calling all troops

Chuck Palahniuk and I are pissed off.

He is pissed because of this new movie called “Never Back Down” that’s supposed to be about a fight club.

But it’s not really.

It’s really a chick flick disguised as a movie about a fight club.

Synopsis:  Teen heartthrob rebel moves to a new school, gets beat up by a bully, falls for the popular girl, then finds himself at the end.  How original.

That’s why Palahniuk is pissed.

I’m pissed because this has gone too far.  When fight clubs become chick flicks, the destruction of man as we know it has come full circle.

Can’t us men have something? Punching someone in the face is supposed to be manly!  I don’t want to see some pretty blue-eyed teen smiling at me when I’m thinking about violence.  I want to see faces getting smashed and cars flying off of things that don’t make sense.  Nothing else.

Pure and simple Man Things.

It’s clearly not okay to be a man anymore.  I’ve seen the magazines.  I read Men’s Health.  It’s exactly the same as Cosmo.  “Great Sex” and “How to Get The Right Girl in 8 Steps” are both articles that have appeared in Men’s Health.  I wonder where the “Kill Your Manliness in 3 Steps” article is.  Next month I’m sure.

What has become of us men?

I mean, I bought lavender shampoo on Sunday.  Lavender.

What the hell is wrong with me???  There is not one situation in life in which a man should own lavender shampoo.


So I gave it to Ari.

It’s time to take back our manliness men.  It’s time to re-watch episodes of the A-Team.  It’s time to stop shaving for a month.  It’s time to fart, look around at the disgusted faces, and proudly declare, “Yeah, you wish that was you.”

It’s time to be men once again.


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29 responses to “calling all troops

  1. In regards to the fart…um, my bad…that WAS me. hey, so is going out and getting shitfaced off of Pabst still a man thing? As soon as you let me know, I’ll stop drinking this delictable red wine…

    (totally just kidding…Pabst sucks…gimme Killians any day..)

  2. I’m laughing. You know, that kind of chuckling you try to keep to yourself because you’re in a cubicle and people keep walking by and yeah. Laughing. And I love it.

  3. Maybe you could win testosterone points knocking back a bottle of jack daniels.

    I hate it too. A man should stink, not smell like lavender. Lavender?

  4. i’m pissed about that movie too. but sort of for different reasons….i mean, i’m ok with buying lavender shampoo. i’m ok with you buying it too because i prefer my men to be so comfortable with their manness that they can purchase such a product.

  5. recently my co-workers had facial hair february. is this manliness?

  6. The other night I was coming out of the mall with a friend and these kids were having a fight. My friend said, “I can’t believe that someone would fight a girl!” I took a closer look and I told him that it was actually a dude with long hair. I don’t think that guys who look like girls should fight, either.

  7. birdwatching – No way! PBR is a classic.

    hollywood – Not bad advice.

    deutlich – Thanks. And please tell your coworkers to read my blog.

    cathy – I know. Motherfucking lavender. I’m not a good person.

    ashley – So what are your reasons?

    erin – I need your job. Please submit my blog as a resume.

    noelle – Long hair on dudes is not acceptable.

  8. idontliketoread

    this is a travisty!! first off Fight Club should not be messed with. and second dude, lavender!! you may have “given” it to Ari, but I know it’s still in the shower w/you mocking your testosteron every morning!! I wash my hair w/dirt, and start my day by letting a stray dog bite me, and having a bum sock me in the jaw!!!!

  9. Marcos

    Maybe you should worry less about what is manly or not and focus that energy into a ball. Then you should spit on that ball and shove it up your ass. That’s what real men do.

  10. Bahahaha. I think I love you. Just because of how honest you are. But seriously, you are proving the theory by whining. Come on now. That’s a woman’s thing isn’t it? 😉

  11. strangehappypeople

    I’m more offended by the fact that I’m supposed to think those boys are sexy.

  12. Jo

    I’m hiding this post from my bloke incase he starts getting ideas.

    He already calls his arms “guns”.

  13. You just broke rule #1. And #2.

    In college, I made a point to somehow mention The A-Team in a large number of the papers I turned in, none of which had anything to do with television, army special forces, or vigilante justice. I did it because I am a man.

    But dammit, I’m not giving up my organic lavender conditioner. It makes all the difference.

  14. The day I started using a “bath puff” is the day I relinquished every last ounce of masculinity.

    Hey, but at least I smell like “Springtime flowers” (this is me crying on the inside).

  15. idon’t – Hahaha – that’s about the best way to start your day I can think of.

    marcos – Hahaha – dude what the fuck?

    amanda – Thanks. And yes, maybe I should keep my mouth shut.

    strangehappy – Alright, that’s what I’m talking about.

    jo – Oh yeah. I do that too. Any dude worth anything refers to them as “guns.” Your man is officially approved.

    mickey – Hahaha – that is so fucking awesome. And step away from the lavender dude, you’ll thank me.

    dustin – I’m crying with you.

  16. OMG… I had to see this movie two weeks ago for the paper I write for. I’ll send you the link when it (the review) comes out next Thursday.

    Let’s just say, it’s kind of the worst/best movie ever.

  17. crissyspage

    You can begin your quest for manliness by wiping out your iPod and replacing Kylie Minogue with, oh hell, I don’t know, Pantera or some such manly stuff.

    Then you can worry about the shampoo.

  18. Those teen heartthrob boys make great guy friends to take shopping to buy outfits to wear in front of the guys who watch Bruce Willis movies to take notes on how to roll a car 18 times and walk away.

  19. I’m so sorry but I can’t help but laugh (at you).


    I’m glad you’re calling out for the manly men though. Girly men make me question myself. I, for one, love the unapologetic 5 o’clock shadow and the grunts. Tres sexy. Maybe .. maybe thats why I have finally jumped on the Lost bandwagon and won’t get off..

  20. I was all like, ‘Fuck yeah, let’s go men!’ but then I remembered last night my girlfriend bought me White Pear and Avocado shampoo AND conditioner.

    I say smelly goods don’t make anyone less of a man though. A lavender scented headbutt hurts just as much as an unscented headbutt.

  21. kiala – Yes! Don’t forget to send it!

    crissy – You may be right about that.

    meghan – Uh… Yes.

    jemi – Oh man, I hate Lost. It’s 2008! Someone would have found them by now. Just stop the fucking madness already.

    jiminy – You speak the truth.

  22. J

    I think the issue is that most people who work in the magazine industry are either A) Women or B) Gay

    I mean, I don’t know one straight guy who reads GQ. Dudes don’t care what other dudes have to say about shaving and fashion.

    They just want to know how to blow stuff up and load it onto YouTube.

  23. We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

  24. I love the way men smell. See what I said there? The way men smell. Not the way lavender smells. I also like being barefoot and pregnant and having strange men smack my ass and call me a whore.

    What can I say, I’m a lady.

  25. j – Yes. If you have any idea, please tell me. I haven’t blown something up in awhile.

    dan – You are very correct.

    melissa – Wait. So you like being smacked on the ass while being barefoot and pregnant? Or are those separate things that you enjoy at your leisure?

  26. In an ideal world, I’d have all three happening at once. But, as we all know, shit happens and I have to take what I can get.

  27. I saved all my money and made my dad drive me 45 minutes to Warehouse to buy the Use Your Illusions 1 & 2 , double tape set the day it came out.


    If only Britney could hit us one more time with something maybe we could have a fucked up star du jour.

  28. melissa – Your maturity impresses me.

    oakland – Oh man, when use your illusion came out, I was out of my mind excited. It was a very special day for all of us.

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