glossy side up

Most people miss things about the past.  Some people miss being in high school.  Some people miss that one summer at the beach during college.

I miss poster board.

I miss being able to present an entire idea using little more than a glue stick, a pair of scissors, and some random shit cut out of a magazine.

My life would be much easier if I could just use poster board to present my thinking during important events of my life.

Like asking for a raise.

[I walk into the boss’s office, poster board in hand]

Me: Hi, how are you today?

[Boss looks quickly at the poster board, then at me]

Boss: Good, so, it’s been a year already huh?  You’ve certainly impressed us with the stories that you’ve been able to get, so we should discuss a salary increase.

[I place the poster board on her desk]

[Boss squirms uncomfortably]

Me: [With confidence] Yes, well I think you can see all my major points are presented here on this poster board.

Boss: [Looking at the magnificent poster board] Um, well, okay.  But who is that?

Me: [pointing at the poster board] That?  Oh, that’s Brad Pitt.  He represents me for this presentation.  I tried to pick the man that most resembles myself.

[Silence]

[We both look at the poster board]

Boss: [Uncertainty clouding her voice] I have to tell you, this is quite an odd way to ask for a raise, but it appears that you put a lot of thought into it.

Me: [Smiling] Yes.  As you can see, I’ve folded it into three sections.  This also allows it to stand up on its own.

Boss: [Noting that it is, indeed, folded into three parts] You’re right, it does just stand there huh?

Me:  Yes.  And I think the cut-outs of dollar signs really drive home my point.

Boss: [Clearly impressed] You are quite the negotiator Chris!  A 50% raise should do it, don’t you think?

Me: Why yes, I think so!

[High fives are exchanged]

[I exit the boss’s office, my old friend poster board in hand, ready for whatever else may lie ahead]

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43 Comments

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43 responses to “glossy side up

  1. thats incredible. I should try that to get a 50% raise! Stupid non-profits not having any money :/

  2. Solid plan. Totally solid.

    Do you remember when flourescent poster board was introduced? I mean, every once in awhile we’d see the colored kind – red, blue, green… but the addition to highlighter-colored poster board was a revelation in my childhood. If you really wanted to get that raise I think shocking pink is the way to go. Just sayin’.

  3. idontliketoread

    no way dude a diorama would be the way to go. you could make yourself a real man like Sgt. Slaughter, ur boss could be the pink power ranger, and throw in a turtle for my representation. I prefer Leo (I know you all love Raf, but he can’t run shit like Leo!)

  4. I also miss this. But even more importantly, I miss making little landscapes in shoeboxes. You ever get assigned that in elementary school? I made a shoebox landscape of Jamestown one time and it fuckin ROCKED. Little Lego men as farmers and popcicle sticks for fences. And then to top it all of, shreds of actual corn stalks for the corn on the tiny little plantation. Sadly, that was the crux of my artistic endeavors.

  5. I dream of the day I could even fathom a 50% increase.

  6. oh flourescent posterboard!

    when my roommates and i made our, ahem, visualization boards, it brought me back to the good old days of glue stick-magazine cutout presentations.

  7. I got a 25 cent raise last time. Stupid library jerks. I’m thinking the poster board might have increased that amount by as much as 5 cents!
    Dammit! Why didn’t I think of it?

  8. I miss cutting out letters and backing pictures with construction paper and glue sticks and last minute presentations. I was the best at last minute poster board presentations.

    You have made quite a solid scenario. Who could say no to Brad Pitt? And high fives afterward? I say, Go for it! 😉

  9. I am thinking of how much this strategy would improve my love life….I could walk into a bar with a poster board around my neck explaining everything about me and what I’m looking for…

    Genius, really.

  10. ashley

    Well I think the equivalent of the poster board these days would have to be power point.

    Man oh man. I’m not sure which one is worse. 🙂

  11. Poster boards are good times…they make me happy.

    I had to take diversity training a year or two ago and we got to make fun presentations and cut out pictures from magazines. I swear that was the best day EVER…oh how I miss diversity training :’o(

  12. this actually made me laugh at my desk….making me look like an a-hole.

    i think using posterboard in any major life event is genius.

  13. I am so happy I was told to read this post today. Fabulous.

  14. I am totally going to use posterboard to pitch stories and articles to magazines. It may cost a little more postage-wise, but the impact should be tremendous.

    Wait, is that how you spell posterboard?

    Posterbored.

    Huh.

  15. heidi – I hear you – I used to do the same thing. You are a better person than me.

    melissa – You know I always hated florescent ones. I thought the girls (it was usually girls who used them, except michael dolan, he used them) who used those were showing off. But, shocking pink will be the next used. Perhaps for telling my Mom I hate her. Kidding!

    idon’t – You’re right. Although i think I’d be Snake Eyes. He was awesome.

    birdwatching – Wow man, you blew my artistic pinnacle away. Mine was making a fort out of couch cushions. Terrible.

    deutlich – You and me both. Perhaps we can make our poster board presentation together – you know – power in numbers! And we can tell them we write blogs! They won’t stand a chance.

    erin – Those were good days.

    kristen – Because not all people are as brilliant as me.

    poodlegoose – I would never say no to Brad Pitt. For anything. Really.

    mindy – Hahaha – do it!

    ashley – Oh by far Power Point.

    boogiemonsta – I’m all about making people happy.

    ashley – Thanks! I mean, sorry about looking like an asshole, but thanks for the compliment.

    molly – Wow, that’s nice of you to say/write. Please read more. Everyday. All the time. Even when you’re brushing your teeth. You can take a break while you’re peeing, because, well that’s just weird.

    kiala – Okay, but when you get famous, you must pay for my vacation to Omaha.

  16. well if it gets you a 50% raise, I say why not try it!

    Would the poster board work for breaking up with someone too?

  17. Using poster board to break up with someone would be absolutely hi-larious!

  18. I miss the way markers squeeked across poster board.

  19. I would like to do this to sort out my mind problems. That’s a good idea!

  20. I will even pay for business class to Omaha.

    Fancy

  21. callmekp

    Reading this post, I kept thinking of “Love Actually” and how while the poster boards were not enough to woo Ms. INeedACheeseBurger Knightley, they certainly have raised the bar for dudes worldwide. Simplicity in romance. Glorious.

    Take notes.

    You’re right on about this forgotten medium. Bring it back.

  22. haha…
    I had the discussion with a friend just the other day about how much better life was when all you had to worry about was making a poster board- When the hardest thing you had to do was make sure the glue didn’t soak into the card and make it stain. Also to make sure the handwritten heading was spaced evenly.

    I’m thinking of throwing out my CV and just taking a bit of cardboard around with me.

    Awesome post though… You crack me up.

  23. arielle

    Everyone in this little room thinks I’m weird because I’m laughing and, well, there’s nothing funny about jury duty. I’m with jp, though, go with a diarama. My mom still has one I made with a tee pee in it.

    And why not Bruce Willis?

  24. tiff – Oh yes. Best to not make it too fancy though, then they’ll never leave you be.

    boogiemonsta – Yup.

    hollywood – I liked how they made the poster board stand out, you know, you could use red for Something Really Important.

    pinkjelly – I think that sounds good.

    kiala – You’ll spoil me!

    kp – I’m trying my best.

    jiminy – You’re the London version of me. And thanks.

    ari – I thought I’d go for the gold, and notice that not one person has disagreed! It is official. I am Brad Pitt. Minus the wife with a flat ass.

  25. As an adult, you might get even more points if you use foam core.

  26. Kate

    Posterboard memories…

    I once won a science fair with my project on Ancient Egypt…that poster board was freaking fantastic, my best friend and I managed to get all our ten year old rage out by mummifying our barbie dolls and we won a gift certificate to somewhere (sadly I can’t remember where).

    I’ve oftened wished (expecially throughout the university years) that projects could be as simple as poster boards…

  27. Wow, you totally made me remember a few years in grade school when the cool thing to do (at least among me and my friends…) was to make giant birthday cards with posterboard for your friends, and you would write out some dumb thing that included as many candy names in it as you could, and instead of writting the candy’s name, you would glue the candy bar to the giant card, so you got a giant posterboard birthday card with tons of cany attached. It was so cool.
    Anyone else rember doing that?
    No? hmmmm….
    Well, It really was cool. Really.

  28. Let’s take it a step further and say that office hierarchies are determined by who has the best science fair project.

    Screw all that accounts payable shit or whatever people do all day… can you explain photosynthesis using construction paper and a lightbulb? No? Enjoy your severance package.

    Also… getting stories? I wanna know what you dooooo!

  29. You inspire me, Poster Board boy.

    Just think. It wouldn’t end in the office with raises. It would ultimately impact the world. It would be your unstoppable super power.

    I can see the headlines now.

    “Poster Board Boy Uses Tri-Fold Poster Presentation To Negotiate Peace Treaty Between Nations”

    🙂 I like your style, homeslice.

  30. Mk that does it. I officially love your blog. I literally lol’d.

    Anyways, poster board kicks ass. The last time I used it was a few weeks ago to make a huge poster for work. I think my company was expecting something formal but I got neon pink and drew cookies and money on it.

  31. noelle – Duly noted.

    kate – Mummifying your Barbies? Now that sounds fun.

    sassy – That sounds pretty cool to me!

    j-money – Brilliant idea. And I write about ad campaigns, it’s not especially exciting. Just yesterday I wrote about K-Swiss’ new one. Stop the presses!

    candace – I do believe that’s the first time anyone has called me “homeslice.” Please do it more often.

    amanda – Thanks! If they weren’t impressed with a poster board with cookies on it, they can got to hell!

  32. If only life were that easy……..

  33. You know what? We’d be a power team with our poster board and outlandishly good looks. Those motherfuckers wouldn’t know what hit ’em.

  34. It would be awesome if that really worked. The next time I want a raise, I’m going to ask using a deck of cards, a napkin, a nickel and a glass of water.

  35. Sadly, poster board and I never really got along.

    I’d always overglue and everything’d get wrinkly and letters would fall off or I’d leave the board in the sun and it’d get discolored…

    Needless to say, all my presentations turned out to be quite pathetic.

  36. Sweet sweet poster board of my dreams. Foam Core of my fantasies.

    I found you on M. Lion’s blog and I think I love you.

  37. kiera – It can be! Just follow my easy steps to a carefree life: 1) Be cynical 2) Be unfriendly 3) Blog about it.

    deutlich – You know it. We’d probably end up owning the places by the time we were done.

    haha – That’s right – motherfucking MacGyver their asses.

    mineurosis – Never give up man. The power is within you, you just need to find it.

    oakland – Wow. Now that’s a comment!

  38. Ann

    There was a local novelty store that actually sold them pre folded. Imagine that. These were a staple at science fairs.

    P.S– John Mayer could look like a truck hit him, but it’s his music that makes me swoon. *wink*. The curly hair doesn’t help either. I wonder if I should send him a posterboard presenting the idea that I’m the mother of his children and he doesn’t know it yet. He’s geeky enough to appreciate it.

  39. Plain Jane

    First time I’ve laughed out loud all day. Except when I realized that my dog only growls and barks at hispanic men. Hooray, racist dogs.

  40. OH MY GOSH! This is the second funniest thing I’ve read all day! The first being about a bug wand. Yeah, just google it. This is brilliant. My poster board: “Why my student loans should be waived…I want a new car!”

  41. ann – Prefolded??? Blasphemy! And I think that he’d appreciate the creepiness of that idea.

    jane – Thanks. And my old dog was racist too!

    kat – Beaten by the bug wand once again…

  42. yes! The tri-fold poster board always guaranteed a winning presentation!!

  43. mrstwink – It’s the secret to success in life.

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