here comes the groom

As a man in a Long Term Relationship, I realize that there will come a day – a day that has not been set yet – that I must get married.

And I’m fine with this.

Really, any dude in a Long Term Relationship is already married, we just don’t have the paperwork yet.

The thing that I’m not fine with, is having to wear a ring.

I don’t want a ring.  Why?  Oh, I don’t know – maybe because I’m not a woman or in an Emo band, so I don’t wear jewelry.

Why should I start wearing some once I get married?

I see the looks on newly wifed-up dudes, they’re not happy with having to wear a ring.

Me: [Looking at the ring] “So, what, you gotta wear that thing like all the time right?”

Wifed-up Dude: [Looks down at the ring, then at the floor] “Uh, yeah.”


[My brain is thinking]

Me: [With a confused expression] “Even when..”

Wifed-up Dude: [Cutting me off, still looking at the floor] “All the time man.  All the time.”

Me: [Still confused] “Well.  That just doesn’t seem right to me.”

[Wifed-up Dude looks up at me, shrugs his shoulders, and accepts defeat]

Of course me being Resourceful and Full Of Solutions, I know what to do about this – I’ll have a card.

It’s perfect right?

It’ll be a card that has all my vital information on it, my name, address and a photo of myself.  Then in bold print it’ll state at the top “This Man Is Married.  Please Report Any Funny Business.”  Of course the number to report Incidents to will be Ari’s.

Also, the card will be laminated, because we all know that things that are laminated are Very Important.

This is what I want – a simple card to carry in my money clip saying that I’m married – not a ring.

I’ve suggested this idea to Ari multiple times, but for some reason, she is Not Receptive and tends to give me the “you’ve said something stupid again” look whenever I bring it up.

But I haven’t given up on it, because I think this is a Good Idea, and I never give up on those.


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61 responses to “here comes the groom

  1. I’m of the opinion that guys shouldn’t have to wear wedding bands if they don’t want to. Women want to wear them not necessarily as a sign of being married but because we all love the bling, obviously.

  2. I think there are a lot of guys who don’t wear wedding bands. And if there is trust, which there should be in a marriage, you shouldn’t have to.

  3. notsojenny

    my mom had rings made of her (white gold) and my dad’s (gold) wedding bands. it’s a pretty simple ring but it’s the two bands inter linked and soddered(sp?) together. it looks beautiful. i know a few couples where the man doesn’t wear a ring and every time i look at my ring i think it’s perfect for that situation. because if the hubby doesn’t want to wear a ring he shouldn’t have to but then she can wear both of theirs. if you’d like a picture of my ring to sell her on this idea, that’s easy

    otherwise, good luck. not sure the card is gonna’ fly… but it took some thought and that’s impressive : )
    worst case scenario is you “lose” the ring shortly after the wedding and point out that it doesn’t make sense to buy another one as you’ll probably “lose” that one too

  4. I think you should give up on your idea. Sorry.

    Personally, I think rings on men are sexy. SOME rings. Not wedding rings (I’m not an adulterous whore, I just play one on my blog), and not like men’s cocktail rings with diamonds and shit in them either. I’m talking about just plain artsy stuff.

    What if you chose an artsy ring?

    Ps: I think you should marry Ari. I read her blog now.
    She’s super cute.

  5. Jesse’s completely the opposite. He’s stoked to get his own ring, and wishes he had one. He went to drinks with a married dude last night and was jealous he had a ring.

    I suppose his band is kinda emo, though.

  6. Aw. Of course Ari’s. But really, you get used to it. I never wear jewelry, and I mean never. I have a ringy ring now, and it’s like I can’t even feel it anymore. It just takes a little getting used to. So, maybe if you get a thinner band or something, you’ll be fine. 🙂

  7. Best of luck!

    (laughs under breath, HA never going to work…)

  8. You could probably market those…I like the customer service line aspect of it all. Maybe even a Sheriff Badge style for quick access out on the town and you’re in business.

  9. My dad has never worn a ring and he has been married for 40 years. It seems to work for him. Perhaps I will introduce this card suggestion to my mother and see what she thinks.

  10. soooo you don’t want to have to wear a ring so that if you meet a hot chick she won’t know you’re married? because that’s how some girls brains work…
    my ex didn’t wear jewellery so he was going to go for a tattoo on his ring finger when he got married… it wasn’t to me but hey ho!

  11. arielle – You women and your bling. Damn it all.

    dutchess – Sing it sister!

    notsojenny – It did take some thought, thank-you. And yeah, it’s gonna be a tough sell.

    kristen – The problem is that I’m not so artsy. Okay, obviously I am stubborn and immature as well, but I don’t like to think about that. And thanks for reading Ari’s blog! She is cute, I agree.

    jessica – Hmmm… This “jesse” person, does he “exist in real life?”

    poodlegoose – That’s what they always say, but I’m just not sure.

    each – It’ll work! I have determination and other stuff.

    benjamin – Yes! I like the sheriff badge idea. We need to network.

    lissa – Do it, and if she thinks it’s a good idea, please give me a small donation. Or maybe some candy.

    pinkjelly – A tattoo? No way. I’m too much of a wuss to do that.

  12. yeah…i’m going to go ahead and have to agree with Ari on this one. i’d want my husband to wear a wedding band and not hold a laminated card like kindergarden kid on the first day of school with his bus info on it so he doesn’t get on the wrong bus.

    but i will concede that it is an innovative idea. good luck with that

  13. Idea: a ring tan instead of a ring. Just make a little ring out of masking tape, submerge your hand in insta-tan and remove tape. Voila.

  14. The card idea is fantastic. Maybe you could pin it to your shirt. Right in the middle of your chest. Awesome!

  15. Wear it. Small price to pay for the woman you love. I’m sure she has and will make some sacrifices for you. My husband didn’t want to wear one either but he does – 25 years later, he still has it on.

  16. Who’s idea was it that to signify marriage you had to wear a ring. Bret Michaels? Because that dude loves jewelry.

    Next thing you know women are going to want to sign papers and stuff to make it official. This is getting out of control.

  17. Not all dudes wear wedding rings.

    But Ari is the boss, so you might haha. Sorry, Chris!

  18. I think this might catch on. Really, I don’t know any non-homosexual dudes that voluntarily wear rings besides their wedding band. You could have a million dollar idea right here, second only to my birth control advent calendars.

  19. Really if you think about it (which, undoubtedly you have)- the whole idea of wearing a ring is stupid. What’s even stupider is when a guy gets a tattoo of a ring or something ring-shaped on their ring finger. Give me a break.

    Ive gotten talked into wearing one before- probably will happen again unless I come up with a really good excuse why I cant…any ideas?

  20. Marcos

    Dude, I want a card!

  21. I already told you you can have a card. You just have to tape it to your forehead.

  22. ashley – Damn. You just put me in my place.

    jack – I like it!

    melissa – I’d prefer it on the side, but either way.

    lynne – Poor guy.

    rs27 – Hahaha – Yeah, really, Bret – you’re not on stage anymore! No need for the eyeliner anymore bro!

    jamie – You’re right. I am clearly not the boss.

    nancypearl – We should go into business together. I’ll have my people call your people. My people is me, by the way.

    matt – Yes, rings are stupid. And lets see… Start convulsing and say you’re allergic. Maybe a tad dramatic, but it’ll be effective.

    marcos – It’s in the mail!

    ari – Our love is dying.

  23. Ok, Dane and I have the exact opposite problem.

    He could not WAIT to get rings and wear his around and he never forgets to put it on and I’m all like, meh, about it. It’s not that I don’t want people to know I’m married – I DO want them to know.

    I just forget to put it on because I’ve never been a ring person and also, I have surprisingly small fingers for a 5’8″ish person. They’re like a 5 and if I don’t eat anything salty my rings tend to just fly off when I’m drunkenly gesticulating.

    So we argue about it all the time. I think he thinks I’m doing it on purpose, subconsciously.

  24. Completely with you on this one. I don’t do shiny adornments at all. Necklaces and rings are for guys who wear color-coordinated sweatsuits and hit their women.

    Also, as another long-term not-married guy, I’m really not looking forward to the inevitable “ring fight.” Your card idea may just give me an out.

  25. I just appreciate the way you capitalize Important Words.

  26. I have 2 possible solutions here:

    1) My dad hasn’t worn a ring in the entire 30 year my parents have been married. My mom is okay with this because he used to be a farmer, and one time my dad told a story about some other farmer whose finger was RIPPED OFF by some farm machinery because of that damned ring. You could go into farming is what I’m saying and then you’d be Off the Hook because certainly Ari won’t want you disfigured!

    2) A tattoo! A ring-like tattoo on your ring finger! You won’t feel it on your hand but it’s still there saying “This Man is Married, Please Report Any Funny Business”.

  27. the ring? visible from the beginning. people know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are off the market.

    the card? you actually have to pull it out to show people. which means it’s not an immediate sign.. which could potentially lead to “funny business.”

    methinks you should just suck it up and wear the ring.

  28. ps: that’s not to imply funny business would happen it’s just the way a woman’s mind works

    well.. some women’s


    shutting up.

  29. You could make your ring could be completely and utterly awesome. A friend is getting married and he said that the only way he’d wear the ring (he has a problem with jewelry, like you) is if it has the important phrase from Lord of the Rings inscribed on it. So his ring will rule the all.

    He’s kind of a dork.

    And she’s kind of going along with it.

    Also, I concur…all things laminated ARE important.

  30. hollywoodsucker

    My friend who is newly married is always taking his ring off and fidgeting with it. It drives me nuts. I wish he just wouldn’t bother wearing it at all.

    Have you offered to get her name tattooed across your chest as an alternative?

  31. That silly girl.

    My brother won’t wear his wedding band. He wants to get one tattooed on, which I find to be a nice compromise. He doesn’t have to wear a ring, but people still know he’s married.

    The hotline to report Funny Business damn near made me wet myself.

    Also, are there two arielles who read your blog, one of which you’re dating? Because that’s just enough to confuse the hell out of me.

  32. Hey, if my boyfriend told me he wanted to tattoo my face over his face so people would know we were married I’d be all for it, and thats because the mere mention of marriage makes him instantly vomit. Rings aren’t even on the radar of marriage issues with us.

  33. kiala – That’s weird to me – a dude who would want to wear a ring. Also, a woman who is “meh” about it. So to sum up I think you’re both weird.

    mickey – Good luck my friend. You’re going to need it.

    fort knocks – Thank You.

    mindy – Hahaha – you know something funny? When I was in high school, my friends and I wanted to become farmers. Our logic behind this was so that we could grow a bunch of pot.

    deutlich – No need to shut-up, you’re probably right. I like to whine about Mature Subjects.

    lauren – Maybe I could get a little picture of Batman on mine. That’d be kinda cool.

    hollywood – No I haven’t, but that would result in me taking off my shirt, thus Enticing The Ladies even more, so maybe that’s not a good idea.

    thatsilly – Thanks. And yeah there are two Arielle’s. Ari (girlfriend) is Couch Cubicle on my blog roll. Arielle is Good Things Come To Those Who Whine on the blogroll. Yeah, it can be confusing.

    kelly – Hahaha – vomitting at the mention of marriage is not usually a good sign.

  34. My parents have been married 36 years, and my dad has never worn a ring. I think he had the same sissy fears. I only like wearing rings on my middle finger, it gives me extra bling when I flip off people.

    I hate traditions sometimes.

  35. I wouldn’t marry a guy who didn’t want to wear his ring. They’re sexy.

  36. strangehappypeople

    Ha, how does your girlfriend feel about this?

  37. B2G

    “Wifed-up dude.” Hahaha…

  38. I like the ring. Wear the ring.

    It really helps us single girls out… Although if you pin the card to your chest as Melissa suggested, that might be even better. Get that trend going and it will save me from having to do the whole “right or left” scenario in my head.

    I still have to pretend I’m writing to figure it out, for sure, and by then the dude has already gotten on bus.

    Its a learning disability. That will leave me barren and unable to pass along my gimpy gene…

  39. How d’you feel about wedding brass knuckles?

    Stylish and a great way to deal with an unruly children’s table at the reception. Think about it!

  40. My boyfriend was married (before) and he enjoyed wearing his ring. took him “forever to find” and he wondered if he could wear it again should he get married. I said no 🙂 Seems to me that women have a more sentimental and/OR materialistic attachment to rings. Personally, I hurt myself with rings and am not a huge fan. I think some women want the man to where it so it’s CLEAR to everyone he’s “taken… for good.” and I think there are some men that think about marriage along the same lines as women, or have found someone they are so excited about that wearing a ring and being married is more important to them then most men who feel like every women is just out to get hitched to them. Does that make sense? No? Oh well…

    But to clarify… my boyfriend is not emo… I would say “metro sexually confused” because he’s a man’s man, but accessorizes more than me. Then again… I’m a bit of a tom boy.

  41. You better be glad that you aren’t dating a black woman. This conversation probably would have never happened. LOL

  42. Mi Neurosis wins for best comment. Brass knuckles. That’s funny.

    Sorry, I like to pretend other people’s blogs are my own and nominate comment winners.

    I’ll stop now.

  43. noelle – “sissy fears???” Hardly!

    stephanie – I’m sexy in other non-ring ways.

    strangehappy – She’s not really down with the idea. I don’t understand why.

    b2g – Yes, that’s the official term.

    oakland – Hahaha – It might be best to keep your gimpy gene to yourself.

    mineurosis – Yes, I am all about that idea. I’d get plenty use out of them on the train home when it’s so crowded I have my head in another dudes armpit.

    somechick – Metro sexually confused is a new one to me. Has he seen anyone about this problem?

    diva – I know. This is why Beyonce ended it with me. She misses me though. I know it!

    melissa – That’s quite alright. Feel free to take over completely. In fact, I’m just going to cut and paste your “about me” in place of mine and you can start posting and everyone will be happy because it’s no longer a “writer” writing these posts but an actual Writer. This will, of course, cause me to drink even more than I do now.

  44. Keef

    Yea, I got an enormous ring that apparently can be blasted with a shotgun and not scratch….you teased me with the headline, I thought you took the plunge

  45. While I enjoy the idea of some sort of card or badge (!), I think ultimately the ring is less likely to appear to be something that you could pick up at Spencer’s Gifts or somesuch. Not that the card would be anything short of awesome, but I think the potential for dismissal of the card’s authority by any perpetrators of the aforementioned funny business might doubt the card’s authenticity.

  46. What if it was an activator ring like a superhero? Would you wear it then?

  47. Ben just pointed me to this post because I wrote about buying a fake engagement ring to wear on photo assignments so more people would have the idea to stay away. But this idea is great! It definitely makes me smile.

  48. tia

    haha i love how in your world the only people who wear jewelry are either in an emo band or women.

    i know lots of guys who don’t wear their rings (my husband included on workdays) and i think it’s a matter of personal preference.

    actually, one night me and the Hubs went out to a bar, and i was wearing my ring and he forgot his, and i got hit on like 7 times, cuz the guys figured i was married but just not to him.

    something to consider. =)

  49. haha, you always crack me up.

    i think you’d have to have that card pinned to your shirt or something. that could work?

  50. idontliketoread

    what about a cock ring? i wear those all the time!

  51. There’s nothing poor about my guy.

  52. I heard that married guys get hit on more then single guys here in NYC. As soon as I got married I started flashing the ring as much as possible to see what happened.

    Know what happened? Nothing! I used to get hit on all the time! So either:

    – the women I see have morals, or
    – I got a lot uglier this last year.

  53. You could attach your laminated card onto a lanyard, and wear it around your neck. Maybe Ari will approve of that.

  54. keef – Oh no, not yet man. And shit, you know I’ll be calling you when it happens.

    megan – Are you a lawyer? That was the fanciest comment I’ve ever got!

    meghan – Of course! I’d wear two.

    stylish – Thanks. And yeah, that’s just another reason I’m glad I’m not a woman, I never have to deal with creepy dudes hitting on me.

    tia – Hmmm…. That’s true….

    katelin – Thanks. I’ll pin it to my shirt, sure. Whatever works.

    idont – That is so nasty I don’t even know what to say.

    lynne – Touchy, touchy! You have to realize I am never to be taken seriously. Except at funerals. And even then, if I don’t really know the dead person, I might be making fun of his hair.

    dan – Have you met “Idon’tliketoread?”

    todd – Hahaha – I hope it’s neither of those answers man.

    larissa – I will pass this idea by her.

  55. My husband bought me a beautiful engagement ring and wedding band. In fact, he spent all the money he had on those two little things.

    How do I repay him?

    I never wear the damn things!

    He does everything in his though. Go figure. To each his own.

  56. tiff

    i thought I commented here. easy solution: tattoos.

    Also, haven’t you blown up – blogwise! congrats!

  57. ashley

    Here is yet another ‘you’ve said something stupid look’. Ha. Just suck it up and be a man.. 🙂

  58. I’m sort of in love with this post. And with you having a “my girlfriend puts up with a lot” tag.

  59. rebecca – I’m sure he’s very happy about that.

    tiff – I know, but I just can’t do tattoos. If I got a tattoo I’d have to grow a beard or something else manly and then there’d be no stopping it. And thanks!

    ashely – But I don’t wanna be a man!

    nicole – Thanks! I absolutely must have that tag, it just makes sense. Because I realize that I am a complete ass, and anyone that can put up with me for as long as she has deserves a medal or Something Really Great. Maybe brownies.

  60. Hi, i’ve got photos of my new emo hair style

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