I don’t understand women. I never have and I never will. In fact, the older I get, the less I know.
Nothing alerts me to this fact more than when Ari asks me that ever-present question: “Am I going to be cold if I wear this?”
I don’t understand why women think men can predict whether or not someone other than themselves is going to be adversely affected by the weather.
We can barely keep ourselves functioning as Adults In Society, let alone tell you if you’re gonna be cold.
When Ari asks me this question, I immediately weigh my two options.
If I tell her that, “Yes, you’re gonna be cold,” I am looking at least another twenty minutes before I leave the apartment. This, of course, is the basic allotted time for a woman in her twenties to put on a hat.
Meanwhile, while she’s putting on this hat, I am sweating like a fat man in a crowded elevator. Why? Because naturally, I have already looked at the weather forecast, and dressed myself appropriately.
My second option is to tell her, “No, you should be fine.”
This gets me out of the apartment right away, but also has negative consequences attached to it.
Within several minutes of leaving the apartment, she will realize that she’s cold, and thus let me know of her temperature status every few minutes until we get back home.
It’s like a walking, talking, body temperature news ticker.
11:57 – “Man, I’m freezing!”
12:01 – “Boy, am I chilly!”
12:04 – “I should’ve worn that hat!”
And on and on until I want to rip the ears off of my head and throw them into the street.
I don’t even try to reason with her anymore. I don’t say, “I don’t know if you’re gonna be cold because I’m not you.”
This is a futile approach.
This line is always met with a quizzical look, and then the same original question, only in a different form.
The best way to deal with this is to determine which answer will lead to the least amount of pain for myself, and then ride it out.
Because unless something drastically changes, I am destined to never understand women.
I can only give it my best, deal with the consequences and hope that her hat matches her outfit.