not what i had in mind

I try to appear intelligent as often as possible.

I read books – even ones about Smart Things.

I keep up on politics so when I’m at parties I can say, “Frankly, I just don’t think our current economic system was built to withstand more trickle down theories.”

Even though I’m pretty sure this doesn’t makes sense.

But usually the person I say this to is so confused that I have just enough time to escape and grab Another Drink – which comforts me.  Because alcohol makes me Feel Better About Myself.

I do many other things to make people think I’m smart, but most of the time I do things that make people think that I’m dumb.

Like this morning.

I was getting dressed after my shower in the gym while trying desperately to avoid the sprays of the guy a couple lockers down who thought that covering his entire body in Old Spice is A Good Thing, when I reached down to grab my towel and wipe my face.

I grabbed the towel and dried my face, then put it back down.  This was when I noticed the guy at the next locker was staring at me.

I had used his towel.

I looked at the Wrong Towel, then up at The Upset Man, and stammered, “Uh, oh shit.  Sorry dude, I thought that was mine.”

He stared at me in disbelief for a minute – then laughed and said, “Hey, it’s okay, I was just gonna tell you that you might not want to wipe your face with that.”


I had just wiped my face with another man’s towel.

And really, if you want to break it down, this meant that I had just wiped his balls on my face.

Because men have balls and they wipe them with their towels after the shower because they tend to stay wet for some weird reason.

Needless to say, The Upset Man now knows that I’m Not Smart.

And the rest of the day I’ll be walking around the office thinking that if I was going to make fun of myself I’d point at my face and say, “Ha-ha, look at Balls Face!”

Seems about right.


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72 responses to “not what i had in mind

  1. notsojenny

    HAHA, Look At Balls Face!

  2. You should never share soap with someone either. Just think of the last thing they wash and the first thing you wash.


    Balls Face.

  3. Guy might as well have given you Arabian goggles and a mushroom tattoo.

  4. AHAHA. That is a sad and hilarious story. UNFORTUNATE.

  5. Nom

    I’m sorry to laugh at your misfortune, Balls Face – but this post was hysterical. I do the same thing all the time…well not the towel thing…but embarrassing things in public.

    And what is up with the fact that they are the hardest thing to get dry?

  6. Awesome… I totally had a good laugh at your expense. I needed it, cause work is kicking my ass right now. But at least I don’t have Balls Face. 🙂

  7. Ben

    HA. That’s gym awkwardness at its best. At least he wiped clean balls on the towel?

    My own comment is making me dry-heave.

  8. I have nothing witty to add to this.


  9. My sister-in-law once got dick face from my husband at a family dinner – but that story is too long for this comment box. I’ll just let you gross yourself out thinking about it.

  10. I don’t understand testicles.

    And I think its comical when you guys wash them. You wretch your junk around like its a stick shift to get in every little spot.

    But it never works. They always smell bad.

  11. Rachel

    I’m so sorry that you have balls face…it could be worse, you could have “tea-bag” face…oh wait…sorry, again.

    At least you avoided the Old Spice.

  12. Can I change your link on my blog roll to Balls Face instead of Surviving Myself?

  13. At least you’re gong with Balls Face for the comedy. Testicle Face just wouldn’t be as funny.

    This is why I don’t take showers.

  14. Eh, not a good way to start the morning.

    Look on the bright side: at least you don’t have people stealing your hangers. I either made someone upset somehow or my hangers are awesome and theft worthy.

  15. HA HA…Im not laughing AT you- more like with you…actually- I am laughing with the guy whose towel you used…but wither way, someone is laughing with me.

    take two shots for that one.

  16. Marcos

    Nasty. This is a pefect example why I don’t shower near other dudes.

  17. Oh my shit.
    That sucks.
    I’m still laughing…

  18. OMG this story is too funny.. and, er, disgusting haha! at least he had just showered, right?

  19. That story makes me laugh… AND feel all icky all at the same time!

    Gross… but hilarious!

  20. Well, at least he showered first. I’m sure he keeps a clean house, you have nothing to fear.

  21. notsojenny – Don’t look too close.

    kristen – No way I do that. I have some sense. Some.

    fort knocks – Aw dude! Nasty!

    arielle – Yes it is. Yes it is.

    nom – Thanks. And I have no idea why. They just soak stuff up. Weird science. Man, that was a fucking classic, wasn’t it? I’m clearly off subject now.

    sassy – Glad to help. And yes, at least you’re not me.

    ben – Me too.

    deutlich – Nothing???

    rebecca – Yeah, thanks for that!

    kelly t – It’s true! I try so hard and it never works. That’s what she said!

    rachel – Yeah, really. Who the fuck thinks that stuff smells good???

    jamie – No!

    rs27 – I am about to adopt your policy.

    cruz – I’m thinking your hangers are just really fucking cool. Be proud of them.

    matt – I think I will.

    marcos – But what about that time back in high school? You and I… After we played basketball…

    kindredly – Thanks. I am the butt – and balls – of jokes today.

    rhodey girl – Yeah, but it doesn’t make me feel too much better.

    bloodred – Well, then I’ve done my job. I wonder if I can leave work now?

    jack – That’s what I keep trying to tell myself. He did seem rather clean cut.

  22. melissalion

    I find your tags inspiring. I hope my tags will be as funny as yours are.

    That said, I would have called in sick today if I were you because there is no way you could concentrate on work when you have Balls Face.

    See, Balls Face is different than any other day because you have Balls Face and not a million blogs to read.

  23. Hopefully your face wasn’t Smelly Balls Face.

  24. nancypearlwannabe

    At that point you might as well have made out with him. Who knows, maybe he’ll even call you tomorrow like he said!

  25. bloggingbarbie

    dude…thats just…


    so sorry your morning started off like that.

  26. were you just tea bagged via towel?

  27. Good Lord… can you get a shot for that or something? He didn’t wink at you or anything when he noticed what you were doing, did he?

    Maybe he didn’t dry his balls with it… maybe that was his ass towel?

    By the way, I’ve totally put a moratorium on mocking Old Spice. Ever since Bruce “The Greatest Actor Who EVER Lived” Campbell did that lounge singer/Duran Duran commercial for the shit, it totally earned its street cred.

    I don’t wear it, but I’m always tempted to buy some just so I can sing Hungry Like the Wolf the all lounge-y the next time I’m at a karaoke bar.

  28. this was an unfortunate story. but i still laughed. balls face.

  29. You’ve seen the Boy With Balls On Chin episode of South Park, right?

  30. bebecrys

    I was staring at my google reader recommendations and I was thinking “surviving myself” is a great title. Not only were you surprised by the towel, but I am, now, too. I laughed my ass off though, so thanks.

  31. hollywoodsucker

    If you get sick of being called Balls Face, I can switch it up and call you Crotch Face instead.

  32. I am so hungover all I can do is sit here and say “Balls Face” to myself over and over again. It’s comforting.

  33. melissa l – Thanks – your tags are off to a great start. And you’re right, if ever there was a day to call in sick, it is today.

    mrstwink – So far so good…

    nancypearl – He wouldn’t, I just know it!

    bloggingbarbie – Thanks, I am trying to comfort myself with thoughts of sports.

    alexa – Yup!

    justin – Yeah, that ad is pretty good, you’re right. Obviously they chose a new agency and they have doing great. That stuff still sucks though.

    ashley – Thanks. Balls Face is doing okay.

    melissa – No, I haven’t. Ready for this? I don’t watch that show.

    bebecrys – No, thank-you!

    hollywood – I knew I could count on you!

    kiala – Hahaha – glad I could help.

  34. Jo

    Easily done. I was in the gym changing rooms yesterday and reeeaaallly had to think carefully if the towel I was about to pick up was actually mine.

    But it was.

    So I didn’t get balls / muff in my face like you. Eurgh.

  35. Do you like your tea with one bag or two? Balls Face.

  36. Balls face does not roll off the toungue. He needs a new name.

  37. Damn! That sux…. balls…. hahahahahahahaha… see what I did there?!

    Hey, look at it this way, the day can only get better after starting it off with the remnants of another man’s balls on your face… Carpe Diem

  38. idontliketoread

    we can no longer be friends balls face

  39. uh oh. apparently if you say something stupid at a party, it’s ok, but if you wipe ball covered towel on your face, you lose bloggy friends over it.

    and i love the way you capitalize important things in your blog ranting. it’s changed the way i read.

  40. Another item for my list of “reasons gyms are stupid.”

    No, I’m glad you like going to the gym. It totally works for you, Balls Face.

  41. jo – I like muff face. Just saying.

    meghan – Two please. One would be even weirder.

    dmb5 – I think that’s appropriate.

    kelly t – Well, Balls Face is me, so I’m all for a different one. How about Totally Hot and Handsome Man?

    aaron – That’s true! I like the way you think.

    idont – I understand.

    poodlegoose – I know, it’s weird the way the world works. And thanks! I got it from A.A. Milne books. He does it all the time and I always loved it when I was younger – so it stuck.

    brookem – I know! So sexy.

    mickey – I am trying to stay slim for you and all get is mean remarks, well, that’s it! I’m getting fat now!

  42. Hah! I fixed my profile thing so now my name is all blue and highlighted and it links to my websit-y-thingie.

    I’m brilliant.

  43. Click away people!!!

    Wait… sometimes I forget there are other people who read this blog and not just me and the comment section is not my personal playground for my stream of consciousness blog commenting.

    Banning me from commenting might be a good start.

  44. I can’t stop myself.

  45. So much gross-ness happens in gym locker rooms. I could have a blog dedicated solely to the ridiculous adventures of the gym. Like the one lady who sits on the bench COMPLETELY NAKED which drying her hair.

  46. animallover80

    I wish I had the link to The Upset Man’s blog. I bet it would be awesome today.

    I hope he doesn’t have herpes or something…maybe you have face herpes now?!?

    (Did that make you feel better? Didn’t think so…)

  47. Maybe it’s not that bad…maybe you just have poop on your face.

  48. my chest seriously hurt at the uncontrolable laughter I just experienced!!! You poor poor thing!
    Your poor poor face.

    ::said with a cringe::

    oh and Alc-y makes me feel better about me too!! What a coincidence!!

  49. “And really, if you want to break it down, this meant that I had just wiped his balls on my face.”

    That sentence made my day. Sorry Ball Face.

  50. wow, 51 comments about your balls face. i like mindy’s best.

  51. LOL! I got nothing to say to that.

  52. At least you now have a good story to tell, Balls Face.

  53. melissa – No way would I ban you. You make me laugh too much. And yes, you’re the smartest Melissa I know.

    nicole – I know! I’ve thought about doing that, making a blog dedicated to the gym and shit that happens there. And yeah, that is not necessary. Put on some clothes. But wait, is she hot? Sorry. I’m such a dude.

    animallover – I bet his blog is awesome too. And no, that didn’t make me feel better. It made me feel sad.

    mindy – Hahaha – man, if I wasn’t laughing so hard at this comment I’d be grossed out.

    allie – Thanks. Yeah, alcohol makes everyone happy.

    julie – Thanks for your empathy. Or is it sympathy. Not even Jesus can figure that one out, and he’s stickler for grammar!

    ari – Aren’t you happy to be dating me? Just think, when I get home you get to kiss Balls Face!

    1218 – I think you said it all.

    larissa – Yeah, a sad, good story.

  54. The Upset Man may secretly want your number…there’s a thought.

    Thanks for the laugh. Balls Face 🙂

  55. This is why I give myself a cushion of like 3 to 4 lockers when changing. If you saw the guys at my gym you’d know why.

  56. megkathleen

    So…you immediately took another shower right? I mean who the hell knows where Upset Man’s balls have been. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous.

  57. Wow so does this count as you getting tea-bagged?

  58. Ari has good taste in comments…but I bet a bad taste in her mouth after kissing poopface.
    Ah, you can’t win them all.

  59. Thank you for putting my day in perspective! If anything goes wrong tomorrow, I’ll just think to myself “well, at least I didn’t use another guy’s towel!”

  60. Absolutely hysterical – you’re an official must read! LOVE IT

  61. Oh but we can stand trickle down economics… 😉

    Sorry balls face :/

  62. DDG

    I love your posts, they make me laugh out loud (which scares my mom more than when I watch South Park). My liking towards you has spiraled into a full blown obsession in which I check if you wrote something new every day. Continue to be the funniest male blogger and it might become every other hour. But hey, who’s counting.


  63. amberjeanette – I think he probably did. I was looking pretty good in my boxers.

    dustin – I wish I could do that at my gym, but it’s always so crowded. Consider yourself lucky.

    megkathleen – I washed my face. There’s no way I was doing another shower.

    dan – Sadly, I do believe it does.

    mindy – She does. She wouldn’t let me kiss her when I got home though, she’s mean.

    todd – You’re welcome, I am a good person sometimes.

    keri oke – Thanks!

    amanda – Should we have a spirited debate?

    ddg – Thanks! That was very nice of you to say.

  64. This is so amazingly funny! TOO FUNNY~

  65. That makes me feel better. While it sucks for you… it is quite hilarious. I hope you went home and scrubbed your face!

  66. Hi Balls face, I’m towel although your story was HILAROUS, it was also quite unsettling. As a girl (sorry if you don’t want to hear this), I must use a towel with a tag….so if said towel is re-used to save laundry space, the tag side is the guide to know what part of the body the towel has dried. The lower half of the towel never touches the FACE or upper body…No faces and nether regions sharing towel space. It’s a major ewww for me.

    So, I feel for you…my towel OCD just kicked into high gear!

  67. Wow, and I freaked out that my mom ALMOST used my fork at dinner last night. This is much worse. I think I’m going to start keeping a separate towel and washcloth for my dirty bits, just in case.

  68. There is nothing better than calling you Ball Face! Yay! 😀

  69. Ahaha, I always thought I did some pretty ridiculous things, but reading your blog has shown me that maybe I’m not so bad.

  70. tia

    could’ve been worse. i mean, at least his balls were clean.


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