i’m going to be a good dad

Quick note:  Ashley asked me to guest post on her blog, so if your thirst for my amazing writing is not quenched by today’s post, go check it out. 

Let me begin by saying that I like kids. I mean, I like them enough not to want to punch them.

Sometimes.

But sometimes I see kids and I find myself thinking, “I think maybe I’m not a good person.”

Yesterday after work was one of those times.

I was sitting on the train, trying to remember whether or not white American cheese was the Real American Cheese or if it was yellow that was The Real Thing, when a man and his son sat down directly across from me.

I looked at the kid.  He seemed harmless.

His outfit, however, made me extremely upset.

First of all, the very fact that I called it an “outfit” makes me angry.  Kids shouldn’t have outfits.  I had an outfit on.   I am old.  This kid was dressed better than I was.

He was wearing some nice, dark jeans, stylish kicks, and a blazer with a long sleeve shirt under it.  A blazer!

I think it may have been the blazer that pushed me over the edge.

Listen to me: Kids do not need to look good. If your kid is dressed like a 25 year-old, there’s something wrong.  Your kid doesn’t give a fuck what he’s wearing.  He cares about two things: Do today’s boogers taste good, and could that Lego castle he built fit more cookies in it.

Stop with the dressing up of little kids.  It’s fucking ridiculous.

I’ll tell you what, my kids won’t be wearing blazers.  I’ll send those fuckers to school wearing a garbage bag with holes cut out for his head and legs.

His arms will get a hole if he eats all his vegetables.

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39 Comments

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39 responses to “i’m going to be a good dad

  1. strangehappypeople

    Oh, no, you’d hate my army of a family.

    We had outfits – matching neon color outfits so we could find each other in a crowd during family outings.

    Completely embarrassing. We hide vacation pictures in a box in the basement.

  2. Priceless. I’ll admit…I have a 1 year old daughter and buying her stuff is kind of addictive. Keep in mind that by being the father, it is my duty to buy her the cooler stuff and not the pink crap.

    For instance…the tiny little Ramones tee? I got that for her. Her tiny little Clinton Portis jersey? Guilty.

    But yeah…a five year old in a blazer. Here’s the scene.
    Dad: What do you wanna wear today son? How would you like to look?
    Son: Like a douchebag.
    Dad: I can handle that…here, try on this blazer.

  3. agreed.

    i know a kid who has more shoes than i do. WTF! MY FEET ARE NOT GROWING ANYMORE, that little fucker’s are! stupid fucking waste of money.

  4. You know, I actually like kids. A lot. It’s the parents I can’t seem to get over. And it’s reasons like this. Too bad the little buggers are going to grow up and be just like them… (but maybe they won’t be… rebel and listen to rock music!).

  5. hahaha

    maybe he was on the way to an important event? or picture taking? or a wedding? or something? possibly? maybe?

  6. I agree with poodlegoose. I love kids, I hate parents. What up-tight-hollier-than-thou-trust-fund-living-
    douchebag of a parent would dress their kid like that?

  7. Clearly, YELLOW is the true American cheese color. That is all.

  8. Maybe you shouldn’t have kids… I tend to think that those mini blazers are a huge waste of fabric, but not enough to want to do bodily harm to the wearers.

    I totally understand what you mean about kids who are better dressed than you, though. I hates that.

  9. You are going to totally hate me if I ever have kids. I find it HILARIOUS to dress up little boys especially like they are grown men. It’s not even that I think it’s “cute”, really….but funny? Oh yes, it is funny indeed. There is a good chance my son will own a fair number of sweater vests. He’ll hate me when he grows up anyway, so might as well go all out, right?

  10. I put my two-year old to bed in a tux. I only do it so the servants don’t gossip, though.

  11. I love kids. I’m a nanny. I let the kids wear whatever they want. The 2 1/2 year old wears freaking Power Ranger pajama pants all day for all I care. They are kids for godsakes! Not fashion models.

  12. just to piss you off i’m going to dress my kids like that. i might even make them wear a scarves and some penny loafers.

  13. that sounded harsh. i don’t want to piss you off really. i’m just doing it because i can to well i guess piss you off… oh nevermind. worst comments ever.

  14. That was awesome! I’m still laughing.

    Kids do care what they wear, it’s just that their taste is different from ours. I let my daughter wear whatever she picks out as long as it’s appropriate for the weather. Today she chose to wear the following:
    a shirt with rainbow hearts on it
    a Hello Kitty tee shirt over that
    mulit-colored striped pants
    a purple ballerina skirt
    red sparkly shoes
    a headband with kitty ears on it

    She doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her outfit. She feels fabulous in it and that’s all she knows.

  15. strangehappy – Hiding your pictures sounds like a good idea.

    birdwatching – Good point. And dap for getting her a jersey.

    each – I admire your use of swear words.

    poodlegoose – Yes, the parents are clearly the problem, but it’s easier to make fun of kids. That was mean.

    deutlich – No way. You would’ve been making fun of him too, I know it.

    lisa – Thanks.

    dutchess – The ones who laugh at me and the crinkly dollar bill in my money clip.

    arielle – Really? Thanks for clearing that up.

    noelle – I probably shouldn’t. Could you imagine me with kids? They’d be grumpy by the time they were two.

    mindy – Get that resentment started early!

    melissa – Hahaha – Fucking servants like to talk don’t they?

    jamie – You’ve got the right idea.

    julie – Next time I’m visiting my brothers in Pittsburgh, I’m gonna kick your blogs ass.

    kristen – Thanks. And allow me to have a serious moment for one second: Your daughter sounds cute. Okay back to me: I hate everything! Whew!

  16. It may be cost-effective and fittingly unpretentious, but that garbage bag is going to get sweaty. On the plus side, though, it’s all-weather.

  17. Was he english? It sounds like he was english.

    Or maybe an A & R rep.

  18. agreed. kid outfits are a waste of money. they are just going to get them all dirty and grow out of them in 5 months.

  19. Well dressed children scare me. I always feel like their little minds are working too quickly and that they know more than I do.

  20. yellow american “cheese” is not, in fact, CHEESE at all, but a processed food product. please don’t tell me they are making white processed food product now, too!

    As for kids in blazers with cooler cell phones than me and like five different iPhones and a Mac Book Pro when I lug around my ancient PC? Blame the parents.

  21. @Kristen
    Your daughter and my daughter would get along just fine, though mine has this really intense obsession with dresses. She sees one, she puts it on. Doesn’t matter if she’s already wearing a dress.

    Makes sense, I suppose… after all, if one dress is pretty, TWO dresses must be fanfuckingtabulous.

  22. mickey – Also on the plus side, they will sweat off all that baby fat.

    kiala – Definitely an A&R rep.

    erin – I can send you some garbage bags if you want.

    hollywood – The worst part about it is that they do. They are clever little demons.

    tiff – What??? You take that back! I love my American cheese!

    justin – You and Kristen should feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

  23. Stop with the dressing up of little kids.

    Ditto x’s 100.

  24. Ha-ha. We are kindred spirits. I always find myself (quite often really) wanting to snatch and shake other people’s bad ass kids. They get under my skin. I believe repremanding in the form of beating should be a law!.

    Anywho-
    The idea of a kid in a blazer is cute. I bet the “Outfit” was fabulous!!! LOL

  25. B2G

    Um, Diva scares me. I think the kid was probably on his way somewhere important. And also… I bet he looked adorable! Was his hair slicked to the side? Did he have on a little baby Rolex? Do you want to kill me yet?

  26. Some American cheese is actual cheese…but if you look at some packages it does, in fact, say processed food product…

    I’ll admit that I think it’s cute when kids are in “outfits” however, there are limits. I have a 2 year old little cousin (who I absolutely LOVE!) and she has a COUPLE of Burberry outfits….yes, actual Burberry! WTF??? I don’t even have any Burberry and I’m 27! I think her grandma was crazy for getting them for her…

  27. freeandflawed – Thanks.

    diva – That’s the bad thing, it was a nice outfit.

    b2g – Yes.

    boogie – Burberry??? That is insanity. Rich people insanity, but insanity nonetheless.

  28. Kids make me wonder if I’m perhaps not-so-nice too. But adults that dress their kids like other adults? Should buy Barbie dolls or something. Creepy.

  29. haha, yeah i get a little weirded out when a little kid is dressed better than i am.

  30. Your children’s sports scholarships to ivy-league schools might be compromized if you send them to school in garbage bags.

    Just saying.

  31. So what if your future kid is all, “I want to shop exclusively at J.Crew”? Then what? An asskicking and ceremonial burning of a blazer?

  32. HAHA.

    I hate kids too. The kids here wear a lot of poser political shirts. I always see “che” shirts. It’s because they sell it at pac sun and all the other “hip” stores around here. It makes me want to punch a kid moreso than a blazer.

  33. Totally douchey – I don’t care what anyone says. I’m all for kids looking “cute” but I don’t get the whole “dressing them like adults” thing.

    But, I usually find myself annoyed by the mere presence of children or really anyone under the age of 21.

  34. amber – I agree completely.

    katelin – Yes. Fucking bastards.

    robyn – Right, but Ivy League schools always suck at sports, so I think I’d rather them go to dumb schools. Not that I’ve planned their life out or anything, I’m just saying…

    big time – Yes and yes.

    amanda – Yes, you are so right with that. I always want to yell, “Do you even know who Che Guevara was???” Then I remember I’m an Adult, so I don’t.

    kiraa – Hahaha – Same here.

  35. thatsadditychic

    LMFAO! I love dressing my one year old nephew in preppy clothes. Come on they are so adorable dressed up. Then again the bad part of me would love to crack up seeing a kid dressed in a garbage bag.

  36. Haha! Its true – kids are dressing like adults these days and its fucking weird.

    Even worse is when you see little girls dressed up in leopard print stripper gear. Or maybe that’s just Baltimore.

  37. thatsaddity – It’d end up being a new trend featured at all the Baby Gaps.

    mrstwink – That might just be BMore. Sorry.

  38. kbarnes924

    This: “He cares about two things: Do today’s boogers taste good, and could that Lego castle he built fit more cookies in it.” made me laugh out loud in my office. This is not a common happening.

    I regularly ponder if I can still become a school counselor even though I regularly wander through Wal-Mart envisioning myself kicking children. I know it’s really the parents’ fault, however, the parents are not the ones banging into my cart screaming at the top of their lungs. Not usually, anyway.

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