I saw Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige last night at the Garden.

To a hip-hop fan like me, this is basically what I imagine heaven is like, only in heaven they wouldn’t charge you eight dollars for a beer. It would be free. And it would be handed to me by Vida Guerra.

I got goose bumps no less than 43 times during the show – and that was before Beyonce came out.

Oh yes.

She stormed out onto the stage looking all sassy and danced for a couple minutes, but then walked back off just as quickly.

It was odd, but I think it was enough time for her to see me waving at her.

In fact, I’m pretty sure she winked at me, but I didn’t want to tell Ari because sometimes she can get jealous about how many Famous Women With Large Asses love me.

It’s a sore spot in our relationship.

I try and reason with her, I really do. I tell her, “But Ari, they only want me for my body!”

She doesn’t listen though.

She sees the way Kim looks at me and it drives her crazy.

Somehow, through all the fights and me promising to buy her Expensive Things, we have reached a compromise. She can’t get too mad about these women because I don’t get mad about Ryan Gosling being obsessed with her.

I don’t get upset about Ryan, because look at him.

I could totally kick his ass.


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45 responses to “deal

  1. Ben

    Oh Beyoncé. She has my ideal job of strutting around to loud music and making everyone else feel bad about themselves.

  2. Ryan Gosling? You could totally take him dude. Forget about it.

  3. T-Rex

    OMG! I just read Beyonce’s blog–she saw George Clooney waving to her at the NYC Garden last night! And on his birthday no less–she had to shake it extra hard!

  4. when i read on ari’s blog that you guys were going to the concert i got insanely jealous. why can’t they come to cleveland? oh i know why…

    i live in cleveland.

    did mary j sing “i’m going down”? please say she did.

  5. I want to be Beyonce when I grow up. I mean, seriously. The woman can DANCE.

  6. Well…*sputter*..I bet Beyonce or Mary J. Blige didn’t have a HUNK of eyebrow missing? I’ve got one on THEM.

    Somehow, no strangers talk about MY large ass on their blogs. So, I guess Beyonce has one up on me.

  7. NOT FAIR. Jerk.

    Haha. I hate because I’m green-eyed like a Buddha statue. And for the record, you could totally kick Ryan Gosling’s ass.

  8. Kick his ass you can my friend! Kick his ass you can… You could totally take him!

  9. Mmhhmm… Ryan. Yum.

  10. WTF?
    I’m pretty sure I could kick Ryan Gosling’s ass. Don’t get your hands dirty. Let me take this one, homie.

  11. Hmm… I don’t get the attraction to Ryan Gosling. I guess he’s just not my type.
    I can see it with Beyonce, et. al. except that, well, I don’t do women…

  12. notsojenny

    i’m sorry to hear that you went to that concert. but happy to hear you made it out without a cap in yo ass.
    (they tell us white girls from CT that’s what happens at rap shows in NYC )

  13. Dane and I have this same deal.

    I look the other way when he mind- french- kisses Rachel Weisz and he does the same when I mind- get-to-second- base with James McAvoy.

  14. Beyonce’s ass just doesn’t quit. Sorry, Ari, there’s just no arguing with that. At least you get Expensive Things out of it.

  15. I do not think you are ready for this jelly.

  16. I got 99 Problems, but Beyonce’s ass sure ain’t one.

  17. I’m an Ice Cube girl. Since I was 15. I love him. I don’t care what Steve says or if Steve minds, because I’ve been in a one-sided relationship with Ice Cube for eons. Centuries. We’re soul mates. I love him.

  18. See…I told you all the pretty girls come from Texas. HOUSTON none the less!! Something in the water I guess….or the beer!

  19. ben – Hahaha – that may be the comment of the month right there.

    matt – Thanks man. You got my back if I can’t though, right?

    t-rex – Oh she was.

    alexa – Yup!

    lauren – Yes she can. I think you can do it.

    shelly – Beyonce has one up on everyone.

    brooklyn – It was awesome man, really.

    aaron – That comment sounded like something Yoda would say.

    deutlich – You sound like Ari.

    kristen – I knew I could count on you.

    sassy – Maybe you should! Sorry.

    jenny – I barely made it, but it was worth it.

    kiala – He needs to work on getting to second base!

    nancypearl – It has no quit in it.

    rs27 – I am! I swear!

    meghan – Hahaha – you and me both.

    melissa – I think you could lead his fan club.

    allie – It must be. As long as she doesn’t say “y’all.”

  20. Beyonce does seem to do a lot of storming about, doesn’t she?

  21. What expensive things?

  22. Please tell us what the wedding was like. And what Beyonce was wearing, specifically.

  23. Marcos

    Nice. Did any other special guests come out?

  24. Big deal. Beyonce’s ALWAYS popping up and strutting around here. We can’t get rid of her.

  25. I’m so jealous! I’m sure it was an amazing concert! Also I hate to break it to Ari but Ryan is mine. All mine!

  26. I am going to disagree with everyone here about your ability to kick Ryan Gosling’s ass. The dude is so hot he could probably kill you with his KILLER GOOD LOOKS.

    Get it? Killer good looks. Ha…

  27. Ok, that Vida picture is not quite safe for work. I’ll let it slide though because it’s only 11am here and I’m already bored. Girlie pics make the day go faster.

  28. ryan gosling was a mousketeer. enough said.

    i’d still let him do me though.

  29. I will punch Ryan in the face. No worries.

  30. Nom

    Do me a favor and when you kick Ryan’s ass – tell him to quit calling me to get workout tips – I understand he wants to look this good but seriously – the calling has to stop.

  31. tia

    #1 i knew beyonce would be there

    #2 i wish ryan gosling was obsessed with ME.

    #3 ahh. ryan gosling. the notebook. ahh.

    that’s all.

  32. megan – It’s because she’s not able to have me.

    ari – Uh – the toaster! Duh.

    noelle – I wasn’t invited because Jigga is jealous of me.

    marcos – Yeah, Meth came out and did “all that I need” with Mary J. It was awesome.

    justin – Well, you guys are better than my blog for sure!

    lissa – It was really fun.

    mindy – You are clearly on top of your game today.

    jack – Shit – sorry. But I bet you’re glad you clicked it, right?

    julie – You hussy!

    matt – Nice.

    nom – Done and done.

    tia – I can’t even begin to explain how much I hate the notebook.

  33. oh that sounds like one kick ass concert.

  34. But why WOULD you?!? He is SO adorable!!! If your and Ari’s deal is ever off, tell her to send him my way!

    I’ll trade you someone for him. 😉

  35. megkathleen

    I would give my right nut to see MJB in concert…Oh, that’s right I don’t have balls. I would give my right OVARY!

  36. OH SHIT!! I was just thinking the other day how Mary J. Blige is one of the last living musicians that I need to see live before I die. SO JEALOUS!!!

  37. Hmmm Ryan Gosling…

    Oddly enough, I would!

  38. legendofsleepyhollow

    Dude we would take him together, let him try to roll the mean streets of Dormont…speaking of famous women with large asses did Ari ever find out about Oprah….btw thanks for inviting me tthe show I would a quit my job to see Jay Z…peace

  39. Kim Kasharsomething? Pass, too fake looking.

  40. I’m always on top of my game, especially when “my game” is Scrabulous.


  41. I have nothing witty/obnoxious to say because I’m just flat out jealous of you + this concert.

  42. Never could get behind Ryan Gosling. He looks perpetually pouty and not in the cute way.

    And I agree with nicoleantoinette. Jealousy is outweighing my ability to be witty.

  43. I used to work in the office of my bads plating shop and sir mixalot came up front to pay for his chrome plated turn tables and he was wearing a red polo. RED POLO.

    i was disappointed.

  44. katelin – It really was.

    jen – Hmmm… Who do you have to offer?

    megkathleen – I think the left one is more valuable.

    felicia – She is really worth it, she fucking killed it.

    kali – Really? He’s got those beady little eyes!

    ron – Next time I’ll send you an invite, promise. And he wouldn’t last a second on the Dormont streets.

    dan – You are insane!

    mindy – ……….

    nicole – It was pretty awesome, they’re touring now – go see them!

    liz – Yes, I think he’s odd too. Ari’s a weirdo.

    kelly – Damn, that is disappointing.

  45. Yeesh. People actually find Kim Kardashian hot? I guess I like my ladies a little classier. Not that I even like the ladies or anything…

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