crisis management

I overreact.

This notion, however, is foreign to me for the most part. Sometimes though, I see that maybe I’m not the best at Handling Things.This was the case last night.

Ari was cooking dinner, and I was sitting on the couch after a long, hard day of reading blogs and trying to figure out the best way to tie my shoes so that the laces don’t poke me in my shins.

As I’m Unwinding, the smoke detector in our apartment starts going off. It goes off at the slightest hint of smoke, so it is a Constant Source Of Stress for me.

The detector is going off, so I jump up, grab a towel and begin waving it wildly at the detector to get it to shut-up.

It does.

For about forty-three seconds. Or just enough time for me to sit back down on the couch.

So I’m back into action. Waving the damn towel. Now Jack has caught wind of the excitement, and decides that jumping at the towel while I wave it is A Good Idea.

Now I’m waving a towel while swearing at the detector and the dog.

Ari, meanwhile, is calmly preparing our meal.

Once again the alarm goes silent. I give Jack a mean look, and go back to my couch.

It immediately goes back on again.

This time, while doing the towel thing, I’m yelling at the top of my lungs to Ari, “Well, I’m not gonna be able to eat! Just stop cooking! Are you done??? Just forget about mine! I’m not going anywhere!!!”

Of course this is happening while Jack is jumping wildly through the air with such glee that I think he might have found Puppy Heaven.

Finally, mercifully, the detector shuts-the-fuck-up for good.

I walk back into the other room, and Ari is gently placing my meal at the table. It is not lost on me that she has been having A Good Laugh at my expense this entire time.

I look at her. She looks at me.

We decide not to discuss it.

It’s usually better that way.


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52 responses to “crisis management

  1. When our smoke detector goes off I just rip it out of the cieling. I keep hoping it’ll just break when I do this, but it’s apparently tougher than me. I’d rather die in a fiery blaze than hear that thing going off.

  2. You handled it great, I pretended I was Sammy Sosa (pre-steroids) when mine went off about a year ago and smacked it with an uncorked bat. I rather burn to death at 4:33am than put up with that annoying crap.

  3. If you want to turn it off with embelishment you need to scream, “I will take away your lifeline because I have the power!”, then rip out the battery for a bit.

  4. I solve that problem by just not having a smoke detector. I lose more apartments that way, though…

  5. Our smoke detector shouts “FIRE! FIRE! GET OUT!” and every time it goes off, we look at each other and laugh.

    You’d think our first reaction would be to, oh, I don’t know, LOCATE the FIRE???

    We’re gonna burn, but we’ll be laughing.

    That was a damn funny scene btw. I love how Ari just ignores you and your out of control bullshit.

  6. Good god you need a stress reliever.

  7. I think she should set it off on purpose just to see you react. Because that’d be kinda funny…

  8. hahahaha you set a great scene.

  9. it’s a good thing you’re paired up with someone who is able to be calm. and laugh at you in your time of crisis. 🙂

  10. FRM

    I really want to know where Kristen found her smoke detector. It actually says “Fire Fire Get Out”?

  11. notsojenny

    that’s exactly why i take the battery out of mine whenever i cook bacon. i learned my lesson the first time.

  12. Sounds like she’s good for you. Too bad she’d didn’t take pictures…

  13. boys are dumb.

    and smelly. (unrelated)

  14. That used to happen at my last house and I would throw a frickin tantrum at my sister: “Why do you have to COOK in here? Are you BURNING something? Jesus Christ! Stop cooking!”

    Then I got no dinner.

  15. You know there is a button you can push on the smoke detector to make it stop, right? You do know that, right?

  16. About the time “Jack caught wind of the excitement” I stared LOL at work! Thank you for the much needed entertainment.
    I love Jack!! and the fact that Ari just kept cooking….priceless!!! haha!

  17. reason #473 why I drink- smoke detectors.

  18. My smoke detector says “Warning, warning, warning, Lynne is cooking again.”

  19. Ha, I love that you just looked at each other and opted not to discuss.

    What did she cook?

  20. I really don’t get why dogs always think “fire alarm” means “play time.”

    Granted, i’m usually the one causing the fire alarm to go off due to my awesome cooking ability.

    Also, from a female point of view, not talking about it was definitely the best resolution.

  21. Marcos

    I thought Steeler’s fans enjoyed waving towels for no reason?

  22. I have taken the batteries out of all the smoke detectors, but somehow they keep going off.

    We have MAGIC smoke detectors! No batteries needed. Damn inventions.

  23. I had no idea how funny this was until now.

  24. mickey – Me too. Fire doesn’t seem that tough to me.

    cruz – Hahaha – your sports reference is much appreciated here man. Did you do the “hop” right after you hit, just like Slammin’ Sammy too? I hope so.

    meghan – But I don’t want to hurt its feelings!

    noelle – Yeah, that could be one downfall.

    kristen – That alarm is hilarious. And yeah, Ari is pretty good at maintaining things when I get angry about stupid shit. It’s her super power.

    dan – I know. This is why J.P.(Idon’tliketoread) wants me to smoke again.

    deutlich – It would be funny. Or maybe just really, very sad.

    jessica – Thanks! It’s too bad I have to be the lead character in it though.

    ashley – That is very true.

    notsojenny – Ours is hooked up to the wall. No batteries. Jesus hates us.

    poodlegoose – Then I would’ve been swearing at her too, “What the fuck??? Are you gonna blog about this???”

    each – Not that unrelated.

    mindy – Hahaha – I was very close to doing the same thing.

    kiala – Uh, no. No I didn’t.

    allie – Thanks. Yeah, Jack is always ready to be an ass.

    matt – Yes. Next time I’m gonna pound some whiskey while I battle it.

    lynne – Oh, you got a custom one? Fancy!

    brookem – She knows better than to talk to me after I’ve been dumb. And it was french toast. Please refer to her blog (couch cubicle) for an explanation.

    lauren – I know! Stupid man’s best friend.

    marcos – Wrong! We wave towels in support of our excellence!

    rs27 – It’s like they’re from the future.

    ari – Me too. Sadly.

  25. idontliketoread

    haha!! I live in a house built in the 50s, there’s a carbon monoxide detector that goes off at random. does this mean I’m being poisoned?

  26. I love those don’t-even moments with the significant other. It reminds us that we might not kill each other before 2009.

  27. tia

    haha my husband does that kind of shit all the time. i call it “blustering” which loosely translates to “blowing a bunch of hot air around while i ignore/mock him”.

  28. I get like this sometimes. If I’m in a weird mood every little thing freaks me out.

  29. haha i love that you just didn’t discuss it, probably a good move.

  30. what was she making? i’m hungry.

  31. what was she making? i’m hungry.

  32. aimelina

    Ha- Ari is great.

  33. When ours goes off I just jump up, bang my fist on it, and pull the batteries out.

    Shuts the piece of crap up for good. Or at least until I replace the batteries and cook something else. You should try it. Or anger management. Either or. *big grin*

  34. nancypearlwannabe

    Yeah, I think at this point I’ve pulled the batteries from all our smoke detectors. I’m with Mickey- I’d rather go out peacefully than with that sound piercing my ear drums.

  35. Ha, nice.

    I learned to spray water on the smoke detector. That usually shuts it off.

    Adding you to my blogroll, fyi. You’s funny.

  36. It probably just needs new batteries. Somebody may’ve already commented about that, but I’m too lazy to read them all.

  37. great call on not discussing it! u just gotta let those minor things that piss you off slide every once in a while… and these women take lots-o-joy in seeing us in frantic comedic distress

  38. 1. Laces? In the shin? What shoes are these?

    2. Ugh, smoke detectors can be so picky. How am I supposed to char the waffles just right?

  39. The detector in my apartment use to go off all time…even when there was no smoke. It liked fucking with me in the middle of the night. My friend finally disabled it for me. So eff it, I’ll just burn to death.

  40. Dear GOD that sounds stressful. Hopefully you get to take a few days off to recoup. I once got hooked on drugs after a stressful interaction with me, daylight savings time and my microwave clock.

    I wish you all the best.

  41. I didn’t read anything about “stop, drop, and roll” in that post. C’mon…safety first.

    Seriously though, smoke detectors can burn in hell (pun intended).

  42. ashley

    Maybe it was a little April Fools joke at your expense. You guys sound cute.

  43. idont – Yes.

    benjamin – Maybe. That’s a long time from now.

    tia – It’s like we’re all in a crappy Fox sitcom.

    maxie – Yeah, the problem with me is I’m like this a lot.

    katelin – As they say, silence is golden.

    aimelina – Yes she is. Especially for putting up with me for four years.

    kali – I think you might be on to something there. In both cases.

    nancypearl – Like I said, the thing is attached to the wall – there are no batteries. It’s towel waving or madness.

    Liz – Thanks! Water, huh? I might have to get a Super Soaker for ours. Do they still make those? They’re awesome.

    hahasound – No batteries, maybe it just needs a sledgehammer.

    aaron – I know, right? It’s like we’re some kind of comedy routine. Which, I guess we are sometimes.

    megan – 1) Yes, I had to buy new laces for my dress shoes and they’re incredibly stiff and they poke me in the shin. Very annoying. 2) Exactly!

    kiera – I’m going to adapt your mentality.

    brandy – That sounds bad. Microwave clocks have destroyed many lives.

    dustin – You’re right! Smokey the Bear would be pissed. But maybe he doesn’t give a shit about fires in apartments, just in the woods. In that case, Smokey can go to hell.

    ashley – That would be a mean thing to do to someone. And thanks! We try. At least Ari does. And I usually screw it up.

  44. Yes they do! I actually have two super soakers.

  45. Just detach the damn thing!

  46. What I love about smoke detectors is when the battery is dying and for four days straight, I hear a “beep”….”beep” about once every other minute b/c it takes me that many days to figure out where the beeping is coming from (mind you, I am rarely home to notice). For some reason, I don’t go into ‘search and destroy’ mode like most people, when they hear something as annoying…think I subconsciously figure the battery will die soon enough and then I will be free from the “beeping”.

  47. megkathleen

    Freaky – this used to happen to me and my boy, Chuckles, every time I cooked. But then one night he had had enough and completely removed the fire detector. Now it is inevitable: one night we will die in a tragic fire.

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  49. liz – I may need to borrow one.

    diva – I think I just might do that.

    jenn – Wow, you are obviously much more patient than me. I’d snap way before that.

    megkathleen – Wait. His real name was Chuckles? Sounds like he was fun.

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