smooth operator

Who doesn’t love Jeopardy?

This show is always on in my apartment. On any given night, you can find me sitting on my couch, yelling out questions, “What is bat guano!” and trying my best to know more than the people on the show.

My favorite part of Jeopardy is when Alex (I call him by his first name because we’re tight like that) interviews the contestants.

It’s like a watching a horrific car crash. You want to look away, you know it’s going to be brutal – but it’s just so enticing.

The contestants tell the worst fucking stories. Then Alex, like the Super Human Host that he is, must make something funny out of what they say. Seriously, why do these people always pick the absolute lamest thing about them to tell everyone on national television?

This one woman talked about how she had three cats, and named them all after her favorite tv shows! Oh, how interesting! I only want to punch myself in the face three times as opposed to seven!

But have no fear, Alex The Fucking Man Trebek is here to save every single person from looking like a complete loser.

I also love it when someone has the balls to risk it all on Double Jeopardy.

When people don’t risk it all, I scream at the tv in anger, “He’s weak Alex! You must punish the weak Alex!!!”

But Alex just plays it cool.

He’s seen it all before.

He smirks.

He reads the cards.

There is no doubt in my mind that Alex is totally cool off the show. He probably listens to Led Zeppelin then throws on some Jigga right after it, just to keep shit interesting. I bet you’d be out at the bar with him, he’d be charming the women with his wit, then turn to you and say, “Who is – totally gonna get laid tonight?”

You’re the man Alex. You’re the man.

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33 Comments

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33 responses to “smooth operator

  1. I always feel so bad for those people with the super lame stories, because you know that that is the coolest story that they have.

  2. I purposely change the channel during the interview parts because I find it so painful. I can’t even stand to listen to their awkward stories.

  3. Nice kicker.

    If only they didn’t have so many damn teen tournaments. Those are unwatchable.

    Trebek is the man. See, I go with last name just because it’s so awesome and full of gravity. Trebek.

  4. Oh, and you make my blogroll for using the one and only Master of Disaster, the King of Sting as your handle. Just watch out for that Russian. He’s got a mean hook.

  5. Who’s got two thumbs and a stack of index cards with all the answers in front him?

    THAT GUY.

  6. dutchess – hahaha – that’s true, I didn’t think of it that way.

    arielle – you should really try it, it’s quite entertaining.

    mickey – Hate those fucking teen tournaments. And thanks. Yeah, those russians ain’t shit without the drugs though!

    kiala – Damn! No love for Alex? Do you at least like the show? Tell me you at least like the show. Please!

  7. I only watch Jeopardy if it’s the teen high school challenge/competition whatever….because then i feel incredibly intelligent.

    otherwise, i just shout out answers that are mostly always wrong. alex is an inigma – he hasn’t aged in like 20 years.

  8. poodlegoose

    god, if he listens to zeppelin too, he’s totally my man. i haven’t had a chance to watch it lately… maybe i should make some more time for that.

  9. Oh we looooove stupid story time in our house! My mom usually leaves the room, and my dad and I make fun of the dumb things people say. The best is when it’s like Teen Jeopardy, because their stories seem to be much much worse.

  10. I would listen to a band called Trebek.

    My fave part (other than the trainwreck interviews, of course) is when there’s something even remotely foreign sounding (like spaghetti or Macarena) and he pulls out the snootiest accent possible when he pronounces the word.

    That’s gold, Trebek.

  11. sid

    we don’t have jeopardy in South Africa …

  12. That was good.

    I don’t know why the contestants choose to just dork out completely on national TV either. Could it be that they’re so geeky they don’t even realize it and think that doing stuff like model train building is cool?

    In any case, I always like to know who I’m pulling for–crazy cat lady, stamp collecting nerd, or the girl named Steve.

  13. ashley – i know! You know who else refuses to age? Pat Sajak – he’s a robot, I’m pretty sure of that.

    poodlegoose – yes, yes you should.

    lacey – sounds like a good way to bond with the family.

    j-money – yeah, it’s clear that Alex knows how to say every single word ever – even sabre.

    sid – that made me sad.

    kristen – hahaha – “girl named Steve” awesome. On a Steve related note – i wanted to name my puppy Steve, but that got voted down.

  14. tiff

    my english teacher in highschool was on Jepoardy. If I ever get on Jepoardy, that will be the story I tell. It will be so meta.

    How about that… me loving Michael Jackson, you titling your post after a MJ song. Kindreds.

  15. I think “trebek” should become a staple in our everyday terminology. For instance (if you are an Office fan, which you most certainly should be)…just like “schruting” something, you should also be able to turn it into a positive and “trebek” something.
    I’m going to use it in a sentence today.

  16. tiff

    you’ve been trebeked.

  17. tiff – good one, I’ll be sure to keep my eye out for you. And it’s “smooth criminal” not smooth operator (sade). Either way, we’re both still very cool.

    onefortheroad – yes, absolutely an office fan. Trebek shall be added to my stunning vernacular. See that – “vernacular.”

  18. why do i get the feeling you are going to be a contestant on Jeopardy so that you can tell the worst story ever?

  19. hollywood – yeah, that sounds about right.

  20. Did you see the kid who swore yesterday on Jeopardy? That was awesome. I think I lost a little love when they let people win for more than 5 days. You can’t just change the rules like that and let Ken Jennings rule the world.

  21. Marcos

    Nice. I saw an episode a few weeks back where one of the contestants was asked about his Sean Connery impression. Without skipping a beat he said,”Trebek your mothers a whore”!

    Trebek quipped,”That’s the reason I don’t like Sean Connery anymore” and moved on to the next contestant.

  22. I love when he tries to decipher the illegible answers scrawled during final jeapardy and yet manages to do it with class. Solid gold.

  23. crissyspage

    I was driving to work this morning and had a scary thought. Remember when I said in an earlier comment that maybe the Jeopardy contestants don’t know they’re geeks? Well, what if one of us went on Jeopardy and told Alex, the Chuck Norris of game show hosts, that we have a blog. Would the folks at home be slapping their foreheads and saying “oh my lord what a geek!”
    I’ve always thought of myself as a geek, but I never actually BELIEVED it before. This could be life changing for me.

    Just something to think about on a Wednesday morning…

  24. noelle – No, I missed that! Damn, I would’ve loved to see that. And you gotta let them win, otherwise it’d be stupid, “Hey, you won too many times, so you gotta go.” Ken Jennings changed the world.

    marcos – you like how I called you “Marcos?” I missed that too – that sounds awesome.

    todd – yes.

    meghan – he is one of the coolest people alive. And you know he would kick pat sajak’s ass if he wouldn’t get in trouble for it. Fuck the Wheel, that show sucks.

    kristen – yeah, having a blog no doubt hurts our “cool” level. But fuck it. I have no shame!

  25. ashley

    I honestly think that my favorite it teen jeopardy.. I always know every answer..haha. I don’t watch it very often but when I do..I can’t help but think “man, that alex is a sexy man.” 😉

  26. crissyspage

    Yeah. You’re right. Fuck it.
    I have no shame either.
    (I think I’ve made that pretty clear)
    I’ve never been cool. I never will be cool…

  27. Last night Alex (borrowing some familiarity from you, kind sir) told a contestant that she was “on the right track, just way off it, too”. *snort*

  28. I tried out for College Jeopardy! back in the day. I did fine on the trivia and question-answering, but then I psyched myself out when we had to practice introducing ourselves because I couldn’t come up with any interesting stories about myself. Ever since then, I’ve actually paid attention to the introduction stories and realized that my stories would have to be pretty awful to be any worse than the people they put on the show.

    Missed my chance! Now I have to audition in the far bigger Grown Up pool! Haven’t made it past the online test yet.

  29. Oh, yes, of course I LOVE Jeopardy.

    But Dane and I always get into a fight when we watch it because he is a dirty dirty cheater and won’t answer in the form of a question and this is so wrong on so many levels.

    But I still love it.

  30. ashley – yes, alex is a sexy man. In a completely non-gay way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    kristen – that’s the spirit.

    melissa – gotta love him!

    srah – that’s so cool! If you make it will you please plug my blog? Or yours. Either way.

    kiala – Ari does that too! We live with evil, evil people.

  31. Sarah

    Why is it that “guano” is such a popular word in Jeopardy and crossword puzzles? That and “tsi tsi”.

  32. sarah – That’s a good point, I have no idea though.

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