Monthly Archives: March 2008

extinguish the torch

I’ve been hearing a lot about the protests in China over the Olympics, and it made me start thinking.

Not about those protests or the human rights violations that China just adores, because I tend not to think about Things That Matter.

No, I started thinking about how much I hate the Olympics.

Seriously.  The Olympics are fucking weak.

They have all these amateur athletes competing in all these weird ass “sports.”

You know what amateur athletes are?  Athletes who aren’t good enough to be professionals – that’s what.  Oh, please let me watch a bunch of athletes who may or may not be as athletic as the bodega owner compete in sports no one could give a shit about.

Let’s review a couple of these “sports.”

Canoeing is one.  Fucking canoeing.  It’s two dudes in a boat.  And they’re not even drinking!  Who gets in a boat without any alcohol???  No one fun that’s for sure.

Then there’s Racewalking.  You read that right.  It’s walking – but really fast!  Wow!  They really wanted to draw the crowds with this one huh?  So what did they do, raid all the malls in America for competitors?  “Did you see the way that elderly woman whizzed by JC Penney’s???  Get her to China!”

And what’s the deal with Gold, Silver and Bronze winners?  Hey Olympics fuckers – here’s a newsflash for you:  If you didn’t actually win – that means you lost!  No one cares if you get second place!  You lost!  You want to see something pathetic – try watching someone show off a Silver medal to someone.  It’s fucking embarrassing.  “Oh, you almost won at the Olympics?  That’s really good.  That’s just very, nice.”

The Olympics are terrible and they just need to stop.

Maybe back in the day they were cool, when you could feed the losing athletes to lions or Something Interesting like that, but not anymore.

Now they are just worthless, and it pisses me off.

I’m going to Racewalk off this anger.


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white people like dog shit

Two posts in one day? I know. But I thought you might enjoy this little exchange I just had with a woman while I was walking Jack.

[Approaching two thirty-something black women standing on a corner]

Woman: [With attitude] “Are you curbing your dog sir?”

Me: [With more attitude] “Uh, yes. I always do.”

Woman: “Well, I hope so, because there are a lot of people who don’t and it’s disgusting.”

[I’m walking away]

Me: “Yeah, well, whatever, I always do, so I don’t know what to tell you.”

Woman: [Now yelling] “Well we didn’t have this problem before you white people moved here!”

[I stop walking. I turn around to her.]

Me: [Yelling now too] “Oh! It’s because I’m white! I let my dog shit everywhere because I’m white – of course!”

Woman: “Uh-huh, that’s right!”

Me: “So let me get this straight: White people do it, but black people don’t. That’s how it goes?”

Woman: “Yes, I’m not prejudiced that’s just a fact!”

[People are now stopping and staring at us, which is something worth noting, because it takes a lot for people to stop and stare here]

Me: “Oh yes, of course! Well, I’m just glad that there are people like you around to keep things straight!”

[I start walking again]

Woman: “Yeah, you white people are terrible. You, the Jews, the fags, the lesbians and the spanish people are…”

Me: [Cutting her off] “Oh that’s right, I forgot about them! They suck too!”

[I walk away with Jack. He seems confused, so I give him a treat for not being white]


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in summary

Man Weekend did not pan out exactly as I thought it would.

I know – you’re shocked.

Instead of roaming the apartment like a wild boar, here’s a small look into what I did do.

  • In an effort to further distance myself from Real People and further entrench myself among Internet People, I signed up for Twitter. I have absolutely no idea how to work it, so anyone that can help, please email me. I do know that I must have more people “following” me than those that I am “following.” This will make me seem more popular. So if you too have Twitter, twat me at bksurviving. I’ve always wanted to type “twat,” and now I have. Twice. I should note that I signed up for Twitter while drinking, which as we all know, usually leads to Making Good Decisions.
  • I went to the Diesel store in Union Square. I did this because 1) I enjoy spending an obscene amount of money on clothes and 2) My favorite pair of jeans is no longer made by Diesel, so I wanted to ask someone there what style it was so I could find them online. The latter involved me having to do a little twirl for a male employee there. He needed to see the back pockets. I wasn’t comfortable with this, but I will do anything to wear Cool Clothes. I also gave him my number. He said he’ll call.
  • I drank a ton last night. Way too much. The drinking started as it usually does – alone, with thoughts of despair. Kidding! I was alone though. Well, Jack was with me, but he wasn’t in the partying mood. I went out, made fun of the typical amount of people and then over-tipped a cabbie on the way home. Of course.

Now, because of My love For Alcohol, my brain is not happy with me.

I don’t think I’m going to make it.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to die.

If anybody wants my Playstation, just let Ari know.


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man weekend

Ari is going out of town for the weekend, which means that I get to act like the animal I was truly meant to be.

These are moments that make men feel truly alive!

The dishes will not get done right after every meal – they will sit and collect mold until ten minutes before Ari gets home!


Hah! Men were not meant to wear clothing! I will roam the apartment in nothing but my boxers from sun up to sun down.

The TV shall be tuned to these channels: ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNNEWS and CBS (for March Madness) and there will be no changing it from them! Except for porn.

I will not wipe the crumbs off of the table after consuming whatever wild beast happens to perish at my hands! This may or may not be pasta, but that pasta will not know what hit it when I come looking for it!

The toilet seat will remain up, because men do not need the toilet seat down! Unless we are reading, which happens to be a lot.

I will laugh heartily at my shower this weekend! It will not be seeing the likes of me anytime soon. Save your cleansers for another poor sap!

Beer will be drank and the cans (not bottles you fools!) will be tossed at will!

When I am out, I will not fear the “That’s enough Chris” statement! I will make fun of people until I pass out!

The music that will be played will be gully as gully can be!

Yes, this weekend Jack and I – the Men Of The Apartment – will rule the land with an iron fist. He will bark at Inappropriate Times, I will cheer him and we will be the men we were meant to be!

Until Sunday night.


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here comes the groom

As a man in a Long Term Relationship, I realize that there will come a day – a day that has not been set yet – that I must get married.

And I’m fine with this.

Really, any dude in a Long Term Relationship is already married, we just don’t have the paperwork yet.

The thing that I’m not fine with, is having to wear a ring.

I don’t want a ring.  Why?  Oh, I don’t know – maybe because I’m not a woman or in an Emo band, so I don’t wear jewelry.

Why should I start wearing some once I get married?

I see the looks on newly wifed-up dudes, they’re not happy with having to wear a ring.

Me: [Looking at the ring] “So, what, you gotta wear that thing like all the time right?”

Wifed-up Dude: [Looks down at the ring, then at the floor] “Uh, yeah.”


[My brain is thinking]

Me: [With a confused expression] “Even when..”

Wifed-up Dude: [Cutting me off, still looking at the floor] “All the time man.  All the time.”

Me: [Still confused] “Well.  That just doesn’t seem right to me.”

[Wifed-up Dude looks up at me, shrugs his shoulders, and accepts defeat]

Of course me being Resourceful and Full Of Solutions, I know what to do about this – I’ll have a card.

It’s perfect right?

It’ll be a card that has all my vital information on it, my name, address and a photo of myself.  Then in bold print it’ll state at the top “This Man Is Married.  Please Report Any Funny Business.”  Of course the number to report Incidents to will be Ari’s.

Also, the card will be laminated, because we all know that things that are laminated are Very Important.

This is what I want – a simple card to carry in my money clip saying that I’m married – not a ring.

I’ve suggested this idea to Ari multiple times, but for some reason, she is Not Receptive and tends to give me the “you’ve said something stupid again” look whenever I bring it up.

But I haven’t given up on it, because I think this is a Good Idea, and I never give up on those.


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My thoughts while on the train home from work last night went something like this:

“Man, I don’t know how it happened, but somehow Boyz II Men let “End of the Road” become their defining song, when “Motown Philly” is way better – and really, it’s one of the most underrated songs of all time.”

“Wait a sec, what the fuck is that???”

“That” was this.

fucking wrong

Look at the size of that fucking bag on her hip.

Now, I know that North Face has somehow become ultra cool here, but this is taking it a step too far.

Last I checked there weren’t any mountain ranges here, so maybe you should take off the fucking gear before you knock someone out with that thing.

What can you possibly have in there?

I mean, I saw the knock-off Gucci’s you got from Canal Street poking out of there. And look, everyone knows they’re fake, so congrats on owning a pair of sunglasses that I can find at Duane Reade.

And if you don’t mind, can I just jump in there? My feet are kinda tired and I’d love the lift home. It’ll be fun! It’ll be like I’m in a sidecar on a motorcycle, only I’m sure sidecars don’t have tampons and lipstick in them. Though maybe they do.

Also, I know shit from North Face is mad overpriced, so you definitely paid too much for it. I imagine it must’ve been a tough decision: “Let’s see, this bag is fucking huge, totally unnecessary, and costs over $200… I’ll take it!”

But I haven’t even brought up the worst part yet, which makes me think that maybe you made A Mistake.

In fact, I know you made A Mistake – because no matter how much it cost and no matter what brand name is on it, you’re still rocking a fanny-pack.

fucking wrong in ‘93



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right side down

I’m going to go ahead and put this out there, even though I know some of you will no doubt make me sad by disagreeing with me, but Seinfeld was and still is the best TV show ever created.

Hands down.

No contest.

Well, I was watching a rerun last night, and it turned out to be my favorite episode – Bizarro Jerry. For those of you who don’t know every single Seinfeld by heart (losers) it’s the one where Elaine befriends the exact opposite – the Bizarro – of Jerry, George and Kramer. It’s also the episode featuring Man Hands.

Being that I am A Thinker – and maybe because I wasn’t drunk for the first time in three nights – I started wondering, what would Bizarro Chris be like?

He’d certainly be successful.

I’m sure he’d also enjoy Meeting New People and would express a genuine interest in what they had to say.

I bet he wouldn’t think roller coasters were a sure way to prematurely end his life in a giant ball of flame and metal.

He’d probably have a cat, not a dog that eats tennis balls instead of fetching them.

Bizarro Chris would also hold back from saying things like, “You’ve got issues” to a woman whom he has just met, that was complaining about eating too much.

I’m sure he’d even be an optimist, and not make a habit of expressing the darkest consequences of every single action – including mismatched socks.

The more I think about it, Bizarro Chris is probably a much more enjoyable version of me.

But really – who wants another Nice Person in the world?

There’s enough of those out there already.


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making it

The deal: I’m gonna be live blogging my day at jury duty. Fun!

8:35 – Problems. First – the room I’m in doesn’t have any outlets, and Ari’s laptop dies without being plugged in the entire time you’re using it. Second – “Juror Orientation Video” is showing on the one TV in here. I’m willing to bet this will not be an entertaining video. Also, seeing as how I’m in a huge fucking room, there was absolutely no reason for this woman to sit right behind me. I’m going to call her FAT, even though she’s not, in hopes that she’s reading over my shoulder.

9:00 – Ed Bradley is hosting the video. Isn’t he dead? I think he’s dead. Also, I feel like I’m in 7th grade, watching one of those videos in biology class that no one pays attention to. I wonder if anyone will pass notes with me? I heard that Jimmy likes Kathy. Really!

9:32 – The video is over. Thank god. No one has come in here and said a word to us yet. It’s been almost an hour. Now that the video has ended, everyone is getting restless. I think the guy in front of me is even eyeing the Fritos in the vending machine. I swear I will slit his throat to get them before he does come lunch time.

10:00 – A Person Of Authority has just given us a bunch of instructions on what’s going to happen. She then gave anyone who thought they could get out of jury duty, the chance to plead their case. As you can imagine, there was a stampede of people. Including those that were lining up to say they didn’t understand English, even though the instructions were given – in English.

10:28 – And now we wait. We just got told that we can go to the bathroom if we sign out, but otherwise we have to sit and wait to be called in to get interviewed by the lawyers on the case. After the interview, the lawyers decide if they want us on their jury. I think when I walk into the interview room, I’ll point at the first person I see and yell, “Is that him?? Oh damn! He’s guilty as a motherfucker! Look at him! He’s guilty! He knows it too! I see you playa! You’re not gettin’ away with it this time!” We’ll see what the lawyers think about me then.

11:03 – Okay. It’s only eleven and I think I might kill myself. I also have an increasingly bad situation on my hands: Ari’s laptop is dying. So while I have wireless, the laptop may die before the day is over. My iPhone is no help because while it makes me look much Cooler Than Most People, I can’t edit my blog on it. There are no outlets in this entire fucking room! Not one. Well, there is one, but it’s at the front underneath the TV that played that horrible video. I don’t think I want to be on display for everyone in here, so I’m gonna have to try and figure something out. Or maybe I could just sit up front, plug in the laptop, and declare to the room of angry people, “I’m live blogging this, so anyone really ugly or otherwise kinda interesting, please step forward so I can see you and then make fun of you.”

11:09 – That fucker got the only bag of Fritos. Also, someone is eating tuna. Perfect. Please stink up the entire room with your food. Thank you for making me hate humanity.

11:44 – They just picked the first batch of people to get interviewed. I wasn’t picked. I wonder what made them pick certain people? I bet I didn’t get picked because there’s an apostrophe in my last name. People hate my apostrophe. They always leave it out of things with my name on it, and I hate it. The apostrophe is part of my fucking name! Leaving it out is like spelling Smith – “Mith.” It’s not correct! Whenever I tell people how to spell my last name, I always stress the apostrophe part. “O, APOSTROPHE, S…” When they look up at me in astonishment for doing this, I grin and say, “Oh good, you got the apostrophe. I’m Irish.”

12:22 – The room is beginning to resemble a battlefield after a war. There are the brutally injured, but somehow still alive (me), and there are the dead bodies (several people who are snoring). Surveying the scene, you can see the looks of utter desperation in people’s eyes. And I swear the Hasidic guy in front of me is whispering prayers that have to do with bringing the swift hand of death down upon him. Or maybe he just wants a snack.

1:50 – Just got back from lunch. They excused me and some other people early to go, which doesn’t seem like a good sign. Ari said that the people who don’t get picked right away end up just having to come back and wait longer to get picked – so my plan was to try and get chosen early. When the Person Of Authority comes back, I plan on smiling at her really, really big. Hopefully this will convince her to pick me to get interviewed. Though it might just get me a date with a woman in her mid-forties whose idea of dressing up is tucking in her sweater. I think Ari will be cool with that.

2:11 – Ever notice how whenever you’re in one of these types of situations, there’s always some dude who thinks he has the inside scoop on the process? There’s a guy two rows in front of me whispering to a woman about how he “knows what’s going to happen.” No you don’t you fucking asshole. You’re just like the rest of us – completely in the dark until someone clues us in on everything. You’re not special you stupid fucking idiot. If you were, then you wouldn’t even be here right now. I think I might punch this guy in the forehead.

2:39 – All these people who work here keep filtering in and out of the room. They just saunter in, not a care in the world, and then saunter right back out. It must be nice not to hate life right now. And yes, those people were sauntering – something that I’m pretty sure only People Who Suck can do.

3:04 – Oh my god!!! I’m getting let go!  Can you believe it??? I don’t have to serve and I don’t have to come back for another eight years!  Everybody now: “God bless America, home of the brave!  God guide her, and other stuff!  Onward to victory!”  I’m pretty sure that’s how that song goes.  Right?


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guilty on all charges

Tomorrow I have Jury Duty.

This has happened for two reasons that I’m sure of: One, the world hates me.  Two, because things never turn out The Way I Want Them To – I know this because despite my best attempts, I am still not Batman.

Instead of going to work and acting productive for eight hours, I am going to be forced to do A Good Thing For Society, which makes me upset because there is nothing in it for me.

There will, however, be something in it for you.

Yes, because I Care, I will be live-blogging as much of the grand event as possible tomorrow, all for your enjoyment.

I know, I know.

Please, the applause is deafening.

But it’ll be fun, I promise.

There will be no lack of content – I live in Brooklyn – there is blog content when there shouldn’t be blog content.

My only worry is that there won’t be wireless in the room.  But Ari just served jury duty and she had wireless, so hopefully I will too.

If you come here tomorrow and there isn’t a post up, know that there was A Problem, and I am somewhere in a Brooklyn courthouse banging my skull against a wall.


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When people tell me that they “like movies,” I tend to get a little angry.

For some reason, people who say this think that it makes them Unique From Other People, but it really doesn’t.

Guess what?  Everyone likes movies!

You don’t Like Movies, okay?  You know who Likes Movies?

Steven Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg Likes Movies.

Not you.

Oh, you just saw another Independent Film?  That’s good!  So you’re telling me that you just watched two hours of bullshit that you don’t understand?  That sounds really fun!

And you’ve seen 1,453 movies?  That doesn’t mean a fucking thing to me.

You and I both know that 1,302 of them sucked.

And I’m not even counting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because while a lot of people would say that sucked too, I’m not one of them.  I am counting Secret of the Ooze though.

Liking Movies is not something special.  It is not like telling people that you sky dive.  Someone who sky dives is unique.  Fucking dumb – but unique.

Next time you want to brag about Liking Movies to me, please just spare me.

Because while I’m sure some people want to hear how you “Were rather disappointed in No Country for Old Men,” I’m already thinking about what you’d look like after I punch you in the face.

Now that’s unique.


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