product details

I was in the shower after the gym this morning, when I noticed something odd on my shampoo bottle.

Below all the shit about washing, lathering and repeating (who repeats?  Really, once is enough unless you roll around in dirt for a living) there was some text that read, “Satisfaction Guaranteed.  Any questions or comments, please call…”

I would like to know, who actually calls?

You know someone calls.

There is someone out there, who between living their life and trying to Be A Person, finds time to place calls to shampoo companies with comments on their products.

I wonder what the comment would be?

I mean, if it was me, I imagine I’d say something like, “I’m really enjoying the suds this stuff makes.  I used to use some other shampoo, and it didn’t make nearly the amount of suds that your product makes.  What is it about suds that makes me think the more there are the cleaner I’m getting?  Well, whatever you’re doing, the amount of suds is suckering me into spending ten dollars a bottle, so keep it up!”

What else could you possibly say about shampoo?

The fact that my satisfaction is guaranteed is even more amazing.

How do they know what my shampooing experience must be in order for me to be satisfied?

I could be really picky about shampoo and never be satisfied.   Sometimes I don’t eat grapes because they’re too small, so maybe I’ll never be happy with my shampoo and call them everyday about it.

And what do they do if I do tell them I’m not satisfied?  Do they send me a new bottle?  That wouldn’t be smart, now would it?  Maybe they send me my money back – that would be smarter.  The smartest thing to do would be to send me something I’d have no way of not being satisfied with, like a rubber band ball, those things are awesome.

I think maybe I’ll go ahead and call them, just to check in.  Tell them that I did shower this morning and yes, I am satisfied.

I think that will make them happy – and that’s what I like to do – Make People Happy.


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49 responses to “product details

  1. Oh my god…calling them everyday to tell them that it was a good shower day would be too funny!

  2. dude – there really ARE people that call in and complain/give feedback just for the freebies.

  3. tiff

    I can’t find time to even wash my hair between living my life and trying to Be A Person.

    But yes, please call and liveblog it.

  4. Oh, how your mind wanders.

    But I do think you should do it. And soon. My life is seriously lacking in…. well, stuff like this.

  5. see, i’d say that mine doesn’t lather up enough and so that means that i get a lot of soap left in my hair which makes it look still dirty when it’s just clean…

  6. Do you think the Herbal Essences people had the same satisfaction guarantee on their bottles? Because after those orgasm-in-the-shower commercials, I’m thinking they owe some satisfyin’ to a shitload of people.

    And how would they make up for it? Buy the unsatisfied women vibrators? Comp the guys some time in the VIP room?

  7. I worked with a guy who was married to a woman who took those calls. Most of them were from women who had some kind of mishap with hair dye. I bet if you called they would give you a coupon, that’s the corporate catch-all for problems.

  8. Well there are those people that have skin allergies and some products irritate their skin.

    Sorry didn’t mean to get all serious sally on you but for real, is it honestly worth anyone’s time just for a free bottle of shampoo? Lame!

  9. the whole customer service phone line and guranteed satisfaction promise is counterintuitive because if you’re NOT satisfied, they send you more products or coupons for more products. once when I was younger, my mom called to complain that there were virtually no cookie dough pieces in our chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. (this is a true story.) we received about a hundred coupons for more of the same ice cream.

    like we were ever going to take our chances with those a-holes again.

  10. I once called the number on the back of a pregnancy test because the test came out positive and the box had an expiration date, so I called to confirm that the result could indeed have been false due to the fact that it was one week after the test expired.


  11. Speaking of shampoo, I always thought White Rain was the worst name for a bottle of hair cleaner they could have imagined. Were they all just sitting around thinking of metaphors for dandruff?

  12. I think you should call them and tell us how it goes. Tell them I said hello.

  13. I should call paul mitchell and tell them their shampoo sucks and it made my hair yucky… maybe they’d give me my $36 bucks back.

  14. What, exactly, do you have against small grapes?

  15. About three Valentines Days ago, a few of my friends came over and one brought Laffy Taffy. It said the same thing on the candy, so we decided to call. Sure enough, someone was there (this was around 9pm). We told her the product was great and we especially enjoyed the jokes on the package. We wanted to ask for additional jokes, but we felt working a customer service line on V-Day was bad enough.

  16. I’ve been trying to find time to call the company who makes the shampoo I’m using and HATE. But I haven’t found that thirty seconds to gripe about it. It was my own fault for buying it — it’s hippie organic crap and they donate a portion of the money to save the baby monkeys or something. It sucks.

    I’m totally serious.

  17. I called.

    I think I was 12 or 13, and I wanted to know if my shampoo was biodegradable. I remember being on hold for an hour. I never found out if it was biodegradable. Don’t call.

  18. It’s really just like Chris Farley said in Tommy Boy. The guarantee is there to comfort you…

  19. My friend called Taco Bell to complain when he got busted for going around the counter.

    Taco Bell sent him like 9 billions coupons. So you got that going for you.

  20. jason – I think singing them the song in my head during each shower would be good too.

    deutlich – Doesn’t surprise me at all. Sadly.

    tiff – A live-blog would be hilarious. Good idea!

    poodlegoose – Anything to help my fellow bloggers out.

    pinkjelly – I bet they’ll tell you to spend more money on products.

    justin – I’m gonna press for the VIP comp. I’ll let you know what happens.

    noelle – Wow. Was she frazzled all the time. I always imagine people who have to do that are extremely fried.

    allie – Please don’t let Serious Sally out of the house again. Sarcastic Sam doesn’t like her.

    ashley – Hahaha – that is a great story. They should’ve just sent a big bag of cookie dough pieces.

    Kristen – Right. I hope that friend loves her accident.

    nancypearl – Hahaha – I’ve never thought of that. You’re awesome.

    mickey – They know you by name huh?

    maxie – I bet Paul Mitchell is an asshole. He always seems like one on the ads.

    mindy – They’re always so damn sour! You know what I’m talking about, right?

    lauren – I bet the woman killed herself right after that call. I kid!

    melissa – I knew you hard baby monkeys. I just fucking knew it.

    betsy – Hahaha – why did you care at 12 years-old if your shampoo would melt into Mother Earth or not? That’s a good question right there. When I was 12 I was stealing G.I. Joes from Jake Brieding. Don’t tell him!

    matt – Very good point.

    rs27 – So this friend, he’s probably had his fill of burritos then, huh?

  21. I would love to constantly be in your head. I would never think of shit like this to write!

  22. I have to admit that I did call once, but only because my dog ate an entire bar of soap and I wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to die, was more on the concern side of the reason the phone number exists. But it’s a very good question, who actually calls to comment?

  23. notsojenny

    i used to wonder about such things until i started my career in the world of marketing. feedback is crucial. so whenever i get a comment card, or anything i leave my opinion. even if they don’t change whatever it is that ticked me off, maybe they’ll bring it to the attention of someone who cares. you never know how far your opinion goes until you give it.
    i vote that you should call them and say you like it : )

  24. wow! your mind does wander far doesn’t it? well, i also have to agree with the others and encourage you to call… just for shits and giggles! maybe even call twice, under 2 different personas… 1 being totally satisfied sing praises and the other being totally disgruntled and offensive. then blog about the different responses you got from them. wait!… am i giving you blogging homework?! sorry man… forgive me… forget what just said!

  25. You should condition your hair too. It’s important.

  26. i say go ahead and call, then please, blog about how it all goes.

  27. Stylists call sometimes, if they have a question about the product.

    Customers call, also, to find other locations that carry the shampoo.

    I’ve called before, to find out if they test on animals.

    That’s no fun, though. Now, just because I’m inspired by you, I’m going to call with questions completely unrelated to hair care: “How many grams of fiber are in a banana?” “What is the anti-derivative of 2x-3?” “I can’t remember– what was Slater’s first name on ‘Saved by the Bell’? Can you help me?”

    (I can totally remember.)

  28. When I was in high school, my friend and I found the same comments/questions info on a bottle of Mountain Dew. So we promptly called and complained that Yellow Number 8 had killed our sperm count and hindered out sex lives.

  29. diva – Inside my head is a dark and stormy place. Okay, maybe I read that in a book. It’s not that bad.

    dutchess – You’re in the clear, I would’ve called too if Jack ate something other than pens, the coffee table and tennis balls.

    notsojenny – That’s true, and I do love giving my opinion – so maybe I should.

    aaron – Hahaha – I was like, “damn man, that’s a lot of shit.”

    kiala – Yes Mom!

    brookem – I don’t know if I have the patience, but I think I might try.

    jenbun – You can??? I had to look it up right now. Albert Clifford, huh? Sounds kinda weak to me.

    birdwatching – I bet they loved hearing that.

  30. My roommate called them once because she thought her shampoo was too runny (yeah, she was a joy to live with). They responded by sending her free shampoo and a Garnier walkman. Yes, apparently Garnier makes walkmans now that no one else does and they give them to shampoo complainers.

  31. I just don’t think you should ASSUME that all small grapes are sour. I bet some of them are delicious, but they just don’t get a chance with that kind of discrimination. Think about it.

  32. I wonder if they have actual people answering the phones or if it’s all a recording and “push this button” type of deal.

    “Push 1 if your hair is too clean as a result of our product.”

    “Push 2 if you’re completely satisfied and are just calling to be an asshat.”

  33. megkathleen

    I don’t see what the big deal is – I call these numbers ALL the time. But, to be fair, I guess my opinion is more important than everyone else’s…

    Oh, and by the way, you should never repeat! It will dry out your hair…horror of horrors I know!

  34. Ben

    You should pick up a copy of the book, Letters from a Nut. It’s a whole collection of hilarious letters this guy sent major corporations.

    i.e. Dear Coca Cola, I am launching a new beverage I plan to call Kiet Doke. Would you mind telling me what ingredients you use in Diet Coke? They’ll be TOTALLY different, I swear.

    So good.

  35. Okay this is sad, but I do know someone who makes a habit of calling numbers on bottles, packages, what have you, to complain or praise to get free stuff. Desperate times call for desperate measures!

  36. i always wonder about the satisfaction guaranteed numbers too. but i did have a friend who called about a product and said she liked it and they sent her a coupon to get another one for free. so maybe you’ll get some free shampoo if you call? you never know. i’d be curious to hear what would happen though.

  37. Go in to your pantry and call EVERY single customer service line on any item. Bam, no grocery shopping next month. Living off samples never tasted sooo good.

  38. One time I called the number on a box of hair dye to ask them a question…

  39. One time I chose to “repeat” as instructed just to see if my hair would look more glamorous like the ladies in the commercials. It didn’t. Maybe I should call.

  40. your blog makes me happy.

    i used to work at a place that sold horny goat weed that is supposed to help old men hold an erection. you get where this is going right? i got a lot of calls about dissatisfied customers. sometimes i think they were in the act.

    never again

  41. David Letterman did a really funny skit along those lines a few years ago. Around Thanksgiving, he called the Butterball hotline to ask questions about turkeys. I wonder if it’s on YouTube.

  42. I once wrote Ben & Jerry’s because I was not satisfied with the amount of cookie dough in my ice cream.

    Yeah, you’re jealous of my exciting life.

  43. christylou – Hahaha – she must be the talk of the town with such a snazzy device!

    mindy – I don’t like things that are different from the norm.

    nicole – Hahaha – “asshat?” What is that – like a hat for your ass? I guess you wouldn’t want to be an asshat, with all the smells and stuff down there.

    megkathleen – I vow never to repeat!

    ben – Hahaha – that sounds like something I’d be into.

    1218 – Really??? Well, whatever floats your boat, I guess.

    katelin – Yeah, but I don’t like Doing Things, so I’ll probably never actually call.

    meghan – You are one clever fox! I feel like I’m living in 1923 for having just said that.

    hollywood – Ok. And…? Did you fall asleep while typing that comment?

    stephanie – Do it. They need to here your voice!

    alexa – Thanks! Oh man, that is just too bad. I, I just feel terribly for you. Old men + erections = sadness.

    hahasound – Nice. Gonna have to look that up.

    cherryride – I am!

  44. Jo

    Hehe. It wasnt Herbal Essences shampoo was it? Because I remember noticing nearly the exact same thing a few weeks ago and thinking “whaaaaat!”

    But then…there was the time aged 10 I rang loads of cosmetic / shampoo companies free phone numbers to check if their products were tested on animals. That waas also the year I wrote to Tony Blair about mad cow disease I think. I was such a good samaritan – what happened?

  45. Caitlin

    I’m a little late but had to weigh in on this. My brother used to work at this deli and they had a certain kindn of soap in the men’s bathroom that, apparently, he really liked. Well, one day they switched the soap from the regular stuff to the foam soap, and that really pissed my brother off. He took down the 800-number that was on the bottle (apparently all products have them) and saved it in his cell phone. Next time he got piss-drunk he called the number and left a reallllly long rant on the voicemail about how much he hated the foam soap and how pissed he was that they changed it. Imagine being the person that picked up THAT message. That would’ve made my day. A couple weeks later they went back to the regular soap (not because my brother called or anything) and my brother got wasted again and left ANOTHER message…because he had gotten used to the foam and ended up liking it and was pissed that they took it away.

    So there’s one answer to your question about who even calls these numbers 🙂

  46. hahaha i have ALWAYS thought this…

    i always get bored and read my shampoo bottles…i was thinking of telling them that i got soap in my eyes once and it was not tear free and i would appreciate it if they made it more like loreal for kids.

  47. jo – You grew up and got bitter – just like me!

    caitlin – That’s pretty damn funny, it sounds like your brother is a pretty cool dude.

    amanda – I think they’d like to hear that.

  48. No I didn’t fall asleep. But I thought I’d just give you the relevant piece of information because the story as a whole is boring.

    Point is I’M the person who calls those numbers.

  49. tia

    i love the tags for this post.

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