heaven on earth

Eventually, when I’m forced to flee New York because I’ve become such a famous blogger that the paparazzi starts taking pictures of me in my underwear and That’s Not Acceptable, I am going to buy a house.

This house will be great and awesome and probably make my neighbors jealous, but I also realize that this house will be Ari’s Domain.

That is how life works.

She will want frilly things like nice coasters and matching towels and probably a welcome mat that has something witty written on it like “Please Wipe Paws Here.”

And that’s fine with me.

Because as I’ve already told her in many Serious Discussions – she can do whatever she wants with the entire house as long as I get the basement.

The basement will be The Man Room.

It will have Man Things in it only.

There will be a giant TV for sports and video games.

There will be art hung from the walls – like this.

Because Bo Knows Man Rooms. That doesn’t sound good, but you get the idea.

And there will be this.

Because that was the coolest part of the movie, you know, when they try and Find Themselves before going and kicking ass.

And there will definitely be this.

Because – well, Robocop is the fucking man. Or robot. Or cyborg. Whatever he wants to be – he’s the fucking man.

I imagine there where will also be this.

Because Johnny didn’t stand a fucking chance.

Aside from this wealth of Amazing Posters, my Man Room will have a Kegerator, and a pool and air hockey table.

Women will only be allowed down if they give The Secret Knock, which will never be given out to my friends girlfriends, wives and mistresses, because they can only cause Trouble.

Yes the Man Room will be a place where me and my friends can escape and talk about the Important Issues Facing Men.

Like how many beers you can drink before you pass out and why No Holds Barred never gets the kind of love it deserves.

It is going to be awesome.


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49 responses to “heaven on earth

  1. deutlich

    good to know you dream big

    wonder what Ari has to say about this, though…


  2. mentalthreesixty

    Ahhhh The Secret Knock… I know The Secret Knock. But don’t worry, I’m not going to spread the word. Viva la Man-Cave!

  3. wait. i wanna play in the man room!!!!

    it sounds right up my alley. but alas, i’m a girl. i can’t help my love for craptastic action flicks, video games and sports.

    wait, where are you going to get food? if ari isn’t allowed in the man room then you aren’t allowed to eat any of her delicious looking food!

  4. When Jesse moved in, he promptly put up a picture of Robocop on the toilet on the front of our bathroom door. It’s kind of awesome. I’ll try to remember to get a picture of it. It sounds perf for your dude ranch basement.

  5. Can I come over? Our secret man knock in college was: knock knockknockknock knock… knockkncok! We called it “Shave and haircut… turtle power!” We were pretty gay.

  6. Can the ladies come down if they are topless?

  7. My husband has what he calls “Man Town.” It contains band equipment and tools and stuff.

    And just so you know, there’s no need for a secret knock or anything like that because girls want no part in Man Town anyway.

    It smells like moldy beer cans, pot smoke and for some reason, um, sweaty balls.

    I don’t even want to know what goes on in there and neither will Ari.

  8. I think Kristen is on to something.

    Also, you think your basement is going to have a pool? That is just absurd. How big is this house going to be, anyway?

  9. notsojenny

    i have a feeling i know what undies you’re wearing in those paparazzi shots.

    and you can’t have a man room without TMNT. but what about the posters of half-naked chicks? and pacino? no man room is complete without scarface!

  10. I had to make a similar “Man Room” promise, I may have even had to put it down on paper.

  11. Or is that the secret?

  12. I assume this is also where the drafts will take place for fantasy football, baseball, basketball and the like. Just like in knocked up.

    I like to call these rooms man caves.

  13. KC

    The basement in our house is my boyfriend’s manroom. It includes: free weights and random golf clubs scattered across a stained area rug; a coffee table littered with a bunch of trash, poker chips, some pot and its associated paraphernalia; a tv; and one torn black leather armchair (circa 1972). Oh, and the bathroom hasn’t been cleaned since we moved in this past fall. He LOVES it down there.

  14. KC

    P.S. He’s 31 years old

  15. The man room sounds pretty awesome. My boyfriend’s coworker (who’s female) man-roomed out her garage. She is a diehard Boston sports fan and every inch of 3 of the walls is covered in posters and other Celtics, Pats and Red Sox paraphernalia (the Bruins don’t count, in her opinion). The 4th wall is a mural of Fenway. She has several beer fridges and hosts regular poker tournaments where she provides pizza and cigars. Except girls are allowed.

  16. deutlich – She knows about it. She is ready for it.

    mentalthree – Yes!

    alexa – We’ll order in! Pizza for breakfast!

    jessica – Hahaha – Yes! Please take a picture.

    fortknocks – You are welcome in, just bring some pretzels.

    dutchess – Ari may not like that idea.

    kristen – Well good, then we are in agreement then.

    mindy – A pool table! Not a pool. Although…

    jenny – I was gonna put naked women on here, but then I thought I shouldn’t, but yes, there will be those. And no! Not that underwear.

    each – A smart man.

    noelle – I cannot speak on this matter.

    lissa – Yes, that’s exactly right.

    KC – That sounds awesome! I am jealous. Can I come over? And I’m 29, so it’s all good.

    arielle – Hmmm… And this “friend,” is she real?

  17. I’m not a wife or a girlfriend of your friends, so I’ll be allowed. So it would be okay if I knit in there, right?

  18. Having the real Chuck Norris in the room is the only thing that could make it any cooler.

  19. It’s true, I wouldn’t mind some nice coasters. As in, ones that don’t have your “family crest” on them. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

  20. Dane and I were just having this discussion and I got so excited about having some feminine things around me someday, that I immediately went out and spent 100 dollars on bowls at Anthropologie.

    Still, I insist I get some air hockey time. Because I rule at that.

  21. Peter Weller, or Robocop, was my friends’ teacher when they studied abroad in Italy.

  22. Nom

    I’ll tell you the greatest thing I have ever done for my “Man Room” (which is my entire apartment) – two TV’s. Now I can either watch two sporting events or a play video games without missing a play on “the big game”. Girls make fun until I let them watch American Idol while still getting to watch sports.

  23. That room sounds like it will be 50 shades of awesome!

    Now I want to know the secret knock!

    I never cause Trouble. (heh.)

  24. this is actually my project for the garage before it gets way too hot.

    the centerpiece? a beer pong table.

  25. i think you should have the poster of bo jackson in half of a baseball uniform and half of a football uniform. because you know… he “knows” both.

  26. megkathleen

    My brother calls his the Man Cave. I donated a signed poster of all the Sonics Dancers so I could be allowed in to play pool. So, I guess…what I’m wondering is…can we make the same deal? Because I like playing video games. I can even get a swimsuit calendar for you and have them write on it, “Thoughts of you kept me warm in this cold water.” Then all your friends will worship you.

  27. I wish Bo Jackson was my real life friend. We could play everything because Bo knows.

    Also man room is a great idea. Probably need a Ms. Pacman in there though. Thats the only woman allowed.

  28. LOL @ Fort Knocks!

    Also, Man Room sounds awesome. If I were to, say, go on tour again, could I maybe book a show in the Man Room?

  29. melissa – Uh, yes, but only if you knit me some cool hats.

    maxie – See, I have to disagree with that. I am of the school of thought that Norris pales in comparison to Steven Seagal.

    ari – How dare you insult the Family Crest???

    kiala – Okay, you can play air hockey. That’s because I like you.

    hollywood – I think that is pretty fucking awesome.

    nom – Dude I’m coming over.

    jen – I will have to take this into consideration.

    raych – Yes!

    julie – As if my life could even be that good.

    megkathleen – Done!

    rs27 – Yes, that would be a good addition.

    nico – Absolutely!

  30. Wait, you have a family crest? For real? And your family crest is displayed on coasters, of all things? What about a shield? That’s way more manly.

  31. girlinterrupted1218

    LOL! I guess when men are boys it’s a tree house and when boys “grow up” it’s a basement.

  32. You should totally get a Fathead.

  33. aimelina

    You help me to understand my boyfriend better. Thank you! haha

  34. Hahahaa, this reminds me of the G.R.O.S.S. club from Calvin & Hobbes.

    (That would be: “Get Rid Of Slimy girlS”, of course.)

  35. my boyfriend has claimed our future garage as his place to take over, haha. granted i don’t think he has as many posters as you.

  36. One of the biggest issues facing men these days is the inability to move beyond fantasies related to one’s childhood. How would you bring up this discussion in the basement?

  37. FUN FACT!!

    ever wonder why the first Karate Kid’s theme song says “History repeats itself…”

    Its because it was orignally written for Rocky, but then some douche came up with Eye of the Tiger.

    I know useless things.

  38. Remember I totally lived in the same building as Robocop? We can kidnap him and force him to live in the Man Room dressed as Robocop to keep the womens out….or get his autograph. Whatever.

  39. arielle – Yeah, I do. And I’m sure it does have a shield somewhere, I just need to find it!

    1218 – Hahaha – yes, that sounds about right.

    nicole – Yes! You know me well.

    aimelina – You’re welcome, I am trying my best.

    bigtime – Man, I loved that comic when I was younger. I think I’ll name the Man Room that.

    katelin – Oh, but I bet he does, you just haven’t seen all of them yet.

    matt – I’d probably fit it in somewhere between the discussion of whether Knight Rider was really as dark as the plot suggested and why G.I. Joe’s were never as cool as Cobra guys.

    kelly – That is not useless! I LOVE Eye of the Tiger by the way.

    jamie – Yes that’s right! You my friend, are one brilliant woman.

  40. I own a “Please Wipe Paws Here” mat.

    Also, go youtube “sweep the leg Johnny”- you may get a kick out of that, Miagison.

  41. Change that Karate Kid poster to a Bloodsport one and you win the internet.

  42. I’ve gotta agree with some others before me (or maybe I just imagined them). . . how’s your man space going to stay clean? I know that men like to live in their own filth, but seriously? It’s gonna be rank if no one tidies up every once in a while.

    And you need a music poster of some sort. Pink Floyd’s Back Catalogue, perhaps? Maybe that’s soft-core enough.

  43. tia

    i liked donatello.

  44. brookem – Yes, I’ve seen that. I fucking love that movie.

    dan – Good idea.

    poodlegoose – Maids! In lingerie!

    tia – I inderstand your choice, but because Raf was such a hot head, he really resonated with me.

  45. You know, between mentions of your girly shampoo and tomorrow’s reference of The Hills, I wonder just what kind of man you are. Now I know: you’re awesome. I want to hang out in your basement with Bo and Daniel Larusso. And you.

  46. My missus is always buying cushions. In our last home we even had cusions for chairs that no one used.

    I think one of the times I felt most manly was after a night of clubbing and house partying, was then going on to watch Karate Kid while waiting for the pubs to open. Clubs-Partying-Karate Kid-Pub.

  47. I think who you pick as “your turtle” says a lot about you.

    Also, I’d say that “I want to crash in your man room”, but sounds dirty.

  48. Ahh sounds like an awesome room. I will have a similar room but, being female, I cannot call it the “Man” anything. My room will be filled with football stuff. And a pool table. And whatever else I can think of.

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