It’s no secret that I’m a big old school Madonna fan.
Not the new stuff, just the stuff that was awesome and maybe makes me want to dance like a drunk kid at his senior prom when he finds out his date isn’t wearing any underwear.
Today I was listening to one of my favorites, “Open Your Heart,” when I realized something: the song is basically a stalkers anthem.
If I was a stalker, which I’m not (but please stop wearing those pants every Tuesday, I don’t like them), I would definitely listen to this song while I was lusting/considering murdering the subject of my Unacceptable Attention.
Just look at the lyrics.
I see you on the street and you walk on by
You make me wanna hang my head down and cry
If you gave me half the chance you’d see
My desire burning inside of me
If anyone ever tells you they have a “desire burning inside of them,” it is Not A Good Thing. If that problem can’t be solved with Tums and a Good Nights Rest, then it’s time to consider police protection.
I follow you around but you can’t see
You’re too wrapped up in yourself to notice
So you choose to look the other way
Well, I’ve got something to say
If someone doesn’t notice another person following them around, it’s usually because that person is hiding. And if they’re hiding that means they’re probably up to no good. Or maybe they’re ugly.
Either way it’s not someone you want anything to do with.
Don’t try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from tryin’
Now it’s on.
The person is putting it all out there. If you’re being stalked by a marathon runner, I guess you’re pretty much fucked. Pun intended.
Open your heart to me, baby
I’ll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin’
I’ll give you love if you, you turn the key
I don’t know about you, but “open your heart” sounds pretty gruesome to me.
I’m sure all the stalkers are thinking, “Look, it’s no big deal! I’m just gonna bash your skull in with this brick and then pull your heart out of your chest. Toughen up for god’s sake!”
But I’d rather keep my heart in chest.
Madonna has really blessed every stalker out there with something special to listen to.
A little song, a little dance and a lot of creepy staring.