school or a basketball team.

Because you were so honest with me, I’ll give you my dollar, add some fat to my stomach and keep you fuckers in business.

I mean, can I do this?

On my way home from work today I’m gonna step on the train, pull out a bag of bic pens and announce, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chris, and I’m here selling bic pens. Not for no corporation or Office Max, but for me, to keep myself out of my office and to make some money. Unfortunately all I have today is blue ink.”

No. I can’t fucking do that.

So do me a favor candy bar selling teens, next time you feel the urge to make some cash, try applying for a job instead of setting a terrible example for kids even younger than you.

You can thank me later.

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35 Comments

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35 responses to “saving the youth

  1. As they come around you should pull out your own candy bar and ask them if they want to buy it from you.

  2. now I feel the need to go to wendy’s

  3. dutchess – hahaha good idea.

    tiff & deutlich – Yes, Frosty’s are perhaps one of the best foods on earth.

  4. Ha! This made me laugh out loud. And crave a Frosty.

  5. d

    frosties are freaking perfect. or close.

    and yes the candy seller annoy me. i’m SO skeptical that any athletics are involved.

  6. I’m really hungry now and fighting the urge to go to Wendy’s.

  7. The first kid who admitted that he wasn’t selling for a team got my respect and interest for his honesty. (He actually earned a glance up from whatever I was reading.) Every subsequent kid who did that was just a poser.

    Thanks for this post, I was having a “I really miss living in the city day” and it rather cheered me to remember that it wasn’t all good.

  8. quote: Go take your ass to Wendy’s and fill out an application. And try the Frosty while you’re there – they’re fucking amazing.

    made my day. good work, sir.

  9. “…to keep myself off the streets and to make myself some money…” HA HA HA I swear that’s about to be my new shtick. I’m gonna keep snacks in my purse, whip them out at an opportune time and tell people that I’m selling them to keep myself off the streets…CLASSIC

    Yumsers, Frosties…I think I’ll have to pick one up on my way home from work this afternoon…

  10. ontheroad – thanks, now go get yourself one!

    d – Unless you count having to run from transit police as a sport – then no, there are definetly no athletics involved.

    jamie – don’t fight it, it will always win in the end.

    noelle – Right, it worked the first time, but now it’s annoying. And no, it’s not all good, just mostly good.

    birdwatching – thanks, glad I could help.

    boogiemonsta – do it.

  11. I like to dip my fries in my frosty.

    Is that weird?

  12. Kiala – That’s the greatest thing EVER! But the fries have to be fresh with a tainch of salt.

  13. i liiiike those kids! sooo much better then the ‘i pretend i have a limp and purposefully smell bad so you will think i really DID almost die from a stroke and give me money’ at least these kids give you something back when you give them money! candy!

  14. kiala – like boogiemonsta said, many people are a fan of dipping fries in frosty’s.

    [slowly realizing I should have written a post about Frosty’s]

    margot – no way, they suck. You really think people purposely smell bad just to get some change? I don’t think so.

  15. this is only slightly worse than well dressed people who go around selling disney stickers at the airport with little notes that say “i’m deaf and need money. will you buy my stickers?”

    like…i’m sorry you are deaf. but a lot of people are deaf and they haven’t resorted to sticker sales at LAX. i’m pretty sure there are plenty of normal places of employment that hire deaf people.

  16. Unifying both of your post’s themes, the last time I went to Wendy’s, there was a deaf guy selling pens. He left a pen and a sign that said “Hey, I’m deaf, buy my shit or your children will be born without ears” (I’m paraphrasing) and I’ve never been angrier about a fast-food experience.

    And yes, I’m getting a Frosty for dinner.

  17. LMAO

    You actually know the speech off the top of your head..

    I find that funny.

    I also find it funny that I too notice the “new kicks” and all that.. and then I’ll wonder what program are they signed up for that have them selling such a limited assortment of candy.

    Alas. I don’t think it’ll never end.

  18. Word! It drives me nuts. This was my favorite lead-in, “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. My name is [whatevs] and I am selling candy bars. I don’t need a sports uniform, I don’t need to go on a school trip. I just need to earn some dollars for myself.” Yeah, me too, kid. That’s why I was on the train *going to my job*.

    Uh, you have to wander the subways to keep yourself out of trouble? Yes, a job would be a good idea. A way less annoying to me sort of idea.

  19. ashley – hahahaha – man, that made me laugh out loud. Good one.

    j-money – I’d be enraged too. “Just let me bring my heart attack in peace!”

    jemi – yeah, when you hear so many times, it kinda gets stuck in your head. Unfortunately for me.

    melissa – hahaha – you said it better than I did.

  20. omg, there are all sorts of those kids here in DC. Last summer they accosted boyfriend and I when we were eating outside. I yelled at them, because aside from the fact that what they’re doing may or may not be illegal, approaching people while having dinner outside a restaurant is downright rude. And i told them so.

    Grrr go you for keeping your bling. 🙂

  21. They are all around the Sox pre-game festivities as well. Ugh.

  22. Hey!

    Like, do you think we could be related? Because my name is Crissy and you’re name is Chris and like, that’s like messed up and stuff just like you said.

    Do you want to buy a candy bar? It’s for my grandma. She got sick from too many frosties and like she might die and stuff like that.

    Screw the teens! (well, not literally…)

  23. Can I sell you a frosty to go towards my fuck off to Mexico fund? Just a thought.

  24. wellhmmyep

    Apollo I don’t understand you. I just don’t….everytime I get to your blog the first sentence always cracks me up. You should live in chicago home of “the beggars and bums”. I have to cuss someone out at least once every other day. The kids I tend to just ignore. I think our kids are a little advanced than yours anyway. They have a photocopied sheet that has been the same for the past 3 1/2 years I have been living here. I will also say I can handle the kids more than the “blind” man who goes throughout the el hitting people with his stick asking for change…(how did he even get on the train or even be able to switch trains in motion?)

  25. poodlegoose

    Your post cracked me up. Fortunately, I don’t have trains here… so, yeah. All we have are the mothers who come to work with order sheets selling things for their children so “they” can learn the value of “earning money” and “money management”. Bullshit… all they’re learning how to do is get mommy to sell their stuff for them.

    I’ve bought so many girl scout cookies, it’s ridiculous.

  26. Wait, I just realized my comment sounded like I was telling you to fuck off. In actuality I just wanna go to Mexico. And have a frosty. There, clarified!

  27. heidi – stick it to ’em!

    dan – that sucks. Next time you see one before a game, ask him if he wants your ticket, then when he says “Yes!” Tell him, “Got to hell” and walk away. Might not address the issue, but at least you’ll get a good laugh.

    kristen – at first, I thought you were making fun of me, then I realized you weren’t. At least, I think so. And no – we don’t want to fornicate with the teens.

    meghan – I thought you were telling me to fuck off, which, given my knack for being insensitive to pretty much everyone – seemed about right. But I’m glad you weren’t. I hope you do get to Mexico. I wonder if they have Frosty’s there?

    wellhmmyep – Thanks. And yeah, photocopied sheets do seem like an evolution in the begging game.

    poodlegoose – Thanks. But be strong! Resist the Moms and their cookies! Unless they have Thin Mints – those are awesome.

  28. HAHAHA – that’s freakin awesome!!! You should try to sell unsharpened no. 2 pencils…

  29. Blue-ink pens just piss me off, man.

  30. summer – Thanks. I will consider the pencil idea.

    mickey – C’mon! Black is so dull, you need a little color on your worthless paper documents!

  31. yeah, fuck those kids! Fuck those kids in their ears, i’m with you!

  32. For the week that I was in NY, I saw those damn kids daily. They remind me of the similar kids at the gas station near my place here in LA. Those kids ALSO drive me crazy.

    P.S. Congratulations, I just added you to my reader. I love this post.

  33. best blog – I admire your attitude.

    andrea – They are everywhere. And thanks. I always told my Mom I’d be something when I grew up.

  34. I laughed! I’ve never seen these kids or heard of them before now but that must be pretty damn annoying… I’m linkylinking you!

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