one hebrew two hebrew red hebrew blue hebrew

I don’t understand people who take the Bible literally.

There is no way all that stuff happened exactly as it is portrayed in there – no way.

Like Moses leading the Hebrews out of slavery.

The Bible says that Moses, being the smart man that he was, listened to God when he told him, “Dude, go get my boys out of slavery and I’ll help you out.”

I don’t fault Moses for this, if God told you to do something back then, you did it.  Not like now when it’s much easier to ignore him when he hasn’t unleashed his wrath in about a million years.  Although the Beanie Baby craze was definitely God telling us that we sucked.

So Moses goes and takes the Hebrews out of Egypt and the Bible then says that they wandered the desert for 40 years.

40 fucking years.

Wandering in a desert.

You’re telling me that not one person approached Moses after day six and wondered what the hell was going on?

Hebrew With A Nice Beard: [Slowly approaches Moses, who is standing by himself after dinner because of course no one likes him] “Hey man, uh, what’s the plan here?  I mean, I appreciate that you got me out of slavery and all that, but I’m kinda getting bored.”

Moses: [Sighing] “Look, I keep telling you guys, it’s all good!  Trust me!  God and me go way back – he’d never punk me like this.”

Hebrew With A Nice Beard: “I don’t know man, are you sure?  Cause, you know, it’s kinda hot out here.”

Moses: “I’m telling you, everything is gonna be fine.”

Hebrew With A Nice Beard: [Looking back toward Bob] “Well, I’m sorry bro, but Bob and I, we’re heading back.  He heard about a sweet buy one get one free deal on sandals at the market.  But good luck with all this – it really sounds very nice and fine.”

There is no way that Moses convinced all those people to just wander around the damn desert for 40 years.

The desert is hot and sometimes it has scorpions.  At least that’s what I hear.

And don’t even let me get started on Noah.  Two of every animal?

Yeah right!

You know Noah grabbed his dog, his cat, maybe his kids hamster because hamsters can be pretty cute and got his ass on that ark.

The Bible is nothing but a big book of funny stories.

It’s kind of like Dr. Seuss books – it has lots of rhyming, features things that don’t exist and there’s always a moral to every story.  The only difference is there’s no Grinch.

Although I guess the Grinch could be the devil, so nevermind.

The Bible is exactly like Dr. Seuss books.


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55 responses to “one hebrew two hebrew red hebrew blue hebrew

  1. notsojenny

    you’re probably going to hell for that comparison

    see you there!!

  2. oooooh… I wonder how many folks you offended with this one

    also? if I believed in god I’d say that the tsunamis, wildfires, earth quakes and hurricanes of late are quite “wrath-like”

  3. hahaha. i had an excellent conversation with the other half about the Bible…i wish i’d recorded it becasue we made a lot more sense of things than the Bible did.

  4. Holy Crap, I just laughed out loud inappropriately at work. Noah…he TOTALLY grabbed what he could and got his ass on the ark (dinghy?).

  5. Hey, it totally worked out for those hebrews in the end though. They eventually got to the promised land where they would be surrounded by enemies and have mandatory military service for all! HOORAY!

    Manna was supposed to be the shiz, though. It could turn into whatever food you wanted! I’d be all “delicious hamburger and a cold beer, please.” It would totally make that 40 years easier.

  6. When I was growing up, I had a book of Greek myths and I never understood why those crazy stories were “myths” but I was actually supposed to believe that the Bible was true.

  7. I live in the bible belt of the world and let me just tell you, People are nuts! I forgot to mention that I got yelled at by 4 extremist outside of the concert last week because we were listening to what they consider Devil music! Come on now…Kanya speaks of God in his music! Give the poor guy a break!

    I would definitely get more out of your interpretation of the bible than just reading it….or maybe I should just read Dr. Seuss.

  8. your mom is going to love this one.

  9. Marcos

    Haha Beanie Babies. I still have a box full from when I worked at the cigar store. I wish I was joking.

  10. I read the AJ Jacobs book, “The Year of Living Biblically” where he followed every rule of the bible for a year. It was pretty funny.

    I can’t believe it took me 28 years until I finally decided that I really didn’t believe a word of that book.

  11. Noah and Moses would both have to take a backseat to Abraham in my book.

    So Abe’s kickin’ it in his little crib when God comes to him and is all like, “Check this out, dog. See that little bit of skin on the end of your junk? I ain’t down with that. Ya need ta be cutting that shit off, yo. And your boy? Yeah. Him, too. In fact, all these bitches need ta lose that shit.”

    And Abraham’s fine with it. And then he supposedly goes out and takes care of the rest of the men of his house.

    See, I don’t know about you guys, but when a crazy 99 year old man comes after my junk, I say “no.” Maybe they just didn’t see that Very Special Diff’rent Strokes I saw as a kid. Still…

  12. First off, I kept laughing at Hebrew with a nice beard.

    There are many other characters in there that I hope you touch on too.

    Mary — virginity smirginity
    Joseph — best damn carpenter in Nazareth
    three wise men — come on! That’s all you bring to kid in stables!

    Offend on!

  13. Because I’m being all truthful in the comments section these days, I’ll say this: I’d totally bail on Moses or Noah or God or whatever for a two fer on sandals. It’s damn hot!

  14. You wouldn’t believe how many “Biblical Literalists” are out there, especially here in the bible belt where I am. I am pretty sure I have done the exact same rant, but it is the quickest way to get into an argument around here. You should also look at the “Creationist museum” and the “Holy Land” theme park. Real places made by these wackos that think the bible is a word for word representation. It kills me and makes me want to just go up and shake these people in hopes that they will come out of their hysterical delusion.

  15. Come on – the Bible on a Friday?!?! Everyone knows you blog about sex on Fridays, Chris.

  16. Oh My Fucking Deity!!! Dude I just started writing a rant yesterday regarding ppl taking the “good” book literally… Damn… you’re on my wavelength! But I concur with you wholeheartedly. Look out for my take on it next week!


    I love Dr Seuss books. They are indescribably awesome. The Bible, not so much.

    See? They’re different.

    *mutters to self*

  18. Oh, this post was fantastic. It’s true, though, there have to be loads of exaggerations in the Bible. What about the whole Samson and Delilah thing? He lost his strength because he lost his hair? Right. Right.

    Since Moses heard God speak, would Moses be Horton and God be a Who?

  19. It’s exactly like Dr. Suess books, except for the fact that it’s completely devoid of fun and entertainment. Plus, I don’t see much rhyme scheme in the Bible.

  20. i never thought of this that way!

    it makes perfect sense. imagine if someone based an entire religion off of Dr. Seuss books?

    oh wait…..isn’t that what Scientology uses? those people are real wack-jobs

  21. i never thought of this that way!

    it makes perfect sense. imagine if someone based an entire religion off of Dr. Seuss books?

    oh wait…..isn’t that what Scientology uses? those people are real wack-jobs

  22. An ark, an ark. We’ll build an ark! With fun filled animals, not two but four! But not the cows or they’ll shit on the floor.

  23. I’ve been running a Torah commentary blog off-and-on for a year now (currently: off), and I learned long ago that it’s not about the specifics, it’s about the general ideas … which is what happens when you’re raised by lesbian (female, clearly) rabbis, who wouldn’t exist were literal interpretations the only way to go.

  24. i totally worship jesus. Not because he is the messiah, or the son of god but he is the greatest freakin’ con man ever. He’s like the badassiest david blane ever. “hey guys- water into wine-check me out! Now wash my feet.”

  25. hahahaha. I think I was never gullible enough to take it seriously.

    Wait, so this wine and cracker is going to turn into Jesus’ FLESH AND BLOOD?

  26. Ben

    You need to read a hilarious book I have. The bible basically…but a version meant for people like you and me. I’m including it in the pay-it-forward package for your reading pleasure.

  27. nancypearlwannabe

    Don’t you think Moses would be PISSED at God after, like, a few hours in the desert? He’d be all sunburnt and parched but then he’d keep going because he knew God would owe him big time for this one.

  28. i have a friend who’s never seen the grinch cartoon. can you even believe that. she’s also never seen the goonies. it is sometimes hard to be her friend.

  29. A desert. No map. An ark. No map. Just GPS (God Provides System). Seriously, would it have killed the dudes to stop and ask for directions every now and then?

  30. I love buy one get one free sandals.

    I went to the doctor today.

    My eye is fucked up.

    Thought you should know.

  31. jenny – Yup. Please bring some sandwiches. I hear Satan makes a shitty PB&J.

    deutlich – I never actually seem to offend anyone. It really makes me mad. C’mon! I want some hate comments damnit!!

    pinkjelly – I’m sure it did.

    shelly – Hahaha – right, it definetly wasn’t even an ark.

    arielle – You seem to be thinking the right way about it that’s for sure.

    srah – Yes. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

    allie – Yeah – Jesus Walks people!

    ari – Uh, I hope so.

    marcos – Hahaha – aw dude! Let ’em go man! The dream of selling them for a huge profit is over!

    noelle – Hey, at least you realized it!

    justin – Wow – God is gangsta!

    allison – Hahaha – good point about the wise men. They don’t sound that wise to me, how about some fucking diapers dudes???

    melissa – You know a good deal when you hear one.

    dustin – Those are real places??? That is unreal.

    mindy – I know, I’m sorry. Imagine Moses during sexy time. No. Don’t.

    aaron – Great minds think alike man. I will for sure keep an eye out for that post.

    kali – Hahaha – I’m sorry to offend you.

    lauren – Thanks! Yes, I think God would be a Who.

    melissa – What about the four horsemen of the apocalypse? That was pretty funny!

    ashley – You better watch it – Tom Cruise reads my blog.

    meghan – Hahaha – yes! You are fucking awesome!

    brooklyn – Wow – yeah, I’d say that would give you a different perspective on things.

    kelly – You’re right, he was so damn slick.

    hannah – Yeah, that’s kinda gross anyway, right?

    ben – Sounds good! Presents for Chris!

    kiala – That was great, thanks for sharing. Though now I feel like I ripped them off. I’ve never seen that before though – I swear! They’re geniuses – not me!

    nancypearl – Yeah, he should have been at least.

    julie – You should un-friend her until she corrects her ways.

    dingo – Exactly.

    kristen – I’m sorry about your eye!

  32. No one, I mean NO ONE, could pass up a 2 for 1 sandal sale and Schlomo’s Sandaltorium. No one!

  33. gman2797

    there is absolutely more to learn from dr. seuss books than any part of the bible.

  34. hahaha. i don’t even know how to comment to this. i have been staring at a blank box for like 3 minutes.

    i’ll leave it at brilliant.

  35. megkathleen

    So true! I mean do people REALLY believe that there was a talking snake who convinced Eve to eat an apple? Women may be stupid, but we’re not THAT stupid.

  36. This is an awesome post. Period.

    Forty years wandering around in the desert. With no ham (or green eggs). And the whole time they had to wear hats.

  37. Did the Devil’s heart grow three sizes that day, too?!?

    Or is that in the yet-to-be-released Bible: Part III? (That’s “Jesus and the Prisoner of Azkaban,” right?) The NewER Testament– best testament yet!

  38. emmaelizabeth

    hahahaha…. first off, I went to a private school growing up and we had to study the bible for hours (or so it seemed) everyday. I would’ve loved to hear this arguement in religion class.

    second- I believe this is my first comment! So- Hiiiii!! Love your blog!

  39. That Saddity Chic

    Amen Brother lol! Since I was a child this stuff was shoved down my throat. Never made sense to me ( I was a really smart kid). I am now an atheist much to my family’s dismay but they’ll have to get over it.

  40. rs27 – Tell me about it!

    gman – Yes.

    alexa – Thanks! If you want, you can always comment that.

    megkathleen – I am not saying anything about women being stupid. That would be stupid.

    stoogepie – Thanks. Yes, I forgot about the hats!

    emma – So did I! Looks like it didn’t work out that well for me. And hello! Thanks for reading.

    saddity – Me too. They’ll get over it is the perfect way to deal with it, I agree.

  41. we should also keep in mind that Moses did doubt God before he got to the Holy Land, and God did punk him in the end because just for that one doubt, Moses dies RIGHT BEFORE everyone gets to this promised land.

    Wow, God is an asshole.

  42. Rachel

    great title…oh, and stooge, Jews don’t eat ham…maybe a nice side of gefilte–we could call it, one fish, two fish, green fish, Jew fish!

  43. Wait, you’re telling me you’re NOT Jewish? I totally had you pegged for one.

    Rachel-Some Jews eat pork products, it just depends on how kosher they live.

  44. DDG

    Thank you.
    In my hometown I am surrounded by people who actually do take the bible literally.
    Which made me think I could mock them endlessly.
    I was wrong.

    At one point scary convinced Christian people lose it, especially when holding bibles and wine goblets. Trust me.

  45. 1stop4music

    I get really scared by people who take religion so seriously. They frigging gross me out!

  46. You have to check this out. I posted it a while back, but in case you missed that:

  47. I do not green eggs and sand… for forty years.

  48. You should do an entire commentary on Revelation. For serious. Because people who believe it to be taken literally? Scare me. A whole bunch. I mean, really. . . the stuff in that book is pretty damn scary.

  49. I think whoever wrote the Bible was smoking something awesome. 40 years in the dessert? You know what George Costanza says about that, don’t you? Moses was definintely a nose-picker.

  50. tia

    hee hee. blasphemy is funny.

  51. After reading this post. I’m hooked on your blog.

    FINALLY a group of people that feel the same way I do.

  52. I’m all for blasphemy, but you’ll have to do better than this. Everyone WAS complaining in the Bible while in the desert! Haven’t you seen “The Ten Commandments?” Remember Edward G. Robinson?

  53. Al

    Uh, little known historical fact:

    The reason the Israelites spent 40 years in the desert is because the men wouldn’t ask for directions!

  54. I went to church. I spoke to the congregation, (one at a time) and I would ask: “do you really BELIEVE all this?” And everyone said “YES WE DO!” So I felt really stupid………. I would say “These are LESSONS!!” and they would say “Behead her!!”

    A century before Jesus, the Persians also had a savior who was born of a virgin, died on the cross and arose on the 3rd day. Scarey, huh.

    Jonah and the whale? A whale with no gastric juices to disolve Jonah into fish poop? And I guess Jonah had an oxygen mask?


    Taking your son up the hill to lay him on a sacrificial stone and raising your knife upward in preparation of killing him, because a kind and loving God told you to?

    THAT kid was probably working THAT crap out of his psychi for years and no psychiatrists around to help.

    Hey, I blame a LOT of things on MY parents, but at least they didn’t haul my ass up the hill and stretch me out on an altar!

    And 40 years WANDERING through the desert? Any Hebrew worth his salt would eventually WANDER into town by accident if nothing else! All of those jews could have lined up, held hands, and the last one would have BEEN in the next town!

    OK. Now I have to go and set my flying monkeys free.

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