the man

I bet Jesus had a lot of friends.

If you lived back then, there is no way you wouldn’t try and be friends with Jesus. He was pretty much the Coolest Jew Ever.

Aside from Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld.

I mean, we all know about the Apostles. Speaking of which, you know they hated being called the “Apostles” by Jesus. You know what apostles means in Hebrew? “A group of friends.” Lame! You mean to tell me that the Son of God couldn’t come up with something better than that??? Why not something cool like “J-Unit” or “The Terrible Twelve?” I’ll tell you why Judas betrayed Jesus – it had nothing to do with the Romans – the man was sick of that weak crew name.

On top of always rolling deep with the Apostles, Jesus was the life of any party. No more alcohol? Jesus has you covered player! He’d turn your well into a never ending supply of wine.

And the ladies!

Don’t tell me the ladies didn’t love them some Jesus. He had the long, flowing hair, the vast knowledge, and most of all, he was the one dude who could understand them.

Random Woman: “I just don’t understand John Son of Zebedee, he never asks me out anymore!”

Jesus: [Winking] “I know why you are upset my child. You fear that John did not enjoy the size of your thighs, but fear not, your thighs are heavenly.”

There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus had mad friends and was a pretty cool dude.

And yes, if you must know, he does read blogs.

He’s got this one bookmarked.

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “the man

  1. I heard through the grapevine that he’s the real author of that book, The Game. Oh, and that he invented Facebook.

  2. Ha ha ha…you provide such entertainment to my life!

  3. Dude, any guy who is forever immortalized by having a baby figurine of himself shoved into king cakes, must be rockin.

  4. I was with you at first, but the more I see it in print, the more I think Apostles is a badass name for a crew.

    Say it out loud: “What up, yo? I’m Jesus the Christ and these are my homeys, the Apostles. Dig.” That’s pretty effin street.

  5. I would love to know how you thought of this post. Haha. Coolest Jew EVER.

  6. tiff

    Jesus is indeed awesome.

  7. I bet you didn’t know that Jesus also invented hip hop. I mean, he was black, of course. And you know he was rockin the bling under his robes. His chalice was the first original crunk cup.

  8. I don’t know how you come up with this stuff, but I love it. Keep on keeping on!

  9. I don’t really like long hair on men.

    Sorry Jesus.

  10. crissyspage

    What about Fonzie?
    You forgot to add Fonzie to your list of coolest Jews ever.

  11. This post was sacrilicious.

  12. Hahaha.

    I think I love you.

  13. I think he got the ladies all hot & bothered because of his sultry brown eyes… ’cause we all know those blue things in the paintings are bullshit.

  14. FRM

    Hottest Jew ever — Lenny Kravitz… yummy. (even if it’s only half)

    … I feel wrong even being part of this conversation.

    *whispering*Lord I stopped reading when he started talking about thighs… I promise

  15. I think Judas was mad because he wasn’t getting as much shine as Jesus.

    I friggin love this post

  16. melissa – Yes, that’s all true. He also can’t wait for the Sex and the City movie. He’s totally ready to “get carried away.”

    boogiemonsta – Thanks!

    dutchess – You’re damn right.

    mickey – I don’t know man, I’m still not sold.

    lacey – So would I. I think I have a problem.

    tiff – That sounds like a bumper sticker.

    arielle – Hahaha – No doubt that Jesus was black. It’s fucking absurd for people not to realize that.

    freeandflawed – Like I told Lacey, there are issues inside my head.

    kiala – He said he’d cut it! Give him another chance!

    kristen – Fonzy was a jew? Sit on it! Or some other witty Happy Days reference.

    noelle – Hahaha – nice.

    candace – Thanks. I’m a nice guy.

    melissa – The eyes were definitely part of his lure.

    frm – Hahaha – Lenny is a beautiful man, too bad his music sucks ass.

    diva – Thanks. And yeah, Judas wanted more love.

  17. aaaaahahahahaha

    I don’t really like Jesus. Or any other religious deity.

    At all.

    Wonder what that says about me?

  18. B2G

    I would totally roll with the J-Unit. Hahaha…

  19. where do you come up with this stuff?

  20. I’m with Kiala, I kind of wish Jesus had gone to Great Clips or something. But I do hear that Jewish men treat their girlfriends well, so I might have dated him even with the long hair. Those generalizations MUST be true, right?

    (Chances I’ll go to hell for this comment: 92%)

  21. deutlich – You are going to hell. Just like me. See you there. Bring some fans.

    b2g – Yes, me too!

    erin – I really don’t know, and the more people ask me that the more I think there’s something wrong with me…

    mindy – More like 100%, but deutlich and I will meet you there. You can bring the boombox.

  22. Um, I just read your post about you being like Larry David, and umm, um, whoa. I’m a fan of him, Curb Your Enthusiasm and George Costanza, but damn, would he ever get on my nerves. 😉 Everything just seems so awkward. Are you that awkward?

  23. I was always jealous because Jesus’ mom couldn’t really use that whole “Were you born in a barn?” lecture on him.

  24. wellhmmyep

    random…very random. but nonetheless entertaining

  25. This reminded me of Stephen Lynch’s song “Craig”. If you haven’t heard it, do yourself a favor and YouTube it.

  26. You’re insanely entertaining.

  27. You’re insanely entertaining.

  28. poodlegoose – Hahaha – no I’m not that bad. Most of the time.

    j-money – Jesus was a spoiled brat. How can you punish the Son of God? Not gonna happen.

    wellhmm – Thanks. My brain is odd.

    birdwatching – Yes, I love Stephen Lynch!

    lisa – Thanks.

    lisa – Thanks.

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