Now that it is getting warm outside, it is time to do that inevitable task – that one thing that hovers over me every year around this time like the memory of that really ugly chick I slept with in college.
It’s time to shop for t-shirts.
Shopping for t-shirts has got to be one of the worst things imaginable. Even worse than having to watch a full season of Making The Band.
It’s that bad.
T-shirts are a shifty and sneaky product.
I go into one store, try on a medium, and it fits perfectly.
I feel confident now, so the next store I’m in, I pick up a medium right away – because I am a Knowledgeable Shopper.
Only this time, when I hold up the t-shirt to see if it’ll fit, it looks like it has been made to fit an elephant. Who can’t keep his snout out of the Twinkies box.
And then there is The Problem With The Sleeves.
Why is it that T-Shirts For Men fit perfectly in all areas, and then have sleeves that are made for an infant?
I’m not packing huge guns (well, they are Pretty Nice, but no need to get into specifics here).
I should be able to wear a t-shirt without having the sleeves slice into my armpits, or just disappear in general – making it look like I purchased a sleeveless-shirt On Purpose. Like anyone would do that who was not drunk or a resident of New Jersey.
But the t-shirt gods don’t like Making Sense, they like Making Chris Mad, so they fuck with me every time it gets to be warm out.
Well I’ve decided to do something about this.
I am a Man Of Action, after all.
Next time I go shopping for t-shirts, I’m going to wear one that fits well, walk into the store, raise my arms above my head and declare, “This! This is what I need!!! Can anyone help me find this???”
I think the people working there will like that, and I’ll get a t-shirt that doesn’t make me want to cry inside.