a happening of great concernment

People like to talk about phenomenons.

They are in awe of the Aurora Borealis, they wonder about the Bermuda Triangle and some question the existence of the Loch Ness Monster.

Though I can assure you that Nessy exists because she’s sick of being called Nessy when in fact her name is Martha.  She also knits.  But she’s terrible at it.

While I can see the draw of these unique occurrences, none of them comes close to what has happened to me today on my way to work.

I have a rock in my shoe.

Of course it’s not a big rock because it never is, is it?

It’s always a little pebble that disappears for awhile, so I think “Oh, it must’ve been nothing, I can go on with my life without this annoyance.”  But then, just when I think everything is Back To Normal, it reannounces its presence, which causes me pain and makes me think, “How the hell does this even happen???”  Sort of like when Ashton Kutcher stars in another movie.

I really don’t understand this phenomenon at all.

Last I checked, I was not rolling around in a pile of gravel, so it couldn’t have happened there.

And I keep my shoes laced tightly because one never knows when one needs to Hurry or maybe outrun a crazy person.

So I have no idea how I can get a rock in my shoe and it bothers the hell out of me.

Forget the Bermuda Triangle, we need to get to the bottom of this Unexplained Event.

Because if I get just one more rock in my shoe, I’m telling Martha to sew all of you mittens for your birthdays, and trust me, no one likes mittens that don’t fit.

No one.


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41 responses to “a happening of great concernment

  1. Matt

    Maybe there is a secret passageway for pebbles in the back of your shoe that you dont know about.

    Also, I dont understand the Kutcher thing…he is a dirty douche that should be bitch slapped.

  2. I once found a rockin’ midget in my shoe. Those bastards show up in the strangest places, too.

  3. Have you tried taking the rock out of your shoe? Before the crazy person starts chasing you, that is.

  4. I too keep my shoes laced snugly in case of an imminent need for flight. That’s why I get paranoid when I go out in sandals. When the shit hits the fan, I’m fucked in sandals.

  5. The other day I stepped in a puddle while wearing flip flops. Fabric flip flops so they take extra long to dry. And I hate having one side of my body in one condition and the other in a different one so you know what I did?

    I stepped in the puddle with the other foot so they’d both be wet and one wouldn’t feel weird anymore.

  6. What other option did I have?

  7. My last name is Nomina and I have always wanted to name my kid Phen so his name would be Phen Nomina. Lame? Yes. But secretly awesome.

  8. I would love to know how a rock always gets in my sneakers. It’s crazy–it’s ALWAYS there. Like magic.

    Maybe it’s Martha’s doing…

    (And to Narm’s comment above, please PLEASE do that.)

  9. I hate things like that. Like, people ALWAYS call and interrupt me at work when I am doing things other than work. IT NEVER FAILS.

    Actually, come to think of it, it’s probably because I rarely AM “working.” Huh.

  10. deutlich

    It’s a conspiracy.

  11. Okay, explain it to me like I’m simple, why can’t you just take off your shoe and remove the pebble? This is a New York thing, isn’t it?

    In Portland, when I have a rock in my shoe, I take it out and donate it to whatever environmental group is working that particular corner and then they attach it to their bike and return it to the dirt that it belonged to.

  12. As a parent I am always ready to take off in a mama bear sprint. I have perfected the technique of flinging off my sandals/heels/snow shoes without losing a step.

  13. What Melissa said.

    Only I hug the pebble first.

  14. matt – Twice. He should be bitch slapped twice.

    justin – Hahaha – I hope he played a nice tune at least.

    mickey – Yeah, you are asking for trouble in those man.

    kristen – Oh god – I hate wet foot! I know exactly what you mean. Though I wouldn’t have done what you did. Sorry.

    narm – Not lame at all. Positively awesome.

    lauren – Maybe, she does get moody.

    valerie – Exactly.

    deutlich – I bet Bin Laden is behind it somehow.

    melissa – Hahaha – I do take it out, but it bothers me that it happens in the first place. Portland is like another world – a world where hippies are allowed to roam the streets without persecution.

    rachel – I am impressed!

    kiala – Pebble hugger!

  15. I bet you have a hole in the bottom of your shoe. It’s really the only answer. Check.

  16. Rachel

    I love reading your comments…MelissaLion and Kiala always have great ones~
    and, more directly related to today…
    I would love to punch Ashton square in the nose.

  17. notsojenny

    jesus puts pebbels in your shoes when you’re bad

    i get them in my sandals some time… that’s super annoying because it sticks to my foot instead of just falling out back onto the earth from whence it came

  18. Oh, Rachael, thank you. We love you too, and I speak for Kiala and Chris on that. They’ve not given me their permission to speak for them, but like posting self-centered comments on their blogs, I just feel like speaking for them is my god-given right.

  19. You should try being a little girl wearing jelly shoes. That’s no picnic when it comes to rocks, let me tell you.

  20. I always expect the pebble to disintegrate into nothingness. Then I remember the laws of physics or something.

    Something like a phemonenon. that song rules.

  21. i’ve always thought the greatest phemonenon was how we all still have our eyesight after having see Britney’s va-jay-jay (more than once…)

    but the pebble in the shoe definitely comes close. fuck the bermuda triangle.

  22. uh, that was just supposed to be an end parenthesis, not a wink. christ.

  23. Do you remember that movie Phenomenon with John Travolta? Yea that movie sucked.

  24. ari – You’re smart.

    rachel – Let’s do it!

    jenny – You said “whence.”

    melissa – It is.

    mindy – And who says I haven’t tried that?

    rs27 – The LL song? Man, that shit was terrible.

    ashley – Hahaha – yes, I suppose that was bad. But I am a man, and seeing vaginas does not really bother me that much.

    julie – Yes and yes.

  25. I’m with Mindy. Pebbles in Jellies freakin’ SUCKS!

  26. have you ever had to do that “pebble in your shoe” walk? you know, the one where you curl your foot up and walk by putting pressure on your heels and toes, making a weird pebble cocoon? No? Just me? Aww maaaan.

  27. I believe Nessy to be more into macrame than knitting.

  28. When I was younger, I used to wear those jellie shoes all the time and getting rocks in them SUCKED.

    Now? I rock flip flops so much and am barefoot so much that my feet are immune to every kind of pain.

  29. i always feel bad for my tires when pebbles get stuck in their treads. i dig them out with my keys.

    yes, i do know that tires have no feeling and are in fact not alive.

  30. it’s hard to get pebbles in my shoes when i wear flip flops all the time. but sticks and other random things have poked my feet before, the price i pay for fun footwear.

  31. megkathleen

    What I’m wondering is how did you get to be on speaking terms with Nessie? Oops…I meant Martha. Don’t send me ill-fitting mittens!

  32. I think this is one of my favorite posts you’ve written.

  33. Martha’s gonna make you mittens that attach to your jacket.

  34. jen – That is why those shoes were so dumb.

    hollywood – Yes it is! You learned something today.

    jessica – Hahaha – well put.

    stealth – No, I have done that walk, but I didn’t know that’s what it was called. Now I have learned something today.

    cherry – She lies!

    nicole – It’s like your super power!

    alexa – Hahaha – that is nice of you. I bet your tires appreciate it.

    katelin – It is worth though, right?

    megkathleen – It’s too late! They’re already on their way.

    freeandflawed – Thanks! That was nice of you to say.

    meghan – Noooooooo!!!!

  35. I pictured the pebble wearing a shirt that says “Dont tread on me.”

    Im not sure why.

  36. Ben

    I have been absent from your comments for a few posts now and I am sorry. It’s just that I have been working a 9-5 gig for the past few days. Since I haven’t been laughing at your expense (I mean with you), I have been dragged down into a horrible depression. Or perhaps that’s just because I have to be awake and wearing ties by 7am.

  37. Jo

    That’s why flip flops are overrated as the best form of beach shoe. They’re not. It’s all false advertising. They’re the WORST.

  38. Are you wearing jelly shoes? They are notorious for that.

  39. I thought I was the only one who wondered how this happens. I say to my friends, “why are there pebbles in my shoes, I was not frolicking in a pile of rocks.” No one understands.

    Except you, of course.

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