I had to buy a new suit today.
I had to do this because after a wedding a couple years ago, in a fit of drunken rage, I stomped on my old suit in a parking lot. I didn’t like it anymore, so I guess I figured grinding it into some pavement was A Good Idea.
Seems about right.
So when Ari told me today that I had better get a new suit (we have about 1,342 weddings coming up this summer) I handled it very maturely, like I do all things.
I said, and these are Exact Quotes, “Fuck,” “Man, what the fuck,” “I am not mentally prepared to do this,” “I don’t know why I thought this was gonna be fun, this fucking sucks” and “Man, fucking shit.”
I don’t know about you, but when I drop the “Man, fucking shit” sentence, that means I am Not Happy.
We decided to go to Macy’s.
Macy’s is hell. You know how some people say that hell is the worst thing you can imagine, everyday for the rest of your life? Well, my hell would be shopping at Macy’s.
The store itself is gigantic and there are always tourists packed in there, ready to See New York. Because Seeing New York to them involves going shopping for a new Izod shirt.
Ari and I navigated through the levels of hell and eventually found a Hugo Boss suit that I liked. The alterations went by quickly, and before I knew it, we were done. It was extremely expensive, but I am never one to think about Finances and Logic when considering clothing.
Besides, I am going to look amazing in the suit. The sales woman told me so.
Now I am the proud owner of a new suit, and the process was amazingly pain free.
And because I really like this suit, I hope to avoid stomping on it while yelling, “This suit is ugly! This suit is ugly!” in a parking lot after one too many vodka sodas.
At least for the next couple years or so.