raiders of the lost table setting

My apartment has many things in it.  It has strategically hidden Terrible Towels, because Ari won’t let me hang them where everyone can admire their beauty.

It also has tons of silverware.

If you’re like us, you have mismatched silverware collected over time from various, unknown sources.  Our silverware drawer is like an archaeological dig.  I reach into it, pull out a spoon and declare, “Ah!  What a fine spoon this is!  An excellent find!”

Then I eat my Kix.

The one thing I don’t like though, is when I get a Little Fork.

You know, that fork that looks like it was made for a baby tyrannosaurus?  Or maybe something not that cool – maybe just a very small man.

When I end up with the Little Fork, it’s like I’m being punished.

Me: [Noticing the Little Fork mocking me from the table] “Uh, isn’t there a bigger one?”

Ari: [Sitting down] “Well, maybe next time you’ll remember to take out the trash like I asked you.”

[I stare down at the Little Fork.  It is laughing at me.  It really is.]

Ari: [Enjoying her Regular Fork] “Now eat your peas, though you might only be able to eat them one at a time.”

[She enjoys saying this]

Why does the Little Fork even exist?

I’m not a child!

I need a fork that can pick up large chunks of somewhat enjoyable food and shovel it into my mouth at speeds that alarm those that eat with me!

From now on, when I’m faced with having to prepare for a meal, I am Indiana Jones.

I’m going in there – ruggedly handsome as always – grabbing the biggest, mightiest fork I can find and getting out of there.

I’m not sure if I’ll wear the hat, but I probably will.

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39 Comments

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39 responses to “raiders of the lost table setting

  1. i wish i had kix right now. boo.

  2. You know what they say, little fork, big penis.

    No wait, I think it’s cold hands, warm heart.

    But of course, we can start something new.

  3. maybe you should invest in a spork?

  4. just use your fingers! silverware is mightily useless.

  5. People use silverware? Frak, no wonder why I don’t go on many second dates…

  6. Worse is when I see that I have the little fork, then, through the tears, notice that somehow I’m the only one with one. Like my 3 year old’s sitting there with a utensil bigger than her leg while I’m trying to manipulate this Barbie-sized fork with my fat fingers.

    This is why I drink.

  7. You men are so picky. My dad throws a fit whenever he gets the Little Fork.

  8. i love the little fork.

    i also love little spoons.

    but not little knives.

  9. mindy:

    Like women don’t have problems when they get stuck using a little tool?

  10. “Why does the Little Fork even exist?”

    That’s for de-veining butterflies before throwing them in the Fry Daddy, daddy.

  11. Bahahaha…. my boyfriend also hates the little fork. Sometimes I try to sneak them to him as a lesson that he should do dishes more often, so as to have more regular-sized forks available, but so far that plan hasn’t exactly worked.

  12. We have this spoon from Ikea, and if you look at it from a certain angle it looks like a cock-and-balls.

    It makes me blush.

    Because I’m still 13.

  13. I’m sure that this post has all sorts of wit and awesomeness in it, but I can’t get past the Terrible Towel part.

    Oh, Myron! MYRON!!! *sniffle*

  14. jessica – A very underrated cereal, don’t you think?

    melissa – No, you were right about the little fork thing.

    deutlich – Maybe. As long as they made it five feet long and out of steel.

    tiff – That might get me put in the crate with my dog.

    meghan – That may be something to look into.

    justin – Yes, like I said, it’s a punishment. Your daughter ratted you out about something. Find her and punish her right back!

    mindy – Your Dad sounds like a Good Man.

    each – They’re all worthless!

    qanzas – Now that’s an odd thought. You having a rough morning?

    nancypearl – Good for him! It’s called passive-aggressiveness and it has its place.

    kristen – Hahaha – It’s good that you’ve come to terms with that.

    melissa – I know! RIP old buddy – the Steelers will not be the same without him.

  15. Use your little fork and pretend you’re a giant!

  16. Go invest in a man fork!

  17. So here’s a good thing about living alone. I get to have all the big forks I want. And I do have my forks rated in a crappy to good scale. My spoons, too. If I’m behind on dishes, I pay dearly when I run out of shiny spoons and have to use the matte ones.

  18. We have the little forks and little spoons from Ikea. they came with the set.

    I think we are the only people we know with two entire sets of matching silverware. But that is because we only buy things from Ikea. If we wanted kids, we would buy them at Ikea, which would be even more annoying then regular kids because we would have to put them together ourselves.

  19. I love Little Forks. I hate it when they’re all dirty and I have to resort to a Big Fork.

  20. essentially – Not a bad idea!

    jamie – I do actually have a fork that I use – I call it My Eatin’ Fork. Ari loves when I yell at her to fetch me it right before a meal.

    noelle – Ah, to have that freedom.

    kiala – Please send me one set. Also, the instructions would have no words, just weird illustrations of how to do it.

    srah – You must be tiny.

  21. Personally, I just want to see more of the “dinosaurs make me happy” tag.

  22. An entire post about a fork. Nice.

    And little fork=punishment: That’s the world in a nutshell, my friend, and it’s a bitch.

  23. B2G

    #1- I HATE mismatched silverware.

    #2- I HAVE to eat with a big fork. We don’t have any mini-forks, but we have regular sized ones and big ones. And I HAVE to have a big one. (That’s what she said.)

  24. One of the great things that came out of my marriage: an entire set of matching silverware that is pretty and solid. No silverware swiped from IHOP after a night of drinking anymore! 🙂

  25. jmoney – anything for you. April will be nothing but dinosaur-centric posts!

    Mickey – life can be so cruel.

    B2g – hahah – well said.

    Srah – I can see all.

    Sassy – well, all is not lost then, right?

  26. Maybe it’s a guy thing, both my dad and boyfriend hate little forks and little spoons too. I don’t get it, haha.

  27. I vote for switching to plastic… or just eat off a dirty fork.

  28. JessNYC

    yum, Kix! lol

    Maybe the little fork is a dessert/starter fork? haha

  29. Maybe Little Fork should find it’s way to the garbage somehow… and then you can immediately remember to take out the garbage and never have to worry about being stuck with Little Fork again!!

  30. Saw your blog on 20something blogs–it’s hilarious! I know that little fork. I own quite a few of them. I’m pretty sure one might have Ernie and Bert on it, encouraging it to be small AND juvenile. Regardless, it’s still there. And i’ll still use it when we run out of silver wear. I don’t have the heart to let it go.

    Anyway–great blog!!

  31. katelin – Major Guy Thing. Like Being Awesome and cutting the lawn so perfectly it makes your neighbors jealous.

    maxie – Not bad. Kill the earth quicker while also being lazy. I like it! I really like it!

    jess – You’re probably right, but I tend to think in the most simple terms.

    chandra – Good idea.

    lauren – Thanks! And you ever notice how obvious it was that Ernie was the cooler of the two of them? No one ever wanted to hang out with Bert. Not even Big Bird. Maybe Grover.

  32. You’re completely and utterly right. Ernie has always been my favorite, he was ridiculous, outlandish, and funny. Bert was lame, just wanting quiet nights at home that entailed talking to pidgins. I think Grover hung out with him just to be nice. However, behind Bert’s back, I bet he still scoffed at him.

  33. I have a whole drawer full of little forks. They came in an ikea set, along with 4 little bebeh spoons, and 4 ginormous spoons only useful to a fat person eating ice cream.

  34. lauren – Oh you know it, Grover was such a gossip.

    hollywood – You need to host a fat people party! Or maybe not. That doesn’t sound that fun at all.

  35. *dead* @ little fork laughing at you!

    I say hide it, or even toss it out! Show that little fork who pays the rent!!

  36. Ummm. Funniest post yet. I hate the little fork. But… I have a special spoon. One I love love love to eat my kix with and never offer to guests. I have a special spoon here that I actually sort of “hide” under the other silverware so that my roommate can’t use it.

  37. Pingback: Bunch of stuff « Couch Cubicle

  38. Pingback: another step toward nothingness « surviving myself

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