I try to appear intelligent as often as possible.
I read books – even ones about Smart Things.
I keep up on politics so when I’m at parties I can say, “Frankly, I just don’t think our current economic system was built to withstand more trickle down theories.”
Even though I’m pretty sure this doesn’t makes sense.
But usually the person I say this to is so confused that I have just enough time to escape and grab Another Drink – which comforts me. Because alcohol makes me Feel Better About Myself.
I do many other things to make people think I’m smart, but most of the time I do things that make people think that I’m dumb.
Like this morning.
I was getting dressed after my shower in the gym while trying desperately to avoid the sprays of the guy a couple lockers down who thought that covering his entire body in Old Spice is A Good Thing, when I reached down to grab my towel and wipe my face.
I grabbed the towel and dried my face, then put it back down. This was when I noticed the guy at the next locker was staring at me.
I had used his towel.
I looked at the Wrong Towel, then up at The Upset Man, and stammered, “Uh, oh shit. Sorry dude, I thought that was mine.”
He stared at me in disbelief for a minute – then laughed and said, “Hey, it’s okay, I was just gonna tell you that you might not want to wipe your face with that.”
I had just wiped my face with another man’s towel.
And really, if you want to break it down, this meant that I had just wiped his balls on my face.
Because men have balls and they wipe them with their towels after the shower because they tend to stay wet for some weird reason.
Needless to say, The Upset Man now knows that I’m Not Smart.
And the rest of the day I’ll be walking around the office thinking that if I was going to make fun of myself I’d point at my face and say, “Ha-ha, look at Balls Face!”
Seems about right.