making it

The deal: I’m gonna be live blogging my day at jury duty. Fun!

8:35 – Problems. First – the room I’m in doesn’t have any outlets, and Ari’s laptop dies without being plugged in the entire time you’re using it. Second – “Juror Orientation Video” is showing on the one TV in here. I’m willing to bet this will not be an entertaining video. Also, seeing as how I’m in a huge fucking room, there was absolutely no reason for this woman to sit right behind me. I’m going to call her FAT, even though she’s not, in hopes that she’s reading over my shoulder.

9:00 – Ed Bradley is hosting the video. Isn’t he dead? I think he’s dead. Also, I feel like I’m in 7th grade, watching one of those videos in biology class that no one pays attention to. I wonder if anyone will pass notes with me? I heard that Jimmy likes Kathy. Really!

9:32 – The video is over. Thank god. No one has come in here and said a word to us yet. It’s been almost an hour. Now that the video has ended, everyone is getting restless. I think the guy in front of me is even eyeing the Fritos in the vending machine. I swear I will slit his throat to get them before he does come lunch time.

10:00 – A Person Of Authority has just given us a bunch of instructions on what’s going to happen. She then gave anyone who thought they could get out of jury duty, the chance to plead their case. As you can imagine, there was a stampede of people. Including those that were lining up to say they didn’t understand English, even though the instructions were given – in English.

10:28 – And now we wait. We just got told that we can go to the bathroom if we sign out, but otherwise we have to sit and wait to be called in to get interviewed by the lawyers on the case. After the interview, the lawyers decide if they want us on their jury. I think when I walk into the interview room, I’ll point at the first person I see and yell, “Is that him?? Oh damn! He’s guilty as a motherfucker! Look at him! He’s guilty! He knows it too! I see you playa! You’re not gettin’ away with it this time!” We’ll see what the lawyers think about me then.

11:03 – Okay. It’s only eleven and I think I might kill myself. I also have an increasingly bad situation on my hands: Ari’s laptop is dying. So while I have wireless, the laptop may die before the day is over. My iPhone is no help because while it makes me look much Cooler Than Most People, I can’t edit my blog on it. There are no outlets in this entire fucking room! Not one. Well, there is one, but it’s at the front underneath the TV that played that horrible video. I don’t think I want to be on display for everyone in here, so I’m gonna have to try and figure something out. Or maybe I could just sit up front, plug in the laptop, and declare to the room of angry people, “I’m live blogging this, so anyone really ugly or otherwise kinda interesting, please step forward so I can see you and then make fun of you.”

11:09 – That fucker got the only bag of Fritos. Also, someone is eating tuna. Perfect. Please stink up the entire room with your food. Thank you for making me hate humanity.

11:44 – They just picked the first batch of people to get interviewed. I wasn’t picked. I wonder what made them pick certain people? I bet I didn’t get picked because there’s an apostrophe in my last name. People hate my apostrophe. They always leave it out of things with my name on it, and I hate it. The apostrophe is part of my fucking name! Leaving it out is like spelling Smith – “Mith.” It’s not correct! Whenever I tell people how to spell my last name, I always stress the apostrophe part. “O, APOSTROPHE, S…” When they look up at me in astonishment for doing this, I grin and say, “Oh good, you got the apostrophe. I’m Irish.”

12:22 – The room is beginning to resemble a battlefield after a war. There are the brutally injured, but somehow still alive (me), and there are the dead bodies (several people who are snoring). Surveying the scene, you can see the looks of utter desperation in people’s eyes. And I swear the Hasidic guy in front of me is whispering prayers that have to do with bringing the swift hand of death down upon him. Or maybe he just wants a snack.

1:50 – Just got back from lunch. They excused me and some other people early to go, which doesn’t seem like a good sign. Ari said that the people who don’t get picked right away end up just having to come back and wait longer to get picked – so my plan was to try and get chosen early. When the Person Of Authority comes back, I plan on smiling at her really, really big. Hopefully this will convince her to pick me to get interviewed. Though it might just get me a date with a woman in her mid-forties whose idea of dressing up is tucking in her sweater. I think Ari will be cool with that.

2:11 – Ever notice how whenever you’re in one of these types of situations, there’s always some dude who thinks he has the inside scoop on the process? There’s a guy two rows in front of me whispering to a woman about how he “knows what’s going to happen.” No you don’t you fucking asshole. You’re just like the rest of us – completely in the dark until someone clues us in on everything. You’re not special you stupid fucking idiot. If you were, then you wouldn’t even be here right now. I think I might punch this guy in the forehead.

2:39 – All these people who work here keep filtering in and out of the room. They just saunter in, not a care in the world, and then saunter right back out. It must be nice not to hate life right now. And yes, those people were sauntering – something that I’m pretty sure only People Who Suck can do.

3:04 – Oh my god!!! I’m getting let go!  Can you believe it??? I don’t have to serve and I don’t have to come back for another eight years!  Everybody now: “God bless America, home of the brave!  God guide her, and other stuff!  Onward to victory!”  I’m pretty sure that’s how that song goes.  Right?


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55 responses to “making it

  1. That’s funny! I guess i’ll be checking back to see how your day progresses. Let me know if FAT girl reads your post!


  2. tiff

    how fun does this sound? She’s probably fat and smells bad (you can tell her I said so)

  3. Betcha fatty was hoping you’d pop on a DVD. Open up a bunch of porn sites and she’ll probably go away. Or, the day will get a lot more interesting…

  4. Do u think this is boring 2? Check 1:
    [ ] Yes
    [ ] No
    [ ] Maybe

  5. There’s only ONE bag of Fritos in the vending machine? Surely you’re kidding.

  6. Marcos

    Dude, I dare you to pull a Larry David and say that you can’t be impartial due to your racial biases.

  7. I told you about that video! Diane Sawyer is such a sell out.

  8. Oh man, my condolences. I just served as a juror on a criminal trial that lasted a full week.

    The perks:
    Soda was only 75 cents in the vending machine, and I got to eat in Chinatown every day (I’m in Manhattan).

  9. I’m going to keep hitting refresh all day. This is getting good. Too bad you don’t live in Manhattan for the Chinatown lunch. Stop reading this, FAT, it’s not about you!

  10. i have never had to go to jury duty (i was called once when i was still in college so i got out of it). but at least you have wireless…can you imagine if (gasp) there was no internet?

  11. crissyspage

    I love Fritos in a way that’s not even right.

  12. This is such a great idea. Absolute gold.

    Knock ’em dead, tiger! (Isn’t that how we encourage potential jurists?)

  13. crissyspage

    I agree with Marcos. You should absolutely tell the lawers how you feel about the Blacks and the Hispanics.

    You’ll be home watching the Price is Right in an hour.

  14. I’m thinking about that movie- 12 Angry men, where there is that one asshole juror who makes them all stay in the jury room forever because he keeps making them change their minds about if the guy is guilty or not. You have the ability to persuade, the force is strong with you…dont pass up this opportunity.

  15. Dude! Blogspot wouldn’t let me post from the courthouse due to the firewalls there. Hurrah for you.

    Also, there are outlets by the big pillars on the side. I used dem. Have fun!

  16. ashley

    Oh gosh. TUNA! I feel your pain. I think you’d be better off jumping out the nearest window but please refrain from doing this because I love your blog too much.

  17. diva – she wants to, I can feel it.

    tiff – I did. She said she hates your shoes. She’s evil and fat!

    Benjamin – good idea!

    cici – haha- and yes, only one!

    Marcos – I love that man. A genius.

    Ari – I know. As bad as you said it’d be.

    Drunkbrunch – oh dear god. A week??? You are amazing for making it through that. Even with the cheap pop.

    Noelle – she’s such a BITCH.

    Erin – I wouldve been one of those people acting like I didn’t understand English if there was no wireless.

    Kristen – yeah, I’d love to be watching that right now.

    Mickey – I think its more like “hang them high!”

    Matt – whatever gets me back to my apt.

    jessica – yeah, I can’t comment on blogger. And there aren’t any in this room!

    Ashley – I will stay. But only for my readers! You’re too kind.

  18. crissyspage

    Tuna is obnoxious.

  19. melissalion

    To get out of jury duty, I once said a member of my family was dying from cancer. It was true. And the woman narrowed her eyes at me and asked if I was the primary caretaker. I was not, thank god because sick people scare me. And then I started crying and she told me to report back in a year. And then I moved to Oregon. I’m just saying, you’re welcome here. You and Ari can sleep in my laundry room.

  20. My previous employers got me out of jury duty by writing a letter stating how integral my position was and they could not do without me for even one day. Six months later? They laid me off.

    Also, I feel your pain about the laptop battery. Mine is the same way. It sucks because I always want to write at a coffee shop or a bar or something so people will know I’m a writer and think I’m awesome and buy me drinks and throw their panties at me and give me drugs.

    What? This happens right? RIGHT?

  21. hahaha this is great. I feel so privileged that…I’ve never gotten jury duty. Hopefully you don’t get picked!!

  22. I’ve been lucky getting dismissed everytime when I was in school. Holding on to that luck since I haven’t been summoned yet after graduating 2 yrs ago….. 😛 (ne-ner ne-ner!) haha!

    Keep us posted…this is entertaining !!

  23. i got selected yesterday for grand jury duty over the summer….found out on friday. fucking brilliant.

    you have totally inspired me to live blog the whole damn thing. its the feds though, so hopefully i dont get arrested.

    ps i can’t believe he got the fritos.

  24. I’m more or less in tears at work because of this post. I award you 10 points for awesomeness.

  25. This is great. We need video. Set up a webcam stat. Unlike Heidi I hope you do get picked so you can live blog an actual case. I’m looking out for the best interests of this blog.

  26. At least you found some humor in the day. Here in Atlanta, I keep telling them I’ll be in school for the next 4 years. No jury duty yet! lol

  27. Atlanta caught me a few months ago…it was the worst! The jail cell/juror holding room was about 32 degrees. Some woman decided to be my friend and tell me her life story. There was a crackish looking woman mumbling to herself in the corner. There was a man behind me who was snoring so loud the whole room started staring at him. There was some African man who was cursing to himself. Someone had tuna (or lived with fish) and stunk up the place. I sat in the room all day, only to be picked and then told our jury pool wasn’t diverse enough…bastards!

  28. kristen – I knew you were gonna say that!

    melissa – Really, you mean it? Wait – do people in Portland like sports?

    kiala – I know the panties part is true. Happens all the time to me.

    legally – Consider yourself a blessed person.

    allie – Oh, your time is coming! You better dread opening up your mail box! And thanks. I am at my readers’ disposal.

    ashley – Grand Jury??? Oh no, I bet that’s twice as bad as this. And I know, Fritos snatching asshole.

    bigtime – Thanks! 10 is clearly the most I’ve ever received.

    rs27 – Thanks. Yeah, I’ll do it too. I just hope they don’t mind me occasionally looking at porn.

    coop – Good idea. Stay in school!

    boogiemonsta – Damn, at least I don’t have a woman cursing himself. Not yet at least.

  29. strangehappypeople

    Did your laptop die? Hopefully you brought a book!

  30. Is the laptop dead? No updates… Plug it in and start the auditions rolling for content. Start with the FAT EVIL one.

  31. If nothing else, I will be taking my laptop to jury duty as a result of this post, should I ever be summoned. I don’t think it would have occurred to me before.

    Hang in there, man. You’re actually making me happy I’m at work instead of serving justice. F that.

  32. I’ve been bored at work a lot today, and I keep hitting refresh, and there’s something new about jury duty. This is great. Can you take pictures of the guy before and after you punch him?

  33. I was on jury duty once for 9 days. This was good because I didn’t like my job at the time so I was happy to miss it.

    But it doesn’t sound like you want that…

  34. I never registered to vote in Baltimore City to avoid jury duty. I finally bit the bullet and am just hoping to never get called.

  35. Uh oh. You only have up until 2:39. I really, really hope I don’t get called in for duty any time soon.

  36. I am glad that someone is finally depicting jury duty in such a delightful way – how God intended. You sound truly joyful!

    Carry on.

  37. Congrats! Glad you had an eventful (and entertaining) jury duty day.

    And that it doesn’t have to be repeated.

  38. What is with bloggers and jury duty lately? Drunkbrunch just served, Todd (and his wife!) are going soon, and I’m going in May. Weird!!!!

  39. Dammit! You didn’t have to serve?

    I demand a recount. Can we do that?

  40. Congrats on being released…wow, sounds like you were in jail or something….well I guess jury duty is pretty close to the same thing!! haha!

    Hope you can make some fun out of the rest of your day!

  41. strangehappy & meghan – There are updates, please read on.

    mickey – Yeah, you should do it too. In fact, everyone should, it makes passing the time easier – well, less painful.

    noelle – Thanks. And I’m not sure, but I don’t think he’d be willing to post for pre or post punch pics.

    hollywood – No way. That was horrible. Worst day of my life. Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic.

    mrstwink – You have to vote! C’mon!

    poodlegoose – Start saying your prayers.

    mindy – Yes. Much joy was had.

    lauren – Thanks, and yes, not for at least 8 years. I’ll probably be President by then and I won’t have to do it.

    brooklyngal – They’re targeting us for our supreme intelligence.

    rs27 – No.

    allie – Thanks. It was the same thing as jail. Only in jail, at least they give you bread and water. Do they still do that?

  42. re:8:35, whats the deal with current laptops not working if unplugged for longer then 20 minutes?
    @10.28 I’d really enjoy doing Jury Service. I’d have that attitude.
    @12:22 Actually I’d probably be snoring instead of finding everyone guilty.
    @1:50 I like Ari’s thinking of “if you arent picked early, youll be picked later on.” It has a bittersweet sense about it.

  43. melissalion

    By the grace of god…

    Congrats! I mean, shame on you for not doing your duty.

  44. haha your jury duty sounds way more interesting than mine, glad you survived.

  45. “Ever notice how whenever you’re in one of these types of situations, there’s always some dude who thinks he has the inside scoop on the process?”

    LMAO! Dude, every single situation I have ever been in which I’m trapped with a bunch people has that “one dude” or pseudo-intellectual. You just want to be like, “shut yo damn, fool”

  46. notsojenny

    you’re lucky… when i got my notice to serve it strictly said you couldn’t even bring cell phones or laptops into the building. luckliy i never had to actually serve, but boy was i NOT looking forward to it. your play by play is exactly what i imagined… but just be happy that you had a laptop

  47. Seriously: who eats tuna in a closed room full of strangers? Nothing says “I don’t give a fuck what you think of me” like a sloppy pile of fish and mayo.

  48. You should have showed up in a T-Shirt that said “No fat chicks”. They would have dismissed you immediately. Success!

  49. melissa – I know! Sometimes good things happen to me.

    katelin – It was brutal, so I imagine yours was even worse. That makes me feel for you.

    kiera – Yes.

    notsojenny – Damn, that would’ve been terrible. I was glad to have wireless, it was a blessing.

    nancypearl – Yup. Not a care. Of course, I usually am the same way, so…

    dan – Next time I will do that for sure.

  50. idontliketoread

    best blog I’ve ever read, I just never went when I got the jury duty letter thing, they sent harrasing letters for like a year, and then just stopped, I’m a great citizen!

  51. I am hoping I never have to go to jury duty ever.

  52. tiff

    free at last, free at last FREE AT LAST!

  53. you are one of my absolutely favorite bloggers because you have this strange ability to change my “lol” to a really loud laugh out loud.. in real life.

    Those “in the scoop” people? I agree – a punch in the forehead should do it. You’re classy. I would want to punch him in the neck.

    hmmm I wonder if FAT girl DID read… *curious*

  54. idont – Hahaha thanks man. Way to dodge The Man!

    deutlich – My prayers are with you, it is soooo boring.

    tiff – Yes!

    jemi – Thanks! You know, you’re right, a punch in the neck would be more effective, so next time I’m going with your idea.

  55. lolafunk

    Is your last name O’Shea?

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