mood music

It’s no secret that I’m a big old school Madonna fan.

Not the new stuff, just the stuff that was awesome and maybe makes me want to dance like a drunk kid at his senior prom when he finds out his date isn’t wearing any underwear.

Today I was listening to one of my favorites, “Open Your Heart,” when I realized something: the song is basically a stalkers anthem.

If I was a stalker, which I’m not (but please stop wearing those pants every Tuesday, I don’t like them), I would definitely listen to this song while I was lusting/considering murdering the subject of my Unacceptable Attention.

Just look at the lyrics.

I see you on the street and you walk on by
You make me wanna hang my head down and cry
If you gave me half the chance you’d see
My desire burning inside of me

If anyone ever tells you they have a “desire burning inside of them,” it is Not A Good Thing. If that problem can’t be solved with Tums and a Good Nights Rest, then it’s time to consider police protection.

I follow you around but you can’t see
You’re too wrapped up in yourself to notice
So you choose to look the other way
Well, I’ve got something to say


If someone doesn’t notice another person following them around, it’s usually because that person is hiding. And if they’re hiding that means they’re probably up to no good. Or maybe they’re ugly.

Either way it’s not someone you want anything to do with.

Don’t try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from tryin’

Now it’s on.

The person is putting it all out there. If you’re being stalked by a marathon runner, I guess you’re pretty much fucked. Pun intended.

Open your heart to me, baby
I’ll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin’
I’ll give you love if you, you turn the key

I don’t know about you, but “open your heart” sounds pretty gruesome to me.

I’m sure all the stalkers are thinking, “Look, it’s no big deal! I’m just gonna bash your skull in with this brick and then pull your heart out of your chest. Toughen up for god’s sake!”

But I’d rather keep my heart in chest.

Madonna has really blessed every stalker out there with something special to listen to.

A little song, a little dance and a lot of creepy staring.

It’s beautiful.


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46 responses to “mood music

  1. you pose very good points here with this song.

    i like la isla bonita. who cares if i cant pronounce half the lyrics. it makes you want to DANCE, yes?

  2. Old school madonna is the best. Actually the first album (yes it was actually vinyl) I ever bought was Maddonna “Like a Virgin”, along with Michael Jackson…
    oh I remember the days of fingerless lace gloves… 🙂

  3. What few people know is that Jack the Ripper actually wrote that song back in London in the late 19th Century, and we all know how Madonna loves the Brits so yeah, that’s why she did a cover.

  4. So many great songs are anthems of creepiness. Madonna is a major creep-promoter, but there are others.

    Take REO Speedwagon, for example. Keep On Lovon’ You is downright disturbing:
    “You should’ve known by the tone of my voice, maybe
    But you didn’t listen
    You played dead, but you never bled,
    Instead you lay still in the grass, all coiled up and hissing”

  5. deutlich

    Like A Prayer was my JAM.

  6. I love Madonna and sing a along to her songs all the time. Old school Madonna that is, her new stuff is ehh. I don’t know how many more times she can reinvent herself before she actually changes ethnicities

  7. She was just singing about the same things everyone else was. I mean, in addition to Madonna’s turn in Stalker Pop, you’ve got The Police (“Every Breath You Talk”), Rockwell/MJ (“Somebody’s Watching Me”), and the lesser known “I’m Going to Sneak into Your Room While You Sleep and Skull-Fuck You.” Pretty sure that was the B-side to “We Are the World.”

  8. Everyone should have a song to do their evil deed to, ex. affairs- Secret Lovers by Atlantic Starr, murder- Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash, even pedophilia- anything by Michael Jackson??….no that’s too easy

  9. by the way if my husband checks out my search engine today he is going to be very disturbed.

    “Honey? Why were you searching for music for affairs, murder and pedophilia?”
    “Well, my birthday is coming up….”

  10. nancypearlwannabe

    I always thought the Police song “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” was really creepy. But then, I think it was supposed to be.

    Or maybe it’s satire, like Lolita? Anyway: young schoolgirl fantasies are probably a no-no.

  11. notsojenny

    madonna AND sting… every step you take? total stalker anthem

  12. girlinterrupted1218

    Oh the things great epics are made of. Murder,mayhem, and a little stalking. Madonna was way ahead of her time!

  13. Tell me you AT LEAST like the new Madonna/JT song. That song makes me feel like choreographing another dance…

  14. We can be friends again. I knew you were a closet Madonna fan.

    Who doesn’t love a girl in a cone bra dancing around in stripper outfits with a young boy in the peep show?

  15. I’m pretty sure that “Every Breath You Take” by the Police had got to be the offical stalker’s anthem.

    Every breath you take
    Every move you make
    Every bond you break
    Every step you take
    Ill be watching you


  16. This post had me crackin up! Love your breakdown!

    Those poor stalkers are so misunderstood. Thanks to Madonna the world now knows what goes through their head.

  17. Madonna always has hidden themes. What about Express Yourself? I don’t mind nudity but lets not tell everyone to take off their clothes. Lets have some respect.

  18. Matt

    I used to think Madonna was hot- especially in that movie Whos That Girl.

    Or maybe it was the boobie tassels that did it? I’m not sure…either way, she used to look good. When. She. Was. Young.

  19. How about Human League’s (I think) “Don’t you want me?” That’s a total freak fest.

  20. brookem – You and my friend J.P. are the only people I know who like that song. You should hang out with him.

    sassy – Now that is a great double purchase! My first album that I bought was Guns n Roses, it was on tape. I think. You know now I can’t remember if that was the first.

    kristen – Dropping knowledge!

    melissa – Damn that is fucking creepy.

    deutlich – Ari loves that song too!

    lissa – Hahaha – she’s saving that for her next album.

    justin – I love B-sides.

    rachel – Hahaha – and if he’s nice he’ll figure out what to get you.

    nancy – Yeah, I think you’re right about that.

    jenny – Good one.

    1218 – A true visionary!

    mindy – Eh, it’s okay… But I fully encourage a dance routine. Please post it on your blog.

    allison – No one I’d want to know that’s for sure.

    hannah – Yes, that’s a good one.

    allie – Thanks! Yes, they just need a little love and some good dance beats.

    rs – Yeah, especially considering all the ugly people there are.

    matt – I completely agree.

    jason – Aw man I love that song! Good choice.

  21. Rachel

    don’t you remember the peep show video that accompanied the song?

    and then Madonna skipping down the road with a pre-pubescent boy at the end?


  22. Was the video creepy?

    Or was it AWESOME?

    Now I’m creepy.

  23. Most love songs double as stalker songs. That doesn’t make it right, people!

  24. geeze, jp and i seem to have a lot in common. first it was the (red) grill, now the random madonna song. is he single and ready to mingle?

  25. Matt

    You agree with the tassels or that she’s getting too old?

  26. i’m all about “borderline”. ohhh madge. i had a bit of a girl crush on her back in the day, until i realized that her “beauty mark” was a smudge of eyeliner. my claim to fame was that i had a real “beauty mark” just like madonnas. bitch.

  27. Matt

    and whatever happened to JP’s blog? He must really not like to read…

  28. I was going to comment about “Every Breath You Take” being the Stalker Anthem, but I see that’s been done. So I won’t. Except I just did.

    I WILL say that my old roommates used to get it on in their bedroom that shared a wall with my bedroom and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME, they blasted “Erotic”… completely ruined that song for me. They got it on A LOT.

  29. Brilliant analysis of the song!

    I don’t think I can listen to it without picturing someone getting their head bashed in with a brick.

  30. rachel – Yes, nice and creepy.

    kiala – If you’re creepy then I’m disgusting so I think it’s all good.

    noelle – It doesn’t?

    brookem – He is single and the coolest person on the planet aside from me, Ari and Robocop.

    matt – Too old, way too old. I wrote about it once – search for madonna and it’ll come up. And yeah, J.P. sucks.

    jen – Hooray for getting it on a lot! Right?

    twink – Thanks, but sorry for putting that image in your head.

  31. Oh this song is rather stalkerish. But I think Clay Aiken’s “Invisible” could go down as creepiest stalker song around. “I want to be a fly on your wall” just sounds wrong to me, especially since it’s Clay.

  32. I can’t decide if posting ME dancing on my blog would result in more readers or a complete shut down of the blog…

  33. Old school Madonna is the best. ESPECIALLY if she was old-schooling all over “A League Of Their Own.”

    Also, if that’s a stalker song, then “Sleepless In Seattle” is a creepy stalker movie. Think about that one for a minute and then realize how effing creepy it is.

  34. megkathleen

    Ha! I knew you weren’t stalking me – I wasn’t wearing pants on Tuesday.

  35. Like “Every Breath You Take” by the Police. SO romantic, haha.

  36. firstly, you are an amazing writer. If I had a bag of kudos, I’d give you some of mine to share. :]

    secondly, I love madonna’s older stuff as well, but I’ve always kind of felt she is an undercover haggardly old lady. I would love to see her without goo-gobs of makeup on to prove this point.

    & lastly, I’ve added you to my sporadic blogroll. :] Cheers.

  37. B2G

    I love that first tag.

    Also, Madonna is a creeper. Haven’t we always known?

  38. katelin – Nothing involving Clay is good. Just ask rs27.

    mindy – It’s a tough call, but if the blog goes down because of it you can guest post on here anytime.

    big time – Yes, that’s a good point.

    megkathleen – Not yet…

    liz – Exactly!

    apricot – Thanks! And yeah, she’s an old hag for sure.

    b2g – Yes, I suppose we have.

  39. Old school Madonna. I knew I liked you for a reason. Voted for you on Blogger’s Choice.

  40. Ben

    Yeah…you really can’t in all serious post that you love new Madonna unless you’re a very dedicated drag queen and even those have moved on. How did she come so far only to make a steaming pile of monkey turd, slap Justin and Timba on it and pretend it’s an album?

  41. A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down my pants.

    Now you’ve given me a quest. I must start categorizing songs according to their degrees of threatening lyrics.

    Mic Jagger singin in YOU DON’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT: “and in her glass was a bleeding hand”. My guess is she caught him jerking off … one.last.time.

  42. It don’t know what I was going to say. That last comment from dana wyzard is going to give me nightmares. And I will never listen to the Rolling Stones again.

  43. Madonna rapping is even ten times creepier.

  44. Hahaha!! I just stumbled across your blog but how funny. Love it.

  45. Hmm oddly my profile seems to be going to the wrong blog.

  46. hahaha i was listening to this song today as well, me also being a old school harcore madonna fan. Must say you brought new dimensions to this song that I never thought about.

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