your days are numbered bobby flay

Some of you know that my girlfriend, Ari, has an amazing food blog. She takes pictures of what she snacks on and sometimes the great meals that she makes us.

Well, she’s gone until Thursday and unable to blog until then.

Being The Good Boyfriend that I am, I decided to do a little food post in case any of her readers needed their food blog fix.

So last night I made A Meal.

I did this by drinking first.

If you look hard enough, you can see my reflection in the wine glass. I was wearing a t-shirt and boxers.

In case you didn’t know, this is how all great chef’s cook – half drunk and in their underwear.

The Next Step involved veggies. I picked broccoli and mushrooms.

Do you like how the knife was sitting on top of the veggies?

I knew you would.

This is called Placement. Or maybe just Me Putting A Knife On Top Of Pre-Cut Veggies.

When I was done slaving over the veggies, I made some Quinoa.

Quinoa is Spanish for Stuff That Looks Like Rice But Isn’t Rice.

I know this because I have Knowledge.

When the Quinoa was done, I put it and the veggies into a skillet and cooked them.

I added some curry sauce that may have came pre-made from Trader Joe’s, but a true chef never reveals his secrets.

Or is that magicians? Being a magician is A Sad Thing, isn’t it? I mean, who the fuck cares about making stuff disappear? Wow – you made a quarter come out of my ear. Give it back to me before I punch you in your unaccomplished face.

More on magicians in another post, I’m sure of it.

Here is a picture of The Meal.

While I was cooking it, it occurred to me that it kind of looked like someone puked in the skillet, but at least that person was eating their veggies.

I ate it and I watched the NBA playoffs and I was A Happy Man.

I know that some of you are extremely jealous of my cooking skills now. And this can be hard to take.

But just know that I too struggled at one point in my life to cook A Fancy Meal.

And if you take anything from this food post – anything at all – please know that cooking in your underwear can be fun.

Just make sure your neighbors can’t see you through your open curtains and you’re not singing along to Eddie Money as you do it.

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53 Comments

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53 responses to “your days are numbered bobby flay

  1. I’m pretty sure I was waiting for my portion of the fancy meal you promised. It never arrived.

  2. Ben

    Every time you capitalize Your Funny Phrases and Points That Deserved Emphasis it makes my soul all warm and fuzzy.

  3. Marcos

    I love pairing a red wine with an amazingly empty stomach. Seriously, how stupid is pairing wine with food?

    We’ve been making a lot of prepackaged Indian meals lately. They’re so awesome.

  4. I too cooked An Amazing Feast last night with a belly full of red wine. I however did not do it in my underwear. Or take pictures of it. (Although I would bet The Boy would have been even happier when he got home if I had been naked and barefoot in the kitchen. I was just barefoot and tipsy in the kitchen.)

  5. Can’t wait for the magician post!!! Pretty impressive meal

  6. Okay, I have to admit that when I saw the finished meal, the word “vomit” passed through my mind as well. However, it still looks more delicious than the not-Passover-friendly (whoops, sorry Mom!) Hot Pockets I may or may not have had for dinner last night. One thing I have definitely never cooked is quinoa so I yield to your greatness.

    And also, never apologize for anything coming from Trader Joe’s! It is a wonderful, wonderful place.

  7. bebecrys

    I thought more of the likings of cat spew, but I’m sure it was tasty. Positive.

  8. sid

    I tried cooking once. I burnt the toast. I pretty much stopped “cooking” after that.

  9. I didn’t know cooking was possible without being half in the bag. Sunday I was under the weather a bit, and grilled without beer. It was the most boring 25 minutes I can remember that didn’t involve work.

  10. i thought of vom, too.

    I dont cook fancy meals because by the time its done cooking i have lost interest, polished off the last of the wine and am laying upside down on my couch crying over the beauty that is paisley.

  11. I burned my nipple while making fries once. I made a mental shirt from then on: always where a shirt around the stove. And some sort of underwear

  12. mental shirt? lol

    Mental note* my bad

  13. Quinoa is Spanish for Stuff That Looks Like Rice But Isn’t Rice.

    This is basically what I tell people whenever they ask me: “What the fuck is keeen-waah?” I say, “um, the Aztecs ate it or something and it’s like rice but not really rice and better for you than rice and JUST SHUT UP AND EAT IT.”

    I am a good hostess.

  14. Make sure you put this other power on your application. My league of super villains doesn’t have a chef yet. When you aren’t falling off buildings as part of some sinister plan or another, you can make us all nachos before tip off.

    Super nachos.

    Super EVIL nachos, that is. Villains and all.

  15. I had quinoa last night, too.

    Copycat.

  16. I’m not that great at cooking. I can make a mean plate of pasta…but that’s about it. I do, however, ALWAYS dance while cooking. Is there any other way?

  17. You nailed that description. In my experience, though, food that looks like vomit is usually delicious. So good job.

  18. jamie – It didn’t come??? I’ll resend it.

    ben – You’re welcome.

    dan – Oh yes. Yes it was.

    marcos – I know. Remember Three Onions? Tom, who knew tons about wine, has the best saying, “Good wine goes with good food.”

    sassy – At least you were tipsy, I’m sure he liked that.

    diva – I know, I just forgot about how much I hate the worst magician of all – David Blaine. It’s coming soon for sure.

    arielle – Hot Pockets used to be my shit! I liked the ham and cheese ones.

    bebecrys – Cat puke is very tasty.

    sid – Seems like a good idea.

    jason – Hahaha – half in the bag? I’ve never heard that before. I like it.

    kelly – Hahaha – can we hang out or what???

    cruz – Mental shirt sounds pretty fucking cool though, doesn’t it?

    mindy – Is this before or after you drink?

    justin – It is a plan.

    melissa – I know. I was watching you outside your window.

    lauren – No, there is no other way.

    mickey – Exactly. It’s like the worse it looks the more you’re curious about it.

  19. My, my, my! You are a very “fancy cooker” as my daughter would say. Although I wholeheartedly endorse the wine BEFORE dinner idea, I feel that I must caution you about cooking in your underwear. You must be very, very careful when cooking things that might, ahem, splatter near your delicate parts.

  20. Oh my goodness.

    A. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO DANE ABOUT VEGETABLES PLEASE.

    and

    B. Shakin’ is my favoritest Eddie Money song.

  21. I like the fact that- not only did you have 1 glass of wine…

    you drank the entire bottle. I’m sure the meal turned out delicious.

  22. “Take me home tonight, I don’t want to let you go til you see the ligggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhttt.”

    I was just singing. Please do not take that phrase with any gay undertones.

    Cooking naked on the other hand is not recommended.

  23. Rachel

    Cooking in your underwear in my house always leads to this type of conversation:

    “How’d you get that burn/scar?”

    “I drank a bottle of wine, used knives, and then used the stove.”

    “Again?!”

    I understand this type of conversation is exactly why Rachael Ray wears pants.

  24. Quinoa is Native American for “not available at Stop & Shop.”

    Congratulations on the double duty of making your own dinner and figuring out how to photograph it!

  25. Magicians are really corny but to say ” unaccomplished life” really tickles my fancy!

  26. dammit, now i’m hungry again

  27. that looks better than anything i’ve ever made.

    bravo.

  28. What’s this “cooking a meal” you speak of? Does it involve anything that just needs to be zapped in a microwave? If not, what you just posted is a foreign concept to me.

  29. Ari is a lucky lucky girl….

  30. see the post above mine for the reason why.

  31. I. Am. Impressed. Your girl would be proud.

  32. Looks like someone has a new special red sauce.

  33. idontliketoread

    Pizza!

  34. tia

    somehow during all of this i pictured you as tom cruise in his Risky Business outfit.

    dunno.

  35. i am very impressed!!

    you’re funny and you can cook.

    i also bookmarked your GF’s page, man do i love food. my butt and thigh’s do too. stupid carbs.

  36. kristen – This what I hear.

    kiala – A) I will send him a pamphlet and B) Shakin’ is very good as well.

    matt – Exactly, by the time I ate who knows if it tasted like sawdust? And who cares??? I was drunk!

    rs27 – No gay undertones taken – singing Money is fine with me, so do it all you want.

    rachel – Hahaha – we should have dinner sometime at each other’s apartments and see if either of us makes it out alive.

    noelle – Thank you, thank you.

    diva – I try my best to tickle one person’s fancy every day of my life.

    deutlich – Really? Even the puke picture didn’t deter you?

    julie – Wow, I am a chef!

    aaron – I know what you mean man, I know what you mean. It was hard to actually do it.

    allie – Please email her this with that in the subject.

    1218 – Thanks! We shall see…

    ari – I know, excited???

    idont – Hotdogs!

    tia – Minus the tightie-whities and obsession with Scientology, it was pretty much the same.

    alexa – Hahaha – I can’t really cook, but thanks. And thanks for checking out Ari’s page, she’s the real cook.

  37. Eeww. I hope you didn’t make your girlfriend eat that.

  38. megkathleen

    Ah, yes, drinking a bottle of wine while cooking and then forgetting that there’s vegetable’s roasting and chicken simmering – that would be my life every night. Also, I hate magicians – it is ironic you bring it up because I just, minutes ago, scared my coworkers by expressing my full hatred for magicians.

  39. Let’s go back to that theory we had that you and I are living the same life on opposite coasts…

    I just had that same bottle of wine last week at my apartment!

    dun dun duuuun

  40. Cooking in your underwear sounds dangerous. Sexy, but dangerous. Of course sexy = dangerous. And food = love.

    I think I need to go back to therapy.

  41. Oooh looks like a fabulous meal. I’m impressed.

  42. B2G

    Bobby Flay has man-boobs… hahahaha

  43. SO many things to say after reading this post:

    — when your gf is away, WHY are you not having another Guys’ Night (even if just with the dog)??? Is that just reserved for the last night before she comes back?

    — I looked REALLY hard at the reflection in the wineglass, but I couldn’t see any of the naughty bits. I feel cheated.

    — Magicians ARE sad. Comedians are funny. I had a friend who always called the comedian I was dating “The Magician.” I thought it was funny coming from him, but now I think it may have just been that he wanted to make him Disappear.

    — that curry stuff from TJ’s is GOOD!

    — you asked for video proof that I am good at dancing in my undies… I think we need the same of you cooking/drinking/singing to Eddie Money in YOUR undies!!!

    😉

  44. You need your own show on the food network. You can be the next Jamie Oliver but minus the slurring into your food as you cook it.

  45. It’s always entertaining for us readers when Ari goes out of town. And Eddie Money is awesome. I’ve got two tickets to paradise, and when I get there, I hope they serve your meal.

  46. I cook fully naked and fully drunk.

    I win.

  47. aimelina

    ah.. thanks for the laugh. sorry I’m late reading this one! maybe you should start another blog.. but a food blog.. hmmm?? then you could not share all your secrets there!

  48. stephanie – Only if she’s mean to me.

    magkathleen – That makes me like you even more.

    hollyood – !!!!!!!!!

    melissa – Didn’t I tell you? “Sexy Dangerous” is my middle name!

    katelin – Thanks, though I really didn’t think people actually would be impressed by this.

    b2g – He does! It’s terrible.

    jenbun – I try and keep my naughty bits hidden as often as possible, it upsets the neighbors. And yes, maybe I could make mine a feature length film!

    essentially – I’ll stop by The Food Network’s HQ during lunch today and see what they think.

    underpaid – Your appreciation and use of Money lyrics in your comment is great, thank-you for that.

    nicole – Well, you don’t win because I really don’t ever lose, but I will give you dap for cooking naked, cause I hear it can be hazardous.

    aimelina – The world would benefit from that wouldn’t it?

  49. Great work. My cooking skills are so poor that I am impressed with your self labelled vomit looking work!

  50. I love drinking wine as I cook a nice meal!

  51. Delurking only to say that I love red truck wine. That is all.

  52. Larissa

    At least it was not Mexican!

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