idle hands are the devil’s tools

Yesterday, because I am A Patriot, I celebrated Memorial Day by drinking too many beers and eating semi-edible tofu dogs.

Ari and I went to J.P.’s place in the Bronx, which is basically as far away from our apartment in Brooklyn as it gets, but I’ve known him for 16 years now and he told me he was having a BBQ and that he even mowed his lawn, so we were going.

Once we got there we lit the new grill that J.P. had bought.

Totally awesome.

We looked at this for at least fifteen minutes.

Here is Ari looking cooler than fire.

Try and look cooler than fire, I dare you.

Not many people can pull it off.

When the fire died down J.P. manned the grill because that is what Men do – they Cook Things With Fire.

Not shown is our friend Jim yelling, “My hand is on fire!” and J.P. telling him to “Bun it! You’ve got to Bun it you fool!!!”

Jim did not Bun It and he paid the price. Bronx BBQs are not for the lighthearted.

I bet you’re asking yourself, “Well where were you while all of this was happening?” If you’re not, please do so now.


I, once we got to J.P.’s, found a nice chair and proceeded to sit in it for about three hours and forty-five minutes of the four hours we were there.

I did manage to say Helpful Things like, “Dude grab me another beer!” “You should close the lid now, let the burgers cook” and “Time for another ice cream sandwich!”

I think the chair next to me was empty as a signal that maybe people weren’t too happy with me, but I’m probably reading too much into it.

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46 responses to “idle hands are the devil’s tools

  1. *Tries to look cooler then fire*

    *Fails miserably*

    *Leaves with singed hair*

  2. Matt

    I like the old school mower in the back of the first picture. Vintage.

    oh yeah, this is my new blog. Had to start over.


  3. You were “that guy” yesterday huh?! The guy that just sits there and gives orders and shouts out irrelevant suggestions when there’s a task at hand! There’s always one at every get together…

  4. You fulfilled a very important role – daytime drunk guy. Every BBQ needs one guy who is unnecessarily drunk way too early in the day. I hope that if the burgers got burnt you said something like, “I told you to flip them earlier.” Always being right is a perk of daytime drunk guy.

  5. bebecrys

    You have made me super j that I don’t get Memorial Day off. Thanks a lot!

    Glad you enjoyed yourself.

  6. Before this weekend, there was a moment when I was cooler than fire. But now I’m sunburned, so it will be at least a week before I’m cooler than anything.

  7. When you mentioned that the dude mowed his lawn, I was in all sorts of shock. People have lawns? What? And then I remembered those crazy non-Manhattan boroughs have grass, sometimes. What’s that about?

  8. I don’t do grills.

    I catch on fire a lot.


  9. I don’t think Ari is the only one who’s cooler than fire because you are soooo rockin’ that tee shirt.

  10. To be fair, i’d probably be doing the exact thing you were doing. Except demanding LOADS of ice cream sandwiches. I do love them

  11. i once caught my sleeve on fire. instead of freaking out i looked at it and said. hey- i’m on fire- i’m totally cooler than fire for sure

    i didn’t go to a BBQ this weekend and i pretty much feel like i failed at this weekend. sigh.

  12. I know you’ve written something, but I can’t focus on it, all I see is the sun. Same with Kristen’s post. Sun. Sun. Sun.

  13. i own that same grill. i like it because it’s red. beyond that, manning it and getting it all fired up (in a timely manner?) never seems to happen.

    glad you had a good time!

  14. idontliketoread

    boogie down BBQ number 1: total sucess!!! I will be having a blogger q very shortly so all these wonderful people can enjoy our drunkin disstastefull humor!!!

  15. rachel – Well, at least you tried.

    matt – I was wondering what happened to you.

    mental – Yup, that was me, sadly.

    narm – Hahaha – yes, I was Day time Drunk Guy. It was an honor.

    bebe – You didn’t have it off??? I’m sorry. That is just wrong of your job. Wrong!

    noelle – One week is not that long of a wait.

    arielle – Yeah, he lives way up in the Bronx, so it’s kinda another world there.

    kristen – No need to apologize, at least you have Ken to man the grill. And I am trying my best. I was hungover, so the t-shirt was the first thing I put on and it stayed that way.

    lauren – The ice cream sandwich’s were great. Go eat one now!

    alexa – You did not fail, because you were once on fire and that makes you cool.

    melissa – It was nice all weekend, which was pretty out of the ordinary for us lately.

    brookem – I’ll send J.P. over.

    idont – A HUGE success!

  16. You will make a very good house-husband someday. I can tell.

  17. deutlich

    is that a yuengling? if so, I may be sorely disappointed.

  18. Man, I wish my weekend was as laid back and luxuriously (if this is a word) providing as yours. I had to get all my own drinks and make my own food! So Lame!

  19. Wait a second..there’s a place in the Bronx with grass? This needs to be investigated.

  20. Was someone standing on the roof to take that picture of you? It looks like the photographer was really high up.

    I forgot to have a bbq this weekend…I’m mad at myself.

  21. Matt

    Still reading, playa!

  22. I’m with Melissa. I am having sun envy.

    I don’t think you understand that it is May 27th and it is 52 degrees outside and raining here.

    But you and Ari look awesome in those pictures.

  23. you look prepared.

    for what, im not sure.

    but prepared to do something at a moment’s notice.

  24. i did a lot sitting saturday night. but only after i spent an hour making bean bags out of socks to play the most ghetto version of corn hole ever.

  25. mindy – Yes! It is obvious isn’t it???

    deutlich – No, it’s Stella. I love Yuengling though, it’s my favorite beer!

    allie – Very lame.

    rs27 – Yeah, well he lives way up there, so there are normal houses and shit.

    hollywood – Ari took it while standing on the steps. She noted that I “looked like an old man” while taking it too.

    matt – Many thanks sir.

    kiala – I’m sorry. I will send some sun your way. I promise.

    kelly – I totally was prepared, you’re right!

    julie – I almost don’t want to know what “corn hole” is.

  26. Mmmmmmgrilling. Mmmgrilled meats.
    Also, thanks for the blog love. 🙂

  27. And by meats, I mean psuedo-meats – since they were tofu.

  28. That looks like some kickass fire. What’s your secret?

  29. totally digging the sunglasses.

  30. Ha, reminds me of the time me and my girl friends first decided that we knew how to barbeque. Needless to say, one girl’s hair almost caught fire….

  31. girlinterrupted1218

    Boy you are rockin’ that chair big time!

  32. Rachel

    maybe the title should be BBQ Tools are the Devils’ Workshop!

  33. looks like a kick ass bbq, and a fabulous way to spend the holiday.

  34. Ari is cooler than fire…

    … but you are hotter than an ice-cream sandwich! 😉

  35. big time – Nothing better than that. And no need to thank me, you’re the one who wrote it.

    jack – We used these pre-soaked charcoals that lit up like a christmas tree the second J.P. put a match on them. I wish I could light fires all the time. Does that mean something?

    kindredly – Thanks! I love them like the child I’ve never had. Really.

    angela – Now that sounds like a fun BBQ!

    1218 – You know it!

    rachel – You are smarter than me.

    katelin – It was, it really was.

    jen – Yes she is, and thanks! That is pretty hot!

  36. megkathleen

    Either people were mad at you and didn’t want to sit next to you or you smelled bad. I hope it’s ’cause they were mad at you…

  37. Holla! Me and J-Money featured on the same Playa post? I feel like a superstar! BBQs are the best. I could only hold up for 8-hours of drinking at the one I went to. I was severely disappointed in myself.

  38. There is absolutely nothing in these pictures that could date them, except maybe J.P.’s shoes. It kind of looks like pictures of my grandparents when they were younger and cooler than me.

  39. Ahhh that’s the joys of a cook out though. Not everyone is needed and you maybe just sit back and enjoy!

  40. J

    How can you eat Tofu Dogs?

    I lived in the East Village for 2.5 and tried them a few times. Each time, they were GROSS.

  41. Did you say ‘tofu’? As in you cooked tofu on the grill? On Memorial Day?!

    The terrorists have won.

  42. I was that person at a Memorial Day BBQ too. Yes, I WOULD like another mojito, thank you.
    Mine was kind of the opposite though, there were NO tofu dogs, I just ate all the potato chips.

  43. I want to be cool as fire or hot as ice.

    Dude, that’s totally a Britney Spears song.

  44. megkathleen – Me too…

    felicia – Your parents would be very disappointed in you.

    mickey – Hahaha – that’s true.

    ajemi – And enjoy I did!

    j – I’m not sure what the East Village has to do with it, but I eat these Smart Dogs that you can buy anywhere and they’re actually pretty good. Try one!

    dan – Hahaha – indeed they have my friend, indeed they have.

    megan – It sounds like we’d make a great team.

    jamie – Really? That kinda makes me like her a little bit.

  45. was that king fisher I see you drinking? yum!

  46. wow, hey, youre cute!

    fire is awesome. i want to go light some shit up just seeing the pix.

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