I think that I may not be as smart as I think I am.

Every morning, when I come into the office, I take off my coat.

Usually, I’m thinking about Something Important, like how I wish my life was like Perfect Strangers, because Balki would always make me laugh at his Funny Foreign Ways.

Then – with this pleasant thought still in my brain – I go to hang up my coat.  And every single time, I get shocked by the doorknob on the closet door.

This happens every fucking day of my life.

Okay, Monday through Friday.  Or maybe not even that much, if I happen to be “sick” and stay home, which really means that I’m watching Sportscenter.

Tell me, what is The Deal with static electricity?  It doesn’t help anyone.  It’s not even beneficial to society, like public toilets.

Every day it gets the best of me.

I reach for the doorknob, get shocked, and then: “Fuck!”  Luckily, I’m usually in before the boss, so my yelping obscenities hasn’t had too much affect on my job status.  Yet.

I don’t understand.

We are an Advanced Society, right?  How is it that no one has tackled the epidemic that is static electricity?

We have phones that can take pictures of Ugly People (I don’t do this, other people do this) and yet we live in a world ruled by little electric shocks that either make your hand sting or make your clothes stick to you in a way that makes people wonder if you’re homeless.

Well, today was the last straw for me.

No more being outsmarted by static electricity.

I’m going to dedicate all of my time, money, and Wits to defeating it.  Or maybe I’ll just bitch about it some more and do the same thing tomorrow.


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52 responses to “shocking

  1. Another place where having personal midgets would be helpful. You just say, “Midget, open door” and he (because female midgets are just creepy) would take that shock for you.

    Oh, midgets. Is there any problem you can’t solve?

  2. Something to do with electrons but then again I suck at science. It happens to me when I open my car door from the outside sometimes, idk how to explain that one.

  3. notsojenny

    pick up your feet when you walk

    and keep a dryer sheet in your pocket… not only will you smell good, but if you touch it before the knob you won’t get shocked

    i’ve thought i killed my helix before by shocking it… it turned white and i saw the spark from it to my finger… it was awesome

  4. It happens to me when I shut my car door. EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I can’t get around shutting my car door, that would be a waste of car battery, so I’ve started to shut the door by pushing on the glass, rather than the door itself. That may eventually break the glass, but broken glass is better than being shocked.

    You should touch the doorknob with your jacket covering your hand. That will end the shocking!

  5. Psychological testing from your executives to see how long it’ll take you to break down and trash the entire office?

    I’ve done it…

  6. Every time I get in or out of my car I get shocked. It makes me want to punch poor Betty in the face. If she had a face but since she’s a car she doesn’t but still if she did I’d totally punch it. Dumb…

  7. Me too on the car door, so I shut it with my covered elbow, but this doesn’t help. I have an SUV and I could quit driving and not be shocked anymore and I’d save the planet and end the Iraq war with all the gas I’d save, but I’d rather brown people died so I can comfortably get to the market. I’m benevolent.

  8. I blame the Republicans.

  9. crissyspage

    Static Electricity is an asshole.

  10. wear a [bright yellow] rubber glove!


  11. That’s God smiting you a little at a time. It hurts more that way.

  12. justin – I highly doubt it.

    cruz – See?? That shit is unexplainable!

    notsojenny – Thanks for the tips, but, what’s a helix? I have no idea.

    lauren – I agree, broken glass is a much better result.

    benjamin – Well, if that’s the case then I’ll wait until they come in to swear at the top of my lungs. It’ll be fun!

    julie – You leave Betty and her not-a-face alone!

    melissa – I hear you. What would our lives be like without comfortable trips to the market? I feel like I’m in the 30’s or something, calling it a “market.” They did that in the 30’s right?

    noelle – Yes!

    kristen – You’re damn right it is.

    deultich – Yeah, I don’t think that would work. My coworkers would think I’m a little weirder than they already do.

    mickey – Motherfucking God. Dude’s still pissed about me drinking while I went to catholic school.

  13. I just imagined this whole post in the voice of Jerry Seinfeld. It actually made it less funny, so then I imagined it in Chris Farley’s voice.

    Much funnier.

    Standing taaaaalll on the wings of our dreams, rise and faaaaaalll on the wings of our dreams, the rain, the thunder, the wind, the haze, I’m bound for better days…

    I know the whole thing, I’m about to download it right now.

  14. Marcos

    I like petting my cat in the dark and seeing the sparks fly. It’s totally killer bro!

  15. I thought that you meant you were shocked by seeing the doorknob on the door, and I thought, “Wow, nope, he can’t be that smart.” And then I read the rest of the post and well, yeah, I know I’m not as smart as… well, let’s just say that I know I’m not that smart.

  16. 2 things-

    1. Every day when I leave work, I PUSH the front door to exit, even though you are supposed to PULL it. And every day it has been a PULL door and yet I never learn and I just shove my body into it, expecting it to open, but instead just hit with a thud. And then sigh. And then PULL.

    2. While I was in Vegas a few weeks ago, I noticed I was getting lots of shocks. I figured from the carpet on the casino floor. But ever since I got home, I’m getting shocks all the time. My car door, every door knob, the railings on the stairs at work. So, to help answer your question, I’ve concluded static electricity originates in Las Vegas.

  17. I’m constantly accidentally shocking the cat or the dog with static electricity and how do you explain you are not doing it on purpose? HOW???

  18. moisturize moisturize moisturize moisturize!

    the whole reason you are getting shocked is because the climate and or your skin/hair/body is dry. slap some lotion on your hands and i’m sure you’ll be fine.

    for being i think my first comment on your site i have made quite the impression. yes?


    I use that stuff all the time, because getting shocked bugs the hell out of me.

    Oh, midgets. Is there any problem you can’t solve?

    Um, what about my midget phobia? Can midgets solve that?

  20. Shit, when I read you “were shocked by the doorknob on the closet door,” I thought you meant, like, surprised. “What the fuck?! This door has a knob? Again?!!”

  21. Did you ever see that reality show with Balki? He is not nearly as charming as an American. In fact, he was a total dickface.

  22. I heart Balki. I totally forgot about that show. I miss 80’s sitcoms. A little Alf, a little Full House… Makes me thirsty for crystal light.

  23. bloggingbarbie

    and while we’re at it, can we do something about the horribleness that is getting a paper cut?

    i sliced the hell out of my finger this morning and now as i type it hurts.


  24. Chris: Yeah, I say market. I also wear bullet bras and pencil skirts. I sleep with men who can get me chocolate and gin and nylons because something about the soldiers needing these things as they fight on the front lines to save Jews or something.

    I’m retro.

  25. when you said you were shocked by the door knob i also automatically thought you meant shocked as in something suprising goes on with the door knob every morning. i wondered how shocking the sight of a doorknob could be.

    Put a dryer sheet in your pocket. I rub them on my head when my hair gets staticy. and then I smell good, too.

  26. rs27 – That was a very nice thing for you to say. Also, download it and download it like there’s no tomorrow!

    marcos – Hahaha – I can totally see you doing that.

    poodlegoose – Or maybe I’m just a shitty writer.

    hollywood – I’m glad I my spam catches you. 1) I think this might happen to everyone and 2) Vegas! Of course. I bet it’s all the dry, old ladies playing the slots.

    kiala – Poor ZZ, I’m reporting you to Someone Who Cares About Animals.

    alexa – Yes! Such an informative first comment! So, please tell me in your next one how to stop natural peanut butter from getting that weird oil on top.

    todd – Perfect! You are a genius.

    fort knocks – Again, I must be a shitty writer. Anyone wanna be my editor?

    mindy – Noooooo!!! You’ve ruined my world.

    oakland – Yes. Don’t even get me started on my love for ALF.

    barbie – Hahaha – Wait, sorry. That sounded mean.

    melissa – Hahahaha – You are also awesome. Your comments are wittier than mine though, so please hold back some of your talent. I know – it’ll be hard.

    kelly – Fuck!!! Man, this is driving me insane. I am not, as much as I thought I was, the next Dave Berry quite yet.

  27. wellhmmyep

    A. Perfect Strangers was the shit…points for finding a way to put in blog.

    B. You may not be that smart, but you’re a pretty good writer…got me interested in static electricity …

  28. I love static electricity! Sometimes I go out of my way just to get shocked (like rubbing myself up against a just-turned-on television).

  29. B2G

    Something about my chemical makeup is extra electric. In high school I used to walk around bouncing a volleyball at practice and shock all of my teammates. They kind of hated me. I thought it was funny.

  30. “I think that I may not be as smart as I think I am.” Obviously you were stoned when you wrote that.

  31. welp, i just watched the perfect strangers video three times. yup, three times. in a row. i freakin loved that show.

    i hope you get the staticness under wraps. that’s never a fun situation to be in, yet, i find myself there every day similarly, except it’s when i go to close my car door. oof. ouch.

    much luck.

  32. tia

    one time i accidentally shocked my cat, and then she bit me.

    damn static electricity. i’ll fund your research.

  33. smoking pot gets rid of static electricity

  34. wellhmm – Thanks! Yeah, that show is sorely missed.

    stephanie – I think it’s kinda funny to imagine you rubbing against a TV. It’s an odd thing to do you know?

    b2g – It’s like you’re a super hero! Or a super villain.

    melissa – Yeah, I wish. Thanks for pointing that out. It’s terrible.

    brookem – There were so many clips to choose from, but the intro I thought was perfect.

    tia – Please send me cash.

    idont – So then April is gonna be one electric month for you then huh? Right???

  35. Shove 50 bounce sheets in your pants pockets EVERY day. Then two more for luck!

  36. ashley

    I don’t think that wordpress allows those types of badges because the first one is a flash and the second is html. I’m sure though. If you find out anything about it let me know and I’ll do the same.

  37. Oh this crap always sneaks up on me. Yes my car too is bad but I can’t stand it when I put a shirt on and my hair goes EVERYWHERE, even worse when it sucks to my face!!!YUCK!! And it only gets worse when I brush it! **Part of the reason my hair is now GONE!

    ME 😉

  38. I usually play tag with my door handle. I look at it and try to tap at it a few times before I actually grab it. I do this thinking it will lessen the shock. But it never does! It is quite the sight.

  39. strangehappypeople

    I hate to break it to you, ut I think it’s a mystery that can never be solved, like black holes or AIDS.

  40. AMEN! static electricity makes me angrier than any other awful uncontrolable phenomenom. when I get shocked, I want to punch whoever is nearest. Watch your back and don’t shock me.

  41. If the door handle shocks you…shock it right back and call it a bitch.

    Always works for me. Hope this helps.

  42. As soon as you mentioned static electricity at work I crossed my fingers hoping for an Office Space reference. Why none? That movie is classic! Wait, am I totally off topic here?

  43. I get shocked every time I got to open my car door or close other people’s door, it’s insane. Basically I get shocked all the time and if you find a way to stop this from happening, please share.

  44. meghan – If I come to work with 52 dryer sheets in my pants, I think my coworkers may think something’s wrong with my crotch. Which could lead to lawsuits.

    ashley – Thanks, I am the world’s worst computer dude.

    allie – This is why I cut my hair too. Okay, not really.

    idont – TNT!

    1218 – Hahaha – that does sound like something I’d like to see.

    strangehappy – No! I will not give up!

    betsy – Oh snap! I like your attitude.

    matt – Hahaha – dude I am gonna do that tomorrow, I promise.

    aaron – I didn’t even think of that! Fuck. I suck.

    katelin – I will do so. If I figure it out, I’m gonna run for president.

  45. Can’t you just wait for someone to touch the doorknob first (like your boss) and allow them to get shocked while you laugh in silent hilarity?

  46. I think it has something to do with the fucking climate in the North East. I never had this problem in Ca. But, then again, maybe I was just too stoned to notice.

  47. Aaron and I are of the same mindset.

    Now its time for you to take care of that doorknob with a drill while some 90’s gangsta music playing.

  48. sounds like workman’s comp to me

  49. kiera – That sounds like a plan to me.

    rebecca – That’s probably it.

    dan – I am down! What do you think – some Too $hort? Maybe some Eazy-E?

    modern – Yes, I like the way you think. Sticking it to the man!

  50. I’m so with you..except my static electricity problem is in my hair. Every morning. Forty-five precious minutes (that could be spent snoozing) go to the washing, drying and flat ironing of my hair. Seconds after I’m finished, my hair is out to heeeeeeeeeeeeeere with static electricity. How is it that Redken has yet come up with the solution to my problem in the form of a $25 hairspray? Bumble and Bumble came out with $40 brown powder to sprinkle in my hair when it’s become entirely too greasy to go unnoticed by my boss… I mean, seriously…there’s a solution to this nonsense somewhere.

  51. truly an office space moment.

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