extinguish the torch

I’ve been hearing a lot about the protests in China over the Olympics, and it made me start thinking.

Not about those protests or the human rights violations that China just adores, because I tend not to think about Things That Matter.

No, I started thinking about how much I hate the Olympics.

Seriously.  The Olympics are fucking weak.

They have all these amateur athletes competing in all these weird ass “sports.”

You know what amateur athletes are?  Athletes who aren’t good enough to be professionals – that’s what.  Oh, please let me watch a bunch of athletes who may or may not be as athletic as the bodega owner compete in sports no one could give a shit about.

Let’s review a couple of these “sports.”

Canoeing is one.  Fucking canoeing.  It’s two dudes in a boat.  And they’re not even drinking!  Who gets in a boat without any alcohol???  No one fun that’s for sure.

Then there’s Racewalking.  You read that right.  It’s walking – but really fast!  Wow!  They really wanted to draw the crowds with this one huh?  So what did they do, raid all the malls in America for competitors?  “Did you see the way that elderly woman whizzed by JC Penney’s???  Get her to China!”

And what’s the deal with Gold, Silver and Bronze winners?  Hey Olympics fuckers – here’s a newsflash for you:  If you didn’t actually win – that means you lost!  No one cares if you get second place!  You lost!  You want to see something pathetic – try watching someone show off a Silver medal to someone.  It’s fucking embarrassing.  “Oh, you almost won at the Olympics?  That’s really good.  That’s just very, nice.”

The Olympics are terrible and they just need to stop.

Maybe back in the day they were cool, when you could feed the losing athletes to lions or Something Interesting like that, but not anymore.

Now they are just worthless, and it pisses me off.

I’m going to Racewalk off this anger.

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33 Comments

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33 responses to “extinguish the torch

  1. I think my fav (read: least fav) Olympic sport is curling. People are essentially clearing the ice for a little puck type deal to move along? I’m going to rent some curlers and send them to my parents’ house in Jersey to clear the driveway after a snowstorm, methinks. Stupid.

  2. I think you’re just jealous because you don’t know how to ribbon dance.

  3. i was JUST about to leave a comment about curling. it is the strangest thing i’ve ever seen – i mean, i can sweep….and stand on ice skates. do i qualify? and how does someone decide to become a curler? is it a lifelong dream? do they pick up a broom in the kitchen one day and suddenly feel fulfilled? it troubles me.

  4. hahahah racewalk

    you’re funny! I love it!

    But seriously, the olympics are suppose to be about unitedness or something…sport are just the vehicular way in which we arrive at the united worldness

  5. Is it worse that as a Canadian, I am expected to have a little pride for curling (I don’t), or that I actually know international champions at it (I do)?

    Both facts eat away at my soul.

  6. being an Olympic athleet I am compleetly offended! I spent the last 4 years on cross country skis w/a rifle on my back, working harder than u ever have!

  7. Bwahahahaha!

    I think I’m in love with you.

  8. I think the Olympics should be naked again. Then I would watch them.

  9. I just watch them naked instead.

    Or maybe that was porn…

  10. I was an all-american racewalker. I can give you a few tips. It’s all in the hips my friend. The HIPS!

  11. Kiala beat me to it. And Justin followed up nicely. They get the gold and the gold of the blogging Olympics.

    I’ll just eat the stale donut I won at the Special Olympics.

    Thanks.

  12. You crack my ass up!!! Wrong on so many levels but hilarious!!!

  13. Are you talking about the Summer or Winter Olympics? Because the winter olympics have real man’s sports such as luge and bobsled.

    That guy bob was one crazy mo’ fo’.

  14. Oh you big sour grape. You’d think they were holding the Olympics in your apartment you’re so wound up about them.

    I haven’t even known when the Olympics were held for like the passed 20 years. You know why? They are ridiculously easy to avoid. So just relax and remember that no one is shot-putting just to piss you off.

  15. arielle – Curling is proof that people have too much time on their hands.

    nancypearl – You’re right. My Mom hated my ribbons! She hated them!

    ashley – I think you got it: They start sweeping and then presto! Olympic athlete.

    chloe – Thanks. And being united is overrated.

    benjamin – You know champion curlers??? I bet they’re pretty cool.

    idont – I know. And your aim has improved!

    kristen – Thanks! Does that mean our blogs have to get married? If it does, mine wants a honeymoon in Vegas. It’s wild like that.

    kiala – I would too. It’d be like a world lesson on anatomy!

    justin – It was porn.

    julie – Next time I’m in Pittsburgh I am going to seek out your teachings.

    melissa – How about a bronze medal instead? That was mean. I’m sorry.

    jamie – Thanks. I don’t think it’s wrong on so many levels though. Just a couple.

    rs27 – The Summer. It’s way worse than the winter, but those suck too. But at least they have basketball.

    hollywood – I think it’s funny that you called me a sour grape. I’ve never been called that before. I like it though. And you underestimate my ability to make everything about me.

  16. feed the losing athletes to lions….now I would pay to see that!!! haha!!

    oh and don’t racewalk…those guys look so gay! Too much hip action for me.

  17. Now I totally see that you’re half Italian. So much anger!

  18. Obviously you must not be a betting man. Put a wager on something, anything, and it immediately becomes entirely engrossing. Like poker. Poker would be Go Fish if not for the betting.

    So put 50 on the Canadian team in the two-man canoe. It’ll become instantly watchable and you’ll probably win, because they have lots of lakes in Canada.

  19. Not to mention that these people train every day of their lives beginning as a fetus and then the day comes for their event and they oversleep or slip on a wet leaf and it’s all over!

  20. I don’t watch any part of the olympics except for ice skating.

    Because I’m cool like that.

    Oh.

    Yes.

    …or something.

  21. Im am over here dying about the “OLYMPICS FUCKERS” and canoeing~~

    Too funny

  22. I love the Olympics. Especially the biathlon. Where else in the world would skiing be combined with shooting rifles?

  23. What's wrong with your bag, girl?

    What about the Jamaican bobsled team? Peace be the journey, mon.

  24. B2G

    Dude, you’re just jealous. You’ll like the Olympics as soon as they add Blogging to the list of sports.

  25. allie – I know, but that’s how you win!

    mindy – Yup.

    mickey – Nice! I’m calling my bookie right now.

    lynne – Yeah, that sucks for them.

    deutlich – Ice skating is bad. Just very, very bad.

    diva – Thanks!

    noelle – I bet people in Russia do it all the time.

    benjamin – Yeah, that’s what I figured.

    Marcos – Yeah, they were cool. Cool Runnings! That was fucking lame.

    b2g – Oh damn right. I’d own that shit. I’d take 43 golds in that shit.

  26. I freakin love the olympics. Haven’t you ever heard of the crazy drinking game that people do with the opening ceremonies. I think it was on a movie or tv show. or something.

    But my favorites are volleyball and gymnastics… quite fun to watch. I wish they’d just get rid of some of the stupid sports that are included though.

  27. Dont you think that curling is a bit like shuffleboard? I got mad shuffleboard skills…

    Which brings me to my point. Bar sports should be olympic events. Shuffleboard, foosball, pool and of course- video arcade bowling…with the little ball that you have to push as hard as you can forward.

  28. tia

    haha canoeing.

    do they still do the shot put?

  29. wellhmmyep

    lol…what?! You had me thinking you were gonna talk about politics..nonetheless interesting though…With all the controversy is it wrong that I still want to go visit china?…

  30. Pingback: Stuff and junk « The Daily Tannenbaum

  31. Ah, but there is always the hope that during gymnastics someone will suffer a broken leg or a horrible faceplant.

  32. maxie – No, what drinking game is this? If I was drunk, maybe I’d appreciate it more.

    matt – That is a great idea. I’d like you to head up a committee on that.

    tia – I hope not.

    wellhmm – You should know me better than that.

    birdwatching – That’s a good point.

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