full windsor

This morning, while trying to figure out which movie theme song is superior – Superman or Indiana Jones – I noticed a tiny little tag on my tie.

It read: “100% Silk. Hand Made.”

And at first I thought that this was Something To Be Happy About. If something is 100% it usually means it is The Best, unless you’re talking to a high school wrestling coach who would argue that 110% is really what’s required.

Hand made is good too – because machines are evil. Aside from my Playstation. He is nice.

But then I got to thinking that maybe this is not such a good thing.

Hand made? Hand made by whom?

I’d rather not think about the little boy who is sitting in his wheelchair in China or somewhere exotic and weird like that piecing my tie together with his bony hands so I can look like a pseudo-professional.

The poor kid is probably hungry too, because I’m sure the porridge that they feed him doesn’t have raisins or bananas in it. You know, to give it some flavor.

He just wheels his chair around all day, refusing porridge, planning his escape and making ties for me.

If you’re reading this Tie Making Boy, come to New York and I’ll take you in like the son I never had.

No longer will you be making ties, you will be seeing the sights and living the good life!

You heard me – nothing but the best hot dogs for my new son!

But until then, could you do something about the stitching on the back of these? Sometimes it comes unraveled in this one little spot.

Also, you should really eat your porridge.

No one likes a skinny minny!

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46 Comments

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46 responses to “full windsor

  1. handmade by worms! Worms with arms!

  2. Tell me you weren’t on the wrestling team in high school. Tell me you didn’t wear the supertight outfits while grunting and straining with your head in another boy’s crotchel region.

    Tell me.

    Even if it’s a lie.

  3. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have to wheel anywhere. They usually keep them chained pretty close to their workstation so they can eat, work, and poo simultaneously.

    Also, it’s totally a toss up. Gun to my head, I’d probably to with Indy most days, though.

  4. Tiff, I was going to mention the worms who made the silk, but the vision of Chris in a wrestling uniform overtook my concern for the well being of silk worms.

  5. I JUST saw a segment on the Worms Who Make Silk this morning on the Today Show!

  6. Look, I don’t want to make you feel any worse (yes I do), but I bet that little boy doesn’t even HAVE a wheelchair. I bet he has to sit on the floor, and when he has to move somewhere he has to ask one of the other children (the ones with legs) if they will lift him up and take him where he needs to go. I bet that’s how it is, Chris. Didn’t your mother teach you anything about China…and the legless children with no wheelchairs?

    Um. Yeah.

  7. I prefer to think of my clothes made by the small Mexican children with leprosy who used to try and sell chicle to me and my family as we crossed the border into Tijuana to buy prescription drugs. I mean selling chicle is such a dead-end job.

  8. Indiana Jones!!

    Glad you don’t like too skinny minny—’cause remember, yesterday? When I talked about having weight issues? Yeah.

    And your boy probably doesn’t HAVE a wheelchair. He probably has to use his bony arms to propel himself.

    He may not LIKE porridge.

    Hot Dogs? Throw in some big macs every now and then…..fatten him up a bit.

  9. Nom

    Wait – you are willing to adopt and feed an endless supply of hot dogs? I’m not chained to a sewing machine making you ties but I do live in Cleveland – and in my book that is far, far worse. Just saying…

  10. Was this a Kathie Lee brand tie?

  11. Ben

    Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

    Your little tie-making boy knows this.

  12. T-Rex

    so, is rug making a step up or down from tie making?

  13. I give you props for “Tie Making Boy” because it reminds me of Jack Handey.

  14. can i be your new son? i love hot dogs.

  15. What if it’s a little girl not a little boy?

  16. You obviously spend a lot more money on clothes than me. I think the only handmade thing I own is the scarf my hippie friend knit me. And the matching hat. They are not silk.
    Maybe that just makes me a more conscientious consumer? Not just cheap…

  17. Dude, seriously, we are SO over porridge.

    Sincerely,

    The 3 Bears

  18. Indy >>>>>>>> Superman

    Everything >>>>>>>>> Superman

  19. I have to go with Indiana.

    Also, those kids like making ties and inexpensive handbags. It’s like art class all day long for them – except with more whipping.

  20. ride5000

    indy all the way.

    i can get a hat, leather jacket, khakis, whip, and gun, hone my resourcefulness and dry wit and knowledge of the ancient and arcane, and become indy.

    however, after conducting extensive trials i have come to the conclusion that dressing in a tight, brightly colored unitard with ruby red cape and pretending that i have x-ray vision, the ability to fly, and super strength, does not make me superman.

  21. tiff – Worms with arms??? I would like to purchase one of these.

    kristen – Hell no I wasn’t on the wrestling team. My god! I played hockey. Yes, I am fucking manly as hell.

    justin – Right, it’s very difficult to choose. Indy might take my vote as well.

    brookem – Ah, the fucking today show. I hate that show with such a passion. See an earlier post.

    mindy – My mother didn’t teach me anything about that! I’m going to call her tonight and bitch her out.

    melissa l – I had to look up chicle. You are smart.

    shelly – Doesn’t everyone like porridge???

    nom – But you have LeBron! I have Starbury, are you ready to make that decision?

    dutchess – I wish! It is Ben Sherman.

    ben – Hahaha – that may be the quote of the day.

    t-rex – Not sure yet, we shall see.

    jessica – Thanks! Man I miss those skits on SNL.

    julie – Yes.

    lissa – Little girls get thrown back!

    sassy – Here’s something: I once owned and wore patchwork pants that my girlfriend had made. Hippies love hand made stuff.

    rs27 – Well I was only trying to make you happy!

    dan – Everything???? You, my friend, are insane.

    kiala – Yes me too. You’re right, and they probably just make a game out of the whipping anyway.

    ride – That is a very good point.

  22. This makes me giggle to myself (everyone is watching me like what the heck is wrong with her)
    🙂

  23. Indiana Jones – hands down.

  24. notsojenny

    first: everyone loves a skinny minny! (i know because i’m one : )

    and second: he’s gotta keep his weight down if he wants to shimmy through those vents and use the tie ladder he’s created, by storing bits of damaged ties under his tongue each night, to get away. those kids are crafty… they’ll escape if they want to

  25. Okay, okay, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You just don’t seem like the type to be on the wrestling team.

    I am just saying.

  26. maan… the amusement I get from reading your blog knows no bounds.

    thank you. because today fucking sucks .. well, that’s extreme. but work sucks. gah.

    so thanks. again.

  27. I’m going with Indy as well, but that doesn’t take anything away from Superman. Top-notch themes, both of them.

    And that kid’s better off making ties than helping to clear land-mine fields. They use wheelchair kids for that, right?

  28. You are clearly a good samaritan because imagine all those people that don’t consider the hungry kids making their clothes! Props to you for being socially conscious AND for lookin sharp. You are unstoppable.

  29. my clothes are made my elves in a workshop at the north pole so I don’t have to feel bad for people who have to do child labor.

  30. Brown sugar on porridge will make him strong enough to escape. And it just makes porridge taste better.

  31. You would be an awful father! Who’s daddy doesn’t know that Pizza totally trumps nasty hot dogs!

    btw: this post and rs27’s comment seriously made me LOL!

    Love,
    Goldie Locks

  32. diva – You tell them there is nothing wrong with you! Nothing!!!

    lacey – That seems to be the popular vote. I’m kinda surprised though.

    notsojenny – Hahaha – you have such insights!

    kristen – I am sobbing at my desk.

    deutlich – Thank you for reading. And yes, fuck today, I’m with you on that.

    mickey – Finally someone giving Superman some dap!

    arielle – Thanks! I am nice.

    maxie – You’ve got one up on me then.

    meghan – Yes, he will need energy, you are right!

    allie – Pizza is better, you’re right. And thanks!

  33. Maybe if the kid started making them 110% silk, they’d let him use a freaking sewing machine.

  34. sid

    You’re so compassionate ….

  35. I’m a lurker, but this post absolutely killed me. It’s just so sweet of you to offer the best hot dogs to the maker of your tie. If only I’d thought of buying a burrito for the tiny child that made my sweet new heels. I bet they’d be more comfortable.

    Also: Indiana Jones kicks everything’s ass. End of story.

  36. mumsie Lou

    That was flippin funny…..

  37. The “Indiana Jones” is the clear winner.

  38. Indiana Jones is definitely the more superior theme song, no doubt.

  39. nancypearlwannabe

    Indiana Jones, natch.

    Also, nothing brings out the urge to strangle quite like someone asking for 110%.

  40. megkathleen

    I don’t think there’s a contest – Indiana Jones hands down.

  41. I’m pretty sure those little kids work in groups. You might have to adopt a tribe or something.

  42. Indiana ftw.

    And no offence, but Tie Making Boy probably hates you.

  43. tia

    you could have him whip you up a whole new wardrobe. you know, to earn his keep and all.

    i mean, no! child labor is bad.

    (but when i have kids i’m totally teaching them to knock off couture. little hands are busy hands!)

  44. noelle – Hahaha – yes, I think they just might.

    sid – I am!

    hollywood sucker – And The Last Crusade.

    lindz – Thanks for coming out of the shadows! And yes, kids that make heels love burritos! Extra guac.

    mumsie – Thanks!

    jen bun – It is a winner by a land slide according the readers.

    katelin – The people have spoken!

    nancypearl – I agree.

    megkathleen – See, I think it’s a pretty close call.

    todd – Damn, you’re right.

    kali – He does not!!!

    tia – Hahaha – little hands are busy hands! That was awesome.

  45. Legend

    Gonna Fly Now….Go PENS!

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