man weekend

Ari is going out of town for the weekend, which means that I get to act like the animal I was truly meant to be.

These are moments that make men feel truly alive!

The dishes will not get done right after every meal – they will sit and collect mold until ten minutes before Ari gets home!

Clothing???

Hah! Men were not meant to wear clothing! I will roam the apartment in nothing but my boxers from sun up to sun down.

The TV shall be tuned to these channels: ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNNEWS and CBS (for March Madness) and there will be no changing it from them! Except for porn.

I will not wipe the crumbs off of the table after consuming whatever wild beast happens to perish at my hands! This may or may not be pasta, but that pasta will not know what hit it when I come looking for it!

The toilet seat will remain up, because men do not need the toilet seat down! Unless we are reading, which happens to be a lot.

I will laugh heartily at my shower this weekend! It will not be seeing the likes of me anytime soon. Save your cleansers for another poor sap!

Beer will be drank and the cans (not bottles you fools!) will be tossed at will!

When I am out, I will not fear the “That’s enough Chris” statement! I will make fun of people until I pass out!

The music that will be played will be gully as gully can be!

Yes, this weekend Jack and I – the Men Of The Apartment – will rule the land with an iron fist. He will bark at Inappropriate Times, I will cheer him and we will be the men we were meant to be!

Until Sunday night.

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45 Comments

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45 responses to “man weekend

  1. what do you call the time period on Sunday in which you wipe away any evidence that you ever had a man weekend before Ari arrives home?

  2. Green. With. Envy.

    I reckon there should be some sort of Mens Holiday were we can just get drunk, watch sport and play video games without being made to feel guilty.

  3. My boyfriend always tells me that he is gonna “go be men” when him and his friends go out.

    I say, okay baby, as long as you get that out of your system by the time I see you next. Cool.

  4. HAHAHA I can’t even imagine what you’re like out and about town sans a propriety censor.

  5. I think the “my girlfriend puts up with a lot” tag would have been appropriate here.

    And Jack is not a man. He’s a pup.

  6. I’m stuck for words because I’m laughing.

    A lot.

  7. ashley

    I think I’ll have to tell my boyfriend to keep his man weekend details to himself (when he has one).

    Those words were not for the eyes of a women to read..haha jk. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

  8. I find myself wondering why you have a girlfriend if her not being around is so appealing?

  9. Bahaha the posts are even better now that I know that your girlfriend reads AND comment on them. Hats off to you both.

  10. notsojenny

    you’re going to have a shit-lot of cleaning to do on sunday. that’s the part i imagine that makes me laugh. you talking to jack while you’re running around making sure the place looks good before she walks through the door…
    ah, men.

  11. You forgot about the part where you’re naked and you stand with one foot on the bed and talk to the mirror about My Little Pony because you’re practicing for your man time at the gym.

  12. Sounds like life at my crib

  13. I expect a full run down of the weekend on my desktop 1st thing monday morning!

    Oh and you can leave out the moldy dishes part….just gross!!

    Ari – you put up with a lot girl!! haha!

  14. Don’t lie- once the channel is changed to porn you’ll forget all about the basketball.

    See, I’m not gonna miss a single basket because my girlfriend, though she hates basketball, hates porn even more, so an unsteady balance will be struck somewhere between Gilmore Girls and an all-out porn-a-thon, with March Madness laying precisely at the center. I will have to wear clothes, though.

  15. Should I just start calling you Tucker Max right now? I feel like Ari is going to regret her weekend getaway when she gets back.

  16. I always joke that when my guy returns from being out of town, he will find my crouched in the corner covered in my own feces. We have a bit of a roll reversal thing going on. Mainly, I am the disgusting animal and he is the one that keeps things under control …and clean.

  17. I think we needed,

    “We doth but men….AHHHH…..AHHH…..AHH.”

    Something along those lines. The fact that you’re actually going to wear boxers shows some restraint on your part. I’d be free-balling.

  18. Aside from the hanging around in boxers (he, well, you know, doesn’t like them), and the sports channels, my husband does a lot of that stuff even when I’m home!

    Obviously Ari is better at housebreaking boys than I am.

    You betta clean all that shit up before she gets home.

  19. tiff – Sad Time.

    robbie – Yes! Let’s do this.

    jamie – Yes, that is what we do. We roam and conquer and hunt and then we come home for hugs.

    jessica – It’s not a good thing.

    ari – He is so a Man! You’ve seen his wang just like I have! And a Mighty Wang it is!

    deutlich – Thanks! That was the nicest thing you could’ve said/not-said.

    ashley – Thanks. And the boyfriend’s details will be fun to hear, I promise you.

    brooklyn gal – For regular sex of course!

    benjamin – Thanks. Yes, she reads every line. Sometimes with joy, sometimes with sadness.

    notsojenny – Hahaha – yeah, that will be pretty damn funny.

    melissa – Hahaha – I did didn’t I? You know me so well!

    cruz – Exactly. Men across the world can sympathize with this.

    allie – Done and done. Should I make foot notes?

    mickey – Hahaha – sounds like the perfect balance to me. I don’t know how anyone could hate porn. Well, I guess women have a point.

    nancypearl – Sure. But who is that?

    rebecca – Sounds like we need to hang out. But I’d like you to clean the shit off of you first.

    rs27 – I would let the boys run free, but that can be dangerous when cooking.

    kristen – It is going to be tough, but I will clean the apartment, leaving no trace of my fun.

  20. I’m predicting you wipe up those crumbs out of habit. Just a hunch. Civility will burst forth from your depths when you least expect it… and thoroughly screw with your head.

  21. Hell yes…keep it gangsta

  22. my boyfriend would be jealous, if he weren’t tunnel visioned on his fantasy draft day tomorrow.

  23. aimelina

    Hah, now I have to wonder if Devon makes these kinds of proclamations when I’m gone! (probably) He always jokes and says that it’s like having your parents gone for a weekend.. which is actually horribly disturbing now that I write it out.

  24. Damn! I’m truly jealous! I want a man weekend. I want to wrestle bears, and chop fire wood, and fart loudly without care, and smell said fart with a sense of pride, and poop with the door open, replace all liquids for comsumption with beer, and toss cans everywhere, and use a TV exclusively for a gaming console while the volume is close to max, and order in enough pizza on a friday that will last till sunday… damn! we men never truly get to be men all the time! it sux! AAAAAARRRGGGH!!! excuse me… i gotta go pick a fight in the office!

  25. Revel in it!
    But, why do you have to wear clothes when Ari is home? I walk around naked all the time…

  26. …whether The Boy is there or not.

  27. I dunno what to say because I can’t relate to being seriously manly.

    When I have the place to myself, I watch Sex and the City episodes and romantic comedies.

    It’s sad what cohabitation reduces us to.

  28. melissa – That would make me sad.

    matt – You know it!

    each – I’m sure he’s happy getting to do that though.

    aimelina – Hahaha – yes it is. Be scared.

    aaron – Hahaha – Do it!

    sassy – I don’t want to make Jack uncomfortable.

    hollywood – So I assume you’re ready to “Get Carried Away?” It’s actually pretty clever.

  29. This is weird. I was just watching a thing about “Mancations” on the Today Show and trying not to vomit in my own mouth.

    But you have at it mister. I totally watch porn when Dane is at work.

    Did I just type that outloud?

  30. tia

    oh to be a fly on that wall.

  31. You rebel. You big dangerous man.

  32. It would be absoultely terrifying if one day all the women of the world just disappeared. What would happen?!

    Oh well, I guess I wouldn’t be around to see it. It wouldn’t be pretty, though, I know that much.

  33. so that’s what my boyfriend does when i leave for the weekend, haha.

  34. You lucky bastard.

    I’m stuck going to some crappy club for jerks tonight then being dragged out to dinner with the friends tomorrow night. Boo-urns. I want to sit on my couch in my boxers and eat fish sticks and drink beer.

  35. b2g

    LOVED IT. Soon you shall be man-dooce. So sayeth B2G.

  36. idontliketoread

    good times are ahead.

  37. good times are ahead bro.

  38. RAWR!!! GRR!!! and yet as a single man, I get to do this every day. Bow before my slovenliness! haha

  39. Love it. I think you should scratch yourself A LOT over the next 48 hours.

  40. Hahahaha! You’re so whipped. Can I get tips on how to achieve this from your better half? Cheers.

  41. “The toilet seat will remain up, because men do not need the toilet seat down! Unless we are reading, which happens to be a lot.”

    … because one only reads when on the toilet.

  42. So, I’m not in a relationship, but now I know what the men I date are doing 15 minutes before I get over to their digs.

    Ha, enjoy your Man Weekend!

  43. kiala – “Mancations?” That sounds like heaven! And of course you do, what are you supposed to do – work?

    ernie – I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not, but I’m taking it as one.

    tia – As long as the fly is a dude. No women allowed.

    big time – That’s right! I’m about as dangerous as it gets.

    mindy – It wouldn’t be pretty, but there’d be a lot less nagging going on that’s for sure.

    katelin – This is an exact description.

    dan – Make up and excuse and catch the first flight to NY. Please bring extra fish sticks.

    b2g – Let the prophecy be fulfilled!

    idont – Eva Mendes called and said she’s running a little late, but will be here soon.

    idont – Eva Mendes called and said she’s running a little late, but will be here soon. Bro.

    mcbias – Enjoy it while it lasts man!

    kiraa – Doing so now. Too much?

    steph – Yes, please email her. But don’t listen to her when she tells you that I watch the Food Network when she wants to, it’s not true!

    robyn – I get some of my best reading done on the toilet. It’s like a superpower. Or maybe it’s just kinda odd.

    brookem – Yup, this about sums it up. And thanks, I am trying my best.

  44. Keef

    HAHA! Very solid post

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