sweet solutions

Today was one of my co-worker’s last day, so we celebrated by getting him a box of donuts. It took the awkwardness off The Final Day by having everyone focus on increasing their stomach size.

With my mouth full of powdered glory, I could not help but think about all the ills our world faces – and how easily donuts could solve them all.

We are, after all, an Unhappy Society. Why not cheer up it up with a little creme filling?

Imagine the results.

You think we couldn’t lure ol’ Bin Laden out of hiding with a glazed donut, made special just for him?

And I promise you we would’ve been able to keep Bush’s dumb ass out of office if we had just offered a box of Boston Creme’s to him.

George: [Intensely looking at the box of donuts] “You mean to tell me I get that whole box, just to not be president?”

Me: “That’s right.”

[I hold up the box, because he seems to be squinting at it. I quickly realize this is just his normal expression, and lower it again.]

George: [Now confused] “I get the donuts inside the box too right, not just the box?”

Me: [Sadly] “Yes George. The donuts are yours too. Just leave us all alone.”

George: [Snatching the box out of my hands like a little boy] “Done! Yee-haw – I swindled America again!”

Imagine the smaller problems in our lives that donuts would help solve too.

Instead of having to come up with Something Clever To Say when first introduced to new people, once the introductions are done, quickly shove a jelly donut in your mouth. Presto! No one expects you to talk now! That’d be silly!

Donuts are sweet, glazed-covered pieces of heaven that make problems disappear faster than you can say, “My stomach doesn’t feel too good.”

So what do you say? First box is on me.


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33 responses to “sweet solutions

  1. The other day, my brother said he was “over” Boston Kreme donuts. And after restraining myself from punching him in the face, I ate one in front of him and it was glorious. More for me.

  2. if only that would actually work…

    No Bush?

    I can’t even fathom such a lovely idea.

  3. I think you’re on the right track, but you don’t take it far enough.

    In order to have a significant impact, we’d need to completely revamp our own economic policy, replacing our weakened dollar with donut-based currency. Have you ever heard of a donut losing ground to the Yen?

  4. I only eat free range locally grown sustainable donuts.

    Mmmm…..jelly donut comin’.

  5. crissyspage

    I ate 4 little chocoate donuts at lunch today and I’m hating myself so hard right now.

    I cannot get on board with this idea.

  6. crissyspage

    Not that I didn’t enjoy the donuts.

    I just feel fat now.

    And that makes me feel sad.

  7. i really wish it was that easy to get that man out of there… but we just all have to wait patiently on 01/20/09.

    as for donuts… my motto is “don’t trust anyone who cannot enjoy an awesome donut”
    that person is hiding something!

  8. I love donuts. LOVE them. Once, my roommates and I were feeling down about a variety of things. A friend brought us some nice glazed donuts and suddenly the world seemed brighter, flowers were blooming, and birds were chirping.

    I’m pretty sure donuts can cure cancer.

  9. If only that had worked….

    But man I do love donuts, mmmm.

  10. This is the best idea ever and I am sad that no one has lured Bush out of office yet. 😦

  11. Okay so, If we take the word donut and insert the word HENNESSEY, I would be all for this.

    DONUTS, not so much. Come on APOLLO. you read my last post! LMAO

  12. I’ve always suspected that Bush didn’t want to be there, but there he is. We have a rep who brings donuts to the office every time she visits. But today she brought Peeps, which was like a slap in the face. I would have broken vegan March for a donut.

  13. brooklyn – Hahaha – that was great.

    deutlich – I know. Imagine how different things might be. Of course, most politicians are idiots, so we’d still be fucked I’m sure.

    justin – Yes, you are a wise man.

    kiala – The best ones are allowed to roam free, just like their ancestors.

    kristen – Steady… Steady… 4 donuts will not make you fat. They just make you unattractive. I kid!

    aaron – That is one good motto.

    lauren – If only Dunkin would release the secret recipe!

    katelin – I’ll email you one.

    jack – Me too man. Me too. The best part about this is how everyone seems to have come to their senses all the sudden, like Bush wasn’t fucking us the entire time.

    diva – Someone needs her drink!

    noelle – You should have punched her. If she wants to be nice, be nice the way everyone wants you to be nice.

  14. I would do ANYTHING for a donut!

    No joke…I can’t believe I’m not FAT!

    **thx for the awful thought of him not brushing…YUCK!

  15. I hate when donuts or cupcakes or cookies show up at the office because that’s all anyone talks about. “Oh, I guess I’ll have one.” “OH no who brought these in? Ack! Now I’ll get fat” (you are fat). “Who wants to split one with me? I can’t have a whole one.” “There’s only 2 left…someone better eat them before I do” meh heh heh.

    Shut up!

  16. I’m loving the image of the U.S. Army, instead of going around in camo and low-crawling, walking from cave to cave with neon Krispie Kreme signs. They’re the real heroes.

  17. Hey..whoa….hold on now.

    Did Justin just declare his need to be BEAT DOWN?

    Because I just saw him call me a hippy and now I am ready to rumble.

    (Hi Justin!)

  18. I’m sorry. That was totally crossing the line. I mean, calling someone you barely know a hippie… Man. Totally out of line. Can I buy you a donut or patchouli or something to make up for it?

    See, this is why I got my ass kicked last time…

  19. sarah c.

    my sister and i decided the other day that when “the big one” hits california and part of san diego (containing only cool people, natch) breaks off and forms an island, we are going to give people donuts as they get off the plane instead of the traditional lei’s they do in hawaii. “welcome to our beautiful island! donut?!”

  20. Make donuts not War! Has a nice ring to it.

  21. I’m not a big donut fan. How about a 12 pack of beer instead?

  22. allie – Donuts are a great motivator.

    hollywood – Hahahaha – This is why you’re one of my favorites.

    kate – Yes, yes they are. Heroes with donuts.

    kiala – Feel free.

    sarah – Great idea! You are smart.

    meghan – I like it. Put it on a bumper sticker.

    dan – Beer is always, always a good thing.

    cici – Hahaha – Good point.

  23. Oh, man. Definitely a good idea. My first box can be custard filled, and I’ll be expecting it soon. kthx!

  24. When they built a Dunkin’ Donuts next to my workplace, I knew that God loved me.

  25. Patricia

    I just found this blog… I’ve had a really bad week, but this post really made me laugh. 🙂

  26. i would do anything for a box of choc donuts right now. ANYTHING!

  27. megkathleen

    O.M.G. I LUUUVVV Donuts – you’re right. It is the answer to all of life’s problems. AND unlike booze does not quickly turn around and become the cause of life’s problems. You = Smart.

  28. poodlegoose – Done and done.

    underpaid – He was smiling on you, that’s for sure.

    patricia – Thanks!

    julie – Anything??? So scandalous!

    megkathleen – Hahaha – that’s the problem with alcohol, it can easily turn from a hug fest into a slug fest – depending on the amount of shots taken.

  29. I cannot tell you how sound a laugh this post dragged outta me.

  30. Hahaha, I LOVE your idea of getting rid of bush. It would for sure work too. There isn’t anything a nice box of mini powdered doughnuts can’t fix.

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