perspective

I like writing a lot.

I really do. I have stacks of notebooks that have poems and shit in them from when I was about nine years old. The first entry being a sweeping epic about how my brother Mike was a “pig-headed geek.” Sorry Mike.

But then I see art and I think to myself, “I could be an artist because it’s really not that fucking hard.”

Yesterday I was out at happy hour and I saw some art hanging in the bathroom.

Now before you get all crazy on me, yes, stuff hanging in bar bathrooms does qualify as art to me, especially if it involves naked women.

This is the drawing that was hanging in the bathroom.

If you can’t read it, the woman is asking, “Is this the rhombus for the bathroom?”

It’s supposed to be funny, but it’s not.

It’s fucking stupid.

This is the idea the artist came up with??? I can see him sitting at his desk, beret on and everything (all artists wear berets in case you didn’t know), saying, “I know, because people say ‘line’ I’ll just replace it with another geometric term! I’m brilliant!”

Whoever the artist is who made this, I’d like to meet him and punch him in the neck.

Then after I punched him in the neck I’d go visit the people who actually thought this artist was good enough to pay him for this garbage and spit on their shoes, because I wouldn’t want to waste my fist on them.

Not only is the joke fucking lame, check this out.

What the hell is wrong with this woman’s ass? If you ask me, she doesn’t need to wait on line for the bathroom because it is obvious she already took care of business in her pants.

If you’re going to draw a picture of women, why not try and keep them all looking like they didn’t just do Something Wrong?

Now have a look at this.

The woman is looking at a text that simply says, “No.”

It doesn’t surprise me, I mean, she just shit her pants in public, so I’m willing to bet whichever friend she was talking to knows about her Unfortunate Problem and knows better than to have anything to do with Ms. Shitty McPants.

The way I see it, if you’re an artist trying to make it big, having a terrible joke and a woman with shit on her butt in your picture is a sure fire way not to get that piece sold.

But no!

Art is easy!

Just put anything on a piece of paper and someone will think it’s art and buy it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to draw a picture of a hill with a smiley sun above it.

I figure I can get at least three grand for it.

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45 Comments

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45 responses to “perspective

  1. Ben

    Can your smiley sun have just pooped its pants having just been rejected by the moon? Then I’ll consider it art.

  2. All great works of art are done with crayon… everything else is just pretentious

  3. The art I hate is the giant pieces they put in parks that look like someone welded together a few pieces of steel and yelled “Art!” Thats not art, thats a shape, there is a difference.

  4. That phone also seems to be from 1997, making her ability to receive such a virulent text message all the more impressive.

  5. Rhombusssess are stupid. Geometry is stupid.

    Also, I think that woman might have The Cellulite, not The ShittyPants. Maybe.

  6. notsojenny

    i’m still in awe that you took pictures of the crappy (pun intended) art hanging in the bathroom
    who’s the one who should be punched in the neck now?

  7. Clearly the woman needs a thong. It’s just a horrible panty line.
    PS- I also wear a beret at my bench.

  8. I thought it said, “Is this the right bus for the bathroom?” and that made so much sense to me because the line for the ladies room really is always that long.

  9. Some asshole stole my beret. It was you, wasn’t it.

  10. Your tags on this are fantastic.

    Looks to me like she’s sporting some Depends.

  11. I almost started crying at my desk from trying not to laugh out loud at “Ms. Shitty McPants”

  12. Maybe it says, “no” because she’s a big slumpy bag of a woman. I’ll bet those other two women’s texts would say, “YES” because they’re cool and non-baglike.

  13. I’ve been doing Jackson Pollock’s since nursery school. I am really good.

  14. I feel like this is perfect for the bathroom. Poop in the pants.

    I’m glad i don’t have that lady’s text screen. It can only fit one word.

  15. Rachel

    I think that blondie might be holding herself…or at least doin’ a little pee-pee dance.

    and based upon yesterday’s post–where was this “art” that you actually were able to take care of business and whip out a camera without public disgrace?

  16. Jo

    Everytime I hear about a new exhibition with a dead cow and they call it art, I think it’s easy.

    But being funny with art isn’t easy. It’s usually just reallllly unfunny.

  17. I would love to have a Surviving Myself portrait. Do I get a blog friend discount?

  18. I have to give credit to the “artist.” I am loving the fact that her screen says “NO.”

  19. Too bad you have the shy bladder… could have shown that piece the proper appreciation.

  20. I bet it’s actually really clever and we’re just too dumb to get it.

  21. I hate about 99% of work in “Modern Galleries.” The worst offenders are ones who paint the whole canvas one colour then stick a blue or green thick line going across it.

    “Yeah thats real deep.”

  22. I went to a museum not long ago and saw a canvas that was simply covered in off white paint.

    That’s it.

    Just an off white canvas.

    THAT WAS HANGING UP.

    I obviously chose the wrong career. Art here I come.

  23. ben – Done and done.

    mental – That should be a bumper sticker or a t-shirt.

    narm – Yes. Stop it with the big globs of nothing.

    arjewtino – Good point. Zach Morris would be jealous.

    mindy – Either way – both signs to stay away from her.

    jenny – When I first was writing this post I wrote something about crappy pictures and pun intended, so bravo for reading my mind. And yes, maybe you could just punch me once. Not hard!

    laurel – I knew it! Hi! First comment from you!

    kiala – Which is why I’m glad I’m a man.

    melissa – Yes. I’m sorry. I just want to be you!

    rachel – Thanks! And gross, depends just make me sad inside.

    lacey – Thanks, I mean, not for making you cry but for the laughing part.

    poodlegoose – Hahaha – “non-baglike” – awesome.

    rebecca – I know, I’ve seen them!

    rs – It would be hard, but it would make things much simpler don’t you think?

    rachel – Yes, I was in there by myself. Thank you for asking.

    jo – Dead cows? Hmmm… that’s not bad!

    jamie – Yes of course. Just let me finish the first 1,000 prints, because they are gonna move like hot cakes!

    valerie – Yeah, that made me like the artist a little too, I have to admit.

    justin – I knew I should’ve done something.

    fort – You’re probably right.

    robbie – Yes! Fucking terrible.

    lauren – Damn, that is bad. You and me both! Can we be a team?

  24. idontliketoread

    actually that text was outgoing, ive been tryin to holler at shit stain for some time, but she will not give me a date! I am such a ladies man its not even funny!

  25. I don’t know why this post made me think of it, but I just saw a Slate article that says the way to win the New Yorker caption contest is to not be funny.

    http://www.slate.com/id/2192564/

    We’re surrounded by the unfunny.

  26. I try to keep my artist output to stick figures, to avoid the shit/diaper/panty-line mix-up. And in the interest of (semi) full disclosure, I almost shit my own pants at idontliketoread’s attempts to get with Ms. Shitty McPants. Maybe if she had a bigger screen she could elaborate.

  27. I totally drew that picture. I’m quite offended now.

  28. That phone is so 1998.

  29. Your critique of this artwork is impressive! I wouldn’t have noticed any of that stuff. perhaps you should seek a career as an art curator?

  30. Oh man. Someone drew a picture of me that one time I crapped my pants. This sucks.

    You shit yourself one time –ONE TIME–in public and this happens…

  31. ok yeah i would NOT have gotten that piece of “art”.

    me no good at math termz

  32. idont – I told you man she doesn’t want to kick it with you!

    noelle – Thanks for that link. It’s true, this is another reason I don’t read the New Yorker.

    sarah – I’m glad you were able to keep it in.

    maxie – I’m sorry! I’ll buy your next piece.

    cherry – Yup. Eventually it’s going to be back in style.

    twink – Yes! I knew I was missing my true calling.

    alexa – It’s okay – that’s why my blog is here! To teach the masses!

  33. deutlich

    Art. Schmart.
    …or Fart

    That rhymes too.

  34. As an “artist” I can tell you that I hate most artists. I once had to listen to some jerkoff talk about how he painted a cemetery, but had the gravestones be cell phones. Because you know, society is killing us.

    They still haven’t found his body

  35. The woman in the pic has bad hair too. Face it, she really doesn’t have much going for her, no wonder she did something dodgy in her pants…

  36. it occured to me that if you had time to not only notice the contours of one of the women’s ass, but also that contents of her text message it must have been a massive dump.

  37. yeah this picture is not really good at all. the girl talking has ridiculous feet? maybe i’m just reading into that too much though, haha.

  38. megkathleen

    Thank God – you thought that was stupid. At first I thought you were going to say it was funny. Then we wouldn’t have been bloggy friends anymore. So, once again, thank you jesus. Rhombus. HA! NOT funny.

  39. My favorite part of this art is the reflection of you taking the photo on your phone.

    And if I had just crapped my pants the last place I’d be is standing in line…

  40. Forget being an artist … your gift lies in being a critic.

  41. maybe that rhombus bitch was just really coked up. coked up bitches are always thinking they’re clever. perhaps the advertising wizard behind that was just more in touch with the young people than we think. i wouldn’t know because i haven’t been in a rhombus since 2003.

  42. tia

    haha i love that we can see you in the reflection taking the picture, and that makes me wonder if it was a multiple-stall bathroom and if the other dudes were going “wtf stop trying to take pictures of my wang!”

    cuz that would be funny.

  43. Dude, I am TOTALLY with Tia on this one!!! I saw your reflection and was like, “Does he have pants on???”

    I can’t tell.

  44. deutlich – You’re brilliant!

    rachel – I’m glad you took care of that.

    paula – That’s a good point.

    kelly – It was a really long piss. I was drinking, what do you expect?

    katelin – No, you’re right, her feet are really fucked up.

    megkathleen – No, our blog friendship is secure!

    felicia – That’s true, you’d probably (hopefully) be going home.

    essentially – It’s the truth!

    gina – coked up bitches are always thinking they’re clever Hahahaha – awesome.

    tia – I thought about that too. It was a one stall bathroom, so I had the door locked. No wang photos, sorry.

    jen – I did have my pants on, sorry to disappoint!

  45. m.b.

    i’d take crappy/questionable art over life-sized cut outs of NASCAR drivers in the ladies room.

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