game time

There’s nothing more that I like than a little competition.  This is because – like Ari tells me in Moments Of Great Frustration – I am An Overly Competitive Person.

When I’m on the treadmill at the gym and there’s a guy next to me running at 7.5, you better believe I’m running at 8.0.

I’m also really insane when it comes to playing sports and board games – I’ll play so intensely that it makes people wonder if I’m mentally stable.

I am focused until the last shot has been taken, the final chip has been dropped in Connect Four (I dare you to challenge me in Connect Four – it will only result in you crying Tears Of A Loser) and the last card has been dealt.

But there is one game that I will not play.

I will not play Monopoly.

That is because it is the worst fucking game ever invented.

No one ever finishes the damn game, first of all.  And if there is no Winner (me) and Loser (you) – what is the point of playing???

It is also so boring it makes me want to rethink my life and maybe become a priest, but then I realize that if I become a priest I probably have to touch little boys and since I don’t like doing that I decide that my life is fine as is.

And don’t get me started on all the property shit.

No one fucking cares that you got all the railroads, okay?

And congratulations – you got fucking Boardwalk.  Hope you’re happy because this is the best your life is going to get.

Whenever someone I know suggests playing Monopoly, I usually say something like, “Or maybe we could kill ourselves!”

Which usually gets my point across.

Monopoly is truly the worst game ever, and even when I do play the stupid game, someone always takes the Racecar piece before me.

And that really pisses me off.


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64 responses to “game time

  1. Monopoly really is the worst game ever. Everyone cheats, it takes FOREVER, and it’s not even fun while you’re doing it. Another game that sucks? Risk. Hello, boringness.

  2. bebecrys

    It wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t take 5 + hours to play.

    And yeah, I totally cheat when I play. Those gold 500’s don’t come easy.

  3. Nom

    Wait, what? Connect 4 Champion? I want, nay, I DEMAND a competition. I fancy myself quite the Quad Connector – you find a place to play online and I’ll bring the world of hurt.

  4. aimelina

    I have to say that I’m not a fan of board games in general..(ESPECIALLY monopoly though). Maybe this has something to do with coming from a big competitive family that intensely fought everytime they spent “Family Time” together with one? yes. maybe. We called those nights “family fight nights.”

  5. OMG I totally thought I was the only person in the world who realized that you never ever finish a game of monopoly.

  6. Monopoly, in fact, is the best game evar.

    Don’t hate!

  7. My favorite game? Hungry, hungry hippos. I played that game so much, I broke the poor thing. I am totally a board game queen. But then I graduated, and not so many people like board games once they’re in the “real world”. 😦

  8. this link has good ideas on how to shorten a typical game of Monopoly. In short: be a hardass about the rules.

    But yeah, I hate it too. I recently got dragged into a game of mahjong and loved it. Reminds me of watching my grandparents play.

  9. I bet you could turn Monopoly into a sweet drinking game. And since the game never ends, you never stop drinking and when you never stop drinking, inevitably some fun has to come out of it.

    For some reason I kind of like the thimble. Even though clearly the racecar is the most dominant piece.

  10. I am awesome at Connect 4. I challenge thee.

    Also, I hear therapy is beneficial for the kind of anger you’re currently struggling with. Think about it.

  11. Arielle’s right. If you add beer to Monopoly, it becomes the second best game ever (Trivial Pursuit, especially +beer, being the best).

    For instance, you put a cup of beer in the middle for Free Parking.

    Or you assign some beer-to-cash ratio, giving people the option to drink instead of (or in addition to) paying rent.

    Or maybe you just leave the game in the closet and go straight to beer. Whatever.

  12. Monopoly makes me want to stab myself in the chest.

    And not in a good way.

  13. tiff

    I can’t agree with you because I always win.

  14. that game blows. it takes a million hours and its like a miniature version of all the suckage in real life – property tax, paying other people for trespassing, going to jail…

  15. I feel the same way about risk.

    Settlers of Catan I love. Leave that one alone

  16. Oh man, I despise Monopoly. Even though I usually get to be the hat, it just always becomes this Game That Never Ends. I would often rather pour rock salt into my eyes (you know, for extra-painful chunkage) than sit down and be forced through that whole five-hour-and-then-some ordeal. I don’t like paying rent in real life– remind me why I want to do it in a freaking game?

  17. I actually have no idea how to play monopoly but I’m with you if there is no winner what’s the fuckin’ point! Games with no end, real fun…

  18. nancypearl – Risk? Oh man, yeah, that is fucking bad.

    bebecrys – You have to cheat! It’s like real life that way.

    nom – I will look into it. Quad Connector? I like that. I like that a lot.

    aimelina – Hahaha – sounds like I would be welcomed to these “family nights.”

    dutchess – Really??? I think you’re being sarcastic. If not, it never fucking ends. It’s terrible.

    deutlich – You’re crazy!

    poodlegoose – Hungry Hippos was a classic!

    jack – Mahjong seems to complicated for me.

    arielle – That’s a good point, drinking is a way to fun.

    mindy – I’ll kill you and it will just be Sad. And yes, I have heard that before.

    justin – I think going straight to the beer is the best choice.

    melissa l – Not like in the scorned lover kinda way.

    tiff – Hahaha – nice!

    ashley – That is a good point! I didn’t even think about that!

    annie – I have no idea what Settlers of Catan is, but it’s all yours.

    megan – Hahaha – rock salt would be extra painful. You are clearly A Thinker.

    1218 – Right.

  19. I can’t even remember a time where I’ve finished a game of Monopoly.

    Best game? CLUE, bitches!

  20. I always win at monopoly. Because noone suspects the sweet little thimble to kick your ass.

  21. Monopoly kills friendships dead.

    On the serious.

  22. I…I really like Monopoly!
    …but I like the racecar BETTER.

    …please don’t hate me.

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  24. I once played monopoly in our freshman dorm lounge for 6 hours. My friend wouldn’t quit and call it a tie. So I took the thimble and ran.

    It was a glorious day.

  25. Typical boy!!

    I agree with Kiala – it definitely a friendship killer! I stabbed my friend with the horse over the last RR!

  26. i like punching people in the face who like playing monopoly. because they deserve it!

  27. B2G

    Wow… and I thought I hated Monopoly.

  28. No, not in the Eliot Smith way. More like in the Virginia Woolf rocks in my pockets ennui way. Except rocks in my pockets isn’t nearly as exciting.

  29. My best friend is ultra competitive too… One night we were at the Local Dive Bar and I beat her ass at air hockey. Right after I made my winning goal, thereby trouncing her, she chucked her paddle across the table at my head. Of course having cat-like reflexes I nimbly dodged it, but we didn’t play much air hockey for a while after That Night…

  30. I don’t really like Monopoly either (but not with your same zeal).

    I personally like being the boot, and hopping from space to space. I think it’s funny. Others do not.

  31. LMFAO nice. I don’t mind monopoly if we change the rules so it doesn’t take as long. But it’s so utterly boring because it takes hours.

  32. I wish there was a “get me outta here” card in real life, where like the “get out of jail free” card you can use it to get out of weird, uncomfortable situations by just whipping it out and presenting it to all in your immediate presence at the time… that would be sweet!

    Oh, and I always go for the dog piece.

  33. mrstwink – I hear Clue is pretty good, but I’ve never played, I should try it sometime.

    meghan – The thimble is very stealth, you’re right.

    kiala – I know you mean business when you say, “on the serious.”

    lauren – I don’t hate you. I love all my readers.

    rs27 – Hahaha – a glorious day indeed!!!

    allie – Nice!

    julie – You’re damn right they do.

    b2g – Hahaha – you do! You do!

    melissa l – I’m not literary enough to understand that comment, I’m sorry. Still friends?

    sassy – Hahaha – that is a great story!

    larissa – Hahaha – you hop your heart out.

    ajemi – Exactly.

    aaron – That would be the most awesome invention of all time.

  34. Ahhh, I hate Monopoly too! It’s incredibly boring, and the whole “no winner” thing is also LAME. There’s a game in the Cranium family (can’t remember the name at the moment) that has no winner…while playing w/ my family we changed the rules so that we could determine a winner – otherwise what is the freakin’ point?

  35. monopoly will never die, they will always keep trying to reinvent it and make it “new”. have you seen the monopoly money credit cards now?? LAME

    so lame.

  36. I did finally finish a game of Monopoly once in which I won, but I still felt empty inside.

    Now Scrabble, that’s my shit.

  37. Fuck that fat little monopoly guy. He’s an asshole.

  38. I gave up on Monopoly when I played it on Nintendo 64 and realized I’ve been playing it wrong my entire life. Took all the fun away.

  39. crissyspage

    Monopoly can suck my dick.

  40. ride5000

    i found this picture of chris:

    apollo creed has always been black but i never knew he was so good at owning people via 4 in a row.

  41. Rachel

    Monopoly, schmonoboly–Scrabble is the game of champions! That, and I will kick anyone’s ass at Twister!

  42. I actually kind of like Monopoly, but you basically have to have five million hours to play it, oy.

  43. I don’t like to think of myself as competitive, but my friends and I had to stop playing Trivial Pursuit because riots ensued and bitches were about to get cut.

  44. You lost me at being able to run with the treadmill at 8.0. I never got there, even before I broke my ankle.

    Nobody would ever play Monopoly with me as a kid, and nobody will play with me now, even though I have a cool Simpsons version of the game. I credit that as the reason I currently have no savings and own no property.

  45. Preach it, brotha. I’ve played Monopoly once in my existence and it involved alcohol and me grandly sweeping the entire board onto the floor after about fifteen hours of around and around. FUCK MONOPOLY!

  46. your mom

    Monopoly rules ass! You just hate cause it brings back traumatic memories of mw wippin your ass at monopoly and fuck yeah i got to be the race car cause I was bigger than you back then….You should see me and Brandon play sports with each other, we both want to win so bad we argue every close call (I usually let him win but keep it close

  47. megkathleen

    You are obviously not as competitive as me because I will play monopoly just for the opportunity to kick somebody’s butt. Also, everybody’s right it’s more fun with booze involved (but, really, what isn’t). It’s also more fun if you act like Pearl the landlord: You pay NOW!

  48. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who gives up on the game after a few days!

  49. I didn’t read the other comments and don’t know if someone has mentioned this already, but Dane Cook has a really funny thing about Monopoly. Check it out.

  50. Monopoly?

    I have beaten lawyers, CEO’s, and other richy rich execs. I have lost to very blue collar type guys.

  51. I HATE monopoly. I see no point in the game and when someone brings it up I give them the death stare.

    I totally hear you on the competitiveness though. During a game of uno, yes UNO, I got pissed that I had every freaking card in the damn deck that I threw them across the table and and stood up and almost took out my friends chandelier that was hanging above his dining room table. That’s when I knew I had a problem and also when I knew that I hate uno too.

  52. You can run 8 mph?! What are you, a robot?

  53. carrie – I couldn’t agree more. Well, unless you said that the Steelers are awesome, then I’d agree even more.

    alexa – Yes and yes. Very fucking lame.

    kiera – Hahaha – see??? Even a win, which should feel great, sucks when you play it.

    matt – I know where he lives, let’s fuck him up. You down?

    cruz – Best game ever? Bond on N64. Agree?

    kristen – It sooo would too. I hear it’s a whore.

    ride – Nice!

    rachel – Is that a challenge???

    katelin – I think there is therapy available for that.

    felicia – Hahaha – thanks for letting me start my Saturday off right.

    noelle – Hahaha – I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll contribute $1 to your savings if you get rid of that game.

    exinator – If I could smash the board every time, that’d be pretty cool. Bravo to you for doing it.

    ron – Hahaha – see people? This is where I get it from!

    megkathleen – Hahaha – I love that video. Did she really say those things? It seems like she does, right?

    danielle – A few days? You’re more patient than me that’s for sure.

    nicole – Nope, no one said anything about it! And I will, thanks for the tip!

    dan – The world is an eerie and mean place.

    lissa – Hahaha – I think you did the Mature Thing.

    hollywood – Yes, yes I am.

  54. I fucking LOVE Monopoly. It’s my favourite board game.

    And I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m always the dog, and I always win.

  55. Im in. I will bring the ski masks.

  56. I hate Monopoly… but sometimes I’ll play it. Temporary insanity.

    I like to talk a big game, which makes me seem insanely competitive, but I can’t ALWAYS back it up… but the shit talkin’ never stops.

  57. notsojenny

    i’m partial to the mini iron myself.

  58. Once my sister and I played Monopoly for an entire week. I mean, obviously we took breaks and did other things too, but we would always come back to the game. Even after all that time no one won. We haven’t played since.

  59. Once my sister and I played Monopoly for an entire week. I mean, obviously we took breaks and did other things too, but we would always come back to the game. Even after all that time no one won. We haven’t played since.

  60. That Saddity Chic

    Oh I challenge you in connect four lol. I kick ass in that game. Hurry I’m only in New York until friday 🙂

  61. stealthnerd

    if you need a confidence boost and a winner (you) you could play a loser (me). in every game of monopoly that i have ever played i have lost. and lost badly. so badly in fact that my boyfriend took pity on me and loaned me money just so the game wouldn’t end in 15 minutes.

  62. Jo

    I used to love Monopoly. It was the only game I could stand to play.

    Since playing it twice with my boyfriend, who is like you a hugely competitive person, and all the fun has been ripped out of it.

    So now I hate it. Because he HAS to win.

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