a perfect plan

I was walking to work this morning when I saw this guy fly by me on the street. My first thought – bike. My second thought – I hope, for his sake, it wasn’t a segway.

Then, up ahead at the corner, I saw him come zooming out of the muddled traffic.

The man was rocking roller skates.

Not even roller blades.

Roller skates.

He had those suckers right on top of his dress pants. He was bobbing and weaving with the greatest of ease – and though my natural instinct is to automatically hate on anything that is different from me – I found myself envying the man.

He was free.

Here I am, forced to walk to work every morning after the gym, fighting through the idiots on line who decide that a bagel with eggs and cheese is A Good Idea For Breakfast, and those – that for some reason – walk at the pace of a sloth. Who is asleep.

This guy was tearing up the pavement. He was probably listening to something Ultra Rad like Invisible Touch, and not caring about a damn thing.

At that moment, in my jealousy not only of his freedom, but also of his knowledge of Genesis, I decided that I would do the same as him – only take it one step farther.

I’m buying a Big Wheel, and I’m never looking back.

From now on, whether Ari breaks up with me because this is The Last Straw or not, I am going to ride a Big Wheel wherever I go.

To the bar? Big Wheelin’ it son.

Home from work? Big Wheel ain’t scared of the Brooklyn Bridge!

With my Big Wheel, people will now look at me with intense jealousy, not the other way around.

Now, if I can only find a He-Man themed one…


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43 responses to “a perfect plan

  1. Rollerskates rule. But I’d exnay on the Big Wheel. On the New York streets, you’d get kicked in the face…no good.

  2. ashley

    oh yes. now you’ve given me an idea.

  3. idontliketoread

    yo, first off egg and cheese is fucking money, so your wrong on that one, but I’m in on the big wheels!! the only question is: GI Joe big wheel, or Ninja Turtle? you rock one, me on the other, and we are one step away from total domination!
    also, did anybody else have the Green Machine? it was the deformed akward brother of big wheels.

  4. I’m choking back the laughter. Literally. Because that? I can absolutely see you doing.

    I also think it’s the best idea since sliced bread.

    Because, yes.

  5. How absolutely amazing is that guy?! Seriously. Big Wheel FTW.

    I had a boys’ one when I was little. It was black and had flames on it. I was awesome.

  6. That is an awesome idea. Tearin’ up the streets on your Big Wheel… and I’d take it you would still listen to Genesis? Because you should. And that would make you doubly awesome.

  7. You’ll have to find an adult sized Big Wheel. I often try to ride my niece’s tricycle and my knees get stuck under the handlebars. It’s a bummer.

  8. strangehappypeople

    Ha! I can’t see people being anything but envious if they see you riding around in that.

  9. Fuck Big Wheels! Just go Rogue.

    I don’t know what that means either.

  10. the saddest day of my life was when my next door neighbor split the wheel on mine. i punched him in the balls for that.

  11. If you big wheeled it to work, you would be my hero.

  12. I. Love. Roller skates. I never owned roller blades because I couldn’t bear turning my back on my good old skates.

    The only thing I didn’t like about the Big Wheel was how low to the ground it was. And that when you got to big, your knees didn’t fit.

  13. crissyspage

    I used to fly down the hill in my driveway on my big wheel and then pull the brake at the end and spin out.

    I literally rode it until the wheels fell off when I smashed into my dad’s car. No more big wheel.

    Don’t get cocky like I did and you and your big wheel will ride and ride and ride…

  14. If you girlfriend breaks up with you over this, let me know. I look great on the back of a bigwheel.

  15. jessica – You might be right.

    ashley – And this idea – does it have anything to do with He-Man?

    idont – Dude, I already said I was getting a He-Man one. Go with the Turtles. And I have no idea what the green machine was.

    deutlich – I don’t know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

    jamie – Okay. Help me out. What does FTW mean? Fucking Time Warp? Fat Tomato Woman? I have no idea.

    poodlegoose – Of course I’d be rocking to Genesis!

    dutchess – You’re right, I forgot about the knee thing.

    strangehappy – Exactly! I’ll be the toast of NY. Trump will be paging me (cause I don’t give out my number to everyone – he’s gotta hit me up on my box).

    kiala – What did I tell you about drinking and commenting?

    julie – Damn, I forgot about the split wheels. Gonna have to reinforce mine. And damn, thats kinda harsh.

    b2g – Okay playa! I see you! You like the finer things in life.

    lacey – I work on Madison and 32nd. Come see.

    erin – I could always roller blade better than roller skate. I always thought roller skates were wack, but I’m changing my ways.

    kristen – You lived dangerously, and you paid the ultimate price. I admire that.

    mindy – Uh-oh! Ari better watch out for the competition! Also, can we get matching jean jackets?

  16. I’m gonna rock the moon shoes.

    also, here’s some west coast rollerskating for ya http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZatR8Vo1A4

  17. arielle

    no, The Last Straw will be if you don’t get me a sidecar.

  18. That’s it, you’ve sold me on the idea. I’ll get one too and others will follow and then we’ll rock the jean jackets and big wheels in the v formation and pull infront of sleazy bars like a posse…

    Oh it’ll be rad, alright…

  19. I never had a Big Wheel. I am so deprived. I think I should get one now and ride it to work. Because, in LA, if you ride a bike/ Big Wheel to work, you’re allowed to look down upon your peers and be like, “I didn’t pollute today. WTF DID YOU DO, SUCKA?”

  20. While you’re at it, you should see if you can get one of those red plastic cars with the yellow tops.

  21. I was thinking about investing in a horse. It’ll save me on gas but I guess a bigwheel is a good idea too!

    As always love the post.

    sidebar: Roller skates are not divalicious unless I can find some that are pink with extra blingage!

  22. Damn, I wish I would have known! Just last week there was a Big Wheels on my block on the curb. It was Barbie, but I’m sure you could have worked with that.

  23. hollywood – Those shoes are awesome.

    ari – Sidecar would be sweet. And we could get goggles. Because I plan on pedaling really fast.

    meghan – V formation is a must.

    andrea – Hahaha – You do, really? I might have to switch coasts.

    noelle – Hahaha – Yes! Those things were indestructible. I always used to try and break them and they always just kept on rolling.

    diva – A horse is not a bad idea. But they tend to take huge shits, so that’s kinda a negative. And thanks.

    melissa – I would’ve owned that!

  24. FTW = for the win

    you need to get up on your geek speak.

  25. Haha I would love to see someone going down the street in a big wheel, that would be awesome. You should totally do it.

  26. AHHH DO IT. You may have to modify it a bit, or at least have the seat ALL the way back because you’re probably a BIT taller than the average big wheel rider/driver.

    Also, Segways make me think of GOB.

  27. I had the black one with the flames on it too! I’d pay some serious money for an adult sized Big Wheel.

  28. I’d pay big money to the Big Wheel crew in a V-formation riding down the block…that’s gangsta!

  29. OK, Big Wheels aren’t a bad idea, but you’re so low to the ground. Wouldn’t you rather be on one of those huge old timey bikes with the huuuuuge front wheel and tiny back wheel?

    You’re welcome.

  30. Betsy

    you can only zip around town in your Big Wheels if you have your My Buddy doll strapped to the back.

  31. Awesome idea. You should get a Green Machine. Wasn’t that what they called the Big Wheel with the front gears for making those hairpin turns?

  32. wellhmmyep

    i was going to comment on this big wheel idea, but betsy took the words right out of my mouth.

  33. jamie – Oh. Thanks for the lesson!

    katelin – There are times that define ones life. And this is mine.

    bigtime – What’s GOB? Jesus christ do I not know anything about “blog speak” or something?

    todd – You and I both.

    boogiemonsta – You’re damn right it is.

    kate – No way! Those things are for circus people and old time movies. Plus, they’re kinda creepy.

    betsy – I would, but we had a falling out. He wasn’t happy with me when I “discovered” girls.

    hahasound – I’m not sure, you and Idon’tliketoread (comment above) should discuss this though, I don’t really remember those.

    dan – I knew it! And you didn’t even say hi???

    wellhmm – Great minds think alike.

  34. nancypearlwannabe

    I like to imagine him listening to Corey Hart’s Sunglasses at Night. Why have I never thought of roller skates as a viable mode of transportation?

  35. the only thing i’ve been able to think about is roller skating. thank you for the distraction.

  36. It was Gabriel!

    Seriously, have you ever heard David Cross’ bit about the dude in lower Manhattan who was rocking roller skates, headphones and a gas mask the day after 9/11? Good stuff.

    Invisible Touch was a perfect choice.

  37. GOB = George Oscar Bluth. And his segway.

    Less blog-speak, more arrested-development-speak.

  38. OMG! The red, yellow and blue Big Wheel! I had that exact model! My bro’ and I had matching ones, and terrorized our neighborhood as children. I distinctly remember knowing better than to express my sadness when I graduated to a bicycle. The bike was boring.

    You do need to get one. We want photographs of the big wheel on the streets, sidewalks and bridges of NYC. Now, if you’ll ride it through a tunnel, I’ll be really impressed. (A grand death is always impressive.)

  39. nancypearl – Oh yes, that’s another classic. Nice.

    julie – I try my best to help others not do what they’re supposed to be doing.

    mickey – Haven’t heard that, but I’ll check it out.

    bigtime – Oh. You know, I never really watched that, despite the fact that tons of people told me I would’ve liked it. I’m dumb.

    qanzas – One Grand Death coming right up. Hey, it’ll be like after an artist dies, you know, suddenly everyone wants their work. Well, after that, I’ll get tons of people visiting my blog!

  40. laurel

    dude, where your blades at? as i recall you kicked some ass on some skates!

  41. Whoa…

    Was that Phil Collins sportin a mullet?!?


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