90% chance of confusion

I don’t understand women. I never have and I never will. In fact, the older I get, the less I know.

Nothing alerts me to this fact more than when Ari asks me that ever-present question: “Am I going to be cold if I wear this?”

I don’t understand why women think men can predict whether or not someone other than themselves is going to be adversely affected by the weather.

We can’t.

We can barely keep ourselves functioning as Adults In Society, let alone tell you if you’re gonna be cold.

When Ari asks me this question, I immediately weigh my two options.

If I tell her that, “Yes, you’re gonna be cold,” I am looking at least another twenty minutes before I leave the apartment. This, of course, is the basic allotted time for a woman in her twenties to put on a hat.

Meanwhile, while she’s putting on this hat, I am sweating like a fat man in a crowded elevator. Why? Because naturally, I have already looked at the weather forecast, and dressed myself appropriately.

My second option is to tell her, “No, you should be fine.”

This gets me out of the apartment right away, but also has negative consequences attached to it.

Within several minutes of leaving the apartment, she will realize that she’s cold, and thus let me know of her temperature status every few minutes until we get back home.

It’s like a walking, talking, body temperature news ticker.

11:57 – “Man, I’m freezing!”

12:01 – “Boy, am I chilly!”

12:04 – “I should’ve worn that hat!”

And on and on until I want to rip the ears off of my head and throw them into the street.

I don’t even try to reason with her anymore. I don’t say, “I don’t know if you’re gonna be cold because I’m not you.”

This is a futile approach.

This line is always met with a quizzical look, and then the same original question, only in a different form.

The best way to deal with this is to determine which answer will lead to the least amount of pain for myself, and then ride it out.

Because unless something drastically changes, I am destined to never understand women.

I can only give it my best, deal with the consequences and hope that her hat matches her outfit.

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “90% chance of confusion

  1. i don't like to read

    this one you can never win old friend, sure now and again by luck you will be right and create the desired conclusion, but the cards are stacked against you, it is a multifaceted mind fuck trying to understand women.

    and yet i will continue to give it the ol’college try.

  2. It’s not that we haven’t checked the weather report or that we aren’t able to make our own decisions, it is that we want your input. We make decisions better when we get other peoples opinions and viewpoints.

  3. statistical fact: an increase in warm clothing = a decrease in attractiveness.

    for me the real question is, “will i still look sexy if i wear this winter hat?”

  4. as i woman who dates women, i can tell you that i too, do not understand women. and i am one. so that gives you a sense of how hopeless it is that you ever will.

    sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

    hang in there.

  5. crissyspage

    I do the same thing to my husband. He usually says something like “you should be fine in that” just to shut me up.
    I ignore him of course and do what I want anyway.
    You see, I ask the question to get his answer because I don’t know what my answer is yet. By asking him, I can tell whether or not I agree with him thereby making my answer reveal itself to me by way of him being wrong. Or right. Whatever I decide.
    However, if I agree with his advice, and we both turn out to be wrong, I reserve the right to be pissed at him for telling me the wrong thing.

    Does that clear things up for you?

  6. idon’tlike – Truer words have never been spoken.

    dutchess – Bah!

    andi – Well, yes I agree with that stat.

    ashley – There is no hope.

    crissy – Ok, first – what should I refer to you as? Crissy or Kristen? Second – that’s about what I thought – complete insanity.

  7. I’ll tell you, we just want to talk. If it were two women, we’d be like, “Oh, well, you could layer and but then you’d need to stash your stuff some place, but you’d be warmer.”

    And then there’d be a conversation on the pros and cons of stashing stuff. Is the floor going to be sticky? Will there be drink spillage? Is this purse cute enough that I want to carry it all night? Don’t you think Obama is super-cute?

    Or, “Well, it’s only from the car to the door, you’ll be fine.”

    And then the friend would say, should we really drive? I mean, we could cab it or bus it and then there would be a discussion on the merits of each form of transportation.

    Here’s what I would say if I were a guy hoping to get laid: Layering is always good, and I’ll gladly hold our coat, darling.

  8. I’d go with ‘well why don’t you take your hat just in case and if you get too hot, i’ll shove it in my pocket for you’

    which will score your points for being nice. Or do what my Boy does when I ask him that:

    Open the door/window, walk outside/stick arm out of the window, look thoughtful and then say either “It’s not too chilly or windy, you’ll be ok” or “It’s quite cold, i’d take your hat/coat/jumper” and suffer the consequences if you’re wrong.

  9. callmekp

    Crissy nailed it.

  10. I did this to Dane last night. I thought he was going to smack me in the mouth by the time we left our apartment.

  11. It’s the double x’s. We’re doomed from the start.

  12. I agree. There really is no hope for us… whether or not you guys understand us or not. And really, there’s no understanding insanity, so I say don’t even try.

    And usually, I opt for more layers. Better safe than complaining about it being cold. Then, if it’s too hot while I’m out, I buy something (or get the fiance to buy me something ha) and put the extra clothes in the bag to carry in my hand instead of on my arm.

  13. My sweet Lord you just hit the nail on the head when it comes to women.

  14. melissa – you’re right, women love to talk. And then they wonder why guys don’t listen to every detail. Just thinking about this makes my head hurt.

    Pink – another thing I don’t get: us men are not suitcases. We aren’t meant to carry all of the womans crap.

    Kp – seems like it.

    Kiala – I bet. Love has died over less than this.

    Deutlich – I think you’re onto something.

    Poodlegoose – good advice.

    dan – thanks man. Somehow, we continue to exist we these things trying to destroy us at every moment. How do we do it?

  15. Brilliant post! I guess I never realized how annoying that question is. I ask my husband all the time for the weather forecast and my outfit’s ability to adapt to said forecast.

    He’s now started to reply with, “why don’t you just open the door and see for yourself?”

  16. If you’re dating someone who can’t figure out their own body temperature and comfort level…you have bigger problems than jackets and layering, my friend

  17. I am cold all the freaking time. It’s all about layers, Chris’ girlfriend. Layers are your friend.

  18. Jo

    Hahaha that is so true…I am forever debating clothing options and my boyfriend is forever saying “Urgh…yeah, great, wear that. Now let’s go.”

    And if he loves it when I proclaim how cold I am, he loves it even more when I tell him I’m hungry as well.

    “I’m hungry……………..I’m hungry. Is it time to eat yet? I’m kind of hungry. ………………… Are you hungry?…………..I’m hungry.”

  19. Yeah… we do that, don’t we? Especially if it’s formal attire; sure, there may be 7 inches of snow on the ground, but I’m sure as hell going to wear my stilettos and then say that my feet are cold.

  20. mrstwink – Thanks, and he’s not gonna last long with that approach. He’ll lose his fight eventually.

    scarlett – uh, have you ever heard of a thing called sarcasm? You might want to look it up.

    jamie – I swear, that’s one of the great mysterieis of mankind – why women are always cold and men are always hot. That and why are french fries bad for you.

    jo – Thanks. Yeah, the hunger status update is right up there with this. Tell your boyfriend I feel his pain.

    carrie – Yes, you do like to torture us. But we stick around anyway. So maybe there is something to that thing about men not being that bright.

  21. sid

    it could be worse. she could ask you if she looks fat in those pants. you know there’s no right answer to that.

  22. It’s so hard to stay warm and look good at the same time, that many girls want to wear as few layers as possible. What you need to do is convince her that a hat, gloves and a scarf are the sexiest damn things you’ve ever seen, especially if they’re paired with layers of long underwear.

    Or you can just stick it out until spring comes in a month.

  23. sid – Very true.

    noelle – C’mon warm weather!

  24. I ask my boyfriend questions like these because if I independently make the wrong judgement call and am cold all night, I have no one to blame but myself. But if he backed me up, then it’s all his fault.

  25. tiff

    this is why I never ask men for fashion advice. Useless!

  26. Women:
    Can’t live with ’em.
    Can’t ask ’em to start turning tricks to bring in a little extra cash.

  27. wellhmmyep

    haha I agree with sid…that question always ties men up. oh, and hope you’re feeling better.

  28. hollywood – Yup, women hate men.

    tiff – Hey, I know fashion! Though I guess I don’t like to be asked a million questions about a pair of jeans, so you’re right.

    mickey – You are a wise man.

    wellhmmyep – Thanks. And yeah, that question is the worst.

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