grooming without a conscience

Before I joined the gym I go to now, I had absolutely underestimated the number of men who blow dry their hair.

It’s like I was living in a dream world before, where men would be men and simply use a towel to dry their heads and maybe after that not shave their foreheads while naked.

I’m just going to go ahead and take a guess, but I’d say about one out of every four guys that goes to my gym uses the blow drier.

And if there’s that many just at my gym, that means someone you know, someone that you care about, is blow drying his hair.

Look around you right now.

See that guy next to you? The one who you thought was an Okay Guy? Well he’s not, because I bet he blow dries his hair.

Ask him. If he wants to know why, just tell him to read my blog and that I said “Stop being so goddamn fucking weird.” Unless you think he can beat me up. Then don’t mention me. Please.

I don’t get this behavior of using a blow drier.

I really had no idea how many men wanted to somehow – by poofing their hair to the maximum level – become David Hasselhoff.

Don’t get me wrong – The Hoff was great back in the day when he was riding around in Knight Industries Two Thousand (KITT for those losers who didn’t know what it stood for) and kicking bad dude ass, but now he’s just kind of lame.

There are a lot of these dudes in my gym and it makes me uncomfortable.

They turn on the hair drier, pull out their brush, and poof away!

I don’t understand it.

I want to run up to them, knock their brushes to the ground, grab them by the shoulders and scream, “Look at yourself damnit! You’re not a man! What are you doing with your life??? Now you listen to me, you put that hair drier down and you put it down forever – because what you’re doing to yourself is not okay! Use a towel man! Use a fucking towel before I lose all faith in mankind!!!”

But I don’t do that, because I’m just one man fighting a losing battle, a battle that will continue far beyond when I leave this earth.

There will always be men blow drying their hair and it will always be wrong.

No matter what I do, I will not change their minds, because how can you fight a force as strong as The Hoff?

You can’t my friends.

You can’t.

(I also have a guest post up over at Crissy’s Page, so if you really do love me, you’ll go there and read that post too. And if you haven’t already been reading Crissy’s Page, you need to start, because she’s awesome.)

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51 Comments

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51 responses to “grooming without a conscience

  1. I don’t have enough hair on my head to warrant blow-drying, but on my ass? That’s a different story. I’m not down with swamp-ass.

  2. What do these men do after blow drying their hair? Please tell me they put mousse in it and then splash on some Old Spice. Please tell me they say something positive like “You da man” into the mirror. Please tell me they wink at themselves.

  3. Rachel

    The Hoff should be every man’s hero…especially rocking a speedo.

    but is it really the Loser that doesn’t know what KITT stands for?

  4. i had no idea that the numbers were that high. this is a disturbing statistic…

  5. notsojenny

    M may wear tw’s but he definitely does not blow dry his hair. he uses alot of gel, but he is still a man after all… well except for that time he bought pommade

  6. deutlich

    Hey. David Hasselhoff is where it’s AT! Didn’tcha know?

  7. nancypearlwannabe

    But what about if a dude’s hair gets frizzy in the humidity? Don’t deny them smooth, sleek locks.

  8. I’m so manly I don’t even know what a blow drier is!

  9. Yes. Can you also address the Gel Issue please?

    Because Dane will start out looking just fine until he whips out the gel and makes his hair all sticky uppy and it looks retarded.

    I’ve learned to ignore it until I can distract him enough to let me fix it with my hands.

  10. you know, as much as i did a good head of hair, a blow out on a dude is just not right.

    ever.

    neither is too much product.

  11. When I first started dating my ex, I came over to his house and he was in the bathroom BLOW DRYING HIS HAIR! I was horrified!

    I should have taken that as a sign!

  12. How about the guy that doesn’t use a hair dryer but actually puts his head under the hand dryer.

    Yes, this happens. Alot.

    You are fighting for a good cause.

  13. Have you ever considered being a life coach? You should.

  14. you went for a low blow with the hoff because i too like to lay on my floor drunk, topless and eating cheeseburgers.

  15. I don’t care what feminine products my gf leaves in the bathroom but I always unplug the hairdryer and hide it. I don’t need people to start thinking things.

  16. The thing with The Hoff is that I bet he also blow dries his chest hair. How many people at your gym do that, huh? No one! Because they are not The Hoff. Don’t hassle The Hoff.

  17. justin – I hope you aren’t.

    arjewtino – I wish they did, but sadly, they don’t. Maybe I should suggest it?

    rachel – Yes, yes it is!

    ashley – We are all in grave danger.

    jenny – Pommade??? Oh no, that is not a good sign.

    deutlich – I suppose I didn’t.

    nancypearl – I have to! It wouldn’t be right of me not to.

    mental – Damn right.

    kiala – Yeah, gel is not good for anybody either. I hope Dane uses Dep. Do they still make Dep?

    brookem – Amen sister!

    valerie – Yes, you definetly should have.

    rs27 – Yes, this is actually more prevalent than the blow drier! Terrible.

    meghan – Hmmm… Perhaps you are right.

    julie – Reason #4,874 why I think you’re awesome.

    narm – Good idea man.

    dingo – That’s a good point. I should leave his Hoffness alone.

  18. I think that blow drying is only a nasty habit of city men. I spend a lot of time in the men’s locker room in Poughkeepsie, and there’s no blow drying to be had.

  19. Too coincidental. Mine broke this morning. I think the BF did it. He hates blow dryers.

  20. We had “no blow drying” in our marriage vows. He doesn’t blow dry and I bake him cookies once in a while, then everything is right in the world.

  21. What about guys that straighten their hair? With a straightening iron?

    Painful death?

  22. I also don’t understand men that wear scented lotions. A man should not smell fruitier/flowery than me!

  23. I don’t get it. I don’t get it at all.

    I’m going back to my naive world where guys don’t blow dry their hair. It’s just so…girly. I mean, I don’t even blow dry my hair!

    Also, the Hoff was equally as good in his “Hooked on a Feeling” music video.

  24. I don’t get it and would have had no idea that guys actually blow dry their hair. Maybe it is just your gym? I have never known guys that blow dry their hair. You have to ask yourself though, are these guys that are going to the gym for their health or because they are just plain vain (and that would explain the blow drying).

  25. I don’t own a blow dryer. Or a brush. Does that make me a man?

    Or maybe I’m just a girl with curly hair.

  26. WOW! That statistic is disturbing. This bothers me just as much as men who wax and wear more jewelry than I do. Or how about men who wear their shirts unbuttoned, showing cleavage. Wasn’t this always a female thing as well? Where did all the real men go?

    What happened to locker rooms being the ultimate time for “manly” behavior? grunting and farting and such?

  27. noelle – Damn us city folk!

    allison – Hahaha – without a doubt he broke it.

    rachel – A marriage that will last, how unique! I’m bitter.

    rachel – Oh yes, and I’m open for suggestions.

    twink – I agree completely.

    lauren – I’m sorry, just close your eyes and forget about this cold, cold world!!!

    dustin – Yeah, it may be my gym, but it’s pretty low key for a gym in the city. I think I am doomed.

    melissa – I’m going to go with “girl with curly hair” and hope that that is right and you haven’t been lying to me all this time.

    grace – I agree, guys that wear jewelry (I always spell this wrong) have something wrong with them.

  28. There used to be no one cooler then the off, now he is about as cool as all those “dudes” blow drying their hair

  29. ok I can let the blow dryer slide but what I HATE….boys using a Chi (hair straightener)! What tha??? I’m sorry but there has to be a better way to style your hair without using a Chi. That just FREAKS ME THE F OUT!

    and since my hair is short now it should not…let me repeat…SHOULD NOT take you long to get ready than ME!!!

  30. Really? Thank goodness I haven’t seen that yet or I’d be PISSED. I like men to be men. This includes: no blow drying, no waxing. no “manscaping”, no earrings, no skirts, no pink shirts, no so-tight-I-can’t-even-sit pants, no manicures/pedicures. I think that’s all.

  31. normally I think you’re ridiculous on your manstandards (mandards?) but I totally agree with you on this one.

    and yes… I just commented b/c I wanted to use “mandards”

  32. They turn on the hair drier, pull out their brush, and poof away!

    The first time I read that I thought you wrote BUSH instead of BRUSH. Yep, I thought men at your gym were blowdrying their pubes. Imagine my horror! Horror and delight, to be honest. It made me laugh A LOT.

  33. i hate the women’s locker room, because the women that shouldnt be naked are, and are for a very long time, but i just realized it must be so much worse in the men’s. Its like a whole ‘nother world that im not too stoked about discovering. ill just let it go unexplored, actually.

  34. megkathleen

    You’re just jealous. My man blow dries his hair and it’s HOTT. In fact, he looks just like Owen Wilson. In fact, that’s who I date. Owen Wilson.

  35. i don’t think i know a single guy that blow dries his hair. and that’s a good thing.

  36. They don’t know how lucky they are, the people who don’t have to use the hairdryer. I didn’t use mine the other day, and a girl who likes me OK I think, told me. Your hair? I love…the color. How much of it is yours?

  37. Do you and the other non hairdryers look at each other with knowing eyes? As if you are making a plan of attack? Just in case.

  38. its the blow dryer and the brush flip COMBO that is just out of control. i can’t even do that shit and i’m a girl!

  39. What kind of gym do you go to where the men blow dry their hair? Tell me, do they have “fun time” in the showers too?

  40. And yet I bet you looooooooove the same behavior in a girl… or, at least, you enjoy the results!

    You would so still TOTALLY need this blog, even if you had KITT.

  41. Also? Mindy’s comment just made me crack up so hard I am crying. Crying! Real tears! Nobody makes me cry my own tears!

    Except Mindy.

    And you.

    Well done.

  42. Nick

    My roommate uses a blow dryer. And normally I’d be just like you and say “nay.” But his hair is thinning, so I think he deserves a pass. He’s not Gotti, and quite honestly if he ever tried I’d probably move out. But otherwise, they are about the only ones that are allowed in my book.

  43. Where are all the manly men?

    Had to add you to my blogroll.. Enjoying your work far too much 🙂

  44. tia

    if you can believe it, i’m actually not a fan of men blowdrying their hair.

    seriously.

  45. Men blowdrying and straightening their hair is just gay.

    That’s all.

    Oh, and Mindy had me crying from laughing so hard too.

  46. Pingback: A lot has changed since I last went to the gym | Arjewtino

  47. I wouldn’t be caught dead with a blow dryer. Then again, I wouldn’t mind having the Hoff’s beautiful head of thick, luxurious Knight-era hair.

  48. verb – Agreed.

    allie – A Chi? Hahaha what the hell??? I’ve never heard anyone say that before!

    douchegirl – But what if the skirt is pretty???

    maxie – Hahaha – mandards is very good. Well done.

    mindy – Hahaha – that would have been better for the blog but worse for me.

    kelly – That’s a good idea.

    megkathleen – Tell Owen I said to try to make a movie that doesn’t suck. Zing!!!

    katelin – How can you be sure though?

    megan – Oh damn. I hope you bitch slapped her. In your mind at least.

    lissa – I have a rough plan of attack, yes.

    alexa – It is unreal.

    dan – I’m starting to question this myself…

    jen – Yes, I do love women who do that. That’s because I enjoy sex with women, not men. And I might need the blog, but I doubt it. Mindy is better than me, just say it! I know you’re thinking it!!!

    nick – Okay, he can have a pass. And Gotti.

    miss em – I’m right here! Sort of. And thanks!

    tia – Wow – I thought maybe you would get on me about this.

    lboogie – Yes, Mindy is pretty awesome. Read her blog!

    mickey – Me and you both man.

  49. I think it’s great when your comments section is about me. Does it make you sad? It shouldn’t – I am pretty cool, after all.

  50. I’m officially terrified – that means AT LEAST ONE MY EXES blow-dried his hair . . . the only one it can’t be is the bald one!

  51. this blows my mind
    men blow dry their hair?
    so, so wrong

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