insanity before a towel

The locker room at the gym is an odd place – where seemingly rational people regress into conducting seriously disturbing behaviors.

Unfortunately for me, because I don’t ever want to be fat, I have to witness these behaviors five days a week.

This morning there was guy standing beside me having a conversation about painting his house, while completely naked.

When was the last time you had a conversation with anyone while completely naked? Right after sex, I hope. Otherwise, put some fucking clothes on.

Oh, and while we’re talking about naked dudes (who doesn’t like talking about naked dudes!) how about the guy who weighs himself in the nude? What – putting on a pair of boxers is gonna tip the scale for ya??? Look fucker, no one wants to see the fact that you’re still fat as ever despite coming to the gym everyday. Try not eating a box of Twinkies for lunch.

That might help.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Smelly Clothes Man. This guy wears the exact goddamn thing everyday to the gym, and if he’s within five lockers of you, your stomach will not be the same for at least an hour after.

Why Smelly Clothes Man chooses not to wash his clothes – I have no idea. Why he just has to wear the same thing everyday, like it’s some kind of Stink Uniform – I have no idea. I do know that when his locker is near mine, I feel like dying.

Or maybe stabbing him in the neck.

The worst part about the locker room is that there is nothing you can do about it. You have to deal with it.

You must look at these people and somehow make yourself think of them as Normal People who act logically in The Real World, no matter how hard they seem to make it.

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31 Comments

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31 responses to “insanity before a towel

  1. The male body is NOT cute.

    Not that my stuff looks like a box full of kittens either, but like, eeeeeww.

    Put your junk AWAY, dude.

    For serious.

  2. That’s like the naked old lady in the locker room who just… strolls around the place, fixing her hair, putting underarm deodorant on, sitting there shootin’ the shit..

    I mean, I’m all for nekkid titties.

    Really.

    But… not so much when they’re attached to an old hag.

    PLEASE put on some damn clothes. Or a fuckin’ towel. No one here wants to see your wrinkly funbags.

    kthanx.

  3. it’s doubly worse in the women’s locker room, as the only women who enjoy being naked sadly should never ever been seen naked. I’ve burned my cornea on several occasions trying to get a towel over my eyes quick enough.

  4. I like the male form myself. Nakedness means fun time! I swear I am the worst. N-E Ways, I dont’ shower in locker rooms (like I go to the gym). I’d have to wait until I get home.

  5. And it’s always dudes pushing 60 that are struttung around naked. You ever notice that? They remind me of that episode of the Simpsons when Marge walks in on Mr. Burn getting out of the shower.

    I ALWAYS have some form of clothing on in the locker room, even if it’s just a towel. And I don’t do this because I’m ashamed of my body, I do it out of common fucking courtesy to everyone else.

  6. Tell me about it! I work out at the gym in my office so not only am I witness to the oddities of the locker room etiquette, but I WORK with these people!

    Its never the same after seeing a co-worker naked.

  7. I used to do Nia (gah! I know…new agey but it’s really good for you) and the women in the changing room were the WORST. They would wipe their naked bodies with baby wipes and then just stand and stare at me in that creepy hippy way. I finally just started changing in the bathroom stalls.

  8. kristen – I don’t think I’d be comfortable with your stuff if it looked like a box of kittens.

    deutlich – “Wrinkly funbags” – never, ever, say that again on my blog.

    tiff – Yes, the ugliest ones seem to be the most proud.

    diva – I’d love to wait until I got home, but I go right before work, so unless my coworkers would be okay with me smelling like ass all day, I have to shower.

    birdwatching – Exactly. We humans have clothes for a reason.

    mrstwink – I can imagine meetings would be kinda awkward.

    kiala – I had to google Nia. You are soooo a hippy.

  9. i hate the locker room at the gym…although i think women tend to smell better than men, so i don’t envy you. but yeah…it’s just an awkward social situation. you are undressing in front of strangers and acting as though it’s totally normal. but if you just starting stripping in the middle of the floor at a department store while casually talking to a fellow shopper, you would probably be arrested.

  10. And zis is why I do not frequent the gym.

    Also, re: Kristen thinking “the male body is NOT cute” – oy! I personally LURVE it. tmi? Whatevs.

  11. B2G

    Wow… wherever did you get the idea for this post?

  12. I don’t think I’ve been in a locker room since high school and I plan to keep it that way. Back then, though, guys were generally too self-conscious to just put it all out there. Except for the future sex-offenders who insisted on giving other guys wedgies; those dudes were pretty comfortable with themselves.

  13. I was traumatized in the locker room at an early age, thanks to my bootleg elementary school having us take gym at Georgetown University’s gymnasium. We would be in the locker room, and nasty old nekkid ladies would be flopping all over the place…it’s part of the reason why I can’t go to gym locker rooms now for fear of the FOLs – floppy old ladies!

  14. idontliketoread

    in middle school my science teach would run laps during my gym period. he would parade the locker room (full of 13yr old boys) naked as a jay bird! he would ask us science triva, and joke w/the gym teachers. needless to say he was fired, unfortunatly well after he had scarred my young brain.

  15. ashley

    I’m so happy that other people make fun of people at the gym. I was afraid that I was the only one. I can’t help but crack up at the faces guys make at themselves in the mirror while they’re lifting weights. HA.

  16. I’ve never been to this ‘gym’ you speak of. Thanks for ruining the picture of towel snapping hot guys in the steam room. Bah.

  17. ashley – Yes, you have to act like everything is okay, meanwhile your ass is hanging out for all to see.

    jessica – Yeah, it’s best to stay away if you can.

    b2g – Naked men.

    mickey – Yes they were, weren’t they?

    boogiemonsta – Man, all this talk of naked old ladies is making me sick.

    idont – Dude was definitely suspect.

    ashley – Oh man, forget about it! Making fun of people is a talent of mine. Given to me by lucifer.

    meghan – That does happen – but only with the cute ones!

  18. You know, we always hate in others what we see in ourselves. C’mon, you totally stand there with one foot on the bench chatting up the other dudes about football and beer and My Little Pony. BE HONEST.

  19. I can’t tolerate my own nakedness, nevermind a bunch of smelly, flabby strangers. Ugh. I have enough trouble in my jazzercise class realizing that I’ve just walked into a room full of strangers and started kicking and flailing like a crazed lunatic. The locker room would put me over the edge.

  20. The gym is always a place of interesting happenings…mainly involving naked people, so weird.

  21. I dunno if I can relate. The women’s locker room is not so grotesque. Maybe you should start changing in there…but I bet you’ve already thought about that.

  22. J

    I don’t understand the women who walk around in the nude at my gym.

    I mean, I ADMIRE them.

    But I don’t understand it.

    …Who wants to touch that floor in bare feet???

  23. I dare you to follow Smelly Clothes Man around for a day. I bet you all my Canadian dollars he is NOT normal person in the real world, as you claim.

    Also… you go to the gym five days a week? I’m pleased if I go twice…

  24. I’m sorry. I don’t even have a real comment. I’m too busy laughing at Deutlich’s comment. Wrinkly funbags, bah!

  25. melissa – Only My Little Pony, I always clothe myself for beer talk.

    lynne – Jazzercise? I didn’t think people actually did that. I kinda always thought of it as the perfect answer to everything: “So what’s up?” “Jazzercise!”

    katelin – Yes.

    hollywood – Many, many, times…

    j – Yeah, it’s kinda nasty.

    robyn – You’re probably right. And yes, it’s a problem I have.

    poodlegoose – Stop it with the wrinkly funbags shit!!! I feel nauseous.

  26. nancypearlwannabe

    Ahh. At my old gym they had a whirlpool and a sauna and a steam room, and all the fat old ladies would wander from one to the other, chatting to each other and proudly letting their gray hair-down-there fly free. It was a bit much.

  27. Jo

    There’s a scene in the film Run Fatboy Run that exemplifies perfectly what you are saying.

    I will never be the girl who wants a peep hole into the male changing rooms.

  28. nancypearl – Jesus I don’t want to think about that at all.

    jo – It’s not a good scene.

  29. zakstar

    awkward is running into one of your former professors in a locker room, while you’re nek-ed.

    gross is the very obese ladies who sit naked on the benches in front of the lockers to dry between their skin folds

  30. Pingback: just a little snippet « learning to be me

  31. Eww. I was working out on a machine next to Miss Locker Room stank last night. About on par with Miss I am going to wear a strong perfume to the gym and suffocate the crap out of everyone.

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