this is news

The Today Show.

The motherfucking Today Show.

Everyday in the gym I’m forced to watch it while I run on the treadmill.  Could I get just one damn tv tuned to Sportscenter?  Nope.  Every single one, except for a few tuned to CNN, are showing me Matt Lauer and his Classic American Good Looks.

You know what they were talking about today?

The segment was titled, “The World’s Most Bizarre Foods.”  It included a Random White Man talking about all the different things that people eat from around the globe.

This was news journalism at its finest.

At one point, the anchor held up a scorpion and exclaimed, “Scorpions are seen as a common snack in Asia!”

Get the fuck out of town Mr. Today Show Man.

You mean to tell me that people do things differently than Americans?  Well, that is “Bizarre” isn’t it???  What are those silly Asians thinking – eating a scorpion?  Hahaha!  They sure are funny!

The Today Show is why people are dumb.

The Today Show makes people think that there are not more important things going on in the world than the way cockroaches taste.

Just as I was about punch a hole in the tv screen to get my pain to stop, The Today Show told me that Bonnie Raitt was supporting Hillary Clinton.

Seriously.

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “this is news

  1. What? You mean the Today show is not a reliable news source? I thought last week when they were on assignment at a ski resort was hard hitting journalism.

  2. idontliketoread

    I think you are wrong old friend w/o classic American television establishments like The Today Show, Dateline, The View, or local news in general I would probably have to think on my own, and would have no one to tell me who to be scared of, or what to like. w/o matt lauer’s good looks I am lost!

  3. I’ve given up on the news and media. It’s got to a point were the likes of established agencies like the BBC sometimes report like a tabloid paper (like my last blog entry about them reporting on a dog who can do tricks)

    I can only read the sports pages and FARK.com now.

  4. Dude, all that stuff on the boob-tube is totally classic and informational and superbly important.

    You know. Like the View.

    *ahem*

  5. I feel similarly about magazines like Us Weekly. No one should be profiting by making the world dumber. I would like to try an experiment where we replace the inside pages (but not the cover) of Us Weekly with the text of The Economist. Chaos will ensue, but maybe at least a few people would keep reading anyway.

  6. Ha! This cracked me up. We always watch local news at the gym, and a lot of the time, we get lucky and there’s a game on or someone’s upped and turned it to ESPN without permission. I am totally ok with that. I guess people just like to turn off their brains while they’re working out. Personally, I just like the flash of images while I’m actually listening to the 80’s music that is playing.

  7. tiff

    I hate the news.

  8. Scorpions as food is the bigger issue here. Ew. Eff the news!

  9. Wow. This is funny because I almost wrote about the Today show today too.
    I’m thinking the same thing.
    They reported very breifly in a serious journalistic tone on how the country is sliding toward a recession and the Nikkei is down, and then in the very next breath happily announced that “the latest Will Ferrell movie was #1 in the box office!” Then they went into great detail about the freaking MOVIE!!! Hi! Economy! Fucked! Can we discuss?
    There was some news I was happy to hear about though…Drinking is good for your memory because it helps you de-stress. Great news! Love that story!
    The Today Show represents all that is wrong and stupid in this world. So why do we watch it?

  10. And Sportcenter makes people what? Sportier?

    You can’t take my Natalie Morales away from me.

    Ok, I hate the Today Show too. I’m just being pissy. I mean, pithy.

  11. In Canada, we eat fries that are covered with cheese AND gravy and we call it poutine!!! How wacky are we!

    No, but seriously The Today show sucks.

  12. dutchess – Oh that fucking ski resort thing was making me sooo mad.

    idon’tliketoread – We would all be lost without matt lauer. He is a born leader.

    robbie – Sports is what keeps me alive.

    deutlich – Yes. I gotta tell you though, I miss when Rosie was on that show – she was awesome.

    arielle – Good idea.

    poodlegoose – 80’s music is always a good thing.

    tiff – I agree.

    freeandflawed – Scoprions are awesome. As a person born in November, I should know.

    kristen – Great minds think alike. Drinking is good is all I need to know for the rest of the day.

    kiala – Sports make people happy. Also, I knew you were in my corner on this one.

    meghan – Canadians must hate all those “eh” jokes right? Terrible.

  13. *snort* I like Bonnie Raitt. Do I give two shits how she lines up politically? Nope. Not a chance.

    By the way, I went to Bethel Park. The world is tiny, no?

  14. You know what the Today Show’s main demographic is? People who don’t have jobs.

  15. i have ranted many a time about The Today Show and their complete lack of credibility as a news program. It’s like 3 minutes of actual news and then it turns into segments from Oprah/Dr.Phil/Ellen and every other god damn talk show on daytime TV.

  16. Jo

    The Today Show = British GMTV.

    I have a battle every morning over who is more stupid – the presenters, or the viewers (myself excluded).

  17. ashley

    Well I guess we’re lucky the we get to pick what we want to watch at the gym. There is a tv attached to every treadmill and elliptical machine.

    Thank God for that.

  18. I can proudly boost that I have never seen a lick of The Today Show and because I just jinxed myself I will somehow be put in a situation in which I’m forced to watch.

    For me, Sportscenter would have been just as bad. I hate sports.

  19. melissa – Ha! That is crazy.

    noelle – You’re damn right.

    ashley – Good to know there are more haters in the world.

    jo – Of course excluding yourself…

    ashley – You are lucky, my girlfriend’s gym is like that too.

    kiera – “I hate sports” – nothing makes me cry inside like that sentence.

  20. arielle

    it’s true, my gym is like that. and i watch…the today show.

    in my defense, we only get a few channels, and i’ve seen other people watching fox news.

  21. Oh Noelle’s comment cuts like the set of knives I bought from the tee vee…

    [sob]

    It’s soooo trueeee.

  22. Dune

    Hey, sheltered white men telling us about those weird, freaky foods of the world is breathtaking news journalism. Who cares about Burma or Afghanistan when people are chocolate dipping insects?! :p 😉

  23. strangehappypeople

    It sucks that there’s an equal amount of people who absolutely adore The Today Show to a scary, scary degree.

    It’s one of those “news” sources that will always be around, ruining people’s day.

  24. Yah, this is sad. It’s how they blindfold us to how badly we’re being fucked with gas prices, the war and the people who “lead” this country. I gave up on these shows long ago.

    You should do what I do…switch it over to Robin Meade and just stare at her….she’s so purdy….

  25. Ari – That’s a strong argument, at least you aren’t a fucking republican.

    j-money – Hahaha – Wipe your tears, you are still a good person.

    dune – Exactly.

    strangehappypeople – It seems that way. Maybe I can learn to run with my eyes closed.

    birdwatching – Yes, she is a nice choice.

  26. i effing hate the today show.

  27. Dude, people in Asia are totally into scorpions. I hear they actually have them in vending machines and when you put in some coins, you get a thick glove and a hatch opens and you just grab out as many as you can and munch away. They also do satay flavoured ones.

    I can’t believe shit like that still makes it onto television Although it’s fair to say that The Today Show is on the fringes of the collective term ‘televison’.

    Man, I’ve missed catching up on your blog… Nice work.

  28. erin – Yes.

    jiminy – Satay? Hmm.. not bad. And thanks.

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