There’s nothing more that I like than a little competition. This is because – like Ari tells me in Moments Of Great Frustration – I am An Overly Competitive Person.
When I’m on the treadmill at the gym and there’s a guy next to me running at 7.5, you better believe I’m running at 8.0.
I’m also really insane when it comes to playing sports and board games – I’ll play so intensely that it makes people wonder if I’m mentally stable.
I am focused until the last shot has been taken, the final chip has been dropped in Connect Four (I dare you to challenge me in Connect Four – it will only result in you crying Tears Of A Loser) and the last card has been dealt.
But there is one game that I will not play.
I will not play Monopoly.
That is because it is the worst fucking game ever invented.
No one ever finishes the damn game, first of all. And if there is no Winner (me) and Loser (you) – what is the point of playing???
It is also so boring it makes me want to rethink my life and maybe become a priest, but then I realize that if I become a priest I probably have to touch little boys and since I don’t like doing that I decide that my life is fine as is.
And don’t get me started on all the property shit.
No one fucking cares that you got all the railroads, okay?
And congratulations – you got fucking Boardwalk. Hope you’re happy because this is the best your life is going to get.
Whenever someone I know suggests playing Monopoly, I usually say something like, “Or maybe we could kill ourselves!”
Which usually gets my point across.
Monopoly is truly the worst game ever, and even when I do play the stupid game, someone always takes the Racecar piece before me.
And that really pisses me off.