a man of many talents

I could fall pretty far and still live.

It’s really a unique skill I have.

This is a point I have tried to make to Ari, J.P. and countless others.

“But how far, Chris?  How far???” You must be asking yourself.

If you’re not asking yourself that then you must have Something Better To Think About and if that’s the case then please email me so we can talk about How You Feel.  Or maybe I’ll just steal the idea for my next post.

I could fall eight stories and still live.

No problem at all.

I’d probably break my legs, but otherwise I’d be fine.

Of course I’d shield my face from the fall, because if anything happened to it I’d be out of my job as a George Clooney look-a-like and that would be A Bad Thing.  George gets a huge attitude when things go wrong – trust me, it’s not pretty.

See, the secret is that you have to roll when you hit the ground.

I learned that from watching movies about combat, like Navy Seals.

Also, I wouldn’t be running and jumping out of the window, it’d be a slow and controlled fall.

Frankly, I laugh when I hear about people dying from falling out of windows at anything under eight stories.

Okay, maybe I don’t laugh.

But I certainly think about how I would have done things better and not have let some enraged lover push me out – because that is just silly.

I think that my ability to fall really far and still live would even make me something of a celebrity.

I can see the headlines now, “Man Falls Eight Stories and Lives!  Cool Blog Too!”

I’d be in the hospital and everyone would Feel Bad For Me and I’d get rich from the book deal and George would be okay with it because my face would be fine and I’d tell people to read my blog and they would and maybe I wouldn’t even have to do the dishes anymore.

I imagine it’ll go something like that.

Don’t you?


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45 responses to “a man of many talents

  1. You do dishes? What kind of MAN are you? Are you the type of guy who falls eight stories, or the type who does dishes?

    You can’t be both. George Clooney is not both. He’s a guy who falls eight stories and then gives women the greatest oral sex ever, but dishes — never. That’s women’s work.

    Is this going to be searchable? Because I don’t want my man thinking he’s exempt from dishes just because I wrote an IRONIC comment on a blog.

    Goddamn you internet!

  2. If I ever met George Clooney I’d hump his leg.

    For real.

    So you’d better not show up on my doorstep after all because if you look like George I’ll have to hump your leg too and he would get jealous and then he’d be angry with you and I think you’re trying not to piss him off, right?

  3. notsojenny

    oh man, i loved Navy Seals. i even had (may or may not still have) it on VHS.

  4. its funny you posted about this! i talk a lot about it i were ever kidnapped and had to jump out of a car at a high speed.

    it IS all about the roll!!!

    now the eight stories on the other hand. yeah, i’d probably turn into a pancake upon impact.

  5. nancypearlwannabe

    I better start watching Navy Seals videos. You never know when you’ll be eight stories up with an enraged lover.

  6. Anything that could get you out of doing dishes is worth a try.

  7. Well now you’re just being silly, Chris. George Clooney does NOT have an attitude.

  8. I once fell six feet (like my head to where my feet were on the ground) and separated my shoulder … playing field games with eight-year-olds. Good times.

  9. i’ve always thought I could survive jumping out of a car going 80 mph….because – you’re right, it’s ALL about the roll.

  10. Now that I know you have this power, I feel completely comfortable with the idea of inviting you to join my league of supervillains.

    Having someone on the team who can survive falls like this might come in handy someday. Not really sure exactly how yet, but it has to be more useful than my own ability (the power to accidentally stab myself in the head with pencils).

    I’ll send you the paperwork shortly. Please make sure to get it back to evil HR ASAP.

  11. You’re special.

    In that short bus kind of way.

  12. Have you tested out this theory? I would like to be there when this happens. I’ll provide the beer.

    I once fell out of a floor to ceiling window, I really can’t talk about it… okay it really wasn’t that cool. It was in middle school when I was playing that stupid game where you run in circles with your head on a baseball bat. I stood up and then fell through the window. I’ve lost all my cool points haven’t I?

  13. You’re so deluded. The real secret to falling eight stories and surviving is the well-placed dumpster. Because nothing absorbs the impact of a human body falling at terminal velocity better than Hefty sacks full of beer bottles and discarded razors.

    You’ve been watching the wrong movies. There’s always a dumpster. Navy SEALS are full of shit.

  14. idontliketoread

    listen old friend it’s time. to put this argument to bed. I know an vacant building in my neighborhood, meet me there 7pm sharp. we will both jump, and see who survives… you first!

  15. I usually think about what I’d do if I were in a car on a bridge and the bridge collapsed, sending my car into the water, how would I open the door? Would I crack the window like they say you should? What would I do? Would I panic?

    Never contemplated the falling thing. Thanks for the new neuroses.

  16. This post was really funny. Although I have full faith that you’d survive and live to tell about your seven foot fall, I wouldn’t recommend trying it. What if you landed on a puppy?!

    I’ve fallen about twenty five feet down before and lived to tell the tale. It was into a net, but still! Maybe I should stop telling the last part…I’d sound much cooler without it.

  17. I’m with idontliketoread… seeing is believing. If you take up his challenge, please record it so we could all see you… ahem…survive your fall

  18. The fact that you referenced not doing dishes makes me laugh uncontrollably. Just hire someone! LOL

  19. Its kind of hard to roll after you’ve broken every bone in your body.

    Just sayin’

  20. I used to think I could do that, and then I actually broke my leg. I now conclude that I’d rather die horribly than break my leg again, let alone both legs. It just ain’t pretty.

  21. Marcos

    For some reason this sounds like something Dimitrious would say. I guess because it’s a really dumb thing to say unless you actually have some sort of experience or knowledge in the subject instead of just talking out your ass. Damn, son!

  22. Dane thinks he could jump from the roof of one building to another without falling in between.

    He also thinks he looks like Russell Crowe.

    He thinks a lot of things.

  23. It’s all about the tuck and roll…it’ll save your life!

    BTW you’ve been tagged!

  24. I would imagine that Ari is at least a little tempted to push you out an eighth story window. Because you’d be OK!

    But you’re still doing the dishes.

  25. melissa l – This is why I’m better than Clooney. I’m the best of both worlds.

    kristen – No, humping legs is fine with George. Me too.

    notsojenny – Do you even realize how much I love that you said that???

    alexa – There is no doubt in my mind that you’d be fine jumping out of that car. Now lets work on the jumping out of the window!

    nancypearl – Exactly!

    matt – I am A Thinker.

    mindy – You’re right, he’s too pretty to have one. Damn him. Damn him to hell!

    brooklyn – Hahaha – that sucks dude.

    ashley – See, great minds think alike.

    justin – Finally!!!

    deutlich – At least I’m still riding a bus. I have no idea what that means.

    lissa – Hahaha – you’ve lost some. But not all. You offered to bring beer – that always scores cool points.

    mickey – Are you telling me you doubt the validity of a Charlie Sheen movie???

    idont – I am down!

    melissa – You’re supposed to crack a window? I had no idea! Thanks for the tip.

    lauren – Hahaha – yeah, leave the net out of the story next time.

    aaron – I will. Anything for the readers.

    diva – Would you like to do them? I pay three candy bars a day.

    rs27 – Don’t hate – participate! I heard someone say that on Jenny Jones one time, pretty good right?

    noelle – Yeah, you might be right about the leg thing.

    marcos – Hahaha – D would be proud of me.

    kiala – Dane and I sound like The Coolest People Alive.

    boogiemonsta – I know, I think about these things very carefully.

    jenbun – Dammit.

  26. When jumping just look for building with awnings at the bottom so you can Slide off it and land on your feet making you the Coolest Person Ever. Or a cat.

  27. megkathleen

    This reminds me of a guy I met at a bar once who was convinced he could jump from the deck to the roof on the next building. He had a lot of trouble just climbing on the railing to jump, but I was really excited to see if he could do it…Unfortunately security dragged him away before he could try it.

    So, yeah, I want a video of it – I’ve already been cheated once.

  28. I can’t even look down from a window at 8 stories without feeling queasy. I’m pretty sure I’d just drop and roll while still in the building and not so much falling out of it.

    Although if George Clooney were at the bottom I’d jump… but I’m thinking a screaming girl who just shit her pants isn’t very attractive?

  29. The short bus is the one that takes all the “special needs” kids to school.
    And here I thought you Knew It All….
    I’m so disillusioned now….

  30. Rachel

    George has a huge ATTITUDE? I was hoping for huge with Clooney, but who cares what he thinks?!

    I guess I’m just a, “Shut up and get busy” kinda girl.

  31. Its taken me about 20 minutes to get this comment to work on my blackberry and now I AM an enraged lover and so we will test this little theory of yours when I get home.

    And I cannot for the life of me remember what I was trying to comment in the first place.

  32. tia

    you are an odd, odd man. but it’s endearing.

    slap george’s ass, tell him it’s from me.

  33. your mom

    Hey Fall Guy, would you be able to blog on your way down? Do you tuck and roll, or is it more of a tumble.

    Dude you are so on about Clooney’s attitude…I remember one day at KFC when clooney came through, he even came inside, drive thru is so Brad Pitt…George ordered a 12 piece with sweet corn and potatoe wedges, yeah Extra Crispy with double biscuits and a small diet pepsi…well I shorted him one piece of chicken…I DIDNT GET 3 DRUMSTICKS YOU SHIT!! yelled Clooney then from out of no where he pulls out this baseball bat and goes all Joe Pesci on the place!! had 12 squad cars, tear gas and some dogs to drop him…Clooney is a bad ass….Oceans 14 mutherfucker

  34. B2G

    question- how do you come up with this stuff?

  35. dishes!?!? ick!

    I think about things people do that ends up killing them and I think to myself if they had of done this and this or turned their body this way, they’d still be alive or he/she could have avoided the wreck.

    If you fall 8 stories, I can brag that Mr. fall survivor commented on my blog!!!!

  36. You do too laugh. We all know you do. That’s why we love you.

  37. have you ever tested this theory before? is that how you know. i’m quite interested.

  38. meghan – Perfect idea.

    megkathleen – You should have went home with that guy and Sexed him all night.

    mrstwink – Hahaha – you know, you’d be surprised what George is into…

    sassy – I knew what it meant! I meant I didn’t know what I said meant. And that whole thing just confused me.

    rachel – That is the best kind of girl there is.

    ari – Let’s not get carried away here.

    tia – Thanks. And I will, maybe.

    ron – Hahaha – Oceans 14 is gonna be sweet!

    b2g – I have no idea.

    tasha – You can write the intro to the book.

    qanzas – Okay, you’re right.

    katelin – Not yet, but as soon as I finish this glass of wine I think I’ll give it a go.

  39. If you could learn to how to survive in a falling elevator, you’d be invincible.

  40. i just imagine that you are in a PELVIS CAST which would pretty much be the greatest most stylish cast ever.

    I would paint it so the cast looks like denim jeans.

    or assless chaps.


    You funny.

  42. hahasound – You’re right! I’ll get to work on that.

    kelly t – Hahaha – I have to say, that is one of the most imaginative comments I’ve ever got. Thank you for sharing. Make mine denim, because then I could bedazzle it.

    kali – Thanks!

  43. nothing george clooney does would be considered “not pretty.” sigh.

    /extreme chick-ness.

  44. Tie your shoes really tight. Otherwise, they will pop explode of your feet when you land. Trust me.

  45. *pop/explode off of

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