the time has come

Alright Madonna, that’s enough.

Do you hear me?  That is enough!

I love your old stuff, you know, the albums you made back when you had talent.

But your new album Hard Candy is about to drop – and as your favortite blogger – I’ve got to tell you that you need to stop.

Please don’t make any more watered down songs with every single pop star out there in hopes of getting some love from fans.

I see you have songs with Timbaland, Justin Timberlake and Pharell on Hard Candy.  And of course you threw in the obligatory song produced by Kanye.

I’m sorry, but it’s not going to work.

You haven’t had a good album since Ray of Light, and even that was a stretch.

Also, do you realize that you’re forty-nine (about to be fifty in August) years old???

Let me tell you something.

It is not okay for a forty-nine year old to do this:

You’re an old lady, okay???

Old ladies, whether or not they are one of the greatest pop sensations of all time, must wear pants.

You should be at home, caring for your kids and trying not to freak them out with your Kabbalah teachings.

Or, if you’re feeling bored, go adopt (steal) some more brown babies from far away countries – I hear rich people just love those brown babies!

Just stop making this shitty music, because it is over for you.

And if you do that for me, I promise to keep Open Your Heart on heavy rotation on my iPhone.

You can count on that.

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61 Comments

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61 responses to “the time has come

  1. hahaha

    i still have a LOT of love for that woman and frankly? she could strut around naked for all i care

  2. I have less problem with her making bad music than with her wearing that heinous outfit. I don’t care if you have the body of a 20 year-old. If you’re 50, you can’t wear a skanky S&M looking outfit with what appears to be a WWF belt? Or really, anything that can be defined as “scantily clad.”

    Demi Moore, take note. You’re on your way to the big 5-0.

  3. …so you wouldnt bang her?

  4. Is it just me or does it look like Madonna has a big ol’ bush? See the poofiness in her groin area? I think that is bush.

    Am I allowed to say “bush” on this blog?

  5. LOL! I hear ya. I totally agree. I love me some Madonna but it’s time for her to go away. I want Madonna to stay in London, start wearing Laura Ashley, be a mommy, and have tea with Angelina so they can discuss their plans to adopt more brown babies (HA!)

  6. Here’s the thing. Madonna, apparently, wont allow her kids to watch tv because of the horrible things they show. Have they seen her CD cover?

    I adored Madonna back in the day–remember Dick Tracy? League of their Own? Every song on the Immaculate Collection? Legendary! This new stuff just has to end. She’s right there, jumping the shark with Fonzie.

  7. WHAT?!?!
    Ok I agree with the music part but DAMN if I looked like her or Demi at 50 I would totally show my sh*t off!! Sorry but my mom is hott and I would never have a problem if she wanted to show a little skin. Now when the aging signs start to show(vains, wrinkles) I would agree, more age appropriate clothing would be required.

    It takes a lot to look like that even at my age…so give the woman some credit.

  8. And what would the sweet baby Jesus think of his momma dressing like this?

    Wait, what?

    Oh… That Madonna…

  9. I made OM buy a suit ( i mean, what man over the age of 35 doesnt own one? its a crime) and it was like i was asking to put a fork lift up his ass.

    one painful afternoon later, OM is the proud owner of a new suit.

  10. tiff

    Ha!

    True Blue was always my favorite.

  11. Ben

    Can we take a moment to discuss the video? While Justin is attempting to retain his dignity but half-heartedly dancing (pretending not to notice Madonna’s whip cracking on his back), Madonna is in a skin coloured onesie, dry-humping the ground, the wall, Justin, Timbaland, herself, a mirror, cars…the list goes on.

    Cher never dry-humped. Mariah Carey is too lazy to dry-hump. Tina Turner kinda started off dry-humping, so she’s in the clear. Whitney Houston did (does) a lot of crack, but never dry-humped.

    GOOD LORD MADONNA, PACK IT IN!

  12. Oh god. I don’t know what to say. I love Madonna. But there’s a tiny little voice in my heart that’s whispering, “stop while you’re still a tiny bit ahead. Think Rolling Stones!” And then I get outraged at myself and go back to believing that she’s a goddess.

  13. The gays are going to hate you for this.

    You know that right?

  14. The best is that Vanity Fair is saying they did “very minimal retouching” to the photos of her in their current spread. R-i-g-h-t. The fiance is printing part of the promo piece for the mag and he says there’s no way any of that was minimal. The woman has crows’ feet and you know what? 50 year old women SHOULD have crows’ feet! She looks amazing! Why must we delude ourselves into thinking she’s perpetually 25? Strange.

  15. deutlich – No way, not anymore. If this was 88, I’d be with you. I’d also be like, 10 years old, but whatever.

    arielle – I totally agree.

    cruz – No way man. Well…

    mindy – Absolutely! And I think you’re right, which is another thing that I do not approve of.

    1218 – If they team up, there’d be no more brown people in all of the world. They’d all be in their houses. Well, at least the cute, young ones.

    lauren – Really??? Man, she annoys the fuck out of me. And you’re right, Dick Tracy was awesome.

    allie – You can look that good at 50 too. It’s called airbrushing.

    justin – No, you were right. Madonna wrote Cherish after Jesus.

    each – Us men depend on the women in our lives to make us do the things we hate doing.

    tiff – True Blue is awesome as well.

    ben – Yes! Great example. It’s just so creepy when she does shit like that.

    melissa – No! You are right in your feelings! She must stop.

    kristen – No way! I like Madonna, just retro Madonna.

    melissa – Exactly! Be old! I don’t care, but keep your god damn pants on. Because old people are wrinkled up!

  16. Hey remember when Madonna wore the cone bra?

    Yeah.

  17. yeah i’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you on this one – i ❤ madonna’s last CD and saw her a few years back in concert and she looks awesome.

    i mean, when you THINK about the fact that shes almost 50 and gyrating on stage….yeah. it’s kind of wrong.

    i just try not to think about it

  18. God, I know what you mean. I have so much love for her, it’s almost painful to see her like this. Though, I’ve gotta admit, she does look quite well for her almost 50 self.

    and you totally can’t forget the cone bra.

  19. are you making madonna justify your love?

  20. as soon as i read this post i was going to ask the same thing cruz asked… hahahahahahaha!

    and you didn’t give a straight answer… so will you?

  21. hahahahah I love this because I have seriously be writing this entry in my head for awhile.

    No more leotards. We don’t care if you are in shape. You’re old.

  22. I saw her video for the first time this morning and I was going to blog about it too. The nude underwear get-up is ridiculous and she CANNOT dance as well as JT so she shouldn’t even try. grrr

  23. Yeah, everyone wants to adopt brown babies except for brown people! HA-ha. If I have some,hopefully they’d want to adopt mine. I’ll sell them for a small shoe stipend.

  24. Holy hell. YES, she needs pants.

  25. I can’t express myself as well as alexa just did.

  26. rs27 – Of course! That was kinda cool.

    ashley – Maybe that’s the secret, not thinking about her old ass.

    poodlegoose – Right, it is painful. So much talent and now all I think about is how gross she is.

    alexa – Hahaha – awesome! Very witty comment.

    aaron – Alright, well, I guess I would. I mean, it’s Madonna! I have to, right?

    jamie – Yes! Great minds think alike my blogging friend.

    dutchess – Thanks!

    maxie – Yeah, it seems there’s a certain amount of Madonna back-lash out there right now.

    diva – Hahaha – very true.

    nicole – Yeah, I mean, who thought that was a good idea???

    noelle – Hahahaha – Oh snap! The wittiest comment battle has begun!

  27. I am slightly disturbed that a 49 year old woman is in better physical condition than I am.

  28. B2G

    MUST WEAR PANTS. MUST. WEAR. PANTS. MUSTWEARPANTS!

  29. Marcos

    Take a bow, the night is over
    This masquerade is getting older
    Lights are low, the curtains down
    There’s no one here
    [There’s no one here, there’s no one in the crowd]
    Say your lines but do you feel them
    Do you mean what you say when there’s no one around [no one around]
    Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
    [One lonely star you don’t know who you are]

    Chorus:

    I’ve always been in love with you [always with you]
    I guess you’ve always known it’s true [you know it’s true]
    You took my love for granted, why oh why
    The show is over, say good-bye

  30. Oh wow. While it’s great that she looks good at her age, people need to think about who will be viewing their get-ups when they dress.

    Oh as for the music – lots of people have never made good music and continue to make bad music, so whatever fries her bacon!

  31. I dunno man … I know the concept of her being 50 and all out there like that is kinda ridiculous, but I saw the vid, and thought to myself, “She’d definitely get it.”

  32. I really don’t have anything to say about this.

  33. No. No. No. I love her. She can rock out with her legs spread and make out with younger pop stars until she’s 65 for all I care. I mean, she’s Madonna she’s the eternal bad/kick your ass girl.

    Open your Heart is one of my fave’s too.

    What does your G.F. think? I bet she’s a Madonna fan.

  34. I would hate to be one of her kids…

    “Aw man, mom’s vag is EVERYWHERE again. I’m going to have to miss school for the next month or so until this passes.”

  35. hollywood – Yeah, but there’s airbrushing, and she’s insanely rich – which means she can spend a ton of money on staying in shape. Also, plastic surgery.

    b2g – Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever been yelled at by a comment before. You win the prize. It’s a yellow highlighter.

    marcos – The show is over, say good-bye Exactly.

    jamie – That’s true, there is a lot of shitty music out there.

    brooklyn – Hahaha – hey, I ain’t mad at cha!

    mickey – But you do!

    allison – I don’t know, I have no idea how she feels about this yet. I’m sorry, there’s a certain point when I don’t want to see her doing these stupid tricks to get people to like her music. But to each his own I suppose!

    bigtime – Hahaha – I bet their first words were “Mom’s vag.” Except the brown kid, his first words were probably, “Where’s my daddy?”

  36. I love the brown gay kids!!!!

    (I think I missed the point of this post).

  37. haha, i definitely feel the same way about her album covers and her video, she’s definitely trying to be a little tooo sexy even for her. but as for the song, yeah i’m a sucker for a good pop song. i can’t help it.

  38. megkathleen

    Me Sad. I like Madonna – however, I have not seen the new music video, but I liked Confessions on a dance floor. But, you are right on one point, BUY SOME PANTS. Nobody, not even Madonna, can wear leotards all the time – it’s just weird.

  39. She is completely and utterly Botoxed out. And her new music is just… strange. Her old music is too, but at least I don’t feel like I’m being possessed when I’m listening to it.

  40. idontliketoread

    la isla bonita

  41. tia

    seriously madonna.

    just stop.

  42. There is just nothing good about 50-year-olds mixing with popular music… except my mom, who just learned (and will NOT stop singing) that “Shorty” (got low low low low) song.

    Maybe she can be on Maddie’s next album!

  43. I hope she does another playboy before she turns 60.

  44. Her music sucks. Always has, always will.

  45. I don’t want her to have on that outfit either…not a good thing for a 50 year old…

  46. I must insert my LOL here

    I wonder if my bod will be nearly as hot at almost-50 too 🙂

    Maybe I would be tempted to prance around in no pants myself!

  47. THIS is why I love you in a non-stalky platonic internet way.

    My mother is younger than this bitch and I always make her wear pants!

  48. Maybe she had pants but got drunk and tried to stomp the ugly out of them?

  49. Seriously, dude. Seriously.

  50. Other than being aroused by Truth or Dare when I was 13, I’ve never liked her. I give her credit for having the cajones to make the video to Like a Prayer but otherwise…eh.

    Oh, and your thing about 49 year old chicks not being able to pose like that….you are absolutely correct…only you need to exclude Kylie Minogue.

  51. kiala – Hahaha – uh, yes, but I’m glad you’ve found love.

    katelin – I am too, but she just annoys the hell out of me now.

    megkathleen – Exactly. I don’t know who is telling her that it’s okay, but they need to stop.

    richard – I agree, she’s had some major jobs done. Forget dieting and nutrition, she’s been under the knife big time.

    idont – Cherish the thought, of always having you, here by my side.

    tia – Well put.

    jenbun – Hahaha – I think we need video of that.

    matt – You own your geriatric love!

    dan – Hating is always welcomed here.

    boogiemonsta – Right. Let’s you and I start some kind of petition to get this stopped. You in?

    jemi – If you’re ready for tons of plastic surgery and creeping everyone out, then yes, maybe.

    kiraa – But the stalking kinda love is the best!

    meghan – Maybe. People have been known to do that…

    gooseberried – Yes.

    birdwatching – Kylie is 49? Okay, you’re right, Kylie, if you’re reading this (and I know you are honey) you never have to wear pants.

  52. Thank you for posting this. I love Madonna… LOVE. But really, she is the same age as my mom… it went down hill for me with the whole Esther thing…

  53. I’m totally up for starting a petition…where should we post up to get signatures??

  54. Finally! Someone had to say it. I agree. Let’s get this posted in Times Square.

  55. oakland – Oh god, I forgot all about Esther!

    boggiemonsta – There should be an entire blog dedicated to it.

    isabelle – THANKS! I mean, right? I just want to remember her as the material girl, not this way.

    coop – I’ll talk to Bloomberg.

  56. So I saw a clip of the Madonna/JT video last night…what’s the first thought that came to me, you may ask? She looks like a old whore, who’s still on the corner but is WAY past her prime…

    Just thought I’d share that with you!

  57. I can’t stop laughing….this is by far one of the best posts I’ve EVER read.

  58. Perceptive

    I like her early music. I like her dancing. I think she is in good shape. I think she has stamina. Great that she looks good for her age. She knows how to make money and work the press. Good for her, honestly.

    NEVER thought she was attractive. NEVER thought she had any class. She’s always been an attention whore and a copy-cat. She’s obviously self-centered. She is usually completely full of shit. She is usually insincere.

    Rule: When you hit 50 (40 for most folks, 30 for many, 23 for some), you no longer “flaunt” your body. You are well into the “I’m mostly a rotting corpse stage”. We don’t want to imagine sucking on your stinking, leathery skin. We aren’t fooled by excessive makeup. You’re over the hill. Your no longer a sex object. Get over it.

    apollo: Thanx for the opportunity to express my view about Madonna.

  59. you have real cajones to admit having Madonna’s Open Your Heart on your iPhone…

    i laughed and laughed and laughed at this post…thanks! you made A Person Happy.

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