Monthly Archives: March 2008

extinguish the torch

I’ve been hearing a lot about the protests in China over the Olympics, and it made me start thinking.

Not about those protests or the human rights violations that China just adores, because I tend not to think about Things That Matter.

No, I started thinking about how much I hate the Olympics.

Seriously.  The Olympics are fucking weak.

They have all these amateur athletes competing in all these weird ass “sports.”

You know what amateur athletes are?  Athletes who aren’t good enough to be professionals – that’s what.  Oh, please let me watch a bunch of athletes who may or may not be as athletic as the bodega owner compete in sports no one could give a shit about.

Let’s review a couple of these “sports.”

Canoeing is one.  Fucking canoeing.  It’s two dudes in a boat.  And they’re not even drinking!  Who gets in a boat without any alcohol???  No one fun that’s for sure.

Then there’s Racewalking.  You read that right.  It’s walking – but really fast!  Wow!  They really wanted to draw the crowds with this one huh?  So what did they do, raid all the malls in America for competitors?  “Did you see the way that elderly woman whizzed by JC Penney’s???  Get her to China!”

And what’s the deal with Gold, Silver and Bronze winners?  Hey Olympics fuckers – here’s a newsflash for you:  If you didn’t actually win – that means you lost!  No one cares if you get second place!  You lost!  You want to see something pathetic – try watching someone show off a Silver medal to someone.  It’s fucking embarrassing.  “Oh, you almost won at the Olympics?  That’s really good.  That’s just very, nice.”

The Olympics are terrible and they just need to stop.

Maybe back in the day they were cool, when you could feed the losing athletes to lions or Something Interesting like that, but not anymore.

Now they are just worthless, and it pisses me off.

I’m going to Racewalk off this anger.

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white people like dog shit

Two posts in one day? I know. But I thought you might enjoy this little exchange I just had with a woman while I was walking Jack.

[Approaching two thirty-something black women standing on a corner]

Woman: [With attitude] “Are you curbing your dog sir?”

Me: [With more attitude] “Uh, yes. I always do.”

Woman: “Well, I hope so, because there are a lot of people who don’t and it’s disgusting.”

[I’m walking away]

Me: “Yeah, well, whatever, I always do, so I don’t know what to tell you.”

Woman: [Now yelling] “Well we didn’t have this problem before you white people moved here!”

[I stop walking. I turn around to her.]

Me: [Yelling now too] “Oh! It’s because I’m white! I let my dog shit everywhere because I’m white – of course!”

Woman: “Uh-huh, that’s right!”

Me: “So let me get this straight: White people do it, but black people don’t. That’s how it goes?”

Woman: “Yes, I’m not prejudiced that’s just a fact!”

[People are now stopping and staring at us, which is something worth noting, because it takes a lot for people to stop and stare here]

Me: “Oh yes, of course! Well, I’m just glad that there are people like you around to keep things straight!”

[I start walking again]

Woman: “Yeah, you white people are terrible. You, the Jews, the fags, the lesbians and the spanish people are…”

Me: [Cutting her off] “Oh that’s right, I forgot about them! They suck too!”

[I walk away with Jack. He seems confused, so I give him a treat for not being white]

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in summary

Man Weekend did not pan out exactly as I thought it would.

I know – you’re shocked.

Instead of roaming the apartment like a wild boar, here’s a small look into what I did do.

  • In an effort to further distance myself from Real People and further entrench myself among Internet People, I signed up for Twitter. I have absolutely no idea how to work it, so anyone that can help, please email me. I do know that I must have more people “following” me than those that I am “following.” This will make me seem more popular. So if you too have Twitter, twat me at bksurviving. I’ve always wanted to type “twat,” and now I have. Twice. I should note that I signed up for Twitter while drinking, which as we all know, usually leads to Making Good Decisions.
  • I went to the Diesel store in Union Square. I did this because 1) I enjoy spending an obscene amount of money on clothes and 2) My favorite pair of jeans is no longer made by Diesel, so I wanted to ask someone there what style it was so I could find them online. The latter involved me having to do a little twirl for a male employee there. He needed to see the back pockets. I wasn’t comfortable with this, but I will do anything to wear Cool Clothes. I also gave him my number. He said he’ll call.
  • I drank a ton last night. Way too much. The drinking started as it usually does – alone, with thoughts of despair. Kidding! I was alone though. Well, Jack was with me, but he wasn’t in the partying mood. I went out, made fun of the typical amount of people and then over-tipped a cabbie on the way home. Of course.

Now, because of My love For Alcohol, my brain is not happy with me.

I don’t think I’m going to make it.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to die.

If anybody wants my Playstation, just let Ari know.

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man weekend

Ari is going out of town for the weekend, which means that I get to act like the animal I was truly meant to be.

These are moments that make men feel truly alive!

The dishes will not get done right after every meal – they will sit and collect mold until ten minutes before Ari gets home!

Clothing???

Hah! Men were not meant to wear clothing! I will roam the apartment in nothing but my boxers from sun up to sun down.

The TV shall be tuned to these channels: ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNNEWS and CBS (for March Madness) and there will be no changing it from them! Except for porn.

I will not wipe the crumbs off of the table after consuming whatever wild beast happens to perish at my hands! This may or may not be pasta, but that pasta will not know what hit it when I come looking for it!

The toilet seat will remain up, because men do not need the toilet seat down! Unless we are reading, which happens to be a lot.

I will laugh heartily at my shower this weekend! It will not be seeing the likes of me anytime soon. Save your cleansers for another poor sap!

Beer will be drank and the cans (not bottles you fools!) will be tossed at will!

When I am out, I will not fear the “That’s enough Chris” statement! I will make fun of people until I pass out!

The music that will be played will be gully as gully can be!

Yes, this weekend Jack and I – the Men Of The Apartment – will rule the land with an iron fist. He will bark at Inappropriate Times, I will cheer him and we will be the men we were meant to be!

Until Sunday night.

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here comes the groom

As a man in a Long Term Relationship, I realize that there will come a day – a day that has not been set yet – that I must get married.

And I’m fine with this.

Really, any dude in a Long Term Relationship is already married, we just don’t have the paperwork yet.

The thing that I’m not fine with, is having to wear a ring.

I don’t want a ring.  Why?  Oh, I don’t know – maybe because I’m not a woman or in an Emo band, so I don’t wear jewelry.

Why should I start wearing some once I get married?

I see the looks on newly wifed-up dudes, they’re not happy with having to wear a ring.

Me: [Looking at the ring] “So, what, you gotta wear that thing like all the time right?”

Wifed-up Dude: [Looks down at the ring, then at the floor] “Uh, yeah.”

[Silence]

[My brain is thinking]

Me: [With a confused expression] “Even when..”

Wifed-up Dude: [Cutting me off, still looking at the floor] “All the time man.  All the time.”

Me: [Still confused] “Well.  That just doesn’t seem right to me.”

[Wifed-up Dude looks up at me, shrugs his shoulders, and accepts defeat]

Of course me being Resourceful and Full Of Solutions, I know what to do about this – I’ll have a card.

It’s perfect right?

It’ll be a card that has all my vital information on it, my name, address and a photo of myself.  Then in bold print it’ll state at the top “This Man Is Married.  Please Report Any Funny Business.”  Of course the number to report Incidents to will be Ari’s.

Also, the card will be laminated, because we all know that things that are laminated are Very Important.

This is what I want – a simple card to carry in my money clip saying that I’m married – not a ring.

I’ve suggested this idea to Ari multiple times, but for some reason, she is Not Receptive and tends to give me the “you’ve said something stupid again” look whenever I bring it up.

But I haven’t given up on it, because I think this is a Good Idea, and I never give up on those.

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incorrect

My thoughts while on the train home from work last night went something like this:

“Man, I don’t know how it happened, but somehow Boyz II Men let “End of the Road” become their defining song, when “Motown Philly” is way better – and really, it’s one of the most underrated songs of all time.”

“Wait a sec, what the fuck is that???”

“That” was this.

fucking wrong

Look at the size of that fucking bag on her hip.

Now, I know that North Face has somehow become ultra cool here, but this is taking it a step too far.

Last I checked there weren’t any mountain ranges here, so maybe you should take off the fucking gear before you knock someone out with that thing.

What can you possibly have in there?

I mean, I saw the knock-off Gucci’s you got from Canal Street poking out of there. And look, everyone knows they’re fake, so congrats on owning a pair of sunglasses that I can find at Duane Reade.

And if you don’t mind, can I just jump in there? My feet are kinda tired and I’d love the lift home. It’ll be fun! It’ll be like I’m in a sidecar on a motorcycle, only I’m sure sidecars don’t have tampons and lipstick in them. Though maybe they do.

Also, I know shit from North Face is mad overpriced, so you definitely paid too much for it. I imagine it must’ve been a tough decision: “Let’s see, this bag is fucking huge, totally unnecessary, and costs over $200… I’ll take it!”

But I haven’t even brought up the worst part yet, which makes me think that maybe you made A Mistake.

In fact, I know you made A Mistake – because no matter how much it cost and no matter what brand name is on it, you’re still rocking a fanny-pack.

fucking wrong in ‘93

Oops.

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right side down

I’m going to go ahead and put this out there, even though I know some of you will no doubt make me sad by disagreeing with me, but Seinfeld was and still is the best TV show ever created.

Hands down.

No contest.

Well, I was watching a rerun last night, and it turned out to be my favorite episode – Bizarro Jerry. For those of you who don’t know every single Seinfeld by heart (losers) it’s the one where Elaine befriends the exact opposite – the Bizarro – of Jerry, George and Kramer. It’s also the episode featuring Man Hands.

Being that I am A Thinker – and maybe because I wasn’t drunk for the first time in three nights – I started wondering, what would Bizarro Chris be like?

He’d certainly be successful.

I’m sure he’d also enjoy Meeting New People and would express a genuine interest in what they had to say.

I bet he wouldn’t think roller coasters were a sure way to prematurely end his life in a giant ball of flame and metal.

He’d probably have a cat, not a dog that eats tennis balls instead of fetching them.

Bizarro Chris would also hold back from saying things like, “You’ve got issues” to a woman whom he has just met, that was complaining about eating too much.

I’m sure he’d even be an optimist, and not make a habit of expressing the darkest consequences of every single action – including mismatched socks.

The more I think about it, Bizarro Chris is probably a much more enjoyable version of me.

But really – who wants another Nice Person in the world?

There’s enough of those out there already.

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