cupid can go to hell

Everyone falls in love, right?

At one point in your life, you’re going to feel all squishy inside for someone and then want to show everyone how you feel about that person.

So you buy them flowers.

Or you hold hands. But hopefully not for too long because holding hands is just so un-fucking-natural that it doesn’t make sense to do it for more than a block or two.

I can take seeing couples Being Sweet to each other and all that crap, but I can’t take Extreme Public Displays Of Affection.

This morning on the way to the office, there were two couples who crossed this line.

One woman was hugging her boyfriend the entire time. I was on the c for fifteen minutes. She hugged this dude for fifteen fucking minutes.

It almost drove me insane.

I was this close to blurting out, “Okay! We get it! You love each other! Now just stop it, please? Grab hold of the rail like everyone else and stop being such a fucking idiot.”

Then there was the couple sitting down in front of me.

They were making out.

I could see their fucking tongues go into each other’s mouths and it almost made me choke them to death.

And I think I really might have if choking someone to death wasn’t Frowned Upon by the police. Because then they’d arrest me and I’d have to go to jail and I’d probably join a gang and then become Leader Of The Gang because I’m good at coming up with nicknames and gangs always have nicknames for the members.

The worst part about these two couples was that they were both in their late twenties.

They weren’t teens with Raging Hormones and zits.

C’mon.

I don’t need to see that you’re In Love.

Because while things are great and you can’t keep your tongue off his cheek now, half of all people who get married get divorced.

Snuggle Bear doesn’t like hearing that does he?

No, Snuggle Bear doesn’t.

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60 Comments

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60 responses to “cupid can go to hell

  1. Awww…

    What’s the matter Schmoopy?

    Are you feeling lonely with Ari gone for a few days?

    I’m sure if you asked nicely, that girl would have given you a hug too.

  2. OMG!!!

    I WON!

    I was first today.

    YES!!!!

  3. I hate witnessing public make-out sessions! I can’t believe you watched two grown people engage in it. Seriously – what is wrong with people?

    And I am so with you and the holding hands thing. Its totally unnatural, uncomfortable and just plain weird… unless of course I’m holding on to you because I can’t walk straight and need guidance. Even then – its a close call.

  4. Is snuggle bear the bear that used to be on all those commercials about laundry? I never trusted that bear and my laundry never smelled as good as he promised it would.

    Maybe the couples were celebrating administrative assistants day…it is an important holiday which brings people closer together.

  5. In high school, there was a couple who would link their arms through their book bags — every single day. So, in a hallway of packed people, you had siamese twins who wouldn’t separate because their arms were underneath their bookbags.

    I’m still in awe of them.

  6. OK, I really enjoy holding hands, and occasionally the cuddly hug, but making out not two feet away from other people, very very inappropriate. It makes me want to tap them on the shoulders and be like, dude, really?

  7. Yeah, no shit on that one.

    And you’re right about the hand-holding. It’s only a good idea when you’re crossing the street or trying to not get separated in a crowd. Otherwise, it’s just unnatural and sweaty. Let my hands be free, woman!

  8. penelope23

    I agree. I don’t like overly affectionate couples. Holding hands is one thing. Making out in public? Is quite another. The only way I am giving you a pass is if you are drunk at a bar.

  9. the hugging is cute but when I start seeing people’s saliva I freak the fuck out

    dis.gus.ting

  10. tiff

    the hugging is cute and i love holding hands, but that’s about as far as I go on the PDA scale. And when you don’t have anyone next to you at the moment, ALL PDA is annoying.

  11. hey, at least they weren’t 60 year olds. Have you ever seen 60 year olds make out? it’s nasttttty.

  12. I love holding hands! But I don’t engage in make out sessions in public. Well it has been known to happen when I am Very Drunk. But I don’t really remember those occassions so they do not count.

  13. 1] I totally agree on the holding hands thing. Plus your palms get all sweaty and stuff… ewww.

    2] The over done PDA is disgusting! Like those couples that endlessly make out at parties too! Arrrgh! Hate those… why don’t they just go home!

    And 3] If you had choked them to death and were running from the law I’d help you sneak across the border for freedom.

  14. God do I flipping hate PDA. I would have lost it, especially if I saw that today. Couples and such, being all lovey, shmoopy, blahblah, would make me throw up.

    Not big on hand holding either.

    Wow, I sound really, really cynical, huh?

    T minus 6 hours til Happy Hour.

  15. Yeah. Why couldn’t they just screw in public like normal people?

  16. notsojenny

    seeing other people’s tongues while they’re making out is nasty. i’d rather watch them have sex than see bad kissing. yuck. and i’m all for sweet PDA (hugging, etc.) but there’s some stuff that should just stay private. i hate when people dry hump in public.

    and M hates the hand holding too… he’ll always shake my hand free after a little bit. at least i know he’s not the only one : )

  17. Ewwww. I hate seeeing tongue in public. Subway PDA is gross because it’s like you’re in a very small room with strangers. It’s just uncouth.

  18. I don’t mind the holding hands thing so much but what does get me is sitting on the same side of the table! What you can’t even sit apart for one meal? I went on one date with a guy and he tried to do that and I knew there wouldn’t be a second.

    Also on my hate list people who call each other baby and honey EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I like to think the are cheating on each other and can’t be bothered with learning who they are with at the time.

  19. idontliketoread

    will you be my snuggle bear?

  20. I dont even like to kiss my boyfriend in private.

    I also dont like to hold hands, im bad at it, so i just kind of hold his pinky in my fist. Fists I can handle.

  21. A few things: I agree that holding hands sucks. I hate it. I also hate being touched and I shrink from any sort of love shown to me.

    And do you mean that you’d start a prison gang? I only say this because if you were to join a gang, they’d already have their nicknames. And if you tried to give them new nicknames, they might start calling you “Bend over and Grab Your Ankles, Woman.”

    I’m just looking out for you.

  22. kristen – I would’ve punched her if she tried. And congrats. I hope your day gets better than this.

    mrstwink – Right. I can see the drunk help, but otherwise no thanks.

    matt – Snuggle Bear needs to be put in his place by Tide. He’s the OG.

    allison – And now I am too.

    dutchess – Exactly.

    mickey – Hahaha – I’m going to use that line from now on.

    penolope – Good point. Bars are acceptable.

    deutlich – But it was for fifteen minutes!!!

    tiff – It’s not that, it’s just that I don’t like people in general. I’m nice.

    maxie – No, have you???

    sassy – I agree, they don’t count.

    aaron – I knew I could count on you. Thanks man. That’s B-More love baby!

    brookem – Hahaha – the countdown has begun!

    justin – Yes!

    notsojenny – Me too, sex is much more fun to watch.

    jessica – Right, I might as well have asked to join in.

    lissa – Hahaha – Ari and I always bitch about the same side couples! We completely agree with you.

    idont – Sweetums!

    kelly t – Hahaha – your boyfriend is going to love reading that. He reads my blog, you know that right?

    melissa l – No, I’d join one and overthrow the leader. They’d all realize that my nicknames are much cooler and kick the other guy out and maybe rape him. But only if I say so.

  23. First.

    Oh.

    Anyways, what if the couple hugging each other were really siamese twins? You would probably feel bad now.

  24. AMEN. Public making out is only acceptable when you’re wasted at a bar and even then sometimes you just don’t want to see it. Other time it’s your friend and the guy/girl is hilariously ugly and you take pictures to use as leverage later.

  25. Ok, this “hating hand-holding” thing has got to stop. HOLDING HANDS IS NICE. Accept it.

    Tongue kissing in public, however, is obviously reserved for when you’re either a) really drunk in a club, or b) at a Perkin’s for breakfast.

    Everybody knows that.

  26. So when I made out with Curt last night in Walgreens…it was bad??

    oops.

    I must admit I love pissing people off in public…so this won’t stop for the time being! Sorry. Its almost as good as letting the B*tch, that gave me the middle finger in the car, see me laugh at her!! Love it! BWAHAHA! <–my evil laugh!

  27. there is no tonging in the champagne room! or the bus station, or the elevator, or the grocery store, or the cavs game kiss cam or the….

  28. Ari’s lucky to have such a hopeless romantic for a boyfriend. 😉

  29. The best way to get people to stop, or at least to get the hell away, is to start moaning real softly – “ooooohh, mmmmm, yeahhhhh baby like that, mmmmmm.”

  30. Tide knows fabric best.

  31. Rachel

    maybe the hugging girl was just cold?

    as for the kissing…maybe they both skipped breakfast and were just hungry.

    who wants to “get it on” on the way to work?

    or are you just upset that no one mistook you for Clooney today…

  32. why are PDAs a big deal? i’m not saying i like the tongue display, but i can just ignore it. now public masturbation or public sex, that’s different and no, I’d not be able to just ignore it. i’d have to tell them to stop being f***ing idiots.

  33. I couldn’t agree with you more! Extreme PDA and especially seeing tongues going in and out of others mouths makes me want to VOM!

  34. rs27 – Nah, not really.

    arielle – Hahaha – right. Black mail. “Remember that hot girl? Well, look here – not so hot now huh dude???”

    mindy – Perkins make out sessions must be a Minnesota thing. Or maybe just a Mindy thing?

    allie – Walgreens??? What, did the cough suppressants turn you on or something?

    alexa – Hahaha – okay quick sports note: I love how the Cavs and LeBron are bitch slapping the Wiz. Maybe next time they’ll think twice about insulting the game’s best player.

    ashley – Girl don’t I know it!

    fort knocks – Hahaha – that is a great idea.

    matt – Damn right he does.

    rachel – No! Someone did, I swear! I can’t remember exact details about it, but it happened.

    erikka – I just don’t care to see two people being so damn mushy. There’s a place for that and it’s not two feet in front of me.

    ringleader – Good, the more people we get to say this the more it will become unacceptable. Bloggers unite!

  35. You ARE good at coming up with nicknames! That, along with your talent at Capitalizing the Funny Words, will take you far…

    … you know, in prison.

  36. i’m totally with you on that. my bf HATES even holding hands in public… except when he’s drunk. gotta love it. ❤

  37. Yeah, the train is a place for hand jobs under newspapers, and anything else is crossing the line.

  38. I thought that I just hated extreme PDA because I’m single, that I was just being bitter… but seriously! Kinda disgusting to watch, and by kinda, I mean completely.

  39. Dane and I almost didn’t become a couple because I refused to hold his hand in public.

    He got over it, obviously.

  40. Try being with 11 year olds and seeing two lesbians making out against a wall. Yep. Just happened to me.

  41. tia

    i hate when you’re HANGING OUT with a couple people and they just won’t stop trying to make babies right in front of you.

    i mean, c’mon. i don’t need to see your moves first hand close up.

  42. What can I say, I am a classy girl like that.

  43. B2G

    Ari is so the luckiest girl in the world. Clearly.

    😛

  44. Yeah, PDA can get really annoying sometimes. I’d like to take a pipe to the lovebirds. Ooops! did I say that out loud.

  45. I’d much rather see come couples swapping spit on the subway than some of the other activities I’ve seen:
    – Shitting
    – Masturbating
    – Kicking pigeons (wtf? how did those birds get in here and why are you kicking them)

  46. I completely agree with you! I thought I was the only one who is disgusted by displays such as those.

  47. megkathleen

    Your jealousy is quite apparent – I’m sure they would have let you join them if you had just asked.

    Also, I second Rebecca – I’ve seen people taking a shit in Seattle one too many times. Making out is better.

  48. I’m all for a little PDA but there is a line I think and making out forever and ever would irk me just a bit too.

  49. nicoleantoinette

    Sorry, that was me on the subway this morning.

  50. jen – Right!

    rachel – Men have been known to do many things when drunk, some things much more ridiculous than holding hands.

    noelle – Yes.

    bloodred – You are not alone.

    kiala – Such a romantic!

    ari – I feel for you. But I have to know, were they hot?

    tia – Yeah, that is the fucking worst.

    mindy – I just hope you tipped your waiter well.

    b2g – Tell me about it!

    1218 – Hahaha – yes you did and you should be proud.

    rebecca – Yeah, that’s a good point.

    katie – Nope. Come join the hatin!

    megkathleen – Do you really think so? I don’t know, I was having a bad hair day.

    katelin – Yes, you know what I’m saying?

    nicole – That’s a shame, I thought you had better taste in men.

    dan – Sometimes!

  51. Ha ha… You’re just jealous!!

  52. Jo

    PDA’s make me rather uncomfortable, but more so when it’s people I know committing the PDA offence. Then I’m like ohhhh get a roooooom bleaaurrghhhhh.

  53. I think the extreme PDA’ers are very similar to the extreme Ivy Leaguers…the more you have to talk/show about how in love, educated or rich you are — the less you really are.

    Or maybe I’m just a bitter single girl who can’t find anyone to snuggle with.

    Either way — great post!

  54. The other day I stepped onto the Q train and I swear I walked right into the PDA car. Every single motherfucking couple was locked in an embrace, in every corner of the train. I wanted to vomit and cry. I did neither, but I gave them all the stinkeye all the way to Union Square.

  55. I love how you Randomly Capitilize words.
    Makes me Very Happy. PDA does not.

  56. I don’t think the couple that was hugging the entire time crossed the line. So what if they are showing that kind of affection? I actually enjoy seeing it now.

    Now when my husband wasn’t around, I was very bitter about even seeing a couple holding hands. I suppose my perspective has changed now that I’m happy.

    Since I’m happy, I don’t mind seeing happy people.

  57. cupid does not = hell
    pda= fun
    watching pda= hell

    yuck.

  58. That Saddity Chic

    I hate seeing people make out too. I’m such a private person. I even cringe when the fiance holds my hand in public. What can I say I like my space.

  59. hahahaaaaa….
    good, good one.

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