inside voices

I try to be nice.

I know, that might seem like Crazy Drunk Talk coming from me, and maybe it is because part of me still feels hungover from last night and wants to maybe vomit on my desk, but it’s the truth.

I really do try – with the emphasis on “try.”

But what I don’t understand, and what makes me not be so nice sometimes, is when people who speak a foreign language feel that they can talk at obscenely loud levels.

Why do they think this okay???

And this is not about being tolerant of other people.

This is about me having to cover my fucking ears to keep them from bleeding when I’m standing next to an Asian couple.

This is about me wanting to strangle a group of Hispanic girls on the train because I feel like if I go to jail afterwards at least I’ll be in a quiet cell.  Well, at least until my cell mate tries to make me His Woman.

I don’t care if people are not White/American/Whatever The Fuck!  I mean, good for them, I’m a white American male, it doesn’t get any more lame and uninteresting than that.

I just want them to keep their fucking voices down!

Just because no one around understands what they’re saying doesn’t mean they can scream when they’re standing two feet away from each other.

And this goes for American high school girls too, because I have no clue what they’re saying even though they’re apparently speaking in English.  All I hear is “like” every fucking third word and it makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs.

I can’t fucking take it.

But this is why I have this blog.

So I can tell all of you about how much I hate stuff and how I try and be nice but usually end up being The Asshole Who Said The Wrong Thing.

And hopefully no one is offended by this post, but if you are and you want to talk about it, I only ask that you keep your fucking voice down because I’m right here and I really don’t care what you think anyway.


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37 responses to “inside voices

  1. so true.

    highschool kids are the worst. i cant ever tell if they are about to get into a fight or are best friends. sometimes ill dive out of the way because i think a punch is about to get thrown due to the sheer volume of whatever the hell was just said, and they give eachother a hug. not a real hug, but the kind where you violently pull the other one into your chest.

    i hate highschoolers in general.

  2. Nom

    There is a convenience store by me and the guy behind the counter always yells the price as he rings things up. I jump every time. Its like, “DAMNIT – let me buy my shitty microwave burrito in peace man.”

  3. I am sooo with you on the loud foreign talking. It’s annoying as hell. We have a heavy Hispanic population around here and people just yell and yell and yell to each other. And don’t forget the loud Latin music. They insist it be played as loud as their beat ass 1980 Toyota Corolla stereo will go.

    Why with the loud? Why?

    If this starts a war my blog and both my readers have got your back all the way my brother.

    Or should I say hermano.

  4. i was going to try and type obnoxious loud noises via onomatopoeia but then i realized that that was mean and because i like you i stopped myself.

    you’re welcome.

    maybe you should start wearing earplugs?

  5. notsojenny


    (yelling. right in front of you. get it?)

  6. mentalthreesixty

    Like! OMG! This post was, like, totally, like, offensive and whatever! Like, you’re a total A-hole and whatever! Like, I can’t believe, you’re like, soooo intolerant and whatever… ooohhh… cute shoes! Like, I’m soooo going to buy those and whatever!

  7. Damn! Mentalthreesixty totally beat me too the “like” convo!

    couldn’t agree with you more Chris…and offended people SUCK! Like, for real suck! 😉

  8. You are far more tolerant than I. I want everyone to just learn English. Maybe that’s my non-bilingual self being jealous. Whatever. I agree though about the high school girls. They need their mouths taped shut.

  9. Trust me I get what you are saying. I look at these hispanic girls and I want to tell them you are the people who are giving us a bad name. STOP IT!

    I also pray that I was not like these high school girls that I see today and that I sounded more intelligent but that is probably not the case.

  10. I feel your pain and I agree with you fully. Rest assured this happens all over the world. Teenagers are the worst offenders.

    Case in point: In Berlin 2 weeks ago, on the U-Bahn train to Potsdamer Platz. Gaggle of teenage girls gets on. Instantly it is so loud (and German, natch) that all other passengers are looking at each other sympathetically and arching their brows at the offenders. They were so seriously loud. Matthew pointed out that their group was like a little society… he noticed the Ring Leader and the Instigator. The Instigator was the loudest. instigators should have their vocal chords disabled until they’re about 29 years old.

  11. I think you only have a problem with it cause you’re white. No really! Us white folks are trained from birth to be quiet and polite and unassuming. Cause, you know, we comitted all sorts of atrocities in the past, or whatever. Well, it looks like at least the quiet part sunk in for you.. 😉

  12. Yet another reason to gather the ammo and build a compound.

    And drop bombs of foreign countries.

  13. FUCK. ON foreign countries.

    What hell, wordpress. Let me edit my shit, please.

  14. kelly – Highschoolers are very dangerous and scary creatures, you are smart to steer clear of them.

    nom – Hahaha – if he doesn’t respect bean burritos, what does he respect???

    kristen – I want a blog war sooooo badly.

    alexa – Thank you.

    jenny – You are very clever.

    mentalthree – Hahaha – well played sir, well played.

    allie – Exactly.

    arielle – Yes, the duct tape should come out as soon as they leave the school.

    lissa – I bet you were way better than them.

    melissa – Good point, the world is full of people like this.

    sassy – Maybe, but it’s just because the only time I’m loud is when I’m drunk, so unless these highschoolers and others are drunk all the time they need to shut up.

    melissa l – Make room for me.

  15. I worked in the Chinatown area for a couple of months. I’m no expert, but I think that Chinese can only be spoken at really loud levels. How else are you supposed to be heard over the din of a billion people?

  16. deutlich

    I’m laughing.

    A lot.


    Also? This makes me completely incoherent. Was going to try and come up with something witty – but i’m LAUGHING.


  17. I don’t know whose side to choose because I’m pretty sure I’m loud and obnoxious all the time in public. And it might be even worse for you because I’m speaking English so not only would you have to hear me yelling, but you’d actually know how stupid my topic of conversation is.

  18. The problem is that the loud people are going to win because well, they are LOUD.

    I call this The Democratic Party Paradox.

  19. whats worse then listening to high school girls talk? trying to read anything by them;

    just typing that lowered my IQ…

  20. i guess we couldn’t be friends because i love saying “LIKE” and screaming at people…

  21. Like I totally don’t get like why you’re being all like weird and like stuff around like me.

    SHUT UP!

    Thats the conversation I heard on the train yesterday.

    white people are boring. Thats what Snoop says.

  22. megkathleen

    Just start screaming louder than them and having a conversation with yourself. That usually shuts them up. Also, you won’t end up in jail…people will just think you’re a nutjob. Or make fun of them loudly to the people sitting next to you – that’s also good (it especially works well with teenagers).

  23. Hispanic high school girls are the worst. They’re loud, obnoxious and I can’t eavesdrop. Lame.

  24. Ben

    I watched MTV the other day including such shows as Real World: Hollywood, Parental Control, and some show about dating and lie detectors. Listening to the girls spew out some The Hills-style dialect of English made my brain curdle.

  25. Wait, does that mean that it’s OK if people talk REALLY LOUDLY right in front of you as long as it’s in ENGLISH?!? (and not highschool-girl English but, you know, AMERICAN English?)

    Maybe you just have a problem with loud people in general, and you are really an equal-opportunity hater?

    I try to see the best in people.

  26. noelle – It sounds like you are an expert, actually.

    deutlich – Thanks! That’s the best kind of comment.

    hollywood – No I think it’s fine because you’re cool and I get along with cool people.

    kiala – Hahaha – nice.

    rachel – And mine for reading it.

    julie – Noooooo!!!!!

    rs27 – Snoop’s word is bond.

    megkathleen – That sounds like some good ideas to me.

    freeandflawed – Very lame.

    ben – Yes, you must stay away from MTV if you want to have any brain left at all.

    jen – Hahaha – you know I had something about me being an equal opportunity hater when I first started writing this, so +1,201 for you for saying that in your comment.

  27. I was on a plane yesterday with 50 7th graders. Top THAT.

  28. Sweet!

    Are those like Schrute bucks? Because now I get 5 extra minutes at lunch.

  29. i definitely know what you’re talking about. granted i think i sometimes fall into the loud american girl category, i’ll try to keep it down 🙂

  30. I hear you. When I commuted to work living in Boston… the Chinese women on the 1 Bus were just… insufferable. EVERY MORNING AT 8 AM THEY WERE THERE. And they never sat together. Even if there were tons of seats open, they would sit at least two rows away from each other and they would just prattle on at obnoxious levels that I couldn’t drown out.

    I mean at least if they’re American I can understand what they’re saying and a lot of the times what they’re saying is so ridiculous it’s at least entertaining.

  31. I spent a train ride next to a high school lass that I was going to allow to sit there and be cute until she made my ears bleed and I punched her in the face.

    Haha … I didn’t, but her voice was so grating and OMGing that I actually gave it thought, which impressed me, because I am a patient man with lots of younger cousins. Oh, text messaging and the ruination of young minds.

    … I think I just aged about 40 years by typing out that comment.

  32. Asian people always talk like they’re mad at each other too even though they’re probably just saying, “What time will you be off work? Would you like to imbibe in cocktails after a long day sweetums?”

  33. No this post is fucking awesome.

  34. See, I have teenagers, so I must be proficient at teen speak. If anyone ever needs a translator, just let me know.

    Ya know? Like? Yeah……..

  35. Teenage girls still say ‘like’? I thought that hit it’s peak, like, in the late 90’s thanks to Clueless (which is a fantastic film regardless)

  36. I think it’s quite telling that not one single person here (writer or commenters) seems to have ever come across a loud black person in their lives.

    What are you afraid of?

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