retail therapy

Now that it is getting warm outside, it is time to do that inevitable task – that one thing that hovers over me every year around this time like the memory of that really ugly chick I slept with in college.

It’s time to shop for t-shirts.

Shopping for t-shirts has got to be one of the worst things imaginable. Even worse than having to watch a full season of Making The Band.

It’s that bad.

T-shirts are a shifty and sneaky product.

I go into one store, try on a medium, and it fits perfectly.

I feel confident now, so the next store I’m in, I pick up a medium right away – because I am a Knowledgeable Shopper.

Only this time, when I hold up the t-shirt to see if it’ll fit, it looks like it has been made to fit an elephant. Who can’t keep his snout out of the Twinkies box.

And then there is The Problem With The Sleeves.

Why is it that T-Shirts For Men fit perfectly in all areas, and then have sleeves that are made for an infant?

I’m not packing huge guns (well, they are Pretty Nice, but no need to get into specifics here).

I should be able to wear a t-shirt without having the sleeves slice into my armpits, or just disappear in general – making it look like I purchased a sleeveless-shirt On Purpose. Like anyone would do that who was not drunk or a resident of New Jersey.

But the t-shirt gods don’t like Making Sense, they like Making Chris Mad, so they fuck with me every time it gets to be warm out.

Well I’ve decided to do something about this.

I am a Man Of Action, after all.

Next time I go shopping for t-shirts, I’m going to wear one that fits well, walk into the store, raise my arms above my head and declare, “This! This is what I need!!! Can anyone help me find this???”

I think the people working there will like that, and I’ll get a t-shirt that doesn’t make me want to cry inside.


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48 responses to “retail therapy

  1. I can’t even begin to tell you the problems of shopping for shirts in women’s sizes. But I can feel your pain… I guess. Hope you find some great t-shirts. 🙂

  2. Ben

    Just work the retail homos like you surely can. Although, they will most definitely shove you into shirts two sizes too small. Stay strong and let them watch you change for discounts.

  3. at least you aren’t a chick with some hips – try shopping for jeans with a ghetto booty and a much smaller waist?


  4. haha, why don’t you just get your shirt from the same place every year?

  5. Ugh!

    I know it.

    My guns are always making my T-shirts look too small for me too.

    I fucking hate that.

  6. This summer, I’m wearing nothing but the old school Hulk Hogan tear away shirts. Well, that and some pants.

    Sure, I might have to get waxed more often, but it’ll totally be worth it if I can Hulk it up and tear off my shirt every time someone pisses me off. Stuck in traffic? Found mustard on my burger? Safeway out of Phish Food? Get ready for Hulkamania to run wild.

  7. You shop for t-shirts? Outside of a few concert tees, I’ve never payed for a t-shirt in my life. T-shirts just accumulate mysteriously in the drawer until I finally have to throw some out to make room. Every once in a while, one shows up that just happens to fit and it makes it into the rotation.

    Every year, really? What happened to last year’s shirts?

  8. notsojenny

    i’ve decided to change my outlook on shirts. i’ve decided that all shirts with sleeves are SUPPOSED to be 3/4 length on me. that’s the style, right? because i can’t imagine that i have baboon(sp?) arms or that my body is actually too small for the size shirts i need.
    yes, that’s it, they’re definitely 3/4 sleeves.

  9. t-shirts are SO hard to find, i totally agree with this post.

    i have found that american apparel work perfectly

  10. The pit slicing is the WORST. I’ve actually put a moratorium on non-significant t-shirt purchases (i.e. those not supporting a friend/cause/event), because I’ve got about nine billion. So much stuff.

  11. HAHA!! I’ve heard this same argument from just about every guy I know!

    I’m not a big fan of T-shirt for girls so I don’t really have this problem….sorry I can’t help.

  12. poodlegoose – See, we need to band together and end this bullshit.

    ben – You are a smart man.

    deutlich – I wish I was a woman with a ghetto booty and a small waist – I’d never leave my apartment.

    maxie – You gotta switch it up and stay fresh!

    kristen – I figured you had this same problem. Let’s hit the gym together this weekend.

    justin – Hahaha – I want to hang out.

    mickey – Yeah, I know, I’m kinda girly when it comes to clothes. I still like beer and sports though! I promise!!!

    notsojenny – Hahaha – a perfect plan.

    alexa – Oh no, don’t get me started on American Apparel. Although I am a big fan of their ads.

    brooklyn – That’s a good idea man.

    allie – Exactly, we are all walking around in t-shirts that don’t fit right.

  13. I hate the phrase retail therapy! That said, I feel like Chris has an overabundance of t-shirts and can’t find anything else that he likes. Strange how one man’s dilemma is another man’s treasure.

  14. I like Making the Band.

  15. Dude, get linen pants, too. Then no one will even notice your t-shirt because, hello? Linen pants.

  16. Keef

    Dude, don’t get me started on finding clothes that fit…

  17. Shopping for anything apparel sucks. I dont know why women love it so much.

    Polar opposites. Mars & venus. Thats right, capital M…lower case v. Thats how I roll.

  18. You know what’s more weird? I put on the t-shirt, I like it and I buy it. And later when I decide to wear it, I’m all like, “I spent money for this crap??”

  19. Chicks have similar problems. I wish someone could explain to me the logic behind sizing. I am not an extra large person, not by a long shot, so why at some stores does an XL t-shirt fit me correctly when I’m clearly a medium everywhere else? I’m not asking to be relabled an XS, I could care less what the tag says, I just think it’s absurd to make clothes that only do 1 of 2 things – 1) fit a fetus, or 2) make everyone else feel like shit.

  20. Oh, and don’t even get me started on underthings. I went shopping this weekend to get frilly things to wear under my wedding dress and I am baffled that panties labled both S and L fit me. WTF? How can I simultaneously have a small and large ass? Furthermore, if I’m a C, then I’m a C. Not sometimes a B and other times a D. Jesus!

  21. now you know how every girl in the world feels when trying to buy anything.

    quit being a little bitch. 🙂

  22. You shop for t-shirts EVERY year? Maybe I should update my wardrobe from 2002.

    New Jersey residents will not stand for your mockery of our state. Ok, yes we will. Its hilarious.

  23. Ugh, don’t get me started on shopping for women’s clothes. Try being short, skinny, but with hips. Jeans don’t fit. Apparently that’s not “average.” And all those new trendy dresses? They make me look pregnant. I don’t want to look pregnant.

    I wish all clothes were the same size. You find one shirt that fits in a medium, ALL shirts will fit in a medium. So much easier!

  24. crissyspage

    Oh yes! The gym sounds lovely, and after that can we go have some martinis?

    They’ve been on my training table for years!

  25. Oh my god, Kiala is going to KILL me, but I vote for American Apparel.

    I said it, I meant it.

    But please don’t tell her I said it or I meant it.

  26. nancypearl – I know, I hate it too, I just thought I was Being Clever by naming this post that.

    kiala – Really? You should call Puffy, he could use some of your talent on the next season.

    fort knocks – Brilliant.

    keef – Hahaha – yeah, you win on that for sure.

    matt – Let ’em know son!

    crazy sam – That’s the worst. And of course you’ve already taken off the tags.

    melissa – Hahaha – I think you summed up the two categories very well. And I can’t sympathize with underwear, I buy the same size boxers all the time.

    julie – You just put me in my place.

    rs27 – Well, most dudes I know don’t do this, so you’re good. And sorry about the Jersey reference, it seems to be my duty as a New Yorker to make fun of that state, even though I’ve never even been there.

    lauren – Right! Things would be simple if I ran the world, that’s for sure.

    kristen – Perfect. You can have a martini and I’ll have something more manly.

    melissa l – No way! Every time I go there the shirts are always a way too long, but they fit great otherwise. Are they supposed to shrink or something?

  27. idontliketoread

    i am always crying inside

  28. i’m a little jealous of guys — your spring shopping includes getting some t-shirts. how i would love for it to be that simple.

    i hate shopping all the way around – everything about it. it is tedious and annoying and there are Smelly people everywhere. bleh.

  29. Yes, I’ve had to witness this problem while with Devin as he shops for t-shirts.

    Some of them are insanely long. While also being very tight. It looks like he’s wearing a cocktail dress.

    I would feel bad for you, but it’s not as though you have to endure the hell that is shopping for a bikini, so…

  30. allisonmp

    T-shirts to men are jeans to women — never do two pairs fit alike — ever.

  31. I can’t think of Making the Band without thinking of the 5 greatest rappers in the world: Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.

    Also, have you thought about buying some nice fitted women’s tees? I’m sure they would make your arms look really nice, as your circulation slowly gets cut off.

  32. I think you should exclusively wear tight tanktops during the summer months. The ladies love it.

  33. Nom

    Is there anything worse than finally finding The Perfect T-Shirt and pulling it out of the dryer 1/8th size it was originally. It is like the passing of a loved one, sure you can still remember all the good times you had together – but a future without my 2004 Co-Ed Softball Champions shirt is a future I am not so sure I want to see.

  34. idont – I know old friend, I know.

    keef – That was great, I appreciate the link.

    ashley – Yeah, I guess us dudes do have it easy.

    hollywood – Yes, bikini shopping must be horrible. This is why I had the same trunks for about 11 years. Then Ari made me through them away.

    allison – You are exactly right.

    noelle – I cannot express to you how happy this comment made me. That was the best moment of the show, maybe all shows, ever.

    mindy – They do??? I’ll go buy some tonight.

    nom – Right. Like burying a soldier who went to battle with you.

  35. megkathleen

    Seriously? T-shirt shopping? Until you’ve been a woman swimsuit shopping or dress shopping you have no room to whine. As soon as you’ve done that we can talk.

  36. tia

    your problems are cute.


    “…making it look like I purchased a sleeveless-shirt On Purpose. Like anyone would do that who was not drunk or a resident of New Jersey.”

    and that, my friend, was hilarious.

  37. You are positively hilarious … I found you through Deutlich. I think I’m going to be staying for awhile.

  38. J

    Okay, now magnify that frustration by 1000.

    And you know what it’s like to be a CHICK trying to buy JEANS.

  39. Have you ever heard a nagging woman bitch about trying to buy jeans, swim suits or bras?? Now that would be a bitch rant.

  40. The way you shop for your shirts is just how I shop for bras, weird, haha.

  41. You think YOU’VE got problems……

  42. megkathleen – How do you know I haven’t?

    tia – Hahaha – uh, yeah – I guess they are.

    essentially – Thanks and do stay. It’s nice in here. Let me get you a cup of coffee.

    j – I should have never written this post. I am an idiot.

    felicia – Yeah, I know, women have it harder.

    katelin – That is weird.

    kali – Hahaha – I know! I know!

  43. I didn’t know t-shirts could be this complicated. I second all the jeans arguments. So true.

  44. megkathleen

    Good point. I should know by now that when I assume things I make an ass of u and me (emphasis on the me).

  45. distracted spunk

    I’m with the girls on this one. When you’ve got big boobs, shoulders, small waist, and whatever, it’s hard to find a t-shirt that properly accentuates all your assets.

    But I wish you luck on future t-shirt endeavors, and perhaps a shirt will appear that doesn’t have infant sized sleeves.

  46. I work in retail and I cannot tell you how many people reiterate the sentiment of ever changing sizes. Really it is bvecause of competing market. Sizes are really never TRULY the correct size unless it is measured such as dress shirts. (even those have changing cuts) It is all for marketing ploys to make people feel better about themselves. Sometimes it is also about who they cater to. If they know they usually get plump customers, the size 4 in that store will be a true size 8.

  47. Good luck with your endeavor– girls have it SO much worse than that!!! (The whole “boob element” alone warrants its own blog post!)

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